Problem with shower

jamie124

Hi There,
Not sure if I'm posting in the right thread and this may seem ridiculous but anyways,
So I'm 17 (will be 18 this month) and I am having a problem at home.
I live with my mother, step-father and two younger brothers and basically used to have my own shower as I have my own ensuite bathroom and it broke 2 weeks ago as it's an electric shower and it won't budge now! We have another shower in the house in our upstairs bathroom but here's the thing:
I told my mam about this when my shower broke and she said I could use the upstairs one until my current one is fixed (we still have to get a plumber) and that was fine BUT my stupid step-father is completely deluded and thinks that I don't need to shower as I never get dirty and that I'm too clean to ever need a shower.... And I asked my mam could I have one there tonight as I haven't washed properly in 4 whole days!!! And she said no because there would be war with my stepdad.
Now I am incredibly pissed and I feel literally like **** because I can't shower like wtf is wrong with people.
I think my stepdad is completely deluded and very unreasonable.
Note: (this may or may not be relevant but I'm saying it anyway) I live in the countryside in the west of Ireland and I'm gay (he could be perhaps holding this against me!?? I don't know...)
All I know is I need to have a bloody shower at this stage!!!
What do any of you guys think? What would you do?

Thanks in advance.

Roselm

Why do you need to ask though? Couldn't you just get in there and lock the door?

jamie124

Roselm wrote: »

Why do you need to ask though? Couldn't you just get in there and lock the door?

Hi there,
I thought about it but there's no key to lock the door! and they are always home shortly after i come in from school aswell so still can't do it thanks for the tip though

looksee

Your mother has said you can use the shower in the main bathroom, so why are you asking on each occasion? Are you never in the house when your step father is out? Surely he is not sitting watching the bathroom door to make sure you don't go in? Do you go in and run the hot water for half an hour - it is astonishing how long some people will stay in a shower, especially when someone else is paying the electricity bills! On the face of it it does sound very unreasonable, but maybe we are not getting the whole story?

jamie124

looksee wrote: »

Your mother has said you can use the shower in the main bathroom, so why are you asking on each occasion? Are you never in the house when your step father is out? Surely he is not sitting watching the bathroom door to make sure you don't go in? Do you go in and run the hot water for half an hour - it is astonishing how long some people will stay in a shower, especially when someone else is paying the electricity bills! On the face of it it does sound very unreasonable, but maybe we are not getting the whole story?

Hi,
This might sound silly but I have to get "permission" to have a shower in my house unfortunately and he's only not home when he's at work and he is usually in at the same time when I come home from school so still can't have a shower. Nothing else to say only he's a complete idiot with no respect for me.

Roselm

Well you definitely need to talk to your mum and stepdad about your need to wash regularly!
As a short term solution though I would be washing myself at the sink in the en suite...

sullivlo

Do you have showers in school that you could use, or perhaps could you shower in a friends house?

Also any way you could pay the plumber yourself? I know it's extreme measures but you need a shower.

jamie124

Roselm wrote: »

Well you definitely need to talk to your mum and stepdad about your need to wash regularly!
As a short term solution though I would be washing myself at the sink in the en suite...

Hi,
I have done and no joy he just gets really mad and mad and then threatens to throw me out and to go and live somewhere else if I don't like it (not showering for days) so I don't know I'm kind of stuck and a bit worried....

jamie124

sullivlo wrote: »

Do you have showers in school that you could use, or perhaps could you shower in a friends house?

Also any way you could pay the plumber yourself? I know it's extreme measures but you need a shower.

Hi there,
No showers in school unfortunately, and I do have friends but I wouldn't go that extreme with them if you get me... And I suppose I could pay the plumber yes but I was told by my mum to not tell my stepdad about the plumber coming in it's really annoying and upsetting to be honest.

