Giving food to bereaved friends

Dubl07

A neighbour has died very sadly and far too young. The family have said they don't need anything but I'm not sure if that's just politeness and shock.

Is it still the done thing in Dublin to drop in sandwiches or a casserole or cakes?

murria

Absolutely yes. There's a lot to be done when someone dies and people keep calling in to pay their respects, so its very useful for the family not to have to think about cooking. They might have to throw some away (my friend was given 3 shepherds pies when her mam died) but so what!. You sound like a very kind person, its a nice thing to do.

The Backwards Man

Big pot of soup never goes amiss either.

ElleEm

I would like to think people still do this for people. My parents' neighbour lives alone after being widowed and they carried on sending in the odd dinner months after the funeral. Teabags, milk and biscuits may also go down well.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

I was at a wake in Dublin 2 weeks ago and several neighbours called with trays of sandwiches. They didn't stay, just handed in the food and left. The family were very grateful. Always a nice thing to do. Even a fruit cake or a few packs of biscuits are always appreciated.

Dial Hard

Dubl07 wrote:

Is it still the done thing in Dublin to drop in sandwiches or a casserole or cakes?

Absolutely. I'd go with a casserole or lasagna or something as it can be frozen and reheated if needs be, sandwiches and cakes (while still very thoughtful) will go stale quite quickly.

Also, soup/stew/chilli/curry are all good bets as they'll last a few days and reheat well.

But honestly, anything that makes their lives even a teensy bit easier in these first horrible few days is going to be very gratefully received.

seamus

It sounds like a ridiculous thing to do, but actually very pragmatic. For the person bringing it, it lets them feel like they're doing something and being useful.

For the bereaved, they will have a table full of lasagnas and casseroles and cakes - but they will also have a pile of visitors coming and going and will be rushed off their feet. The last thing they need to be stressing about is getting to the shops and making a pile of food either for visitors or themselves.

So while it might seem contrived to turn up with a pile of food, it's actually incredibly helpful.

The same goes actually for any major life change - having a child, moving house, sudden illness, etc etc.

Graces7

Dial Hard wrote: »

Absolutely. I'd go with a casserole or lasagna or something as it can be frozen and reheated if needs be, sandwiches and cakes (while still very thoughtful) will go stale quite quickly.

Also, soup/stew/chilli/curry are all good bets as they'll last a few days and reheat well.

But honestly, anything that makes their lives even a teensy bit easier in these first horrible few days is going to be very gratefully received.

When there was illness or a bereavement on the island I used to send new laid eggs and a fruit cake that would keep

Gwynplaine

I found a bag of scones in the bottom of the freezer 3 years after my mam died. I threw them out in the grass for the birds. People are great.
I know a lad, whose mother died 7 years ago, still has dinners in his freezer that she made for him when she was alive. Very odd.

Graces7

The other thing I have always done after a bereavement is to wait two or three weeks then send flowers or a house plant for the relatives. And a letter ..When all the busyness has died down the hurt really sets in. Can be a bleak time... On the island I had a lovely flower garden..

Duiske

I think it's great tbh. This day last year was the beginning of a 2 day wake for my Dad. You don't really think of cooking in those situations so it was good to have food brought by neighbours. One less thing for us to worry about, people who called could grab a bite and we found ourselves picking away at it during the day. Wasn't something I'd thought of myself when going to a wake, but I'd definately do it now that I know what a help it can be.

callmepetardu

Oh, most definitely. After my mam died, eating was the furthest thing from our minds. My dad's best friend's wife dropped up a big lasagne and it still stands out to me three years later.

Graces7

Gwynplaine wrote: »

I found a bag of scones in the bottom of the freezer 3 years after my mam died. I threw them out in the grass for the birds. People are great.
I know a lad, whose mother died 7 years ago, still has dinners in his freezer that she made for him when she was alive. Very odd.

Takes all sorts and we all have different ways of coping and consoling ourselves. I have letters from dear ones from 30 years ago.. and food is nourishment in so many ways. For that lad to use or throw away those meals would be losing her all over again.

