Anger issues etc (no help available)

sryanbruen

It is getting very hard for myself to keep my anger under control with so much things I hate from exercising (other than swimming) 'cause I'm very obese (don't look obese though...) to exams in school etc and I do not have any help whatsoever from doctors or anything. In 2013 when I was going into secondary school, I was kicked out of the Mater CAMHS because I was "too old" for it and I was supposed to be then part of Beechpark Services but they did not take me in because I was already part of the Mater CAMHS? I have ASD by the way which does not help the situation :mad:. Since then, I have had a lot of problems and issues not being sorted (because I can't solve them by myself as I have tried to!).

When I'm angry though, what I am really doing is crying in deep depression. I am the kind of person who gets depressed very easily but does not show it often - because it makes me look like a big baby and I remember when I was a young kid I was bullied by bullies calling me this because I was actually crying. I still can't get over the fact that my nanny died in 2012 as she was very important to me and was the only one who could really put a smile on my face. No matter what my mother buys me or anything, my nanny is still the best gift I could have ever been given as she was just too nice. Me and her did everything together. I even spent most of my time with her. So as you can see, I have some very big issues of anger and depression.

sryanbruen

To add to the exams in school story: Yeah I get very (not even) stressed from exams even little class ones and I always end up saying after them, uh... I could of done better. I spend more than half my time studying crap for exams (even if they're months away).

sullivlo

Could you ask your GP for a referral to the community psych team?

sryanbruen

sullivlo wrote: »

Could you ask your GP for a referral to the community psych team?

Already did. Nothing successful. We have done literally everything we could. I am just going to have to live a life of depression and anger.

Musefan

Call into a Jigsaw site if you are close, or perhaps take an online program with Aware. If you're in third level, use the college counselling services.

sryanbruen

Musefan wrote: »

Call into a Jigsaw site if you are close, or perhaps take an online program with Aware. If you're in third level, use the college counselling services.

I'm in third year in secondary

Musefan

Check if your school has a counselling service, and if not, drop into a Jigsaw centre and get some guidance for yourself .

Third year is tough. It's the first big state exam and I can understand why things might be stressful. When were stressed, it's harder to control our anger or annoyance. You're a young person, and being a young person means going through lots of changes and challenges. It's okay to feel angry! We need emotions. You're learning how to manage your anger for the first time is all. Have a think about what helps when you're angry and jot your ideas down. Just remember, they call adolescence a time of "storm and strife" because you're starting to become your own individual person away from your parents. It's tough sometimes. Your granny sounded really important to you and I'm glad you have the memories of her. It's normal to miss people in a big way, but missing them means they brought something really valuable to your life, and you still have all your shared memories with her, everything she taught you and memories of how she made you feel. Use those memories and talk to yourself in the kind way she might have spoken to you. You're probably managing all this really well- be kind to yourself!

Musefan

Also, maybe get a guardian to give CAMHS a call and see what they advise for you! They might not be able to see you (I know you understand that they have pretty strict age limits) but just let them know that their referral didn't work out and you need a bit of help figuring out what's next! Finding your way through all these services is tough, I'm sorry that you had that experience!

