Anyone been in this situation before?

LegacyUser

Basically, I hate where I'm living!

I live with my girlfriend in her home village. We've been here 2 years now.

The problem is I don't like the place and I don't know anyone really except her family, which is mainly my own fault, but I'm not a great mixer.
My job is erratic (I work for myself as plumber), whereas she is a secondary school teacher.
Work is very quiet at the moment, and I'm bored stiff.

It's only now I've come to realise that I don't like the village we're in. It's tiny and there's nothing to do. My own home is 3 hours away. That's where I'd like to live but girlfriend won't move there because she doesn't want to leave her family and her job.

I understand that it won't be nice to leave her family, and it's very hard to get a teaching job if she moved to where I'm originally from, but what about me?

We're together 7 years. It's about time that I put a ring on it, but if I do I don't know what the future holds... It will more than likely mean staying here forever, and the thought of that kills me.. That's the main reason why I've never proposed before.

She knows I don't like it here but never mentions it. I said it to her 3 weeks ago but she didn't say much. I don't want us to split up, but I don't want to live where she's from, and she won't live where I'm from, and there's no in-between, pointless both of not liking where we live, so I'm at a loss.

She thinks that because my work is very slow the last while that I've too much time to think and that's why I don't like it here.. I have a family too, with aging parents, but that doesn't seem to matter. She suggested that I go home every odd weekend or go down when I'm not working, but there's no fun in that, living out of a suitcase every so often...

I'm very unhappy!

Anyways, has anyone been in the same boat? If so, what did you do?

seamus

Haven't been in the same boat myself, but I think you do need to sit down and have a proper chat with your girlfriend. Get some dinner, insist on sitting at the table and explain to her that you want a future with her, but it can't be there, you'll go mad.

Although because she's happy you feel like this is your problem to sort out, it's not. If the two of you are to have a future together, then the problem belongs to both of you. If she refuses to discuss it, then she's ignoring your unhappiness and that's no foundation for a permanent relationship.

A halfway house seems like the most obvious option. You're a plumber, so living in a small town means there's less work on. A larger town or city would have more work available to you. Is there somewhere bigger that's still within commuting distance of her current job?

Although, to be fair, she may also have a point. You say you've been there 2 years and right now work is very quiet. And now you've realised you don't like the place. Potentially because you're bored.

Maybe look into things you can do when you have downtime - a hobby that works solo like golfing or cycling. Or perhaps get a dog - you'd be surprised just how much more "exposure" a dog gives you around the local area. You'll start mixing and getting to know local people as you're out walking the dog, which in turn means that you may get more work, and it means you're not looking around at strange faces in the pub. And when you have no work on, you have something to do - i.e. take the dog out for a run.

Basically what I'm saying is to definitively rule out boredom as the cause of your angst. And do that by filling your downtime with things that don't involve sitting around the house eating, watching TV or playing computer games.

popa smurf

Ya I moved over close to the OH home place but not too close 20 min. we met and lived together in dublin but were from different ends of the country, we decided at the time that it would be nice to have some family near by and we decided to move to wifes county because houses were cheaper, ok houses were cheap for a reason it is quite but quite is nice for us now. We are here 10 years now 4 kids later and I finally call this place home. A little tip if you take a drink find yourself a local bar make an effort to go in at same time once a week and you meet the same people and you get to know them. I started going out at same time to same pub on sat eve and now its like a small club.

LegacyUser

Is there a town nearby that you could both move to? Small villages can be hard going if you are not a local. If she was within a short commuting distance of her family & work, and you had the benefit of living somewhere a bit bigger surely this would work out better for both of you?

In the meantime try to make more of an effort to get to know other people in the village, even if it's hard for you to mix. If you are not into the usual GAA / Soccer activities, maybe they have a drama society where you could help out behind the scenes if you're not into acting, or maybe some voluntary groups like meals on wheels? As another poster said, if you go to the pub at the same time in the evening you will more than likely get talking to somebody - there's usually a core crowd sitting at the bar in every village pub in the evenings! You could just have a coke but at least you could get talking to someone.

