My demanding job is restricting and hurting my life

LegacyUser

In short.

I have always been a hard worker and respected for that. Career is the one area of my life I have always excelled at while my personal life has been a little more complicated.

So, on the subject of my personal life I went through something pretty traumatic a few months ago which made me reevaluate everything. I had a bit of counselling and through doing some work on myself realised that I was constantly seeking external validation - which pretty much explained why I was so successful at work AND why I was so bad at relationships .

Great! Right?

So, in an effort to combat this and feel good about myself I started getting fit and healthy and do some self-improvement workshops and I honestly have never felt better - my confidence is better than I can ever remember and my energy levels are up. All of this however is slightly diluted by the fact that I am still working in the same 10 hour day job plus one weekend a month and of course emails and work phone calls outside of hours. They expect 100% commitment and devotion from me.

So, basically I feel like I am under pressure all of the time. I get up possibly too early at 5am but this quiet time is my favorite period of the day and I would really struggle to give it up, I also hate being rushed out the door. I cook, eat, shower, get ready and am in the car at 7am. I get home around 7.20pm, I prepare my dinner, go to the gym for 8pm, home around 9.15pm - eat said dinner, have a cup of tea, unwind and tidy up. I try be in bed for 10 but this is getting more and more uncommon. This is only 3 nights a week, so it's not like i'm even working that hard but as I only have 2 other free nights I always end up doing grocery shopping or ironing or if I'm lucky meeting people. Weekends get spent running errands, cleaning, or trying to sleep and batch cook lunches. My entire week seems to be full before I can even think about things I might "like" to do. I feel like I'm on a treadmill.

I'm not ready to think about relationships yet but I don't think I could even squeeze in a date with anyone at the moment, never mind a relationship.

So, in a long winded way I've lost a bit of motivation for my work, I actually feel a bit resentful for the hours we need to put in and other issues that arise I seem to have a lot less tolerance for. I think I always previously looked at it like "How could I help them?" Now I'm thinking "How do they help me?" I actually think I'm being slightly exploited as my salary is just about respectable for the field I'm in (which is usually 40 hour week).

So here's the issue as to why I can't just leave- besides my mortgage and other financial commitments

1 -I'm only here a year and I was only in my previous job 10 months (International company who pulled out of Ireland, I was lucky to get this job before the other one finished). I look like I don't stay in roles to any potential employers - despite being 3 and 7 years respectively in my roles before these ones.

2 - On a personal level I really like my boss and he has spent the year mentoring me and training me. I would feel guilty as I have always said I loved my job and want to stay here long term. I did mean it when I said it.

3 - It's very hard to get days off here, we need to give at least a weeks notice - and that's pretty frowned upon so I can't imagine it would be easy to even go to an interview.


Any advice?

zoobizoo

Could you talk to your boss and see what he thinks? Tell him your concerns.

You enjoy the work but not the hours by the sound of it - maybe they need to hire someone to help out / a junior for example.

Have you anything to look forward to like weekends away? I think you need to be looking forward to moer than errands and making lunches for the week.

What industry do you work in... some are notorious for expecting that many hours but others less so...

bee06

Would you not start by explaining to your manager that you are burnt out and need to cut down your hours? If they and he value you then they would surely prefer that to losing you.

On the points you raised:
1. The recruitment process for a lot of companies can be long. I was 6 months between applying and starting my current job so if you start searching now by the time you get a job you could have a lot more than a year on your CV in your current company. What have you got to lose by applying anyway.

2. When I left I was in a very similar situation. My manager thought very highly of me. Was going to give me a promotion and really relied on me. I was dreading handing in my notice but she understood when I explained my reasons why I had to leave.

3. Worry about this when it comes to it. No point in stressing about it now in my opinion.

woodchuck

I think you already know that you need to change jobs to have a more fulfilling life.

needtochangethisup wrote: »

1 -I'm only here a year and I was only in my previous job 10 months (International company who pulled out of Ireland, I was lucky to get this job before the other one finished). I look like I don't stay in roles to any potential employers - despite being 3 and 7 years respectively in my roles before these ones.

