Sensitive Facebook issue with father.

fussyonion

I never thought I'd have to post in here but I don't know what else to do.

My Dad joined Facebook last year and now he's always on it.
He posts pics of himself and generally chats with his relatives but yesterday I noticed his friends list had jumped from 55 to 160!

I noticed the majority of these new friends are all Asian women and they all state that they're college students.

Browsing through their profiles, they're not posting any dodgy pics or anything, just innocent pics of themselves.

But I noticed today that my Dad (after posting a pic of himself), was chatting to one of these girls under the picture.

She said "You look lovely", to which he replied "So do you. What is the weather like where you are?" and then he said "Send me a pic please."
She replied "No more pics today."

This is for everyone on his friends list to see! It's all underneath a pic he posted of himself.

Then another girl asked him "I like your glasses, buy me some" and he responded "I would buy you anything."

I'm flabbergasted by this whole thing and don't know what to do.
My mother is not on Facebook so she isn't aware of any of this.

My Dad is a bit naive in some ways and I don't know if he's exchanging pictures in private with these girls, but the conversations he's having with them is there for all to see.

I know there a lot of friend requests being sent to older men, mostly from Asian girls looking to friend them, and my gut is telling me it's some kind of scam, but I don't know what type of scam.

My Dad only uses FB on his phone and has no laptop or computer so in that way, Im guessing the security/hacking issue wouldn't be a big problem?

My issue is that he's friended all this girls and is having public conversations, some coming across as seedy, for everyone to see and I'm fuming on behalf of my mother and myself, frankly.

It's embarrassing that he's doing this and I don't know how to approach it.
Do I tell him I've seen these exchanges and tell him to stop or warn him these girls are trying to scam him to frighten him into defriending them?

I'm mortified for my mother because my Dad is friends with a lot of her relatives and they're witnessing this.

What should I do?

beks101

Have a chat in private I'd say.

"Dad, I've noticed something strange about your facebook activity. You're suddenly adding and chatting to loads of Asian women. Why are you doing this? And are you aware that ALL of your other facebook friends can see this, including mum's family?"

Gatling

Sounds like a mature man thinking like a teenager while getting some attention from a lot younger ladies ,
I'd have a quite chat with him about the pitfalls of public stuff on Facebook and explain how he could bring embarrassment on himself and your poor mum .
Could be having a mini midlife crisis too especially if he thinks these ladies may be showing misconstrued interest in him

fussyonion

Thanks for the replies guys.

I'm sitting here fuming and you're dead right, I will have to have a word with him.
The thoughts of it is embarrassing; what daughter wants to have this kind of chat with their father?

But this needs to be nipped in the bud before it gets worse.
I understand he's a grown man and what he does in life is up to him but this debacle is being played out in public and it's just not on.

I just need to think about how to word it without making it awkward for either of us.

freshpopcorn

I think you should warn your dad that these pages can often be fake and are just trying to scam people.
Sometimes I get friend requests from foreign strangers and messages in my other in box. I just ignore all if these.

Taltos

Look - you could tackle it straight on - and embarrass you both or you could be more circumvent.
"Hey dad - Joe rang me - he thinks your facebook has been hacked! or you've been hit by the spam merchants do you want me to have a look at your security settings?"

This way it's not his daughter keeping an eye on him, but more a general, your mates/family have spotted something off and do you need help - ie Cop on...

fussyonion

Taltos wrote: »

Look - you could tackle it straight on - and embarrass you both or you could be more circumvent.
"Hey dad - Joe rang me - he thinks your facebook has been hacked! or you've been hit by the spam merchants do you want me to have a look at your security settings?"

This way it's not his daughter keeping an eye on him, but more a general, your mates/family have spotted something off and do you need help - ie Cop on...

I half considered messaging my Aunt (his sister) who he's friends with on Facebook and getting her to do that but 1) He might not take any heed and 2) He might tell her to mind her own business.

