Engaged Ex in Contact

LegacyUser

Hi all,

to cut a long story short I was seeing a guy who turned out to be cheating on his fiancée (I was the other woman). I told her what was going on when I found out that he was cheating on her and they postponed the wedding.

I have blocked him and changed my number but some how he got hold of my new number and has been in touch a few times the last few weeks. I don't know if this is something his partner (they stayed together... I know...) needs to know about? I blocked him again and such but the situation has rattled me.

If I was in her shoes I would want to know that he has been in touch. She has clearly been won over but that's not the attitude of a committed person. His texts were innocent (e.g. I am sorry for everything, I want to make sure you're OK etc.) but I still think that he should be backing off and reparing his relationship. I have since moved on and have a new partner but this is still upsetting for me.

Thanks everyone
R

SarahMollie

I'd probably let her know. I'm sure he's sworn on his life that he won't do it again, but obviously that didnt last long.

I wouldnt be inclined to believe his motives are innocent - as you've asked to be left alone. Sounds like he's trying to worm his way back into your life.

What she choses to do with the information is her business, but just let her know and walk away.

CaraMay

I would definitely let her know. The texts are innocent for now. She needs to know what he's still like.

IvoryTower

Just ignore the messages and get on with it

Ursus Horribilis

I'd tell her too. He went to the trouble of finding your number which is a bit much. She needs to know what's she's prepared to marry. If I was her I'd want to know too.

PirateShampoo

Are you replying to his messages?


If you are, do you think there may be a part of you enjoying the attention and the drama that's coming with it?

dee_mc

I would tell her.
In fact, I'd make copies of the messages and hand them to her, just so she knows it's not you trying to 'come between them' or whatever. Tell her 'if I was in your situation I'd want to be told', then walk away and move on with your life.

Call me Al

I wouldn't tell her. You already did and look how that has turned out.
But I am wondering why you haven't just outright told him not to contact you again.. or maybe you have?
Because at this stage i'd be blocking his number (as you've done), not engaging with him any further, and just concentrating on my own life.

arayess

you told her once. that should be it. she had the info and acted accordingly.
telling her again makes you look obsessive.

if you say it a 2nd time , he'll spin it that you were after him .
you will get a name for trying to break them up as second time around you'll have no excuse for engaging with him.
In fact cos you told her the first time and then were in further contact (few will care that he texted you first) it will look like you want to wreck their relationship and steal him for yourself.

he sounds like a trainwreck waiting to happen the best thing for you is to step as far away as possible and ignore any further contact he makes.
after the 1st time you told her , she has all the info she needs.

nikkibikki

Please tell her. It'll devastate her but hopefully stop her from making a huge mistake. This happened my one of my best friends a few yrs ago. They were engaged and the other woman told her just when they were in the process of booking the wedding. They came through it and are getting married in a few months but she'd want to know if he was up to his old tricks. Let her do what she wants with the info.

Fair play to you for having the balls to tell her the first time. Not many would do that.

SarahMollie

arayess wrote: »

you told her once. that should be it. she had the info and acted accordingly.
telling her again makes you look obsessive.

if you say it a 2nd time , he'll spin it that you were after him .
you will get a name for trying to break them up as second time around you'll have no excuse for engaging with him.
In fact cos you told her the first time and then were in further contact (few will care that he texted you first) it will look like you want to wreck their relationship and steal him for yourself.

he sounds like a trainwreck waiting to happen the best thing for you is to step as far away as possible and ignore any further contact he makes.
after the 1st time you told her , she has all the info she needs.

The OP doesnt say that she's returned any of his messages, since he got her new number.

Assuming its all one sided, I'd just print off the screen shots of the messages, send them to her and walk away.

I'd definitly wouldnt want to engage in any confrontations etc.

But I think a lot of people will give a 2nd chance, a 3rd chance would just be ridiculous, and if the fiance doesnt take notice this time, then she is beyond help.

