Toxic group of friends

LegacyUser

Hi
I'll keep this short, basically I am in a situation at work with a group of friends/work colleagues that are making my life very difficult.
Background to this is that when I first started there this group was headed up by a person that could best be described as narcissistic (and I don't use the term lightly).

It was a very bad experience, very controlling, very ego centric and callous a lot of the time. This wasn't for all people, for people he thought worthy of his company he would big them up as much as himself but if you were unlucky enough to be at the other end of the scale in his estimation, it was not pretty. I wasn't the only one on the receiving end either.
I think it was two sides of the same behaviour, he possibly got a rush out of putting people down. Also situations seemed to be engineered so he could be in control, the star etc. The person was also very charming, witty you name it, really sociable when he wanted so it was easy to overlook treatment of 1 or 2 people.

It was also done in a way that was very sneaky, there was a lot of talking behind people's backs, talking people down, in a way that's not normal. Personal information would be used against you in a negative way if you happened to mention anything, and it was very nosey place (I'd consider it way off the chart nosey and then you'd be accused of being unfriendly if you didn't divulge, so no respect for privacy).

What shocked me most (maybe I was a bit naive) was that others in the group who I get on very well with and value a lot as friends, didn't care about this. Fast forward 3 or 4 years & that person has since moved to another company but is still there with email, whatsapp you name it.. so the influence is still very much there.

My point is that I think this situation has tainted how I'm seen a bit, and I can't get out of it. This is at work so I'd have to change jobs (otherwise, obviously, out of there with fire behind me). Most of the people remaining are fine and I get on well with them but I get a real impression that they look down on me. Then there are 1 or 2 of them that still have the same way of acting as before - maybe because "people who like each other are like each other"etc .. and these 1 or 2 people make life very difficult.

I am a bit shy and I think this makes me a target. A while ago one of them started having a go at me, making snide comments etc (unprovoked) and when I tried just to avoid them, it got worse and it was made out that I was somehow to blame, that I was anti social for avoiding them. I don't know what I'm supposed to do in that situation. Most of them are very good friends though and that makes it very complicated.
I'd love to overcome that shyness which fair enough makes me not the most exciting person to be around, but this situation doesn't help. I'm not like that around other people either, and there are people I get on fine with at work..

I don't know how to handle this - put up with it, or change jobs and stop pissing against the wind, I get really down about it and it seems like it's been following me for years... I have invested a lot of time in these people and sometimes I feel like it's been a waste.

ongarboy

OP , it sounds like you are describing Junior Cert students in secondary school rather than adult professionals working in a real world job. Yes, there are cliques and clans in workplaces and yes, it's more pleasant at work if you get on, have the craic or banter, or are mates with work colleagues but essentially you are at work to work. Social interaction is a secondary or incidental scenario. Unless any of your workmates are doing anything to constitute bullying (and so far I've read nothing that suggests so...egging you on for more details of what you got up to at the weekend or fearing they won't invite you to lunch or view you as aloof is not bullying)then I think you really should stop depending in these people (who I agree are not very pleasant) for some sort of friendship. Focus on doing your job to the best of your ability and to your friends and social contacts outside of work( or the many other work mates you seemingly get on no problem with). Why continue feeling you have to socially interact with these knobs if they upset you so much?

Focus also on your self esteem and confidence. If you are being asked nosey questions about your weekend eg that you are not comfortable sharing( eg how many pints you drank, did you go all the way with your one? Etc) tell them no comment. So what if that makes you standoffish. I'd rather be that then torment myself to feel forced to share info I wasn't comfortable doing.

Also as much as you dislike this main protagonist you describe, you are also placing way too much importance on this power that you seem to think he has. He's a wanker and a tosser from what you describe. Presumably he's not your boss nor do you have professional or work dependencies so remove him from your life. Again you use classroom descriptions to describe him like some Mr Popular. You're an adult OP so forget that nonsense and as earlier advices, look to building your self esteem and confidence. There are tools, courses or even counselling that can help you there!

Quitting your job for this would be such a drastic and unnecessary measure and I fear you'd carry the same troubles with you to a new job with new cliques. If this Mr Narcissist has even left and you're still suffering from his legacy, that proves how sensitive you are and how you need to address your own self worth so as to rise above these situations.

josephryan1989

These people are childish and immature and insecure.
I work with people like this and I'm sure most people do too.
I have found that you literally find the same types of people no matter where you work so there is no point in changing careers.
The way to deal with it is to do your work competently and cover yourself as best you can in case these clowns try to get at you and develop a social life outside of work and pursue your own interests.
Be impervious to insults and impervious to praise.
If you think these people are nuts entertain yourself by watching how ridiculous they are and get satisfaction that you have a life outside of work and they don't.
Nothing they say or do should impress you or hurt you and you don't need their approval.
Once you stop taking these idiots seriously in any way whatsoever and look out for yourself then life will get easier.
What people like this get off on is when people actually take them seriously and walk on eggshells around them.
Their bark is worse than their bite.

josephryan1989

These people are childish and immature and insecure.
I work with people like this and I'm sure most people do too.
I have found that you literally find the same types of people no matter where you work so there is no point in changing careers.
The way to deal with it is to do your work competently and cover yourself as best you can in case these clowns try to get at you and develop a social life outside of work and pursue your own interests.
Be impervious to insults and impervious to praise.
If you think these people are nuts entertain yourself by watching how ridiculous they are and get satisfaction that you have a life outside of work and they don't.
Nothing they say or do should impress you or hurt you and you don't need their approval.
Once you stop taking these idiots seriously in any way whatsoever and look out for yourself then life will get easier.
What people like this get off on is when people actually take them seriously and walk on eggshells around them.
Their bark is worse than their bite.

tomwaterford

If you want to look at it another way....no matter how much they treat you different/look down...

Your not the one who's left for a new job and still stays in regular contact with those there via email/whatsapp...it's a little bit sad
(Dunno how helpful that is)


But your not there to make friends...just tell them you did nothing exciting/just ask what they did (afaik most people prefer talk on themselves)

now online

You can't change people, or their opinion of you, you can change how you react to them .

Keep your head down mouth shut get on with your job and you'll find they'll conduct themselves better.

I've always made it a point to keep my work life and social life separate and never dulled the lines. I've been lucky so far this $hit hasn't affected me.

Rubberchikken

i agree with ^^. separate yourself from them on a friendship level.
keep work professional. keep ignoring anyone who comments negatively. eventually they'll get the message.
people who behave like this are immature and imo not worth getting upset about.

take care

Rubberchikken

i agree with ^^. separate yourself from them on a friendship level.
keep work professional. keep ignoring anyone who comments negatively. eventually they'll get the message.
people who behave like this are immature and imo not worth getting upset about.

take care

LegacyUser

ongarboy wrote: »

Quitting your job for this would be such a drastic and unnecessary measure and I fear you'd carry the same troubles with you to a new job with new cliques. If this Mr Narcissist has even left and you're still suffering from his legacy, that proves how sensitive you are and how you need to address your own self worth so as to rise above these situations.

Thanks I think you're right, I desperately have to sort out my self esteem, it's something I need to work on. Shyness holds me back a good bit. Don't like to think about that but there you go.
The person is around a good bit although not in work so that's why it concerns me, although yes from a work perspective that is history. Some of them are good friends which makes it complicated.