Tried to do something positive ended up worse

via4

Hi guys sorry if I am sounding like a pity party but when I feel down I have nowhere else to go but boards! So here goes....

Last year I joined a gym to try and feel better about myself and make new friends and hopefully meet a nice guy. I seen a guy I was really attracted to and tried to talk to him but got rejected which is fair enough thats life. The girl I got friendly with at the gym all the lads went for her cos obviously guys are always gunna go for looks which I totally understand that is life as well. It was obvious the guy I liked was into my friend the usual liking her pics on fb etc.
Valentines day I was feeling like a piece of **** but I got up and went to the gym. My friend told me on valentines of all days that people were trying to set her up with him and she said it was months ago that that happened. Like looking on fb hes the type of guy that likes every good looking girls photos and is extremely superficial but I havnt felt like the ugly friend since my teenage years when all my friends would get asked to debs had boyfriends etc. and I was always the odd one out. She has no interest in him anyway so I suppose its irrelevant. I used to be a confident person but its like I am going backwards and getting more self conscious like the way I was when I was a teenager. My brothers wedding is coming up and I am gunna be the single loser with family members saying aw have ya no love life yet bla bla bla. A guy asked me out a few months ago but it turned out he only wanted one thing. I didnt get too down about it but just feel like the universe is telling me I am the ugly not good enough worthless person that no one wants to know. I have my happy mask on the last few months but inside I am sinking. Im in work now on the verge of tears. I think I will just go home soon. I also seen a few different people at the gym sneering and laughing at me. I know your prob thinking aw your just being paranoid etc. but it happened a few times with the same groups of people. I went down trying to do something positive because the first piece of advice people give when you have no friends and are lonely is "get out and meet people" so that was what I tried to do. I tried for a full year trying to get to know these people but to no avail. I left that gym and signed up to a new one but havnt built up the courage to go yet. When I do go in though I wont go in with the mindset of meeting new people I will just go in do my workout and go. My emotions are going from angry to sad by the minute though I am better at doing the emotionless robot life now I used to cry a lot more and sometimes break glasses in the kitchen through frustration but feel like now I am coping a little better.

SAMTALK

via4 wrote: »

Valentines day I was feeling like a piece of **** but I got up and went to the gym. My friend told me on valentines of all days that people were trying to set her up with him and she said it was months ago that that happened. Like looking on fb hes the type of guy that likes every good looking girls photos and is extremely superficial My brothers wedding is coming up and I am gunna be the single loser with family members saying aw have ya no love life yet bla bla bla. A guy asked me out a few months ago but it turned out he only wanted one thing. I didnt get too down about it but just feel like the universe is telling me I am the ugly not good enough worthless person that no one wants to know. I have my happy mask on the last few months but inside I am sinking. Im in work now on the verge of tears. I think I will just go home soon. I also seen a few different people at the gym sneering and laughing at me. I know your prob thinking aw your just being paranoid etc. but it happened a few times with the same groups of people. I went down trying to do something positive because the first piece of advice people give when you have no friends and are lonely is "get out and meet people" so that was what I tried to do. I tried for a full year trying to get to know these people but to no avail. I left that gym and signed up to a new one but havnt built up the courage to go yet. When I do go in though I wont go in with the mindset of meeting new people I will just go in do my workout and go. My emotions are going from angry to sad by the minute though I am better at doing the emotionless robot life now I used to cry a lot more and sometimes break glasses in the kitchen through frustration but feel like now I am coping a little better.

OP that is such a sad post.
To be honest I wouldnt worry too much about Gym Guy as he sounds like he rates looks above all else . Not everyone you fancy will fancy you but thats just life and not personal.

Could you maybe join a different club or organisation as you dont seem to feel very comfortable in the gym?

I wouldnt worry too much about these people sneering and laughing at you as those kinds of people arent worth knowing TBH. They're not the kind of people id like to be friends with

Every single person will relate to going to a wedding on you own and having to listen to comments about your love life but thats human nature. We have all heard that.

You sound like a really nice person who seems to think that looks are everything but remember looks fade but personality stays the same.

Good luck

via4

Thank you for the reply I don't think looks are everything as a person I always look past looks if someone is a good person that is so much more I think The guy that asked me out I was not attracted to but I gave him a chance because I feel that looks should not matter but unfortunately he just wanted one thing. Oh yes my membership was up in the gym on Sunday and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted as at the end I was dreading going down and coming out feeling like **** but there was the small part of me that was being defiant in going down those last few weeks thinking why should I let these horrible people stop me from doing my exercise and wasting my money by paying and not going I signed up to another gym already its just getting that little push to walk in the door again. The wedding is causing me anxiety already and my dad verbally attacks me when my anxiety comes on which is when I need to remove myself from the situation. I will go to the church part then pretend to be sick then leave I don't have the inner strength to be fake happy the whole day I will be sitting on my own like a dick and if I break down I will be called selfish so I am just going to avoid the whole scenario Thank you