Roselm

jamie124 wrote: »

Hi,
I have done and no joy he just gets really mad and mad and then threatens to throw me out and to go and live somewhere else if I don't like it (not showering for days) so I don't know I'm kind of stuck and a bit worried....

This is really odd behaviour on his part.
Why would you stop someone from washing? Why would you be monitoring how often soneone was washing?!
Is he controlling in other ways?
Has he said when you can next have a shower?
What if you went to the swimming pool and showered there?

jamie124

Roselm wrote: »

This is really odd behaviour on his part.
Why would you stop someone from washing? Why would you be monitoring how often soneone was washing?!
Is he controlling in other ways?
Has he said when you can next have a shower?
What if you went to the swimming pool and showered there?

I know right thank you someone finally!
Yes it's extremely odd behaviour and in starting to think he's a bit of a nut job like psychiatric case or else he's just completely stuck up I don't know anymore swimming pool well live 25 mins away from the nearest one so that's not really possible I don't drive and my mam is not going to take me there....

questionmark?

I'm sorry OP but it seems there's more to this than just the no shower aspect.

Is it fair to presume your relationship with your step dad isn't the greatest in the first place and this is just another matter in what ever is going on between the two of you? Lets face it, it's basic hygiene to shower and most people would have a shower everyday.

jamie124

questionmark? wrote: »

I'm sorry OP but it seems there's more to this than just the no shower aspect.

Is it fair to presume your relationship with your step dad isn't the greatest in the first place and this is just another matter in what ever is going on between the two of you? Lets face it, it's basic hygiene to shower and most people would have a shower everyday.

Hi there,
Yes our relationship is crap actually but he has a serious problem with ME washing myself especially for some reason and I don't get it. He is very controlling in what I do and do not do be it what I eat what I don't eat , what clothes I wear and how often I wear them for and he goes mad if I change outfits after wearing it for like 3 days so yes it's a very dodgy one to be honest

Raminahobbin

Your Step-dad sounds like a very strange man OP... does he monitor showers for other people in the house or just you?

Could you ask your mam to take him shopping or for a walk or something?

My father was quite odd about showers when I used to live at home. He would time us getting them, and kick up fuss if they went over 10 mins. He also banned showers after 10pm. My siblings and I dealt with it by getting just as angry right back at him, and I had several cold showers after he switched the hot water off on me mid-shower. Not as extreme as your stepdad, but I don't know how to tell you to stop it- if it were me, I'd go ballistic, but I'm aware confrontation is not everyone's thing.

Next best is to try sneak them with the aid of a family member to distract him, if he's not going to be reasonable, and wipe the room down afterwards/leave a window open.

Edit: Just saw your latest post. The man is unhinged. I sincerely wish you the best in dealing with him until you are able to get your own place. I'm sorry you have to put up with this crap

This sounds really crazy to me. To not allow a member of a household to shower is abusive.

If I was you, I would simply defy him and shower, and if he caused trouble, I'd shout really loudly and clearly that you are entitled to wash yourself and to eff off.

Make sure you keep your showers short (ten minutes) and rinse out the shower/bath afterwards, leaving no mess behind you.

However if he has a history of violence this is probably not advisable and if it cannot be resolved by speaking about it, I would consider seeking the help of another trusted adult - teacher, aunt, uncle etc. This, if true, sounds insane.

In the mean time, get yourself a basin. Use your own en-suite. Fill the basin with warm soapy water, get a facecloth, step into the basin and wash yourself thoroughly all over. Then wash your hair over the sink and rinse using a cup. Invest in deodorant and dry shampoo.

Good luck.

freshpopcorn

Couple of things OP.
How often does he shower? I know some people who'd be young enough and they never had a shower growing up so washing to them happened about once a week with a tub of water even now as adults they only have about two showers a week.
What's stopping you from just hopping in the shower? Why do you need permission?

jamie124

Raminahobbin wrote: »

Your Step-dad sounds like a very strange man OP... does he monitor showers for other people in the house or just you?