I don't think he would say that to me; I think he might be embarrassed enough by the fact his daughter has said it, it might be enough to stop him.

He's on holidays at the moment and five minutes ago told a girl "I bet you have expensive taste".
I can guarantee you he's sitting opposite my mother, who is blissfully unaware of it all.

And I'm sitting here reading these comments and I'm just so upset that I have to do something.

He doesn't have any friends on Facebook that I could reach out to, only my Aunt, but that might not go the way I'd like.

EDIT: Taltos, I get what you mean..I thought you meant get one of his friends to tell him. I understand now what you actually meant. If I did that, he'd say "No my FB account is fine thanks" and then what would I do?

CaraMay

If it was me I would ring him now and tell him out straight what you and others can see and the impact on your family. I would also tell your mother before someone else does.

syklops

Before you have the worlds most uncomfortable father/daughter conversation with him, let me say this:

I'd say he is 100% ignorant to the fact that these comments are for the world to see. I've an aunt who will regularly try to start a conversation with me in one of my friends comment threads. Like a friend will change their profile picture and I will like it. She sees "Syklops likes a picture", and she comments on the picture asking how my partner and I are when she doesnt even know the friend whose picture I liked.

I reckon if you pointed out to him that comment threads are generally for the world to see he will be mortified before you even mention the asian girls.

Without sitting down to have a 'talk' with him, mentioning it off hand to him sort of "By the way Dad, you know that comment threads and messages on facebook are two different things? All your friends can see your comments, only you can see your messages.

90% of these "girls" probably are not trying to hack his account etc, but instead are probably hoping he will buy them gifts or send them money. I know its upsetting to you and disrespectful to your mother so you can think about having that talk or getting a male friend to have that talk with him at a later date. Right now the urgency is hoping the right words to him will prevent Auntie Mary seeing the comments and informing your mother.

As for the safety and security of the mobile application versus, via the website, its 6 in 1 and half dozen in the other. I do security research on Facebook quite a bit and often the mobile application has as many security issues as the main site, so he is no more protected by using the mobile application.

Maybe comment on his wall something mundane, which he will see, then explain that that comment is visible to all his friends including Auntie Mary in Australia. Then you could say you saw a comment on his wall written by a young asian girl who you didnt recognise and say you were concerned it was spam.

He's on holidays at the moment and five minutes ago told a girl "I bet you have expensive taste".
I can guarantee you he's sitting opposite my mother, who is blissfully unaware of it all.

And I'm sitting here reading these comments and I'm just so upset that I have to do something.

He doesn't have any friends on Facebook that I could reach out to, only my Aunt, but that might not go the way I'd like.

EDIT: Taltos, I get what you mean..I thought you meant get one of his friends to tell him. I understand now what you actually meant. If I did that, he'd say "No my FB account is fine thanks" and then what would I do?

Just saw this now. How about you simply comment under neath his latest comment asking "Dad, how do you know this girl?". The penny might finally drop that instead of being secretive, he is broadcasting his comments to the world. If not, he might ask you how you saw it, and you can fill him into the fact comments and messages are different.

fussyonion

CaraMay wrote: »

If it was me I would ring him now and tell him out straight what you and others can see and the impact on your family. I would also tell your mother before someone else does.

I don't really want to phone him on holidays plus the last thing I want is for my mother to find out.
She's a gentle soul who would only be embarrassed to find out about this.

She wouldn't be one of these women who would go berserk at him or throw him out; she would be so upset but she'd keep it to herself.
She would be very hurt and mortified so I really want to keep her out of it all.

Nobody on FB would tell her; they wouldn't "poke their noses" into other people's relationships.
I know, deep down, I'm the only one he will listen to.
It's just not a chat I want to have.