In the words on Samantha Jones (when Richard cheated on her I think) "Fool me once, shame on you. Food me twice, shame on me!"

armaghlad

Tell her. So what if you look obsessive. You'd look no more obsessed than the man that's due to get married who went to the trouble of finding your new number.

Neyite

He must be the stupidest cheater on the planet if he thinks its a good idea to go straight back for a bit on the side to the very woman who blew the whistle on his cheating in the first place. Why would he? He should hate you for telling his girlfriend about him. It makes no sense.

I wonder if he spun his fiancée a grand old tale about you - that you chased him maybe, or that you were obsessed with him, wouldn't leave him alone, that when he resisted your affections out of respect for her, that you went all psycho and made up that you had an affair to ruin his life when you got rejected. The sort of thing that cheaters usually say. She believed it initially maybe, but now down the line she's starting to wonder if she got the truth after all so is trying to fact-check before she marries him.

If I were you, I'd send one text basically telling him to leave you alone, he lied to you for X amount of months of a serious relationship, that you would never have gotten with him if you knew he was a cheater, and then say you are going to block him. If its him texting, then you are making it clear you are not interested. If its her 'testing' then it also gives her enough of your version of events to make up her mind.

Midnight Sundance

To be honest I think you should just mind your own business at this stage.
The girl was told what he did. If she chose to forgive and turn a blind eye then she's obviously happy deluding herself.
You've cut contact with him. Let them live their lives and let it span out whatever way is meant to be. You will look like your out to make sure their relationship is over.
I understanding why prion say tell her. However, you already did tell her and she chose to ignore it. It would be different if she was your friend or something , but you don't know her.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I am not replying to his messages and have since blocked him. Last night I got a phone call from a blocked number and it was him. I hung up and was left a vm saying that he was in love with me still... Guys, it's definitely not the drama I'm after. I am actively trying to get out of this and focus on my new relationship. This has rattled me and I just didn't know what to do.

I'm going to sit on it for awhile and not consider anything right now./

Thanks
R

Neyite

op_asdss wrote: »

Hi all,

I am not replying to his messages and have since blocked him. Last night I got a phone call from a blocked number and it was him. I hung up and was left a vm saying that he was in love with me still... Guys, it's definitely not the drama I'm after. I am actively trying to get out of this and focus on my new relationship. This has rattled me and I just didn't know what to do.

I'm going to sit on it for awhile and not consider anything right now./

Thanks
R

Ah ok, so it was him after all. My theory is blown out of the water then!

He sounds deluded. And a bit unhinged tbh. Stay well away from the drama then. If you get a few more texts or calls like that, and you have made it clear you have asked him to stop contacting you then I would actually ask the Gardai to have a word with him to leave you alone.

tickingclock

nikkibikki wrote: »

Please tell her. It'll devastate her but hopefully stop her from making a huge mistake. This happened my one of my best friends a few yrs ago. They were engaged and the other woman told her just when they were in the process of booking the wedding. They came through it and are getting married in a few months but she'd want to know if he was up to his old tricks. Let her do what she wants with the info.

Fair play to you for having the balls to tell her the first time. Not many would do that.

I agree with this completely. She deserves to know. It's much easier for her making the decision of ending an engagement compared to a marriage.

punisher5112

change phone number again op.
think about blocking Facebook and that and be careful who you have as friends cause someone is giving your details.(number)

LegacyUser

Will do. I know where he found it (just googled myself and found it on an ad I had up). I took it down, he's blocked anyway.

Chemical Byrne

I would definitely tell her.

Its not as if he just txted your old number because it was handy, he clearly went digging around on facebook or google for your new number.

I'd say there's a fair chance he promised his fiancee that it would never happen again and all that, blah blah blah, the usual.

I mean, he's getting married to a girl and he's telling you he loves you. That is beyond a cheater and seems to point at someone who is entirely out of their right sense of mind. If I were the fiancee I would want to know, upsetting and all as it is. Tbh, in telling her you will be doing her a massive, massive favour. You could be saving her from a lifetime of being cheated on and being lied to if this is his usual way of doing things.

