My girlfriend incredibly jealous of ex

LegacyUser

Hi all, apologies about my English - typing on phone.

My girlfriend is incredibly fixated on my ex girlfriend - who I haven't seen in over three years.

The (ex) was my first really bad break up which made me to place her on a pedestal and invoked obsessive behavior from time to time (was she my soul mate - I'll never fall in love again blah blah). In reality, we never had much in common and she cheated on me multiple time.

Sometimes I look up exes on Facebook (doesn't everybody) just to see how they're doing - for some reason my girlfriend takes this as a major obsession and is horrible behaviour... is it??

I literally do not think about my ex girlfriend is any romantic light at all - I love who I'm with at the moment (we've been living together for a year now).

Constant accusations like this are starting to make my life a living hell... right now she locked herself in the bedroom. I just checked the search history which is :

'My boyfriend just settled for me'
'*ex girlfriends blog/fb*'
Feel like he doesn't love me

And so on...

... she's never had a long term relationship before whereas I have.

What am I supposed to do? I'm forbidden from looking about exes or speaking about experiences with exes or else she detaches herself for days - whereas I'm always interested in hearing about her stories with exes.

Full disclaimer: I LOVE my girlfriend, she us absolutely amazing, creative, intelligent and fun. She's just so anxious about all of this that when I tell her otherwise she just thinks I'm lying and manipulative.

What should I do?

racso1975

Fragrentandmessy wrote: »

Hi all, apologies about my English - typing on phone.

My girlfriend is incredibly fixated on my ex girlfriend - who I haven't seen in over three years.

The (ex) was my first really bad break up which made me to place her on a pedestal and invoked obsessive behavior from time to time (was she my soul mate - I'll never fall in love again blah blah). In reality, we never had much in common and she cheated on me multiple time.

Sometimes I look up exes on Facebook (doesn't everybody) just to see how they're doing - for some reason my girlfriend takes this as a major obsession and is horrible behaviour... is it??

I literally do not think about my ex girlfriend is any romantic light at all - I love who I'm with at the moment (we've been living together for a year now).

Constant accusations like this are starting to make my life a living hell... right now she locked herself in the bedroom. I just checked the search history which is :

'My boyfriend just settled for me'
'*ex girlfriends blog/fb*'
Feel like he doesn't love me

And so on...

... she's never had a long term relationship before whereas I have.

What am I supposed to do? I'm forbidden from looking about exes or speaking about experiences with exes or else she detaches herself for days - whereas I'm always interested in hearing about her stories with exes.

Full disclaimer: I LOVE my girlfriend, she us absolutely amazing, creative, intelligent and fun. She's just so anxious about all of this that when I tell her otherwise she just thinks I'm lying and manipulative.

What should I do?

Firstly stop looking up exes!!!! I know to you it seems innocent but to somebody who may be insecure in them-self it wont. Plus if you are not still friends and dont meet up why look them up!!!

If a search is I feel unloved then that speaks out loudly that may be she just feels like she does not get enough in return for what she puts in. Could this be the case

Some people, like you, dont mind talking about exes etc to others it can be hell to hear about it especially if you mention being obsessed or placing on a pedestal as it can appear to be an impossible act to follow. Your girlfriend is like this so why talk about exes? plus even in your op you only refer to the one

However and no offence intended here I get the vibe that she may be immature and not just in never having had a relationship before but storming off and locking herself in bedroom is a bit drama queen.

What are the constant accusations you refer too? Does her beaviour be like this in relation to other arguments or when she does not get her own way on other things

Keane2baMused

Looking at it from her perspective. Why would you want to keep speaking about past relationships that ended badly and you were treated like crap by all accounts?

More so why would you keep looking them up on Facebook?? You have your head in the clouds if you believe she has no reason to feel insecure. After those actions it would be difficult for her not to.

It sounds to me that you are not as 'over' the ex as you claim. Think about your priorities, spending time with your current girlfriend and making her feel loved or wasting valuable time discussing and creeping on old flames?

timmy880

Sometimes I look up exes on Facebook (doesn't everybody) just to see how they're doing

No......... not everybody does that at all. Blocked all my ex's on Facebook and my fiancée has done the same. You are just kidding yourself if you think it's normal to be looking up ex's to see "how they're doing"......... What are you hoping to achieve here? You are risking making yourself jealous if you see them happy and freaking your girlfriend out at the same time. No good can come of it. Stop kidding yourself.

pookie82

Fragrentandmessy wrote: »

The (ex) was my first really bad break up which made me to place her on a pedestal and invoked obsessive behavior from time to time (was she my soul mate - I'll never fall in love again blah blah). In reality, we never had much in common and she cheated on me multiple time.

Sometimes I look up exes on Facebook (doesn't everybody) just to see how they're doing - for some reason my girlfriend takes this as a major obsession and is horrible behaviour... is it??

I think the key here is did your current gf ever witness in any shape or form to this "obsessive" behaviour of yours with regard to your ex? In the early days did you share this feeling that she was the one that got away and you'd never love again, etc.? If so, that's half the damage done right there, no matter how you say you feel now.