SAMTALK

via4 wrote: »

Thank you for the reply I don't think looks are everything as a person I always look past looks if someone is a good person that is so much more I think The guy that asked me out I was not attracted to but I gave him a chance because I feel that looks should not matter but unfortunately he just wanted one thing. Oh yes my membership was up in the gym on Sunday and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted as at the end I was dreading going down and coming out feeling like **** but there was the small part of me that was being defiant in going down those last few weeks thinking why should I let these horrible people stop me from doing my exercise and wasting my money by paying and not going I signed up to another gym already its just getting that little push to walk in the door again. The wedding is causing me anxiety already and my dad verbally attacks me when my anxiety comes on which is when I need to remove myself from the situation. I will go to the church part then pretend to be sick then leave I don't have the inner strength to be fake happy the whole day I will be sitting on my own like a dick and if I break down I will be called selfish so I am just going to avoid the whole scenario Thank you

That is so sad OP. You need support not this kind of reaction.
As for the wedding, Surely there will be somebody you could join . From my experience days like this usually end up in groups anyway so the couple thing isnt really an issue and maybe there will be someone else there in the same position as you and could use the company.

via4

Maybe so you are right I will play it by ear that day and if I feel its too much I will leave hopefully someone will be nice to me that day and I can try and have a good time

SAMTALK

via4 wrote: »

Maybe so you are right I will play it by ear that day and if I feel its too much I will leave hopefully someone will be nice to me that day and I can try and have a good time

Hope all goes ok for you and remember most people are nice and would welcome you into their company.
Enjoy

intheclouds

Gyms arent really good places to meet people. Most people go to work out and get out. I dont even make eye contact in the gym.

Theyre not good places to feel good about how you look either, there are always super fit gorgeous people swanning about while I am there overweight and sweaty - its not my best look by a long shot!!

Anyway, gyms aside, I am sure your looks are grand. Life isnt about good looks (thank god because most people are quite ordinary looking!), but it is important to groom yourself to the best standard you can because when you look your best you feel your best.

Personally I prefer going to wedding alone (and Ive gone to LOADS of them single) as you are dressed your best, looking great and what better an opportunity to meet someone nice? Plus you dont have to "mind" someone. Everyone is there feeling sociable so all you need is a smile and a cheery disposition and you will no doubt become engaged in great chats and dance floor fun. And - if its rubbish you can leave - nothing stopping you!

I think it would be a good idea for you to talk to your GP about your anxiety and see can you get some help for it, its a terrible scourge (ive suffered from it myself) and there is no need to suffer if there is help there.

Write down 2 positive things about yourself every day for the next week and at the end of the week read the list and be proud of the good things about yourself or good deeds that you have done.

LegacyUser

To be frank, you're a long way from getting anything out of the gym, which is a poor choice on which to base your efforts at a social life anyway, because you need to address your anxiety and self-esteem issues. Your general emotional health seems poor and focussing on a wedding or the gym is the wrong perspective for you at the moment. You appear to have no insight on those things and you are unlikely to develop a social life or healthy relationships until you develop some. I would suggest you find a good counsellor for yourself and go back to the root of your issues before you do anything else.

jimgoose

You're not ugly, OP. I'd nearly bet a day's pay you're quite cute and you're a nice, sensitive, intelligent person who could do with meeting some nice, sensitive intelligent people. If I may be so bold, it occurs to me that the probability of running into a bunch of superficial, narcissistic arseholes at a gymnasium is going to be considerable higher than at other possible venues.

SAMTALK

jimgoose wrote: »

You're not ugly, OP. I'd nearly bet a day's pay you're quite cute and you're a nice, sensitive, intelligent person who could do with meeting some nice, sensitive intelligent people. If I may be so bold, it occurs to me that the probability of running into a bunch of superficial, narcissistic arseholes at a gymnasium is going to be considerable higher than at other possible venues. :D

So eloquently put jimgoose
That is basically what I was trying to say but I bow to your superior knowledge of the English Language

LCD

As an alternative would you consider joining a running or cycling club? When you are out with a group running/cycling it is a lot more social as you chat to people. Also most run groups go for a coffee afterwards, while cycling groups typically stop for a coffee after the half way mark. In gyms people just tend to do their own thing typically.