Could you ask your mam to take him shopping or for a walk or something?

My father was quite odd about showers when I used to live at home. He would time us getting them, and kick up fuss if they went over 10 mins. He also banned showers after 10pm. My siblings and I dealt with it by getting just as angry right back at him, and I had several cold showers after he switched the hot water off on me mid-shower. Not as extreme as your stepdad, but I don't know how to tell you to stop it- if it were me, I'd go ballistic, but I'm aware confrontation is not everyone's thing.

Next best is to try sneak them with the aid of a family member to distract him, if he's not going to be reasonable, and wipe the room down afterwards/leave a window open.

Oh strange isn't the word for him!!
He doesn't monitor anyone else's only MINE for some extremely weird reason , and as I said he also monitors how long I wear an outfit for and he has my mam in on it aswell which is even worse he's brainwashing her!
I'm furious and feel like crying at this point , he's not very easy to distract to be honest.... It's complicated but your situation sounds slightly better at least you actually had access to a shower.

Roselm

I feel your pain! You must feel like screaming!!!
If there's a local shop get some baby wipes anyway cuz they do an ok job all over if you're stuck!
Consider actually getting dirty-go for a nice run through some muddy puddles!!
What has he said? Is it a once a week shower you're allowed ?!
He sounds completely unreasonable. Hope you get this sorted. I'd be putting pressure on your mam to get the plumber in but I can't see this stopping just because your shower is fixed cuz he's not acting rationally. Like why is it ok to shower in one bathroom but not the other!
Edit: just seen all the new posts. I second the opinion that you need a trusted adult. Is there a guidance counsellor at your school you could talk to. This is bigger than showering and is getting abusive

jamie124

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Couple of things OP.
How often does he shower? I know some people who'd be young enough and they never had a shower growing up so washing to them happened about once a week with a tub of water even now as adults they only have about two showers a week.
What's stopping you from just hopping in the shower? Why do you need permission?

Hello,
Now hers the thing he will only shower if he is either going to work or going to mass but other than that he doesn't shower at all , he's a farmer as well and 55 years old. So yes growing up I'm sure he never even knew what a shower was!.
I'm not from the countryside myself I'm actually from Dublin so you can imagine how different it is here in the wesHt (pun intended) but seriously it's crap..

Raminahobbin

You have three choices here, I think:

1) Keep the head down, do what he says, wash yourself using a basin etc and just save save save. Get a job ASAP and get out of there ASAP.
2) Try to have a reasonable conversation with him (although I suspect you've tried and failed to make him see sense).
3) Stand up for yourself and confront him, do not back down. Do what you need to do, shower/wear what you want, refuse to let him control you. Again, save save save. Get a job ASAP and get out of there ASAP.

freshpopcorn

jamie124 wrote: »

Hello,
Now hers the thing he will only shower if he is either going to work or going to mass but other than that he doesn't shower at all , he's a farmer as well and 55 years old. So yes growing up I'm sure he never even knew what a shower was!.
I'm not from the countryside myself I'm actually from Dublin so you can imagine how different it is here in the wesHt (pun intended) but seriously it's crap..

Lots of men are like this who'd be in that category.(not everybody)
Have you tried washing using the hand basin and a cloth?

jamie124

Raminahobbin wrote: »

You have three choices here, I think:

1) Keep the head down, do what he says, wash yourself using a basin etc and just save save save. Get a job ASAP and get out of there ASAP.
2) Try to have a reasonable conversation with him (although I suspect you've tried and failed to make him see sense).
3) Stand up for yourself and confront him, do not back down. Do what you need to do, shower/wear what you want, refuse to let him control you. Again, save save save. Get a job ASAP and get out of there ASAP.

Hi I have semi-tried but I'm really afraid that he might get violent towards me and box me or something or throw me out or... I don't know , I'm still in secondary school so it's getting closer to the leaving cert so a job isn't really an option right now
Thanks for your help.