Think of it like this: if you were that finacee, would you want to know what the man you were marrying was up to?

magicmushroom

PirateShampoo wrote: »

Are you replying to his messages?


If you are, do you think there may be a part of you enjoying the attention and the drama that's coming with it?

What an unfair comment! She clearly states in her OP that she blocked the number both the first time and this time, she is in a new relationship - why throw that accusation out there, it's hardly helpful?

Tell her OP. She needs to know.
It will be heart-breaking for her but if it was me, I'd want to know and I'm sure you would too.

Ursus Horribilis

Not everyone will agree but I would find some way of recording the voicemail message, including the time/date when it was left. Then send it to the fiancée. She needs to know what she's walking into. If she marries him after this, then she's going into it with her eyes open. Better to have a broken engagement than a divorce.

Chemical Byrne

Odus fell down wrote: »

Not everyone will agree but I would find some way of recording the voicemail message, including the time/date when it was left. Then send it to the fiancée. She needs to know what she's walking into. If she marries him after this, then she's going into it with her eyes open. Better to have a broken engagement than a divorce.

This is an excellent idea. I'm sure there'll be a free app on itunes or Google Play that you could save and send the message.

However, I would caution that in your decision as to whether or not to out him you should bear in mind whether ye would all be in the same locality and where you know the couple or their social circle yourselve. In that case I'd be cautions as outing him might have a backlash on you where you could be (wrongly) branded as a troublemaker/homewrecker.

If they are of a different area and different social circle entirely, I'd definitely crack on and inform the fiancee.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

thanks for the comments, I'll move forward and make contact with her soon. I hope she sorts her head out and stays away from him. I feel really bad for her and guilty for ever being involved (even though i didn't know i was the bit on the side). I still have feelings for him, I think I always will, and him contacting me is unfair and selfish.

I need to focus on the new guy who is probably the nicest, most genuine person I have ever dated. I'm so lucky to have him but just need the cheater out of my line of sight.

Thanks again everyone
R

stoplooklisten

op_asdss wrote: »

Hi all,

... hope she sorts her head out and stays away from him. ...
R

she won't and she'll blame you..isn't that what happened the last time?

What do you hope to achieve by telling her? Inform her he's a cheat? - she knows!!

bigpink

Id be contacting the Guards

SarahMollie

op_asdss wrote: »

Hi all,

thanks for the comments, I'll move forward and make contact with her soon. I hope she sorts her head out and stays away from him. I feel really bad for her and guilty for ever being involved (even though i didn't know i was the bit on the side). I still have feelings for him, I think I always will, and him contacting me is unfair and selfish.

I need to focus on the new guy who is probably the nicest, most genuine person I have ever dated. I'm so lucky to have him but just need the cheater out of my line of sight.

Thanks again everyone
R

You'll be doing her a massive favor by letting her know for the 2nd time. But once you've done that, what she does next is up to her. Don't spend your time worrying about her actions, just give her the information and walk away wiht a clear conscience.

eviltwin

op_asdss wrote: »

Hi all,

thanks for the comments, I'll move forward and make contact with her soon. I hope she sorts her head out and stays away from him. I feel really bad for her and guilty for ever being involved (even though i didn't know i was the bit on the side). I still have feelings for him, I think I always will, and him contacting me is unfair and selfish.

I need to focus on the new guy who is probably the nicest, most genuine person I have ever dated. I'm so lucky to have him but just need the cheater out of my line of sight.

Thanks again everyone
R

Its not your responsibility to sort out her relationship. If she was completely in the dark I'd say contact her but she knows his form and despite that has decided to stay with him so I don't see any real benefit to you to let her know. I would be concerned that having contact with her would just validate his contacting you and encourage him. He went to the trouble of trying to find out your new number, that's pretty creepy. You have someone good in your life now and if I was you I would be concentrating on that and putting this episode behind you.