CaraMay

No one would want to have that chat but it's going to continue if you don't. I don't envy you

fussyonion

syklops wrote: »

Before you have the worlds most uncomfortable father/daughter conversation with him, let me say this:

I'd say he is 100% ignorant to the fact that these comments are for the world to see. I've an aunt who will regularly try to start a conversation with me in one of my friends comment threads. Like a friend will change their profile picture and I will like it. She sees "Syklops likes a picture", and she comments on the picture asking how my partner and I are when she doesnt even know the friend whose picture I liked.

I reckon if you pointed out to him that comment threads are generally for the world to see he will be mortified before you even mention the asian girls.

Without sitting down to have a 'talk' with him, mentioning it off hand to him sort of "By the way Dad, you know that comment threads and messages on facebook are two different things? All your friends can see your comments, only you can see your messages.

90% of these "girls" probably are not trying to hack his account etc, but instead are probably hoping he will buy them gifts or send them money. I know its upsetting to you and disrespectful to your mother so you can think about having that talk or getting a male friend to have that talk with him at a later date. Right now the urgency is hoping the right words to him will prevent Auntie Mary seeing the comments and informing your mother.

As for the safety and security of the mobile application versus, via the website, its 6 in 1 and half dozen in the other. I do security research on Facebook quite a bit and often the mobile application has as many security issues as the main site, so he is no more protected by using the mobile application.

Maybe comment on his wall something mundane, which he will see, then explain that that comment is visible to all his friends including Auntie Mary in Australia. Then you could say you saw a comment on his wall written by a young asian girl who you didnt recognise and say you were concerned it was spam.

You're dead right, skylops. I can guarantee you he has no idea his comments are visible to everyone on his list.
He's naive about FB and how it works but he's not that stupid to KNOW how it works and STILL comment publicly.

If I said "I saw a comment on your FB written by an Asian girl I don't recognise", he would say "Oh she's a friend."
So you see, there isn't a clever way around this without coming out straight with it.

If I beat around the bush and said "I don't know half these women", he'd say "I do." and that would be the end of it.

He would have a clever reply for everything but if I came out with it bluntly and told him I've seen the conversations and his sudden surge of FB friends, he would probably do something.

The bit about these women wanting gifts and money is worrying too as my Dad has loaned money to friends in real life before and is a bit too kind for his own good.

Plus he has quite a bit of savings and my worry is that he'd fall for a scam.

Thanks everyone for your advice, it's all helping and I'll read any more words of advice should they come; the more help I have the better.

syklops

fussyonion wrote: »

You're dead right, skylops. I can guarantee you he has no idea his comments are visible to everyone on his list.
He's naive about FB and how it works but he's not that stupid to KNOW how it works and STILL comment publicly.

If I said "I saw a comment on your FB written by an Asian girl I don't recognise", he would say "Oh she's a friend."
So you see, there isn't a clever way around this without coming out straight with it.

If I beat around the bush and said "I don't know half these women", he'd say "I do." and that would be the end of it.

He would have a clever reply for everything but if I came out with it bluntly and told him I've seen the conversations and his sudden surge of FB friends, he would probably do something.

The bit about these women wanting gifts and money is worrying too as my Dad has loaned money to friends in real life before and is a bit too kind for his own good.

Plus he has quite a bit of savings and my worry is that he'd fall for a scam.

Thanks everyone for your advice, it's all helping and I'll read any more words of advice should they come; the more help I have the better.

See my follow up comment:

Just saw this now. How about you simply comment under neath his latest comment asking "Dad, how do you know this girl?". The penny might finally drop that instead of being secretive, he is broadcasting his comments to the world. If not, he might ask you how you saw it, and you can fill him into the fact comments and messages are different.

Him having an answer for everything is one thing, but we need to figure out a way for him to realise his comments are public. Once that penny drops, I am sure he will be mortified and stop straight-away.

LegacyUser

Honestly I would just reply to the comments thread on facebook and go "Hey Dad FYI everyone can read/see these comments" He's either aware and he'll delete and stop and you'll just opt not to bring the subject up in person ever or he'll talk to you next time he sees you as he doesn't understand how FB works.