Ursus Horribilis

Your stepfather is an abusive, controlling bully and he has figured out that denying you access to a shower is a great way to drive you crazy. I wouldn't hold my breath for that shower to be fixed any time soon, unfortunately. I also feel for your mum. He's bullying her too and maybe he wants to keep you under control so you'll not try to protect her. It's all a sorry mess and and a problem that's so much bigger than a broken shower

All you can do for now is wash yourself as best you can with a basin and washcloths and grab showers whenever the opportunity arises. Don't let him see how desperate you are to have a shower or how this is getting to you. Hard and all as it is, I think you're going to have to just keep your head down and get through the leaving cert without causing any fuss. By all means talk to a trusted teacher/relative but for now I don't think this is a boat that should be rocked. What are your plans post-leaving cert? Are you planning to go working? Going to college? Hopefully you'll get to a stage where you'll not be financially dependent on home. While that continues, he has control.

MintyMagnum

Is he trying to make you 'undateable'?

Chocolate fiend

Sounds like he is afraid he might catch "Gay" off you after you use the shower. He sounds awful OP and it sounds like he is a controlling man to not only you but your mother as well. Do you have any relatives you can talk to or that can let you shower at their house?

Into The Blue

Roselm wrote: »

As a short term solution though I would be washing myself at the sink in the en suite...

This was the first thing I thought of.. Pit wash.
Anything to save a row. Only two years to college, keep the head down, nearly there!

Merkin

jamie124 wrote: »

Hi there,
Yes our relationship is crap actually but he has a serious problem with ME washing myself especially for some reason and I don't get it. He is very controlling in what I do and do not do be it what I eat what I don't eat , what clothes I wear and how often I wear them for and he goes mad if I change outfits after wearing it for like 3 days so yes it's a very dodgy one to be honest

Could you tell us a little bit more about he acts towards you please. You've given us hints but could you please tell us about how he acts day to day? And how your mother is complicit? I'm just a little concerned at the level of control and what's going on in your life. If you could paint a fuller picture we may be able to advise you better.

Merkin

jamie124 wrote: »

Hi I have semi-tried but I'm really afraid that he might get violent towards me and box me or something or throw me out or... I don't know , I'm still in secondary school so it's getting closer to the leaving cert so a job isn't really an option right now
Thanks for your help.

Has he been violent before?

bmwguy

Does he use the same shower? I think it is the fact you are gay means he won't share a shower with you. Very backwards mentality but some people are like that still unfortunately.

jamie124

Merkin wrote: »

Has he been violent before?

No he's hasn't but he does punch a chair or something or bangs the table to make sure that you know he's mad so I'm just afraid that it will turn on me.

Flippyfloppy

So are your brothers allowed shower freely? Amy chance one of them could say they're taking a shower and you just take it?

Or if your stepdad is a farmer does he not go out early in the morning? If so could you get up early and shower before school?

jamie124

bmwguy wrote: »

Does he use the same shower? I think it is the fact you are gay means he won't share a shower with you. Very backwards mentality but some people are like that still unfortunately.

Yes he does use the same shower (occasionally ugh) I don't think that's the reason though somehow I think he's just mad as in psychiatric case.

jamie124

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

So are your brothers allowed shower freely? Amy chance one of them could say they're taking a shower and you just take it?

Or if your stepdad is a farmer does he not go out early in the morning? If so could you get up early and shower before school?

Hi there,
Well one is 7 and the other 2 so you can imagine how impossible that would be to say that they are in it when I actually am.... Yes but mum usually decides when to shower them not him.
Yes he does go to the farm but not in the morning time....

jamie124

Merkin wrote: »

Could you tell us a little bit more about he acts towards you please. You've given us hints but could you please tell us about how he acts day to day? And how your mother is complicit? I'm just a little concerned at the level of control and what's going on in your life. If you could paint a fuller picture we may be able to advise you better.