True, lots of people look up exes - how often are you doing it, though? Once a week? Once a month? What are you looking for? A casual glance twice a year might be the max I'd consider "normal", and even at this stage why would you bother with that?

Let's face it, electronic evidence of you looking up your last gf and going through her life/photos will not inspire confidence in your current gf. That said, she sounds like she's lacking in self esteem a little to lock herself in the bedroom over it ... or is she seeing this happen on a weekly basis?

Her inexperience in relationships no doubt means this is totally new territory for her and she's not handling it well. Exes are never a nice topic but they'll be a reality for almost 100% of people in relationships at one point or another, so she needs to learn how to deal with it, as long as you're reasonable about not looking her up every second week.

SarahMollie

Yeah I think you need to be more strict with yourself regarding looking up your ex. Its just not a good habit to get into.

Unless there is a really really good reason for you still to be in each others lives, a clean break is much better. This includes ignoring/blocking on social media. There is no need for you to track this womans life.

I do also think your girlfriend is overreacting but i can see why she doesnt like it. She's maybe reacting out of immaturity/inexperience, but her instincts are telling her that if you're still keeping track of your ex, that you're not giving her 100%.

CaraMay

Fragrentandmessy wrote: »

.


Constant accusations like this are starting to make my life a living hell... right now she locked herself in the bedroom. I just checked the search history which is :

'My boyfriend just settled for me'
'*ex girlfriends blog/fb*'
Feel like he doesn't love me

Now I know it's not ideal for the guy you are living with to be looking up his ex's but the above behaviour is very extreme given his relatively minor actions. It's way beyond the realms of normal or acceptable reactions. I'm not sure why the posters think he's the one doing wrong.

Op If you gf is making your life hell, at this stage about something so minor then I would be reassessing the relationship. Do you ever get to go out alone with your friends? Go away with them? Are you feeding this behaviour in any way? Her searches are raising serious red flags for me and I don't think anything a non professional (like you) can do to help her. She needs counseling.

Keane2baMused

CaraMay wrote: »

Now I know it's not ideal for the guy you are living with to be looking up his ex's but the above behaviour is very extreme given his relatively minor actions. It's way beyond the realms of normal or acceptable reactions. I'm not sure why the posters think he's the one doing wrong.

Op If you gf is making your life hell, at this stage about something so minor then I would be reassessing the relationship. Do you ever get to go out alone with your friends? Go away with them? Are you feeding this behaviour in any way? Her searches are raising serious red flags for me and I don't think anything a non professional (like you) can do to help her. She needs counseling.

I get what you're would saying but would you feel loved or secure if your current partner was consistently talking about their ex (initially even) and looking them up on Facebook?

That's not normal behaviour!

It sounds like the girl has been pushed to this point. No smoke without fire...

CaraMay

Keane2baMused wrote: »

I get what you're would saying but would you feel loved or secure if your current partner was consistently talking about their ex (initially even) and looking them up on Facebook?

That's not normal behaviour!

It sounds like the girl has been pushed to this point. No smoke without fire...

But we don't know how often. I have ex's on Facebook and my oh doesn't care less. Why? because he's secure and trusts me. His ex is on his Twitter and LinkedIn - so what?!?!? He certainly wouldn't act like that over Facebook nosing and no one should have to put up with that for just looking at something on Facebook. Imagine if he was to say hello to an ex in the supermarket - what would she do then? Her severe reaction says more about her than him. Sounds like she isn't mature enough to be living with someone in an adult relationship.

SarahMollie

CaraMay wrote: »

But we don't know how often. I have ex's on Facebook and my oh doesn't care less. Why? because he's secure and trusts me. His ex is on his Twitter and LinkedIn - so what?!?!? He certainly wouldn't act like that over Facebook nosing and no one should have to put up with that for just looking at something on Facebook. Imagine if he was to say hello to an ex in the supermarket - what would she do then? Her severe reaction says more about her than him. Sounds like she isn't mature enough to be living with someone in an adult relationship.

Agree, the OP needs to be a bit more specific about how much time he's spending looking at his Ex on FB to determine whether she's massively overreacting or not. The OP could be downplaying his role here, so unless he qualifies how often he looks at her FB, its hard to know.


However I don't feel that much good can come from keeping track of exes online. To me, its like picking at a scab, prolonging the agony. Some people manage to stay friends, but most don't. I've never stayed friends with an ex, because I've never dated anyone who was a close friend before hand, so there was no friendship there to go back to, even if you could manage that.

It doesnt sound like the OP is actually friends with his ex, he just likes tracking her life. This seems so pointless to me. Is he still a bit jealous? What kick does he get from satisfying this curiosity? I feel no good can come from it.

Augme

Sounds like your girlfriend has serious insecurity issues. Those aren't going to be fixed overnight and she might even realise she has a problem, and thus not be interested in fixing them.

bluetomato

Lots of people do look up their exes just out of curiosity, I don't think it's a big deal at all if it's an occasional thing. How does your current girlfriend know that you do that though?