Graces7

Duiske wrote: »

I think it's great tbh. This day last year was the beginning of a 2 day wake for my Dad. You don't really think of cooking in those situations so it was good to have food brought by neighbours. One less thing for us to worry about, people who called could grab a bite and we found ourselves picking away at it during the day. Wasn't something I'd thought of myself when going to a wake, but I'd definately do it now that I know what a help it can be.

I was the opposite, When my mother was killed (RTA) I insisted on cooking a turkey and making all the sandwiches for the funeral. Was in utter pain and shock and had to sit on the settee to make them but it felt right. DOING for her in the only way I could...

Ficheall

I'm always puzzled by people who seem to go to a wake-house to eat. I understand that some people might have travelled some distance, but when my grandmother died in November, we (grandchildren) spent the day in the kitchen making tea and sandwiches for half the town. Granted, not knowing anyone from the town, this was preferable to making repetitive small-talk with myriad commiserating strangers, and some people were very good and did bring sandwiches and grub, but still, you'd swear some people skipped lunch in expectation of getting fed while commiserating.

Dubl07

Thanks, boardsies. You've given me some ideas. I'm just paying it forward a bit; people have been kind to me in similar circumstances in the past but it's all a bit of a blur at the time.

Speedwell

My mother was Jewish and I could no more not bring food to a house where someone recently died than I could walk there naked. That said, I also look for small chores that the bereaved people might overlook or not be able to cope with in a time of stress, secretarial/computer stuff because that's what I'm trained to do... offering to make sure the bills aren't overlooked, writing the sad letters to cancel subscriptions or payments, helping find or get necessary records, helping with the dead person's computer, and so forth. A depressed person may fall behind on cleaning the house and, indeed, themselves. If nothing else, just having friends in the house helped me so much when my parents died.

Dial Hard

Ficheall wrote:

I'm always puzzled by people who seem to go to a wake-house to eat.

I really don't think they do. Some people eat what they're offered out of politeness, some because they just can't refuse ANY free food and others because everyone else is doing it and they don't want to "stand out". There are a lot of rituals around food and drink and hospitality when people enter your home in Ireland and this is magnified to a large degree when a death occurs.

But I've certainly never come across anyone who only calls into a bereaved household to fill their stomach and if you have you should post it in the stinge thread because that is stinge to the nth degree.

Speedwell

Dial Hard wrote: »

I really don't think they do. Some people eat what they're offered out of politeness, some because they just can't refuse ANY free food and others because everyone else is doing it and they don't want to "stand out". There are a lot of rituals around food and drink and hospitality when people enter your home in Ireland and this is magnified to a large degree when a death occurs.

But I've certainly never come across anyone who only calls into a bereaved household to fill their stomach and if you have you should post it in the stinge thread because that is stinge to the nth degree.

In my experience, people often travel fairly long distances to attend, and if they're bringing something, they can't always stop on the road to feed themselves. Also, it would have shamed my grandmother not to be able to offer food to guests, even in such a time of trouble.

Figbiscuithead

Besides from being incredibly practical and useful, it's an incredibly kind thing to do and those little gestures make the world seem a kinder place - after losing someone close, the world can seem more cruel and cold for a while. Those kinds of gestures will be remembered forever and yes, it definitely happens in Dublin, OP.

Why Do We Fall

The food is much appreciated. As others have said cooking is the last thing on your mind and it's very easy to forget to eat when going through the early days of bereavement.

The only problem is the guilt of throwing out the excess and trying to remember who owns which dish.

It's a sign of how well regarded someone and their family is, and TBH I never felt prouder of being a part of my community than when my father passed away.

Do what you need to do OP and fair play, whatever you do will be appreciated.

Robsweezie

its a nice thought. but personally I would think the bereaved would be too in shock to eat, I suppose its a good idea to encourage them.

beertons

Boil a ham or roast a beef, and drop it round when you pay your respects. If they don't make sambos's with it, it'll do a few dinners.

fleet_admiral

I remember when my nana died my brothers mother in law made a big pot of curry.
It was a very nice thing to do

Annasopra

Dubl07 wrote: »

A neighbour has died very sadly and far too young. The family have said they don't need anything but I'm not sure if that's just politeness and shock.