Hi There,
He acts weird he is a weird individual anyways and always has been but not to this extent about the shower only recently he's been keeping an eye on how often I shower and if I don't wear an outfit for long enough like a week he goes mad and tells me to put on my old outfit (which is dirty at that stage) he's not violent at all but he just makes himself look like is..
My mother is not a woman you mess with with regards to control there are certain things she won't let him control he doesn't like it but she doesn't care but still she goes along with what he says about me which is what I don't get.

Keane2baMused

OP do you have any other relatives (of your mums) you could talk to about this?

I would imagine if they are 'typical' people they would find this man's behaviour pretty alarming. They may have a quiet word with your mother.

Your mother may well be afraid of him and doesn't want to defy him. It's possible you don't know all that happens between them. Assert yourself. Get in the shower and if he goes mad ask him what his problem is with someone having a wash?

If he hits you, contact TULSA or speak with a teacher who can do so. You don't have to live like this.

Merkin

It's absolutely ridiculous. You need to talk to your mother about this immediately and tell her if things don't change you're going to have to get your teachers involved. I don't know if he's just a filthy pig or a filthy homophobic pig but you can't let your personal hygiene slide because of whatever control he wishes to exert. Get her to get a plumber in ASAP and get this sorted.

racso1975

Given the age gap would it be fair to assume that he is the father of your brothers? And that he does not act this way towards them?

tradhead

I think someone has touched on this already, but to me it sounds like he thinks you haven't "earned" a shower- if he's saying you couldn't possibly be dirty when you haven't done anything, maybe he resents the fact that he's working hard on the farm and you appear to be doing nothing?

Crazy, I know, because you're obviously still in school but maybe a way around it could be to go for a run or something so that you clearly need a shower afterwards...if it was anyone else I'd suggest offering to give him a hand on the farm but I don't think spending more time with this man is what you need right now! Good luck OP x

intheclouds

Tell your mother that you will be contacting the public health nurse regarding your lack of access to basic washing facilities.

vandriver

Sounds like,in his head,he has a family of 4,and you.He doesn't want you in the house and is making it as unpleasant as possible.

Ursus Horribilis

I don't suppose you're in touch with your own father?

Rubberchikken

op
sorry i haven't read all the replies but from your op i felt uncomfortable about this man.
imo it's not a normal way to behave.

do you have anyone you trust that you could speak to?
i'm sorry you're experiencing this.

zoobizoo

Hey - just in practical terms of washing yourself... (I won't comment on his odd behaviour).

When I was in India where they had no showers, I had a bucket of hot water and a small jug in some of the places I stayed.

Lather up and then rinse off using the jug.

Not ideal but it works. Step into the bath to do it and it's as effective as a shower in the short term.

(not sure how this works if you have long hair mind).

Emme

OP this man is not behaving like a normal person. The issue is bigger than you being denied access to a shower (basic human right) and being told when to change your clothes. He's a controlling bully and your mother is neglecting you by allowing him to treat you like this.

I have a feeling your shower won't be fixed in the foreseeable future unless your mum can arrange for it to be done when he's not around and pay for it. Is your mother working and supporting the family as well? I wouldn't put it past your step-father to sabotage your shower.

The fact that he's a farmer is no excuse. Most farmers are perfectly reasonable and are happy to shower at least once a day and change their clothes on a regular basis. The other kind stink in every way. I know it's none of my business but he doesn't sound particularly industrious if he only farms for half a day unless he has a part time job.

Is he the biological father of your two younger brothers? Perhaps he doesn't want you around and this is his way of showing it.

It's hard to get help or social services in rural areas. Are you in touch with any of your biological father's family? If so would they be able to help?

I agree with the suggestion earlier to talk to a public health nurse. Tell your mother you will do this if you are not allowed to keep yourself clean.

gazzer

Did he monitor your showers when you had the en suite one working?