I don't think that will matter. As you said, you had good 'staying power' in previous jobs. Nowadays it's normal for people to move around more.

needtochangethisup wrote: »

2 - On a personal level I really like my boss and he has spent the year mentoring me and training me. I would feel guilty as I have always said I loved my job and want to stay here long term. I did mean it when I said it.

I think you just have to get over that guilt. It's work, nothing personal. You can always make it clear to him when you leave how much you appreciate the time he put into training you and that you really enjoyed working there.

needtochangethisup wrote: »

3 - It's very hard to get days off here, we need to give at least a weeks notice - and that's pretty frowned upon so I can't imagine it would be easy to even go to an interview.

You'd usually have a week or more notice for an interview? You're entitled to your annual leave, so don't get too caught up on this 'frowned upon' stuff. Surely if anyone else had an interview they would have to do the same, otherwise nobody would ever leave the place.



I think you're getting too caught up on what other people will think... do what you need to do for yourself!

Merkin

I really don't think you're managing your time outside of work well. I appreciate you like getting up early. Why don't you use that time to go to the gym or go during your lunch break? You say you cook in the morning, cook what exactly? How long is your commute? Also, why are you working a ten-hour day? Are your hours 8-6pm or something similar? Because while a lot of companies have a CULTURE of working long hours, it is still within your power to leave on time a couple of days a week. If you've so little time you should also do your grocery shopping online. There seems to be quite a few ways you could use your free time better and if you do then work won't make you feel so resentful.

Cyrus

What are your actual working hours of you leave at 7am and get back at 7pm? 8-6? Depending on your seniority I don't see that as particularly onerous

I think you need to manage your time better up at 5 to leave at 7? Goto the gym at lunch or go for a run that kind of thing

intheclouds

Just on time management.

I work 9-5.30 and the evening commute is around 45 minutes so usually I get home ~6-6.30pm.

I get up at 6.30am and go to the gym before work, I am out the door before 6.50am and into the gym for an hour, shower and then I get to work at 8.45 and have some porridge and tea and ready to go at 9am.

At the weekend I make evening meals for 3 evenings of the week. So Monday, Wednesday and Friday I only have to heat up food. This means I can be sitting down to a hot meal for very little effort by 7pm 3 nights a week.

It takes a bit of forward planning and yes, I do feel a bit like Im on the "weekday treadmill" but the alternative is lots of evening time wasted cooking or trying to get to the gym after work when tired etc... This way Im in the gym full of energy at 7.30am, my workouts have substantially improved in intensity because I arrive fresh and I get to actually enjoy most of my evenings.

Dughorm

Agree with the other posters re. time management.

It appears you have a good, if busy, job with a nice manager. Lots of people work long hours so you would be throwing the baby out with the bathwater if changing jobs was your first answer to your problem.

Your post hinted at a lack of sleep. You just need to be disciplined here - if you're going to bed an hour later than you should then make yourself set your alarm an hour later to make up for it. Get into the habit of getting to bed earlier - don't go to the gym as late like others have suggested.

Finally, why not go book a weekend away with friends/family - it doesn't have to be expensive - just something you enjoy. It will be something to look forward to and show you that you can manage to have fun and a busy job! Good luck!

Dughorm

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LegacyUser

You could easily get 1.5 hours more sleep, getting up at 5am is madness it would wear anyone out. Your actual work hours appear very normal to me and certainty not outlandish.

Around 9am to 6pm is my hours everyday but its often 7 to 8pm when I finish, difference is I'm never up before 8:30am and its often pushing towards 9am. I hop out of bed, get dressed and am out the door inside 15 mins (always shower the night before and either don't eat breakfast or eat in work). Now I appreciate I've a very short commute but if it took longer to get to work I'd still be getting up at the last possible minute.

I really dont get the faffing around the house in the morning for 2 hours, reducing that is a very obvious way to gain some energy.

LegacyUser

intheclouds wrote: »

At the weekend I make evening meals for 3 evenings of the week. So Monday, Wednesday and Friday I only have to heat up food. This means I can be sitting down to a hot meal for very little effort by 7pm 3 nights a week.