As for not wanting to hear stories involving an ex, some people really don't want to hear those.....and I can understand that depending on what the stories are about but if you're telling a story about something that happened or you experienced and it's not a romantic, sexy or deep and meaningful story then I think most people would be able to handle it. You shouldn't have to hide who was there with you when such a thing happened if you know what I mean.

charlietheminxx

What are the pair of you like?! She looks up your history to see if you've been looking up your ex... You check her history to read what she's been searching after looking at your history. That's not healthy on either side.

I've exes who I am friendly with, and exes I am not. It's no issue to my boyfriend but then I never described anyone to him the way you've described your ex above. Youre not friendly with your ex but it seems clear to me that in your mind on some level she's "the one that got away". If your girlfriend is looking at it like that, then she feels second best. She thinks if your ex hadn't dumped you then you'd still be together. She probably thinks you still miss your ex and pine for her a bit since you read her blog.

Your girlfriend is insecure and needs to work on her self-esteem. I think you need to work on your tact. I think you both need to build trust if you have a hope in hell of a future.

Keane2baMused

CaraMay wrote: »

But we don't know how often. I have ex's on Facebook and my oh doesn't care less. Why? because he's secure and trusts me. His ex is on his Twitter and LinkedIn - so what?!?!? He certainly wouldn't act like that over Facebook nosing and no one should have to put up with that for just looking at something on Facebook. Imagine if he was to say hello to an ex in the supermarket - what would she do then? Her severe reaction says more about her than him. Sounds like she isn't mature enough to be living with someone in an adult relationship.

I agree to an extent. My own dp has exes on his facebook and lots of female friends and I could care less as we trust each other completely.

However in a past crappy relationship I would have been insecure and rightly so, my instincts were on the button. I was told I was crazy, jealous,insecure etc and all the while he was a lying cheating scumbag!

So I suppose I can see it from this girls perspective. However thats not to say this is what the OP is like. She may have been hurt badly in the past and is projecting, or else OP isn't giving the full story.

SarahMollie

I just think social media is terrible for relationships. Before it people could just move on more easily - what were you going to do, phone someone on their landline or stand outside their house? It makes it just too easy to be a stalker. So many people are endlessly gushing about their love in the good times, and when things turn sour, its just makes it too easy to keep track of someone who you probably don't need to be in contact with anymore.

My FB recently suggested an ex (first proper BF of 3 years) who I'd never been friends with on FB because we broke up just before it really took off. We've had zero contact in about 8 years and have no mutual friends, so God knows how it knew to suggest him!

His profile picture was his wedding day - weird one to say the least!

CaraMay

Keane2baMused wrote: »

However in a past crappy relationship I would have been insecure and rightly so, my instincts were on the button. I was told I was crazy, jealous,insecure etc and all the while he was a lying cheating scumbag!

This is the point though. It's clearly a crappy relationship if this stuff is going on! Why would anyone stay in a relationship like this? Op ye are clearly not compatible.

barleybooley

Your girlfriend sounds exactly like me when I was with my first boyfriend, it was like reading the flip side of how I felt! I used to obsess over my then bf's ex; To me, she didn't seem like a very nice person and I used to question if I was like her because he had been with both of us and constantly require reassurance that not alone he loved me but loved me more than he loved her. I used to pick fights all the friggin' time with him over her. Now, that said, he did very little to dampen my insecurities; He spoke to her a couple of times early in our relationship, I found searches for her on my own laptop history, I made him delete her from Facebook (I know, I know, but, in my defense, I was still quite young and immature) and he re-added her and spoke to her on it and I felt like if she was that bad (and he used to say she was) then why carry on talking to her?

From my experience, I think it's a feeling of inadequacy on your gf's part. I don't have any feelings towards with my current OH's exes and I think that's just down to a mixture of maturity and experience at this stage but it could also be down to the fact that he has no contact at all with them. If you want to help your own situation, I think you should probably cut out your ex. We all make sacrifices in relationships (look up Dan Savage's video The Price of Admission, sound relationship advice!).

Hope it works out for you, OP!

In her defence, I'm wary of guys who talk about their exes a lot or keep tabs on them, but unless it's a constant thing I wouldn't be too bothered if you looked her up to see how she is getting on - occasionally - or mentioned her in passing. Constantly talking about your battered heart wouldn't go down well.

Still, your girlfriend sounds like a 14 year old who wants to be the sole focus of your attention, doesn't want to contemplate you having a past, and is probably generally the jealous type who'll overreact to many innocent scenarios. How is she with your female friends? Does she dislike them all without giving them a chance? Is she jealous generally?

That rarely changes and is very hard to live with. Anyone who 'forbids' you from speaking or even thinking about something under threat of ostracisation is usually very hard work and emotionally manipulative. People like that rarely compromise and you'll either have to live by her rules and allow her to police you or live with the sulks and manipulation.

Also, if the search term for your ex's blog or facebook is her trying to find out more about her, she's the one obsessed and it could turn very ugly if she involves the ex.