Jimmy Bottlehead

OP this behaviour from him isn't acceptable. His threats aren't acceptable. If he threatens you again, I'd advise you to call his bluff. If he hits you, he's in serious trouble and you've proof of assault. If he doesn't hit you, you know he's full of **** and can just shower.

The man is a bully and you don't have to tolerate it. I'm genuinely sorry this is happening to you.

Niemoj

OP I am honestly speechless with this, I can't offer you advice much more than the amazing help that's been offered but stay strong, do not let him win in this, chip up!

LegacyUser

I think this is the weirdest story I've read here.

I'm trying to understand a semi sane reasoning behind him not letting you use the shower and not allowing you to change your clothes regularly, but the only thing I could think of is I wonder if he is just some mega stingy person person when it comes to costs and is it the water charges he is considering?

Is he of the older/traditional mindset that a lad your age should have a part time job and be contributing to the household bills and that this is why he doesn't think you've "earned" the right to have daily showers or to use the washing machine regularly?
Have you argued before about the length of your showers or the amount of laundry you regularly have to do?

Your en-suite shower was electric, is the one in the main bathroom the different type where the immersion needs to be put on which is high on bills, or where one person could use up all the water on themself if they spend too long in it?

Btw even if any of this is his reasoning I still don't think it is in anyways fair or rational, but am trying to imagine how it might seem sane in the mind of a hugely tight stingy but also controlling person..

If he had no problem with you showering regularly in your own en-suite though that would make me think that other people might be right and that it might have something to do with you being gay that is making him not allow you use the shower he shares.

Did he control your showers in the en-suite?
Is he refusing to allow you use the shared shower completely or is he saying you can use it but only at a certain frequency such as once a week or something?
How is he making you change back into dirty clothes? When he tells you to put dirty clothes back on, what would happen if you just say "no they're dirty, I'm not changing? "

If his arguments are about spending reasons and the cost of immersion, or water charges involved in showering and washing clothes, then you could try to come to some agreement to have very quick showers, and to organise your laundry economically into appropriate loads.

Personally if I was you I would just think fcuk him and use the shower and change my clothes whenever I needed to. If he gets violent you can have him done for assault and hopefully get him kicked out of that house.

He sounds like a very weird bully. Is he controlling in other areas of your life separate to personal hygiene issues?

I would try talking first with him and coming to an agreement, but if that didn't work I'd just shower anyways. Report him if he tries to get aggressive with you.

louised88

This is pretty clearly neglect and emotional abuse, being deprived of hygiene facilities and made to wear dirty clothes, having the stepfather bang things to make the OP feel threatened of potential violence. OP, I would suggest talking to a guidance counsellor if you have one, or your class head/year head if not. Your school should have guidelines in place for when a student is being subjected to abusive behaviours. You don't deserve this, and I wish you all the best.

Sunny Dayz

OP does your stepfather say anything about you being gay? How long have you been "out"? Has he always treated you this way?


Without sounding disrespectful - would you be quite interested in your appearance, would you be considered to be a bit more effeminate compared to straight guys your own age? I've noticed from cousins the same age as yourself that boys (in particular straight boys) are far more interested in their appearances and style compared to 10/15 years ago. Maybe it's something he doesn't understand of the next generation. But IMO I don't see how he could lose the rag over it!

Emme

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

OP does your stepfather say anything about you being gay? How long have you been "out"? Has he always treated you this way?


Without sounding disrespectful - would you be quite interested in your appearance, would you be considered to be a bit more effeminate compared to straight guys your own age? I've noticed from cousins the same age as yourself that boys (in particular straight boys) are far more interested in their appearances and style compared to 10/15 years ago. Maybe it's something he doesn't understand of the next generation. But IMO I don't see how he could lose the rag over it!

This is irrelevant as is the OP's sexual orientation. The step-father is denying the OP the right to a DAILY shower and bangs and huffs when he changes his clothes after a day or two wearing them. This is good personal hygiene, not vanity.