When do you know if a friendship is over?

Makapakka

A few years ago, my friend and I fell out. The way she treated me caused me a lot of pain. My self esteem was EXTREMELY low and she stopped getting in contact, she disappeared from my life every now and again. At some point, things changed and she started to be friendly again. I was so happy, but over time have noticed I'm anxious around her, can't be myself, feel like I can't say something that might piss her off in fear of her "disappearing" again.

I am now in a better place mentally, but am still the same around this friend. It's so passive aggressive as in I just feel like I can't tell her if I am ever annoyed at her, feel like sometimes she walks all over me, n it's not just me that feels like this.

I am trying to be cognitively aware of what I expect from her, maybe I expect a little too much, but some of the things I expect are just good manners.. And what I thought friends do..

Tbh, I think not having her in my life as much would be a good thing, because I don't like the way she makes me feel. But she has been there for me through so much and I am just very confused. I can't be honest, completely honest, as I'll feel like I'm making myself vulnerable to someone who already hurt me..

I don't want to distant myself from her at the same time because I would have considered her a good good friend..

I would love some advice.. Thanks

IvyTheTerrible

MOD: Hi OP,
I've moved your thread over to the Personal Issues forum as I feel you'll get more suitable responses over there. Please make note of the forum charter.

manonboard

Makapakka wrote: »

A few years ago, my friend and I fell out. The way she treated me caused me a lot of pain. My self esteem was EXTREMELY low and she stopped getting in contact, she disappeared from my life every now and again.

I'm anxious around her, can't be myself, feel like I can't say something that might piss her off in fear of her "disappearing" again.

It's so passive aggressive as in I just feel like I can't tell her if I am ever annoyed at her, feel like sometimes she walks all over me, n it's not just me that feels like this.

Tbh, I think not having her in my life as much would be a good thing, because I don't like the way she makes me feel.

I don't want to distant myself from her at the same time because I would have considered her a good good friend..

Hi op. I've quoted a very visible trend in your post that stands out to me. It seems you already know this friendship is less than healthy. It can be hard letting go of that hope. However other than short bumps, trends like this are not adding to your life or going to help you with your peace and happiness.

I got a strong vibe from your message that you have low standards from low self esteem, then compensate by people pleasing too much because you fear losing people. I think it means you let your needs and boundaries get stepped on too often and build hidden resentment towards your friend.
It perfectly common and easy trap to fall into.
An example is all the stuff I quoted above. A relationship and interaction dynamic is making you unhappy and yet you are putting your very valuable n irreplaceable time and energy into it.

There's a wonderful book called your erroneous zones that has great information and help regarding guilt and people pleasing you might want to check out.

For your immediate benefit I would suggest just casually distancing yourself from that friend. Choose only to spend time in ways that give you pleasure and happiness. Anyone who loves you being happy will support you, let the rest walk thier own path.
Don't be angry at your friend for being a bit of a taker r bully, they're only interacting with you like that because you let them. It's a sad but well established conclusion that people treat you with respect when you show them it's how you treat yourself.

Best of luck op. Be kind to yourself!!

athtrasna

Someone said to me once that there are two types of people, drains and radiators. At that time I was struggling with my best friend who I then realised was a total drain, always wanted something from me but was never there when I needed them. Cutting them out of my life and surrounding myself with radiators (friend wise not the heating kind) made a massive improvement to my life.

Seems to me that this person is a drain. Time to find a radiator.

Ursus Horribilis

What do you mean by "the way she treated me caused me a lot of pain"? If your self-esteem was extremely low and you were in a dark place, she might have felt overwhelmed. Few friendships are unconditional. If you were a mess and a negative person to be around, you may have been a drain on her. Were you leaning too hard on her, looking for support? Bringing her down when all she wanted was a laugh and a cup of coffee? That's why I'm asking is there more to this than her going missing when you tried to make contact?

It's possible that she still wants to be your friend but is afraid to get sucked into the negativity.