I have had personnel experience of both, seeing how they have opened up friendships and social lives for a number of people.

via4

Thank you guys for your replies it's a nice comfort to know that people are kind enough to show someone that feels down a little support. Yes jimgoose I got this impression that these people seem really insecure maybe they felt a little threatened by a new person coming in but it's a public gym after all. Now I know not to go back there and at least I tried. Intheclouds thanks for your advice my gp is Awful i fought hard for years to get cbt therapy or some sort of help and she refused to refer me on the basis that I wasn't in the nervous breakdown stage. But why let it get to that point I clearly needed and begged for the help for so many years. In the end I rang the doctors bawling begging for some sort of help and it was the receptionist that made the other doctor sign a referral letter so I could access the mental health services. I was really grateful for that. I've been waiting on an appointment to start cbt for nearly six months it is a rAy of hope that this will hopefully help I'm willing to try yes lcd I think you are right that a club setting is more social definitely I was looking into a surfing club it's just getting the courage to try again hopefully there is some nice people out there

intheclouds

Definitely change your GP - thats appalling. Report the GP to the medical council as well.

via4

Ever since that happened she turns her head if she sees me in town and tries to avoid me but I just say hello anyway and you can see her squirming. But there was no arguing or confrontation or anything like that so its just a bit weird but that's just the way she is probably.

cloudatlas

I think most gyms aren't great for socialising unless it is a crossfit type of gym.

That sounds like a horrible gym by the way and that guy is as our American cousins would say a 'douche'.

As an above poster said we all get harassed at weddings, my uncle takes a perverse joy out of making light of my lack of love life.

Join some meetup groups, go in trying to make friends and if something else happens then great but ultimately you need to work on yourself and feeling good about you and your life so I hope you get the cbt therapy. You were right to leave that gym.

gercoral

via4 wrote: »

Thank you for the reply I don't think looks are everything as a person I always look past looks if someone is a good person that is so much more I think The guy that asked me out I was not attracted to but I gave him a chance because I feel that looks should not matter but unfortunately he just wanted one thing. Oh yes my membership was up in the gym on Sunday and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted as at the end I was dreading going down and coming out feeling like **** but there was the small part of me that was being defiant in going down those last few weeks thinking why should I let these horrible people stop me from doing my exercise and wasting my money by paying and not going I signed up to another gym already its just getting that little push to walk in the door again. The wedding is causing me anxiety already and my dad verbally attacks me when my anxiety comes on which is when I need to remove myself from the situation. I will go to the church part then pretend to be sick then leave I don't have the inner strength to be fake happy the whole day I will be sitting on my own like a dick and if I break down I will be called selfish so I am just going to avoid the whole scenario Thank you

Pff don't worry about the wedding! Are you bringing a plus one? I don't have a boyfriend and attended one of my friends weddings last year with one of my girl - friends. It was l;ovely!! we never get to see each other so it was lovely to dress up to the nines for the day and hang out!

gercoral

also, i recently signed up to meetup.com as i keep hearing things about it so that could be another outlet to meet like-minded people with similar interests and no pressure

via4

Oh no I wont be getting a plus one shes already complaining about the €100 a plate per person so with me shes thinking well at least that is only one €100 quid there. When I said a met someone when I did that time her face just changed to utter disgust I could tell the little cogs were turning in her head. But that didn't work out so I suppose she will be happy about that Il just go and suck it up and when the usual culprits pick on me Il leave

RhubarbCrumble

Hi OP,

Re counselling issues etc, while you're waiting to get sorted you might try giving the life skills course with AWARE a go. I'm doing it at the moment and finding it quite enjoyable. It's CBT based ideas and a lot of it is about raising your self esteem and focusing on turning negative into positive. It's a 6 week course and I think it starts again around easter as I'm halfway through mine at the moment. It's €20 so not too bad. I think if you're unemployed or receiving illness benefit etc that there's no charge. If you have a look at AWARE's website there should be more details on there. They run in a good few places around the country.

Now re they gym. They can be the strangest of places when it comes to meeting/making friends with people. The gym I go to is about 95% male dominated (I'm female) and while the majority of the guys are lovely and I have 2 or 3 close friends there that I'd meet regularly, without a shadow of a doubt there are also a number of 'gym creeps' there, the guys who know they're good looking and have a good body and will try it on with everyone, but at the end of the day they love themselves way too much to have a proper relationship with anyone else. That's exactly what the guy you mentioned sounds like. You just had a bad experience that's all. It wasn't your fault and you certainly didn't do anything wrong so don't blame yourself for it.

via4

Thank you rhubarb crumble. Oh yes I did that aware course two years ago I really really enjoyed it and found it very helpful I kept all the wee notebooks they give you hope your enjoying your course yes to be honest that guy from looking at his fb posts he seems to have a lot of issues I deleted him after he said something about people who go out clubbing are just pretending to be happy. My clubbing years were the happiest times of my life and I loved every second it's like he hates people having interests other than living in the gym 24/7. oh well il know the next time

looksee

OP you are right to look for some help, but I agree with the others about the gym, you should go to the gym for the purpose of exercise not looking for a partner, if someone happens to turn up, that's great, be friendly, not looking for a date.