Is it still the done thing in Dublin to drop in sandwiches or a casserole or cakes?

Absolutely yes. My Dad died recently. The soup, casserole and sandwiches and tarts were so appreciated.

Annasopra

Robsweezie wrote: »

its a nice thought. but personally I would think the bereaved would be too in shock to eat, I suppose its a good idea to encourage them.

I certainly strongly appreciated the food being there during my recent bereavement. It meant so much: not having to go out and buy food, not having to cook, food available at the end of the day when I'd forgotten to eat during the day. I think its a wonferful kind gesture. My Mum always baked fresh scones. When My Great Aunt died I made a large lasagne for her Daughters family. For me this is such a kind generous thoughtful thing to do and I would do it again.

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Really thoughtful thing to do. When my mam died suddenly, her friends took it upon themselves to make sure my dad, my sister & myself & everyone else who called to the house were fed. They made lots of stews, casseroles and sandwiches. They even borrowed an urn from somewhere so the kettle wouldn't need to be boiled infinite times. We brought them out for a meal a few weeks later to thank them. It's one tradition I'd hope that never dies out.

Day Lewin

My mother would send over a roasted chicken to a family in the neighbourhood that had had a death.

I usually deliver a fruitcake, useful for visitors and lasts well.

It's a tradition that is reassuring and helpful and strengthens a community and takes a small bit of worry off a grieving family. Always do it.

Day Lewin

My mother would send over a roasted chicken to a family in the neighbourhood that had had a death.

I usually deliver a fruitcake, useful for visitors and lasts well.

It's a tradition that is reassuring and helpful and strengthens a community and takes a small bit of worry off a grieving family. Always do it.

Day Lewin

Oh, and eating and drinking when you visit is also part of the ritual of sharing the experience, and community support: it is expected, and a chance to converse quietly and ask about family members, etc;

It gives the bereaved something to do, if they need that - making tea, etc - and ensures they are not left all alone. It is very good to observe traditions in such matters - it is comforting for all concerned.

Day Lewin

Oh, and eating and drinking when you visit is also part of the ritual of sharing the experience, and community support: it is expected, and a chance to converse quietly and ask about family members, etc;

It gives the bereaved something to do, if they need that - making tea, etc - and ensures they are not left all alone. It is very good to observe traditions in such matters - it is comforting for all concerned.

freshpopcorn

Most of the funerals in my family we've gone to the funeral home and went to pubs/restaurants so having plates and plates of sandwiches would have being useless to us. So no relatives/friends would have being in our house.
You know the family the so try and bring somebody they'd enjoy eating.

Gael23

As a family in the immediate aftermath of a sudden death, you are too in shock to want food. You just pick at small bits of food. Bring food without question but it doesn't have to be anything elaborate. If you want it could be a roast turkey or ham. But also a plate of sandwiches and a bowl of cocktail sausages or something would go down well I'm sure. I've been at wakes where people have brought cakes as well.

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Gael23 wrote: »

As a family in the immediate aftermath of a sudden death, you are too in shock to want food.

Every single person reacts in the exact same way, really? I must not have gotten that memo. If anything, I spent most of my time comforting other people, and when they left for the evening I was starving and only too glad of the food that was brought over.

Dial Hard

Gael23 wrote:

As a family in the immediate aftermath of a sudden death, you are too in shock to want food.

People don't bring food just for the bereaved, they also bring it to save the bereaved having to worry about feeding the throngs of visitors they're likely to get.

mansize

When my grandad died, he was waked at home. Many many visitors, and lots of neighbours rallying round to help. A neighbouring farmer mowed his field early so it could be used as a car park. The kindness and generosity of spirit of my nan's neighbours will stay with me all my life.

When my mam was v ill when we were small, the amount of neighbours and relations calling with home cooked food was another thing that will always stay with me.

Dial Hard

freshpopcorn wrote:

What if none of the funeral/wake was taking place in the home?

People still visit to sympathise/pay their respects.

