seperation anxiety for 5 year old

Eircom_Sucks

brief history

me and ex partner split up oct 2014 and we have a 5 year old son and nearly 3 year old daughter

son born jan 2011
daughter may 2013

problem is with son , he started school in sept ( junior infants ) and is an absolute mess every day going to school , not just school but he wont go with anybody ( even his nan ) for 30 mins unless we coax him or say she'll get him a treat etc

now i make it my issue to see my kids 6 out of 7 days a week , i have them every tue eve / all wed / thur morning i drop to child minder , my kids are my world

but me and his mum are stumped as to how to get him out of this , i know in some cases its cruel to be kind ie drop him and let him get on with it as he has to get over it and realise , school is where he has to go etc

any suggestions ? we are starting him in gymnastics this saturday etc

seamus

He's not a toddler any more

I guess to a certain extent these things have a habit of escalating even when you're doing your best not to. In trying to coax him out to school, he can get stuck into this routine where he fights until the offer of a treat is made. Suddenly what was great because it worked one day is now the rock you perish on. It may also reinforce in his mind that school is something to be afraid of because you have to be convinced to go.

I would suggest speaking to his teacher first off - see how he is after he gets into class, does he still seem nervous and agitated or does he settle in quickly? If it's the latter then he's likely just playing up in the mornings because he can, and some tough love may be in order. If it's the former, then seeking professional help might a good idea to nip this in the bud before he gets older.

Worth noting that some extracurricular activities like gymnastics may specifically ban parents from being in the gym or loitering around the door during the class, for exactly this reason - the children get agitated and can't settle because they want to be able to run out to Mum or Dad.

Eircom_Sucks

seamus wrote: »

He's not a toddler any more

I guess to a certain extent these things have a habit of escalating even when you're doing your best not to. In trying to coax him out to school, he can get stuck into this routine where he fights until the offer of a treat is made. Suddenly what was great because it worked one day is now the rock you perish on. It may also reinforce in his mind that school is something to be afraid of because you have to be convinced to go.

I would suggest speaking to his teacher first off - see how he is after he gets into class, does he still seem nervous and agitated or does he settle in quickly? If it's the latter then he's likely just playing up in the mornings because he can, and some tough love may be in order. If it's the former, then seeking professional help might a good idea to nip this in the bud before he gets older.

Worth noting that some extracurricular activities like gymnastics may specifically ban parents from being in the gym or loitering around the door during the class, for exactly this reason - the children get agitated and can't settle because they want to be able to run out to Mum or Dad.

no not a toddler lol

we don't offer a treat for him to go to school ( thats just if he goes out with his nan or uncle )

by all accounts he is fine after a few mins in school once with friends

and the gymnastics is more to make new frjends and the place allows parents to stay

my gut feeling is saying tough love is needed , but its a fine line isn't it

LegacyUser

Aww, poor little guy.

Op he IS only a junior infant.There are so many kids like this.I have a sibling who was like this.Every day she had a pain her tummy going into school.Mondays, the first day back after holidays amd the first week of a new year were the worst.She was just a naturally anxious child.My mum is a primary teacher herself and had seen it all so she had a bit of a handle on it but still.Tough love is part of the solution but a lot of reassurance is needed too.A LOT. I would agree with speaking to the teacher and just explain the family situation and what's happening.It's nothing the teacher hasn't seen before and they will be a huge help to you too.

I don't know if your son is naturally a bit anxious but a lot of kids have this issue, and in his case he probably is a bit more aware of it with the separation that has occurred betweem you and his mum..I know you see the kids everyday and you really sound like you're doing your best, but kids pick stuff up and worry terribly about it.Have you ever asked him what he he thinks about the separation, or how he feels about his mum and dad not being together or anything like that?It could give you a clue as to where his fears come from and help you deal with them.

It is very normal..but don't be too tough.And ask the teacher does she have any ideas for dealing with it, they might have a few suggestions for you.

Roselm

Have you spoken to him about what you guys do once he is at school? it might re-assure him to sit down and draw out (eg with stick men!) what happens next , ie draw your children in school and draw you in work/at home or wherever you go, then draw you looking at a clock to show it's time for you to collect him and then you/mam getting in the car to collect him.
Sometimes visuals can re-assure a child as it makes everything easier to understand and remember. He knows you haven't just gone but that you have gone somewhere and are then going to come back.
There might be a children's storybook about this as books often contain those themes that in real life a lot of children find challenging so it might be an idea to read one first and then sit down and do your own version as above.

Roselm

Have you spoken to him about what you guys do once he is at school? it might re-assure him to sit down and draw out (eg with stick men!) what happens next , ie draw your children in school and draw you in work/at home or wherever you go, then draw you looking at a clock to show it's time for you to collect him and then you/mam getting in the car to collect him.
Sometimes visuals can re-assure a child as it makes everything easier to understand and remember. He knows you haven't just gone but that you have gone somewhere and are then going to come back.
There might be a children's storybook about this as books often contain those themes that in real life a lot of children find challenging so it might be an idea to read one first and then sit down and do your own version as above.