If you are not working during the week at the moment, that would be the ideal time to visit your parents. It's not ideal but if you are off anyway it makes sense to go & stay with them for a night & maybe meet up with some old friends for a catch up as well. Even if it was once a month it would put your mind at rest about seeing them.

You need to talk to your OH seriously about your issues though because it can't all be about her & your needs should be taken into consideration also.

KikiDee

Hey OP,

I've been in kind of a similar situation to you. I moved to a different area of the country, about an hour away from my family and friends. Everyone I knew, I knew through my partner at the time. It was difficult and lonely. I get that. But I think Seamus could be onto something....are you only feeling this way because work is quite at the moment? Have you felt this way for the past 2 years? I think you need to figure that out first maybe.

miezekatze

I agree with what some other posters said about maybe moving to the nearest town or a town that's kind of in the middle between both your homes. I'm from a small village myself and I know my OH would most likely feel the same as you if I insisted on moving there, it's not for everyone. It can't be all about her needs, hopefully you can come to a compromise.

LegacyUser

miezekatze wrote: »

I agree with what some other posters said about maybe moving to the nearest town or a town that's kind of in the middle between both your homes. I'm from a small village myself and I know my OH would most likely feel the same as you if I insisted on moving there, it's not for everyone. It can't be all about her needs, hopefully you can come to a compromise.

It doesn't have to be a small village. I moved to Galway with my wife. It's her home town although we met in Dublin where I grew up. Essentially I left all my friends and family behind and like the OP I'm not a good mixer. Cool though Galway is, I do miss Dublin badly. Galway is like a village to me.

Not only that I gave up work to look after the kids so I'm very isolated now. It's depressing and I drink too much of late My wife is very good. She would never stand in my way if I want to go somewhere but it's not that easy and I take my responsibility to the children seriously.

My point I think is that if one partner is unhappy then both soon will be. The solution to find a compromise location that neither party wants is not a recipe for success. If you are looking for for a long term future together. This issue needs to be dealt with now. She needs to be aware of your discomfort and be prepared to address the issue.

In my own case I would never have agreed to move to a small village or even a town. I knew I would hate it. I thought Galway being a decent size city would be OK. But I was wrong. It really is a deal breaker. Marriages have split up because of it.

popa smurf

Well its a big decision and they have to be compromise on one part I would hate to see my OH unhappy so I went with the theory of a happy wife a happy life.

cloudatlas

This would be a deal breaker for me. It seems as if she has compromised nothing and you have given in completely to please her. Like the poster above suggests a compromise might be moving between the two places or moving together to a big city to start a new life. If you are this unhappy now then imagine what it would be like if you were married and had kids anchoring you to the place. If she doesn't want a compromise then perhaps you should break up. No point in staying with someone who does nothing when they see that there partner is genuinely unhappy.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys, really appreciate ye taking the time to read.

I don't think moving to a town between both of our homes is going to help to be honest. What that will mean is every 2nd weekend we'll be hitting the road staying in other peoples houses. At the moment we head to my home maybe every 5 weeks for the weekend. I'd prefer to stay here than both of us being in a strange place, because at least here we have her family and that helps a little.

I'm not a drinker as such, I used to love going to the pub, but I've out-grown that so I doubt I'll head to the pub on Saturday evenings.

As for me now only realising I don't like the place due to me being quiet with work, to be honest I've felt this way shortly after moving here but I put up with it because I said I'd give myself time to settle. But it's 2 years now.

We're talking of marriage & kids the odd time, we're in our 30's so it's time, but as I said before in post 1, that frightens the **** outta me coz it will probably mean staying here. She has a great family who all look out for each other, all her sisters & parents minding each others kids, rotating school drop offs etc, whereas in my village, which is bigger, she wouldn't have the same support, so she has said before, as recent as 5 weeks ago, that she'd never move there.