StripedBoxers

I don't envy you OP and I wish you good luck with it all. I hope it works out okay for all involved.

One thing I would say is: if you confront him on it, and he stops commenting publicly, would he continue to message them privately?

fussyonion

StripedBoxers wrote: »

I don't envy you OP and I wish you good luck with it all. I hope it works out okay for all involved.

One thing I would say is: if you confront him on it, and he stops commenting publicly, would he continue to message them privately?

No, I think he is a naive person when it comes to Facebook and if I told him these women were after something, I do think that would frighten him to unfriending them.

I think, because FB is quite new to him and he's not tech savvy like most of us, this would be his lesson learned so he would know in future to avoid accepting requests from these women.

syklops

StripedBoxers wrote: »

One thing I would say is: if you confront him on it, and he stops commenting publicly, would he continue to message them privately?

To be honest, its two seperate issues. One is him talking to inappropriately younger women, and the other ,the fact he's doing it in such a way that anyone can see. I'd say, fix the second issue first as that is damaging to his reputation right this minute. The first issue is worthy of a whole new thread.

fussyonion

syklops wrote: »

To be honest, its two seperate issues. One is him talking to inappropriately younger women, and the other ,the fact he's doing it in such a way that anyone can see. I'd say, fix the second issue first as that is damaging to his reputation right this minute. The first issue is worthy of a whole new thread.

You're dead right. If he was doing this in private there's nothing I could do. I would never be aware of it. But he is doing this publicly so its embarrassing his family, not to mention himself.

StanleyOllie

I think you need to nip this in the bud. Your Dad is flattered... etc. You are keeping an eye on whats been written. Some girl might say a bit to much and he could respond in a way that you or others may not want to see. Its a difficult one. Words will come to you when you make the call and you will be relieved that you dont have to keep watching this play out. Call him soon.

LegacyUser

Not an easy conversation to have, I feel for you fussyonion!

But, you have to have it.

He's a grown man, and knows full well he's chatting inappropriately. All for the world to see. Treating him with kid gloves is not going to sort this out.

LegacyUser

fussyonion wrote: »

You're dead right. If he was doing this in private there's nothing I could do. I would never be aware of it. But he is doing this publicly so its embarrassing his family, not to mention himself.

He's a grown man. Treating him with kid gloves won't help.

strandroad

I would do it quickly and text him "Dad what's with that 50 Asian girls you suddenly know on Facebook. Do you realise that your comments are public?".

Taltos

Or reply to the most recent.

Hey Dad, hope Mum knows you have all this money, she's got expensive taste too

Call me Al

mhge wrote: »

I would do it quickly and text him "Dad what's with that 50 Asian girls you suddenly know on Facebook. Do you realise that your comments are public?".

This, and just add "And they're usually out to scam people".

fussyonion

Right I messaged him on Facebook and basically warned him that these Asian women he's friends with are scammers and that I could see his comments and so could our family.

He replied by saying he was absolutely mortified and that he just accepted all friend requests and didn't realise his comments were visible.

He also said he would never cheat on my mother (I never accused him of it in the message) and I re-iterated that I felt he was being taken advantage of.

I also told him I was embarrassed.
He said he was (again) "bloody embarrassed" and "no more, that's it, I promise, I didn't understand."

Im glad I did it now. Whether he carries on messaging them privately..well I can't control that but I do think he will unfriend these girls now.

Thank you ALL so much for your advice; I feel so much more at ease now.

NiallBoo

Well done, it was brave to have that conversation but very necessary.

I suggest that you do some research on online scams and send on info to him

The people he's talking to likely aren't the ones in the pictures. It's a business venture for whoever's doing it and they're just showing him what they think he wants to see - probably some guys sitting in a basement sending photos they stole off Facebook.

Addle

Fair play to you.