Ursus Horribilis

eviltwin wrote: »

Its not your responsibility to sort out her relationship. If she was completely in the dark I'd say contact her but she knows his form and despite that has decided to stay with him so I don't see any real benefit to you to let her know.

Umm. What if the fiancée agreed to continue with the engagement on the understanding that there'd be no more cheating from yer man? He has not only gone to the trouble of finding her new number but left a voicemail saying he's still in love with her. On those grounds, neither of them should be getting married.

I would be concerned that having contact with her would just validate his contacting you and encourage him.

Why? I would have thought that if the OP passes the texts and (hopefully) the voicemail to the fiancée, it will make this eejit think twice before he tries to make contact again. How will he be able to know for sure that any future attempts to contact the OP won't result in her telling his fiancée?

bigpink

He is stalking you

Chemical Byrne

I think that's a bit of a wild extrapolation at this stage. She's telling his fiancee and giving her the clear evidence that he's been sleazing around behind her back for the second time. That should be enough to put a stop to it. If he still gets in contact then I'd get the gaurds involved.

By the sounds of him, God only knows how many girls he's chasing.

I'd advise OP to tell her by text or over the email just in case to avoid any potential for things to get out of hand if she were to turn up and do it in person.

RebekahD

I'd certainly try to get a copy of the voicemail to her, that beyond all else is proof, texts can be taken up wrong, but the spoken word ? Never.
But he will probably sleaze his way out of that one, that he thought he was calling her etc.
She will take it hard I'm sure, no woman would like to hear her fiancé saying I love you to another woman, but better she finds out before they are married.

Chemical Byrne

I cannot fathom people like him. Why on earth would you be going to marry someone if at the same time you're going around telling other people you love them?

eviltwin

Odus fell down wrote: »

Umm. What if the fiancée agreed to continue with the engagement on the understanding that there'd be no more cheating from yer man? He has not only gone to the trouble of finding her new number but left a voicemail saying he's still in love with her. On those grounds, neither of them should be getting married.



Why? I would have thought that if the OP passes the texts and (hopefully) the voicemail to the fiancée, it will make this eejit think twice before he tries to make contact again. How will he be able to know for sure that any future attempts to contact the OP won't result in her telling his fiancée?

Their relationship is not the OP's concern. The girlfriend was told the first time and it didn't stop him, why would it stop him now? He's left a voice message, he's not exactly covering his arse or attempting to be discreet. I am just wondering at his motives, he's gone to a lot of trouble to get in touch with the OP and for that reason alone I wouldn't feed his demand for attention even second hand through his girlfriend. She knows what he's like but is still continuing with the wedding, that's nothing to do with the OP.

LegacyUser

eviltwin wrote: »

Their relationship is not the OP's concern. The girlfriend was told the first time and it didn't stop him, why would it stop him now? He's left a voice message, he's not exactly covering his arse or attempting to be discreet. I am just wondering at his motives, he's gone to a lot of trouble to get in touch with the OP and for that reason alone I wouldn't feed his demand for attention even second hand through his girlfriend. She knows what he's like but is still continuing with the wedding, that's nothing to do with the OP.

No it's not her immediate concern, but there are times in life you have to do the right thing, and not turn a blind eye and just say 'nothing to do with me', OP you have to let her know, God I would never live it down knowing I knew what he had done and then let a woman go ahead and throw her life away to this scumbag.

The Princess Bride

Whatever about his fiancée, for the life of me I can't understand why he'd wanna still be planning a wedding if he's in love with you-makes zero sense at all.

She's probably assumed he's no longer in touch with you, who knows, maybe he does genuinely love you ?
Regardless, he shouldn't be still contacting you when you clearly don't want it; and he shouldn't be still engaged when his wife to be isn't his first choice.
Quite straightforward really.

If I were her, I'd wanna know he'd left that voicemail.

eviltwin

tellher00 wrote: »

No it's not her immediate concern, but there are times in life you have to do the right thing, and not turn a blind eye and just say 'nothing to do with me', OP you have to let her know, God I would never live it down knowing I knew what he had done and then let a woman go ahead and throw her life away to this scumbag.