You said in one post that you would go to the wedding and hope someone would be nice to you. Maybe you could look at it te other way and find someone to be nice to? Anyone, an elderly person sitting out, a young girl looking how you feel, some of the kids if there are any there, make an effort to be nice to them and see what happens. You might get someone who gives you a short answer, if someone came to you and you thought they were just feeling sorry for you you would probably do the same thing, but give it a go.

The other thing is something that it takes years to discover, and even when you have discovered it, to convince yourself of. People are not, for the most part, sneering at you, or even thinking about you. Most people are too busy coping with their own insecurities to give you much thought. Some people make themselves feel better by hurting other people, it makes them feel superior. What they feel is to do with them, not you. Put on a smile, give them a cheery wave (then ignore them). It puts you in control.

Go to the wedding, find people to chat to, don't wait to be approached. You are just as good as anyone else, and better a lot of cases. Dress up, head up, smile. Give it a go.

via4

To be fair they were sneering and they have done so to others in the gym which has resulted in the others leaving. I found myself saying the same advice to those people no don't mind them don't leave etc. but you get to the stage where you do take it personally because you haven't done anything to them at all. I wouldn't make an idiot of myself to start waving at them I would just turn my back and do my exercise. Its in the past now and the new gym I won't go in with the same hopes its just for exercise only. The wedding will be a toughie with the anxiety but theres nothing I can do when the usual culprits start I will just leave its that simple I am trying to overcome my illness and being around certain family members who pick on me when they know I am vulnerable I know this sets my back to the dark place again my goal is to get better not to let them bully me again.

intheclouds

Personally if I saw people sneering at others (or myself) in the gym I would be reporting them to the gym staff. Im sure there is a code of conduct and bullying is not acceptable.

via4

I have contemplated this intheclouds. The ones that are doing this are the regulars that have been there years. It is a small family run business and the owner is a pet but at the end of the day those regulars are his bread and butter and I would be putting him in an awkward position to have to say something to the regulars who he depends on for his livelihood. I have changed gyms and I wont be going back there so its not like I wont it to stop so I can go back its one of those awkward things. Thanks for all the replies guys gunna put this experience behind me now and just say a wee prayer that I will have friends some day xx

Rubberchikken

definitely change gp's. a doctor should be willing to help their patient.

i'm glad you're done with the first gym. those people sounded terribly insecure. welcoming someone new is such an easy thing to do that i find it very difficult to understand how others have a problem with it.

maybe joining something that involves a good mix of people and more talk/interaction might be an idea.
it's great that you're looking after your physical health but strengthen your mental health also. it's vitally important.

best of luck

Ursus Horribilis

I've never understood why some people have suggested joining a gym as a way to make friends anyway. From my experience of them, they're usually filled with people who just want to get their workout done and go home. Or the types who spend hours on end lurking in the weights section either looking in the mirror or trying to bench press something the size of a small car. Really, if you want to meet people though something sporty, try something that has a social element to it. Hill walking, cycling, scuba diving etc.

I definite agree with the others that you could do with making a trip to your GP. Nobody likes to be sneered at and going to a wedding on your own can make a person feel a bit odd. But anxious? No, certainly not.

eirbear1989

OP, if your not opposed to bringing a female friend I'll go with you!!

But I know who you mean, I recently moved to Galway for work and I am finding it hard down here. I joined the local gym and it is the one that the local GAA use so I felt like I was always the odd one out as everyone knew each other and I was the new girl!! I am finding it very hard and I only go out when my boyfriend is over. But he isn't from Galway and obviously has his own life so thats maybe one weekend a month. When hes over during the week we chill out at home cause we both work long days. It is getting to me know cause I am working with a good company (currently on placement but could become something permanent if I play my cards right) but on the other hand I am becoming unsocial. I have been diagnosed with depression twice before and I am afraid it could come about again.

I have joined a thing called "Meet Up" I have added myself to loads of groups but I am yet to go to anything (chicken that I am) as you get older it is harder to make friends. I am coming to the later end of my 20's and I am living in a city that I only know the people that I work with. I wish that I even had your determination to join another gym because currently I wont even do that! I have contacted local running groups but never went - I keep making excuses, some day hopefully!!

santana75

eirbear1989 wrote: »

as you get older it is harder to make friends. I am coming to the later end of my 20's and I am living in a city that I only know the people that I work with. I wish that I even had your determination to join another gym because currently I wont even do that! I have contacted local running groups but never went - I keep making excuses, some day hopefully!!

Jesus why would you say something so depressing (and untrue) to yourself? All you're gonna do there is scare yourself to death and make yourself sad. You can make friends at any age. Ive yet to meet anyone who couldnt do with another friend in their life. You have to believe you can make friends, because if thats what you expect then thats what you'll get.