Tell him to just forget about it now.
Don't let him compound the embarrassment by making a public apology on fb or anything else like that.

fussyonion

Addle wrote: »

Fair play to you.

Tell him to just forget about it now.
Don't let him compound the embarrassment by making a public apology on fb or anything else like that.

I told him not to be embarrassed and I swiftly changed the subject by telling him it was cold here and to bring back some Spanish sun. Im glad, also, that we sorted it now so it'll save me bringing it up on his return.

Shrap

fussyonion wrote: »

I told him not to be embarrassed and I swiftly changed the subject by telling him it was cold here and to bring back some Spanish sun. Im glad, also, that we sorted it now so it'll save me bringing it up on his return.

Well done you. Only read this thread now and glad you've already worked it out with him. One thing I do think you might be as well off talking to him about is his facebook settings . I imagine that the "friend requests" won't actually stop and he'll continue to be a bit moithered by them unless he changes his settings to "only friends of friends" can friend request him (but you could maybe just message him with instructions on how to do that).

intheclouds

Shrap wrote: »

Well done you. Only read this thread now and glad you've already worked it out with him. One thing I do think you might be as well off talking to him about is his facebook settings . I imagine that the "friend requests" won't actually stop and he'll continue to be a bit moithered by them unless he changes his settings to "only friends of friends" can friend request him (but you could maybe just message him with instructions on how to do that).

I dont think changing settings is the answer, what is someone genuine who isnt a friend of a friend wants to get in touch? Plus the Asian girls will all be friends of friends to him as well.

Just tell him not to be accepting friends requests unless he knows the people personally, IN REAL LIFE.

I knew when I read this thread that he didnt realise his comments were public and to be fair he wasnt saying anything terrible (it could have been a LOT worse!), but I think you tackled it very well OP.

Maybe do show him how to unfriend people on FB, whats public, what isnt, and give him a bit of a talk on internet savvy also.

pookie82

I've just read all the way through this and I'm delighted to see you dealt with it really well. I don't know how you even held off for so long - the first comment I saw would have had me ringing him to delete everything! There's nothing like the panic when you realise something is publicly visible that's not suitable for numerous eyes. Hopefully he's been sufficiently mortified into stopping the nonsense and deleting these girls.

I honestly think FB should come with some kind of disclaimer for the older generation. Most of them really don't know what they're getting into or the public nature of what they write when they're on it. As someone above mentioned, I have aunts/older relatives who try to start up a personal conversation under random photos and it's pretty clear they don't get that everyone can see these.

I wouldn't go down the route of commenting yourself on any of these exchanges - that'll make the status and its comments pop up in the newsfeed of your own friends and lead to further embarrassment.

I know you want to draw a line under this once and for all but a quick chat about how FB works, and about the scams that are out there, might do no harm when your dad gets back. You could bring it up casually some day, just say "jesus I'm sick of these friend request from randomers in Brazil I've never met, do they honestly think I'm going to add them and converse with them? All they want is money" or something to that effect. I've had to have the same kind of chats with my parents about scams involving emails and texts about your bank account etc., they're just so naive when they weren't raised with our technology.

bof

pookie82 wrote: »

<snip>

I honestly think FB should come with some kind of disclaimer for the older generation. Most of them really don't know what they're getting into or the public nature of what they write when they're on it.

This entire thread is ageist and completely patronizing older people

pgj2015

bof wrote: »

This entire thread is ageist and completely patronizing older people

in fairness older people should not be on facebook, they should use email if they need to communicate online, I just cringe when I hear of people being friends with their parents/aunts etc.

Taltos

Mod note
And with the last two posts we are closing this thread.
bof & pgj - PI/RI has a strict charter - attempt to derail a thread in this manner again here and you'll be carded at a minimum.
Our guiding principle is - only post if you have constructive advice to offer in a civil manner. This is not a debate or discussion forum - strictly advice.