On the other hand, if you're saying she was unkind to you, walks all over you (?) and generally makes you feel bad, then yes you shouldn't be wanting to have someone like this in your life.

Makapakka

Yes I probably did rely on her a little too much but she relied a lot on me too. But then she just start ignoring my texts and turning my other friends against me. I had another friend texting me saying how much of a bitch I was because of what j did to X (the friend this post is about) when I did nothing of the sort.

This is why I'm not honest with her now, I can't tell her if I'm feeling down, if her lack of communication is making me anxious, because of what happened before.

I know I know internally I have a lot of self esteem issues, but I know a friendship shouldn't be like this. My one other good friend doesn't act this way.. I think maybe she's thinking the friendship is over too..

I try to look at it from her POV and do sympathise with whatever she has going on in her life.. But like I hadn't heard from her in a week (which is not normal on our friendship (before anyone says friends don't have to communicate all the time)) n when I asked her how come, she snapped at me..

i know distancing myself from her will probably be best overall but I am just unsure about everything..

Ursus Horribilis

Makapakka wrote: »

..But then she just started ignoring my texts and turning my other friends against me. I had another friend texting me saying how much of a bitch I was because of what I did to X (the friend this post is about) when I did nothing of the sort.

So tell me, why would you want to have someone like that in your life? Instead of just feeling overwhelmed and keeping her distance, she actively turned your other friends against you. If someone did that to me, I'd never speak to them again.

Makapakka

Odus fell down wrote: »

So tell me, why would you want to have someone like that in your life? Instead of just feeling overwhelmed and keeping her distance, she actively turned your other friends against you. If someone did that to me, I'd never speak to them again.

We have been through a lot and I never had any other friends (other than this group) When she started being friendly again, I was still in a bad place so was glad of the friendliness again.. But as I've grown up mentally, I'm recognising more that maybe she just isn't good for me..

Ursus Horribilis

Makapakka wrote: »

We have been through a lot and I never had any other friends (other than this group) When she started being friendly again, I was still in a bad place so was glad of the friendliness again.. But as I've grown up mentally, I'm recognising more that maybe she just isn't good for me..

Ah, now that makes more sense. Someone with very low self-esteem, not many friends, lonely(?). No wonder you can't see her for the unpleasant piece of work that she is. Really, it's not good for you that you have no friends beyond this group. It makes things pretty darned incestuous in my opinion.

Rubberchikken

you sound like you're in a good place so don't let this 'friendship' pull you back down.
a real friend adds to a person's happiness. they don't just up and disappear on a whim and then reappear when it suits them.
you must look out yourself and your health. make some new friends and don't let this one drag on much longer than you deserve.

Rubberchikken

you sound like you're in a good place so don't let this 'friendship' pull you back down.
a real friend adds to a person's happiness. they don't just up and disappear on a whim and then reappear when it suits them.
you must look out yourself and your health. make some new friends and don't let this one drag on much longer than you deserve.

Ursus Horribilis

Rubberchikken wrote: »

a real friend adds to a person's happiness. they don't just up and disappear on a whim and then reappear when it suits them.

They also don't talk about you behind your back and turn your other friends against you.

Makapakka

Rubberchikken wrote: »

you sound like you're in a good place so don't let this 'friendship' pull you back down.
a real friend adds to a person's happiness. they don't just up and disappear on a whim and then reappear when it suits them.
you must look out yourself and your health. make some new friends and don't let this one drag on much longer than you deserve.

I want to really do this, to look after myself mentally. But ironically she's now after getting in touch and I don't know what to say to her. I'm not one to just leave people hanging (maybe that's the people pleaser in me) but I'm torn between giving her piece of my mind to just ignoring it completely..

Ursus Horribilis

Seeing as she's part of your only group of friends, cutting her off isn't going to work so well. So if you can manage it, try the polite but distant approach. Try to treat her as an acquaintance rather than a friend if that makes sense? By all means reply to her text message but be wary of getting too close.