No-one in my family has been waked at home but friends and neighbours still call in. I'd find it very odd if no-one darkened your door just because the actual body was in a funeral home, to be quite frank.

JupiterKid

Yes, it's a very nice gesture to make. When my Dad passed away in summer 2014 the neighbours rallied around and dropped in lasagne, sandwiches and cakes. It was much appreciated. I would do the same for a friend/neighbour if they were bereaved.

freshpopcorn

Dial Hard wrote: »

People still visit to sympathise/pay their respects.

No-one in my family has been waked at home but friends and neighbours still call in. I'd find it very odd if no-one darkened your door just because the actual body was in a funeral home, to be quite frank.

Funerals are a bit different in my area. If there's a big wake in the home people are always dropping in but it's a funeral home situation only the very close family would be dropping in to the family home.
So I.e they wouldn't be need for plates of sandwiches.

John_Rambo

Dubl07 wrote: »

A neighbour has died very sadly and far too young. The family have said they don't need anything but I'm not sure if that's just politeness and shock.

Is it still the done thing in Dublin to drop in sandwiches or a casserole or cakes?

It's done where I am in Dublin. We do it for people that just had a baby too. Drop in a stew, roast, ragu or stoganoff, something easy and that's easy to heat up. Don't hang around!! Just admire the baby for five seconds, leave the food and let the ma get on with the recovery and nurturing and the da to bumble around trying to be helpful.

Dial Hard

freshpopcorn wrote:

Funerals are a bit different in my area.

They clearly are. A bereavement doesn't start and end with the formalities. It might be two or three days between the death itself and the wake/removal/funeral. Meanwhile friends, family and neighbours start calling in to offer their sympathies pretty much immediately and this is where not having to worry about feeding yourself let alone others can be an absolute godsend.

freshpopcorn

Dial Hard wrote: »

They clearly are. A bereavement doesn't start and end with the formalities. It might be two or three days between the death itself and the wake/removal/funeral. Meanwhile friends, family and neighbours start calling in to offer their sympathies pretty much immediately and this is where not having to worry about feeding yourself let alone others can be an absolute godsend.

We've never experienced a two/three day wait from the death to the funeral/wake to begin so I understand that situation.

John_Rambo

Dial Hard wrote: »

They clearly are. A bereavement doesn't start and end with the formalities. It might be two or three days between the death itself and the wake/removal/funeral. Meanwhile friends, family and neighbours start calling in to offer their sympathies pretty much immediately and this is where not having to worry about feeding yourself let alone others can be an absolute godsend.

Excellent.

People going through the whole process can actually forget to buy food, cook etc. It's a good, thoughtful and kind neighbourly community practice.

unkel

My sister got gravely ill last June and she died in November. Several of her neighbours pooled together and provided her husband and young kids with 3 hot meals a week. They still do. It's probably the main reason they are still out there, reasonably ok, trying to cope.

Please do it folks

unkel

My sister got gravely ill last June and she died in November. Several of her neighbours pooled together and provided her husband and young kids with 3 hot meals a week. They still do. It's probably the main reason they are still out there, reasonably ok, trying to cope.

Please do it folks

Smidge

unkel wrote: »

My sister got gravely ill last June and she died in November. Several of her neighbours pooled together and provided her husband and young kids with 3 hot meals a week. They still do. It's probably the main reason they are still out there, reasonably ok, trying to cope.

Please do it folks

Sorry for your loss unkel, hope the family are doing ok.

stinkle

We waked my grandmother in my parents' house, it wasn't a sudden death and there was plenty of time to prepare. Her being 90-odd meant it wasn't a terribly sad affair either, more of a celebration of a long life. Despite all of my mother's organisation, she was still glad for all the food that neighbours dropped in as it was a really busy time and loads of people called. It just meant one less thing for the family to worry about, and I can only imagine in really sudden, untimely deaths it would be even more appreciated.

Graces7

So much of this is a very Irish tradition.. My first two funerals here were Poor Clare losses ( long story) and the crowds that come....and expect to be fed afterwards and are fed.. and the line of cars following the hearse...