+ 1 I got a slow cooker a few months back - an extra large one and I can make up a meal that lasts a whole week if I wanted. Now I don't want to eat the same thing every day so I freeze some and alternate but I'm still spending very little time cooking - I make stews and chillis or big cuts of meat with veggies on the bottom - just piles everything into the pot and leave it for 10 hours and you've a big pot of food that will do you days on end and one pot to clean.

LegacyUser

Thanks all!

Just to clarify. My basic hours are 8am - 6pm, it can be 7 or 8 when we get out but I always get out on time when I can. My commute is pretty long too.

Those are the hours everyone is required to work and despite how lovely my manager is he very much enforces company policy and the attitude of the entire business is basically that if any aspect your personal life is more important than work then they don't want you here anyway.

I go to a Cross Fit gym and the earliest class is 6.30am to 7.30am. It would be impossible to make it to work on time. Similarly at lunch time. We don't really get lunch breaks - it's 45 mins and we sit at our desks. It would actually take me longer to get to my gym - so- not an option.

Perhaps it's my time management but I do feel like my change of attitude is a lot to do with it.

I will try and schedule things better but I feel like I have been doing that and not making much progress

Glitter

needtochangethisup wrote: »

Just to clarify. My basic hours are 8am - 6pm

Fair enough if those are the contracted hours.

the attitude of the entire business is basically that if any aspect your personal life is more important than work then they don't want you here anyway.

This however is ridiculous.

I go to a Cross Fit gym and the earliest class is 6.30am to 7.30am. It would be impossible to make it to work on time. Similarly at lunch time. We don't really get lunch breaks - it's 45 mins and we sit at our desks. It would actually take me longer to get to my gym - so- not an option.

Is the CrossFit gym the only gym nearby or near work? Why not join a normal one and do your own work outs? I swim a kilometer before work twice a week for example. Or you could get a personal trainer to show you a circuit if you prefer weights and then do a bit on the treadmill or similar to keep up your cardio.

Getting up at 5am for no good reason is a total waste of your time.
If you don't want to change your evening gym regime than just make yourself stay in bed for another hour! If your internal clock keeps waking you up at the old time at first just stay in bed and read or something for the hour until it adjusts and you get used to the new wake-up time.

Perhaps it's my time management but I do feel like my change of attitude is a lot to do with it.

Time management is always important but so is a good work-life balance (cliche but true). I work myself to the bone when I'm in work but come 5.30 I am out the door unless there are properly exceptional circumstances. The work will always still be there tomorrow unless you are actually working in a deadline-driven environment like journalism, or literally saving lives somehow!

So ultimately I think you could improve your current situation with better time management; and then seek to find a new position in a company with a culture where you can focus on a more work-to-live philosophy.

viztopia

I would have been in a similar position a few years back my self op until I got a bit burnt out. I think you have to ask yourself why do we work harder? Is it so I can keep working harder and longer and sit on the m50 in traffic? I think when you are older and perhaps with a family and grandchildren you won't regret not having worked harder but you may regret having worked so hard and making time for the things that matter. This is not to say that you have to throw all your hard work to date away. There is a happy medium and I think you are too much to one side of it at the moment.

LegacyUser

While the time-management advice is well intentioned and has some short-term value, it really, really misses the point. If there is a professional version of Stockholm Syndrome, you've got it. Work may expect 100% commitment and devotion from you, but that doesn't mean you have to give it. That company will not offer you the same loyalty the day your job can be outsourced and you're not "lucky" to have that job, you're a useful tool who fills a role for them right now, that's it. It's great that you get on with your boss, it's great that you've learned something from the position, but to value those things above yourself is, as you've already started to see, the road to unhappiness and worse.

Think back through the counselling you've already had. I'll bet you good money the aim was to help you value yourself, to help you take control of your happiness, to start fully realising yourself, not to make you go to the gym earlier in the day because it might help you keep your nose to the grindstone for a bit longer in the evenings. You clearly need some change and nobody else can make your life work for you, only you can make that happen. If I was in your shoes, and I once was, I'd be grateful for what I learned through counselling and I'd be turning it in motivation into action and looking for a better way to spend my days.

LegacyUser

Sorry for the second post, but obviously I can't edit. I should have googled first, but I've apparently just described an already recognised phenomenon https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-modern-time-crunch/201403/corporate-stockholm-syndrome