Seeking advice: signalling non-interest

unfortunately

Hi, sometimes I am socially anxious an avoid meeting people and new situations, which I don't like, and am trying to overcome this.

I went to the George last night and sometimes a guy will come over to chat to me. Last night the guy was mid-30s; I am in my early 20s and I prefer guys my age-- it's just what I'm attracted to. I am not that interested but I don't want to immediately say "no, go away", I usually chat to see maybe if I like them. Once I am over the initial anxiety I am usually chatty and relaxed. But then I feel bad because I think I am leading this guy on when really I am not interested in kissing him or dancing.

I go to the George alone, so I wonder how do I signal that I'm not interested? I was upstairs watching the dance floor and he approached me, we chatted and I watched my body language so my stance was open i.e. not directed towards him too much and I turned down his offer for a drink. We talked and laughed because that's my personality but I feel bad that he thinks this is going somewhere it isn't. I hate awkwardness and after chatting for 20 mins I eventually built up the courage to say "I'm going to go now" and went downstairs. I feel real awkward about this and feel sorry for the guy.

So how can I signal or let a guy down easily? I don't like being rude and will chat to people but don't want to lead them on.

Ten of Swords

unfortunately wrote: »

after chatting for 20 mins I eventually built up the courage to say "I'm going to go now" and went downstairs.

You did exactly the right thing, just 20 minutes too late!

If he's not your type and you know it's not going anywhere there really is no point trying to force a conversation. Your time, and his, could be better spent. I doubt he would mind either if you make it clear early on.

unfortunately

Ten of Swords wrote: »

You did exactly the right thing, just 20 minutes too late!

If he's not your type and you know it's not going anywhere there really is no point trying to force a conversation. Your time, and his, could be better spent. I doubt he would mind either if you make it clear early on.

Yes, I know I'm wasting his time and that's bad but how do I turn him down exactly? He approached me and said "You look like a good person to talk to", how do I reply?

Ten of Swords

I don't appreciate being hit on by much older guys so my response to him would be quite different to a twenty something guy I had no interest in hitting on me, but that's just me. I'd be direct and just tell him I'm not interested, if he persisted I would be significantly more curt and defensive and if that didn't work I would leave the vicinity.

If you would rather be passive just ignore them if you don't want to talk to them, but that can be received negatively.

unfortunately

Ten of Swords wrote: »

I don't appreciate being hit on by much older guys so my response to him would be quite different to a twenty something guy I had no interest in hitting on me, but that's just me. I'd be direct and just tell him I'm not interested, if he persisted I would be significantly more curt and defensive and if that didn't work I would leave the vicinity.

If you would rather be passive just ignore them if you don't want to talk to them, but that can be received negatively.

Yes, the persistent ones I don't find difficult to be direct because they are not being polite themselves. Other guys have put their arms around me and I can stop them. It's the nice guys who say hello and not so forward I have difficulty with because it's hard to shoot someone down so early when they built up the courage to approach you. But I suppose you're right in the long run it's best to be upfront and honest. Maybe I'll just say I'm not looking to meet anyone tonight.

Thanks for the advice.

LLMMLL

There's no good response I'm afraid. If you talk to them for 20 minutes they may feel you led them on. If you cut them off
Immediately they'll think you're rude. Nobody likes rejection. My own approach is to cut them off early but not reference that they were coming onto me. I would never say "I'm not intersted/you're not my type", I think that's very rude. Something like "I'm not looking for a chat right now" is more neutral (but they'll still think you're rude).

To the other poster: you know people of all ages deserve respect, and are entitled to come onto whoever they please. Sounds awful that you have a particular negative response for these older guys.

Ten of Swords

I agree that people of all ages deserve respect and I have never advocated otherwise but when it comes to guys hitting on me I have an age limit, call it a personal preference.

I am not naive enough to think a guy many years older that me hitting on me in a gay bar really wants to be my friend or cares in the slightest about what I think and the response I have is simply that I will shut him down instantly and not bother with smalltalk. With a guy closer to my own age in a similar situation, I may engage in some smalltalk to end the conversation a bit more gently that is all. End result is the same, so I don't see what there is to be offended about.

Op best of luck.

ongarboy

OP, I don't think you should overly concern yourself with possibly offending anyone that you're not interested in. When someone makes a move/pass/approach on someone, it's part of the scenario that there may be a rejection. If such people are easily offended by rejection, then they shouldn't be making passes at strangers in the first place.

Once you are polite and sincere in declaring that you are not interested, the other party should accept that, even if it means them being disappointed.

NuMarvel

unfortunately wrote: »

Yes, I know I'm wasting his time and that's bad but how do I turn him down exactly? He approached me and said "You look like a good person to talk to", how do I reply?

"Thanks, my boyfriend thinks so too"

Iopu

I would walk away asap. Tell them your waiting for your bf or something. Before they start asking for your number or trying to kiss you!

J_E

LLMMLL wrote: »

To the other poster: you know people of all ages deserve respect, and are entitled to come onto whoever they please. Sounds awful that you have a particular negative response for these older guys.

Right! I'm glad someone said this. There are some awful, despondent attitudes from younger gay men towards anyone who isn't exactly in their age bracket, and this irks me. If it's not what you're into that's fine, but there is no need to have such a negative attitude towards them. It's pretty prevalent from what I've seen and heard.

Iopu

J_E wrote: »

Right! I'm glad someone said this. There are some awful, despondent attitudes from younger gay men towards anyone who isn't exactly in their age bracket, and this irks me. If it's not what you're into that's fine, but there is no need to have such a negative attitude towards them. It's pretty prevalent from what I've seen and heard.

You kinda have to have a negative attitude to shake them off. If your too polite they'll try to hang around. And I mean all guys that try you that your not into. Not just age based.

Ten of Swords

J_E wrote: »

There are some awful, despondent attitudes from younger gay men towards anyone who isn't exactly in their age bracket...
...It's pretty prevalent from what I've seen and heard.

This is not unique to gay men, you can find this outlook in any cross section of society.

J_E

Ten of Swords wrote: »

This is not unique to gay men, you can find this outlook in any cross section of society.

It is especially bad in gay circles. There is a nasty vacuous subset of gay men that are extremely exclusionary because they have their own perceptions of all types of people. The phrase "no fats, no fems, no Asians" comes to mind. It really bothers me. The notion is that all older gay men are creepy and only interested in sex.

Ten of Swords wrote: »

I am not naive enough to think a guy many years older that me hitting on me in a gay bar really wants to be my friend or cares in the slightest about what I think and the response I have is simply that I will shut him down instantly and not bother with smalltalk.

Right there.

Ten of Swords

J_E wrote: »

The notion is that all older gay men are creepy and only interested in sex.

We both know that such notions are not true, I don't see the need for this generalization, but while it doesn't hold true in every single instance I have certainly found there is an overwhelming majority looking for a quick hookup with a younger guy rather than those just looking for company. Some guys appreciate this and even gravitate towards it - I don't, and as a result I don't see the point in engaging with someone I have no interest in (superficial or otherwise) or trying to find common ground with.

J_E wrote: »

Right there.

Yeah, I stand by what I said, thanks.

As for the exclusionary crap you see on grindr et al profiles, if it makes you feel better think of it as a very crude manifestation of Zajonc's familiarity principle. Getting offended isn't going to do anything for you and if you find yourself in a 'no' category on someones list just take it on the chin and move on.

Ash885

Thought this was an interesting video that linked to some of what's in the thread!