The problem is essentially me. I'm a terrible mixer. I'm being selfish too in saying I want us to move to where I'm from. Where we live now is in the midlands, very very rural, just bogs all around. Where I'm originally from is very rural too, but it's beside the sea, beaches, mountains , lakes etc, and I like the outdoors. Here, I have a bike that never use coz I find it boring cycling where there's no scenery. But again, that's my own issue.

I suppose the other thing that's getting to me is my parents. They're getting on a bit. They live alone and every time I see them they ask me to do things for them which I like to do because they're not able at times. My girlfriends family (5 siblings) all live beside her parents, whereas all my siblings live in Dublin (4 hours away) and I've said to her that I hate seeing my parents not being able to do stuff and there's no1 to help them, whereas your family is all around your parents.

She understands, but still said she'd never live down there due to no jobs, and no family/friends which I do understand, but the whole thing is just sh1t.

Anyways, sorry for moaning, thanks again, and anyone who has been in this position before, feel free to share. Thanks.

popa smurf

Go home for a little while don't split up just say you need to go home. picture might become a little clearer. See if you can get a bit of work at home ,use work as an excuse and see how it goes from there. Absense makes the heart grow fonder. You put the ball back in her court, you sell her the place where you want your kids to grow up.

popa smurf

I would rather be looking out at the sea than a bog any day

CaraMay

And do you have any friends etc back home. You could be back to living with your parents in the middle of nowhere and if you don't like mixing it will be hard to settle back there as well. Why can't you go on your own to see your parents even for a night every second weekend? Your gf doesn't need to go with you. My oh moved to my home town and he made friends with some kids fathers in recent times. Tbh if you don't want to mix then it doesn't matter where you are - with your gf / wife & kids and extended family or at home with your parents.

StupidLikeAFox

dunnowhattodonow wrote: »

She knows I don't like it here but never mentions it. I said it to her 3 weeks ago but she didn't say much. I don't want us to split up, but I don't want to live where she's from, and she won't live where I'm from, and there's no in-between, pointless both of not liking where we live, so I'm at a loss.

She thinks that because my work is very slow the last while that I've too much time to think and that's why I don't like it here.. I have a family too, with aging parents, but that doesn't seem to matter. She suggested that I go home every odd weekend or go down when I'm not working, but there's no fun in that, living out of a suitcase every so often...

I would at least give this a try for a while. There is no right answer here, and this seems like the most achievable compromise, especially if you can go home for 3 or 4 days at a time

LegacyUser

I can go home when I like, that's not an issue, and I can certainly go on my own, I do this all the time, but it's a long drive and I'm living out of a bag. I'm not a great mixer but I have loads of friends there of old. Most people see me as a very confident out-going guy, I am to some extent, but not when I'm around people I don't know.

Maybe it's the whole work thing. It's embarrassing to be asked what do you work at when I never have work.. Anytime I've met people where I live now they ask am I working etc.... It's just embarrassing!

@CaraMay If I did move home, I certainly wouldn't be living with my parents. I'd need my own space. If they knew any of this they'd tell me to cop on and live my own life, so at least I'm not under any pressure from them. "Tbh if you don't want to mix then it doesn't matter where you are - with your gf / wife & kids and extended family or at home with your parents" - not true! My surroundings (ie landscape, beaches, sea, hills etc) make me happier than mixing with people. Where I am now is a bog.

groovyg

Op if you moved back closer to your folks and friends would you have more job opportunities ? Would you be happier? It can't be said you haven't given the the place a chance, you've lived there for two years and you still hate it. If there is going to be no compromise then only option is to split and move to somewhere where you are going to be happy.

LegacyUser

groovyg wrote: »

Op if you moved back closer to your folks and friends would you have more job opportunities ? Would you be happier? It can't be said you haven't given the the place a chance, you've lived there for two years and you still hate it. If there is going to be no compromise then only option is to split and move to somewhere where you are going to be happy.