sryanbruen

Thank you very much Musefan. My school does have a counselling service - open to TYs though who have a career guidance class in all per week. <Mod Snip> - due to my depression. Exams may give me great stress (which I think helps give me water retention - I have great fluctuations in my weight which also make me angry) but I always manage to get an honour no matter what. However, again like I said, I end up saying "uhhh I could of done better" and not proud of myself at all. It also angers me that because I'm a teenager, I can't do any of interests - it involves professional jobs (i.e. jobs you need to be qualified for) such as meteorologist or teacher (I work for myself on both of these and I haven't earned any money but I have helped many people and students (you can see on studyclix.ie in the discuss forum). I have earned me self some easy money though of selling my music on iTunes since last July. I have earned 305 euro since then doing this. But the point about the professional jobs is that I like doing them! I don't even care about the money or salaries etc. I even help my friends / classmates in my class with nearly every one of their subjects (don't forget studyclix!) and they say that I make everything easier for them - not myself because I get easily stressed and very angry or depressed. I really wish I could get a job during this Summer coming as I tried to get one last Summer but I failed miserably. It would be good for my work experience in TY next year also! But even then I don't know what I would do for it. My interests other than teaching and forecasting weather include writing songs (which I have written more than 12 about my nanny), writing poems (3 poems about my nanny!), writing short stories, working on my sitcom Celebrity Life, mastering and editing songs for my artists in my record label Sryan Records. Other than doing these things, I do absolutely nothing other than study for school! Apart from swimming which I adore but sadly because of Ireland's climate I cannot do it everyday!, I find exercising no fun especially walking. If I could be swimming everyday I would do it! Even during my Summer holidays off school, I do nothing (except Songschool camp and trips out with my youth club). As you can see, I have plenty of problems to contend with.

Keane2baMused

Op my heart goes out to you.

As a mum to a little boy with autism I know that depression and anxiety are very common for those with asd. But that doesn't mean you have to put up with it.

I know how awful the services are for teenagers and young adults but please don't give up. Go to your gp and they will (hopefully) do their best to get you under a service.

Counselling/ Cognitive behavioural therapy could be very helpful for you if you can access it.

Rubberchikken

op
i'm sorry to read that you're going through such a tough time. i didn't realise you were so young until further down your post. you sound like a very smart person who's capable of so much.

can your parent/s talk to someone for you? you can't and shouldn't be dealing with this without proper support.

i'm sorry you lost your nan, it's very difficult to lose the person who really 'gets' you.

take care

sryanbruen

Thanks a lot everyone. Yes it's been exceptionally hard to work out these problems by myself and my anger has been toning down (if you know what I mean) lately especially since 2013 (the worst year ever for my outbursts / tempers). To make matters worse, I have a little brother (10 years of age) who has ADHD and SEVERE!! EBD and other behavioural disorders I can't think of right now. I know he is just a kid but he is a horror to me. He calls me every name under the sun from fa**** to c*** to b******. I also have a baby sister (born in 2015) who I am going to be the godfather of (christening is March 5th). My brother annoys her also and she cries a lot around him (this shows that he is a horrible person....). He plays video games often and that's it. He is NOTHING LIKE ME. I'm the creative sorts from like I said, writing songs to poems to short stories etc. He has severe trouble with Maths and most other subjects - however, I know that he is good at these subjects! The only reason which makes him look like he has severe trouble with these things are his laziness and ignorant attention (he doesn't pay attention at all (thus ADHD!). When he asks me to do his homework, he asks me to give him the answers just so he can play his video games etc. He asks me specially because I am the "smart one" or "nerd" of the household. However, I do not give him just answers, I teach him how to do this stuff on his own like if it were Maths, I'd show him easy tricks to getting answers very easily and quickly. Again though, he does not pay even one bit of attention to everything I say (or anybody for that matter...). You call him, he ignores you for quite some time then eventually answers because you're annoying him for frequently asking. He slags my nanny at times and when he does that, I feel like killing him! Recently, he also went for a knife and threatened to kill me with it because of a tantrum outburst. The outburst was because I was having a go of the vibration plates and I wouldn't let him - because he was told to get dressed and out of his school uniform - thus I am trying to support my mother and get him to do what he is told. He nearly got me with the knife until my father came in and stopped him. My mother is mental in the brain (she hardly knows any knowledge like smart stuff or anything I do such as creativity) but I still love her at the end of the day. My father can be very annoying and he thinks he is funny when he is not - I can't take jokes either. He really gets on my nerves sometimes such as when he told me to go asleep early and there was no intention for him to do that whatsoever. It was a weekday night and even if I went asleep at 6 o'clock in the morning, I would still get up for school - my mother just calls me and I get straight up without delay - though I HATE SCHOOL. My cousin who is the daughter of my godmother or auntie lives with us also and she is insane - kind of like the twin sister to my brother really. She asks very strange questions and they get on my nerves too. She used to interrupt me all the time when I was recording even if I have a do not disturb sign on my door. She is older than me and I feel more responsible than her. I ask her a question then she goes on her phone and then I ask her again, she goes on her phone and says what.. then I tell her what I want to say then she says what again!! Making me repeat is the second worst thing that could make me angry.

