issues with family members

scarepanda

Hi everyone,

I need some advice badly.

Basically I haven't spoken to an extended family member in 14 years. To put it politely this person is not a nice person and someone I simply do not want anything to do with. They have long since been dead as far as I'm concerned. Initially my family were very supportive, but I think now that they thought as I was a teenager at the time that I'd get over it. Over the years the person in question has gotten them back on side and since my partner and myself told them that we are expecting a baby my immediate family have not let up about 'forgiving and forgetting' the past and that the person has changed. For me its not about that, I just don't want to have anything to do with the person and Someone of this person's nature don't change.
They have been told that I'm expecting and over a month later sent out a 'congratulations' card. It's seriously freaked me out. Mainly because it's not genuine and is part of this person's game to try get some reaction from me and to be able to make me out as the villain when they tell my immediate family. I'm proud to say that iv never reacted to any of their games, I just keep out of the way on the few occasions I can't avoid being in the same area as them. The problem is that they always go whinging to my mother in particular and I'm always portrayed as the problem.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I just want everyone to leave me alone and accept my decision. And for this person to stop trying to play games and draw others into the middle.

I don't have anyone to talk to for advice on how to deal with this. While my partner will back me all the way, he doesn't understand how vindictive this person is. Hes never seen them in action as iv always managed for the most part to keep him away from that side of the family.
The whole sorry situation is really getting me down and at the moment affecting my relationship with my parents and brother.

freshpopcorn

To be honest I think it would be helpful for us to know what happened all those years years ago before we can give you proper advice.
I've known people in your situation and sometimes you could understand why they weren't in contact with a particular person and why they weren't forgiving them and other times people were making a massive deal out of a situation that should have just being forgiven and forgotten about.

intheclouds

Just don't get drawn into conversations about the person and continue to maintain the line that you simply don't want anything to do with the person. People will eventually get bored trying to change your mind and leave it.

I don't think it matters what the reason is. The fact is that you don't want this person in your life and regardless of whether or not anyone thinks that's fair or unreasonable is irrelevant. You don't want them in your life, so that's it.

Whispered

Id agree with the above. You don't need to justify your decision to your family, you're an adult and can't be forced into anything you don't want to do.

If you're sure that cutting this person out is the right thing to do, despite the fact it could be upsetting others in your family then it is obviously not a decision you've made lightly.

I'd suggest keeping a silence on the matter. Don't get drawn into conversation about the past or how they may have changed. Maybe try to end any attempt at talking about it by calmly and politely telling them you've made your decision. Tell them as often as you need to without rising to an argument or getting involved in cajoling. Hopefully they will get bored.

deisemum

OP I'm in a similar position, I cut my mother out of my life nearly 13 years ago. I find it annoying when people who agreed with my reasons for cutting her out out of my life will occasionally now come out with comments such as "but she's your mother and she's elderly" just because time has passed but I'm not for changing. I just tell them it's not up for discussion and change topic. Some of my other siblings have also cut my mother out of their lives too.

I think it's a very manipulative thing to send you the card.

The Raptor

Based on my experience, people don't change.

We were in our twenties when I had a family member constantly go off at me. It would be over the smallest things. Trivial stuff. It was like being a teenager in our twenties. I could get over it but this person never apologised when I was able to prove them wrong. For example, I would get the blame over a missing book and four more people in the house. It was always me who got the blame.

It went on for a good two years until one day I snapped. And they lashed out on me splitting my head open.

For two years, I didn't speak to them.

Anyway, I gave them a chance again, even though I never got an apology for the crap I had to put up with.

Things were OK between us for about two years. Until it started up again. This time, we are in our thirties with someone acting like a teenager, that can't apologise.

Nope, life is too short. I'm over being a teenager. But to go through your twenties and into your thirties with a feeling like you always have to watch what you say, what you do because you don't know when they are going to snap.

I don't want to hit my 40s, 50s in the same position with them. Things hasn't changed in 15 years since being a teenager. In 15 years, i'll almost be 50.

Life is far too short. People don't change. Ignore them and continue on with your life.

deisemum

I agree, people don't change their character bar the odd exception and even then it's usually only veneered over.

RebekahD

deisemum wrote: »

I agree, people don't change their character bar the odd exception and even then it's usually only veneered over.

Totally agree I didn't speak to my mother for years, until family kept trying to convince me she had changed, but despite her being all nice, sunshine and smiles in front of everyone, the minute we were alone she let rip at me for showing her up.
I just wish I hadn't relented, as it took years more to build my self esteem up, and my confidence.
So trust your gut instinct, and good luck.