She already has let her know. The OP doesn't have any moral obligation to do anything imo, she's met that already by telling the fiancee the first time. She has been through enough and should be able to move on with her life without being made to feel guilty about another relationship especially since the woman in that relationship already knows her partners form.

CaraMay

He probably hasn't the cohones to finish with his fiancée and is hoping she will dump him if he hears about this

IvoryTower

He's probably just an idiot, best ignore

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Just giving an update.

I have spoken to a few friends who know the situation and they agree that contacting her is for the best. I have also told my partner about the scenario and he agrees that she needs to know and is more angry at him for contacting me. He mentioned wanting to contact him but I told him not to - there's no point, really.

I will let you all know the story when I make contact. I am not doing it today as I have a few things going on and a relative in the hospital so I need to visit them (3 hour drive and leaving shortly). I'd prefer to contact her when I know I've the right head space to properly to write it as clearly as I can.

CaraMay, you may well be right, and I hope he does end it and moves on for her good. I'm just glad to be finally saying goodbye to a horrible situation and looking forward to a future with my new partner.

Thanks again
R

dee_mc

Dear Anne
John has been in contact with me again and is now saying that he is in love with me. I couldn't in conscience let you go ahead with the planned wedding without this knowledge. I've changed my numbers since his previous contact and have not engaged with his messages. I won't be responding to him in future and I won't be contacting you if he manages to make further contact.
Yours etc
Mary

Ursus Horribilis

Oh and, he left a voice mail saying this, should you wish to hear it.

I can understand where people are coming from when they say she has been told that he's a philanderer and she knows his form. If I was the OP, my conscience wouldn't let me leave this be. We don't know what the fiancé told her and why they decided to stay together. We don't know what her frame of mind is and if she's living in la-la land now. Sensible people have been known to make daft decisions. In my opinion she deserves to know that he has openly told the OP that he is in love with her. What difference will telling her twice make anyway? If she's determined to marry him come hell or high water then more fool her. If her finding out that he's not as committed as she thinks she is leads to them breaking up, then that's fine too. I don't think now is the time to leave her to twist in the wind because she made what now appears to be the wrong decision.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I have been in touch with the woman and we chatted for awhile. She understands that I was unaware that he was engaged or seeing someone and has been incredibly sweet and understanding. I have no idea how she is not being an utter cow to me as I would be if I were in her shoes. That or she is just completely overwhelmed and working on autopilot.

I told her the situation and sent on proof (I had deleted the VM but had other texts and such that I sent her). She initially wanted to meet with me to discuss but I discouraged it and said that I was changing my number. She agreed it would be too tough and we decided to leave it amicably rather than possibly upsetting each other.

Unfortunately, she told me that she had finished things properly with him the day that I got in touch so i didn't need to contact her but she was grateful I had anyway.

Hopefully she has the sense to stay away. I've since changed my number (again) and deleted all of our messages. It was quite a relief.

Thanks to all for the messages
R

CaraMay

Well done op. I can understand why she was so nice to you - you stuck your neck out to help her. She must be so glad she found out and didn't make a huge mistake.

nikkibikki

OP_asd wrote:

Unfortunately, she told me that she had finished things properly with him the day that I got in touch so i didn't need to contact her but she was grateful I had anyway.

You just cemented her decision. Well done OP. The world needs more people like you.

Ursus Horribilis

OP_asd wrote: »

Unfortunately, she told me that she had finished things properly with him the day that I got in touch so i didn't need to contact her but she was grateful I had anyway.

This fell very nicely for you and I'm glad it did. It seems like both you and her are nice people and way too good for this fella. I think it is a good thing that you gave her this extra information anyway. It may help her stay away from him if she starts having doubts and wonders did she do the right thing. As an aside, I think it is very fortunate indeed that she has ended it. It's not right that she'd be marrying a man who loves someone else.