I love my baby sister though because she is adorable and I think of that my nanny sent her to us! This can be seen in this song I wrote about them two:

Time goes by
Every shot in the dark
Every dream must die
But I
Kept holding on
'Til the break of dawn

I knew you would come, oh baby
I prayed every night that maybe
My dream would come true
And yes it did
My life is full of passion
And the empty void in my heart
Has been filled
All because of you

Time goes by............
But as long as you are by my side
Life will be worth-while
Every morning you will see me with a smile
It'll be all because of you
Yeah it's true.........

You light up my world
I never knew a time
So full of promise
Good luck simply falling off the trees
Every day
Gets a little better
I hear you calling

I knew you would come, oh baby
I prayed every night that maybe
My dream would come true
And yes it did
My life is full of passion
And the empty void in my heart
Has been filled
All because of you

Time goes by............
But as long as you are by my side
Life will be worth-while
Every morning you will see me with a smile
It'll be all because of you
Yeah it's true.........

When I was young I used to go
To my room to listen to the radio
In those long gone days of times gone by
The songs that I heard made me laugh or cry
Night after night I lay alone
Caught the words through my headphones
Songs of joy and songs of pain
Songs to make me love again
And now that I am older and settled down
I play the old songs as I drive around
The songs that we used to sing
By the bus stop and in the rain
The times that I spent with you
Will always stay fresh and new
You will always live in me nanny
But time goes by and we need to move on
Thank god they sent another
So now my life will be recovered
Thanks to you....
Thanks to you....
Thanks to you....

Time goes by............
But as long as you are by my side
Life will be worth-while
Every morning you will see me with a smile
It'll be all because of you
Yeah it's true.........
And I wouldn't want it any other way


My favourite poem by me is 'Rain Over Me' - it emphasises how depressed I am since August 26, 2012 (the day everything changed for me in my life)

Happiness is a treasure, to me these days
Every day passing by, is worthless since that August
Life is callous, like a stormy day
Suicidal thoughts were blank, when it was all flawless

Many promises and my heart, have been shattered
Malicious mankind, in such a big world
Been through disasters, like walking under a ladder
But this time, it's way much worse

Tears are words, the heart can't say
I get lost, inside my mind
But sometimes, you gotta pretend everything is okay
Even though there is no good in goodbye

As you can see, it is very awkward to be the one of "knowledge" in the household (not by any means am I being "egoistic" or anything). I want to perform things such as my music / songs I wrote in school but my school doesn't take music seriously and you all get to play is the Recorder. I'm not even allowed to play the Piano for my practical Music exam (I have played the Piano since 2012....). I find it so unfair. In 2013 by the way, I put up videos of me singing and I regret doing so since then. Because on the videos, especially of Talk Dirty (reason why so many people know me even in foreign countries) I posted, many people even adults abused me saying stuff like "a cat sings better than you" or "you're a horrible singer, give it up you ****in' retard" etc. Since then I have given up on singing - but singing makes me happy and another reason why to be depressed ^.

Taltos

Mod Note
Hi OP

I am very sorry to do this but where suicide is mentioned Boards and PI specifically has a very clear and consistent process.
As a result all we can do is close this thread and encourage you to seek immediate professional help as no-one here is qualified to help you and instead despite our best efforts run the very real risk of pushing you in the wrong direction.

Please also have a look at this thread - it lists multiple resources - hopefully one of these can provide the assistance we cannot but please do go see your GP and demand the help you need.
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057178293

If you ever feel you are in imminent danger though present yourself immediately at your closest emergency department...