Hi, thanks for replying.

Job opportunities would be the same really. Maybe a bit better. And I would be happier. The other side of the coin though would be if she did decide to come with me I'd be conscious 24/7 of the fact she's now not happy! I don't want to split with her, we've been together a long time now to throw it all away... I guess I just have to put up and shut up unfortunately! Or save for a helicopter.

CaraMay

Ah I see well it looks like there's no compromise for you and you won't be happy til you move back home. Best of luck to you.

Eimee90

I think you should consider moving somewhere where she can still work in her school, it's near impossible to get teaching posts. You need to compromise.

Minera

You need to tell your girlfriend exactly how you feel and for how long. She is being brutally honest with you she will not go back to dublin. I think she is leaving the ball in your court and the only person who can make you happy is you.
I've been through this before and I've wasted alot of time for both my ex and I. He told me from day 1 he would never move from x. I thought I could learn to love x, I never did so we moved on. Hope this helps op.

LegacyUser

I don't see why you don't go home more often op. I live 2.5 to 3 hours from home and would go home every second or 3rd weekend but sometimes I go home two weekends in a row and always go home bank holidays, take annual leave to go home etc. You say you are not busy at work so going home regularly on a Thursday evening and not back until Monday evening could be possible, could you even go home for a week at a time and get work at home.

I don't get this "I'd be living out of a bag thing". As I said I'm home regularly and never had an issue with bringing a bag home, I have lots of my stuff at home still too and you could do the same so you have clothes in the wardrobe at home etc and not packing a big bag when you go home.

I actually don't mind where I'm living and it's where my gf is from (though despite going out a few years we don't live together). That said I wouldn't like to live here forever but as I've a family farm at home living back home will always be my plan and the farm means it's clear to my gf without really having to say it that I'll have to move back sooner or later to look after the farm.

dixiefly

What you are describing doesnt sound like a viable option for you longer term. I do think that you need to find regular work for your own self esteem and general contentment. Also, you may not dislike the area if you are in it less. You really need to decide whether to pursue your current line of work away from where you are living or somehow get work in the area you live.

groovyg

Op I'm not sure where you are based but surely there are some activity clubs in the local town that you could join if you like the outdoors. One of my friends lives in the Midlands and she took up hiking two years ago, I don't know what club/group she is in but seems to be out doing stuff most weekends, she's either down in the Comeraghs, up in Wicklow, Slieve blooms, or over in the West.

You said you have a bike, are there any cycling clubs or even triathlon clubs in the local town that you could join? Ok the mountains and the sea are not on your doorstep and you have to drive to these places but for a lot of activities most people have to drive to the place in order to do them. If I want to hike up Lug/Djouce in Wicklow I have to drive for an hour to get to the starting point of the hike. I know people who are big into surfing and will drive from Dublin to Lahinch, Sligo , Donegal even Kerry any weekend theres surfing to be done. Your girlfriend won't move and you don't want to split so you need to look at what you can do to improve your situation.

G-Man

So thats the thing are you reaching out to enough people in the community - getting involved in sport or drama or whatever, easily a year and some can go by, expecting things to happen, but if you get involved, that time is well used and you will be more involved. People are pretty much similar all over Ireland and appreciate others getting stuck in and finding their place.

Sun in Capri

OP I am sorry to hear how you feel but the only person who can sort it is you. I have been in a similar situation and lived in the place for 4 years. I found that it was all about my attitude and seeing the glass half empty. You mention a lot that you are not a good mixer, can you work on changing that? Maybe once a week "force" yourself to do something social in the area be it a social drink or visit to a local sports club etc. I appreciate your concern about your parents. I think the idea of going to stay with them for a while is a good one, it would be good for you to have time with your parents, help them out and at the same time it would give you head space to really think things through and make a decision about what you want. Maybe go for a month and set a time frame for coming to a decision.