My view on attracation, dont know if im normal or not!

LegacyUser

Hi folks,

This is a strange one and embarrassing typing it. Because Im not 15 or 16 but 32!!

Basically Im a male single guy who for many years had anxiety and depression issues. I have done a tonne a work with a therapist and am finally starting to come out the other side of it. Some of the core work with my therapist has been about why im single so much and fears and beliefs around all that. Its been of enourmous benefit and now Im finally finding myself in a situation where Im meeting women and potential relationships and opportunities are arising.

My problem is a problem that I think ive always had. I dont know if Im just shallow and expecting way too much from someones looks. Or if Im completely normal.

I find if I dont think a girl is hot I just find it incredibly difficult to ever let it develop. The attraction never comes. I have to emphasise, its not that Im looking for particular conventional "hot" features. Its just if I dont think they are hot in my opinion then Im just never into them.

But I cant help but feel the only girls I think are really hot are ones that everyone thinks are really hot and maybe Im punching above my weight or something.

Its all a bit confusing, and admittedly childish for someone my age.

My question to you is, is it normal to only fancy women or men you think are hot? I get a constant sense like im a bit shallow or something, and the counter argument is no im not shallow I just dont want to be with someone who I dont think is hot.

kylith

Fancying someone because you find them physically attractive is the definition of 'fancying'. However as you meet more people and get to know them you perception of their physical attractiveness can alter.

For example, if you didn't fancy someone because, say, they had a big nose but you got chatting to them you may find that they have a brilliant smile or an infectious laugh and their nose would start to look a lot smaller, or at least its size would become less important.

There is nothing wrong with only fancying people you think are hot; it's normal. All I'd say is to not write someone off totally if they don't tick all your boxes immediately.

intheclouds

I think you should probably try to find other aspects of a person to appreciate besides looks. It IS shallow to only base attraction on looks.

Looks fade so someone who is hot today could look A LOT different in 20 years time. Or they could have an accident or health issue that causes them to look visually less attractive. But none of that is important when you love someone.

LegacyUser

intheclouds wrote: »

It IS shallow to only base attraction on looks.

Nonsense, nothing wrong with basing attraction on looks and often it's the only basis we have to start an attraction. In fact, almost all relationships are based on looks to some extent or other, even if the exact percentage differs from one type of relationship to another, or over time within the same relationship. Basing a whole relationship on looks alone would almost certainly be a recipe for disaster, but as a starting point for attraction, looks do matter hugely and there's nothing wrong with it.

OP, maybe what's missing here for you is just a bit of experience. Most people spend their teen years and twenties sorting out what they like, making lots of mistakes, kissing frogs and generally having a good time while rounding out their view of relationships. You're doing that a little later than the average, but there's nothing wrong with that. And there's also no such thing as punching above your weight, if two people are attracted to one another, they are the same weight and best of luck to them. Just get out there and make some mistakes, so long as you don't hurt anyone, it's the best way to learn what you need from relationships and what you can bring to them.

StanleyOllie

I think you are perfectly normal. If you find someone to fancy the next person may not find them attractive at all. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that. Keep options open as you may develop an attraction to someone you initially dont see as a possible mate though. Fancying someone is generally a good starting point. No point forcing yourself to be with a nice person if there is no spark, it wont work.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Thanks alot for the replies and I will take your advice on board too about not ruling out someone. It feels like a bit of relief to be honest, always asking myself "whats wrong with me, do i have ridiculously high standards and only go for hot women?", but we all do in our own way.

And I think you're right about me being a bit "behind" the average person my age. Its not that I havent had relationships but its true that ive never been in anything long term and I would imagine my maturity is a little different in that area.

Roselm

aminormal wrote: »

Hi all,

Thanks alot for the replies and I will take your advice on board too about not ruling out someone. It feels like a bit of relief to be honest, always asking myself "whats wrong with me, do i have ridiculously high standards and only go for hot women?", but we all do in our own way.

And I think you're right about me being a bit "behind" the average person my age. Its not that I havent had relationships but its true that ive never been in anything long term and I would imagine my maturity is a little different in that area.

Where are you seeing/meeting these women you find attractive?
I find being physically attracted to someone is wrapped up in a combined package of looks and a personality I find compelling. But it's not an objective process I go through where I ask myself is this person attractive to me- I find myself drawn to the person for the reasons above. I can't imagine clinically dissecting it and deciding the person has a nice personality and ok looks and making myself "go along" with it. It needs to feel right from the get go.
So no, I don't think it's wrong to only go for people you are attracted to.

Taltos

Mod Note
Generalisations especially those of a sexist nature are not welcome here.
PI/RI is here to give constructive advice. If posters just want to score points then I suggest you find somewhere else to post otherwise you'll find yourself on the end of a long and lengthy ban.

Update: Post deleted after chat - thanks for clarifying.

LegacyUser

Op, you'll be happy to know you're normal. Looks matter and if you don't find someone attractive nothing will happen.

ongarboy

Think the above post relates to another thread! :-)

OP, have you had successes with scoring these hot girls? If so there is nothing wrong with that and you are not shallow as you are focussing on and succeeding with girls that float your boat so to speak. I would think most people who fancy someone would rate them very highly out of 10 even if others didn't. It's perfectly natural and what we are genetically programmed to do.

I sense one issue would be if you continuously go for women that are "out of your league" which will result in frequent disappointments. This is where I'd think you'd need to not so much lower your standards but focus on what else you may find attractive in a partner and yes this is where personality and other positive attributes come into play.

I'm not sure from reading your post if whether your lack of experience is a major factor here. If you are not playing the field at all because of this notion you have for relative perfection in the "hot" stakes, I think this is compromising your ability to flirt, score, date, woo, charm whatever and the agonising you are doing from afar is all just elementary. Have you tried flirting and connecting with the women you actually fancy? What has been the result? If constant rejection, then refer to my league comment. If you are not making any attempt with these ladies for fear of not being worthy, then that is a self esteem issue that you need to work on.

Most people have scored (even briefly) with someone they fancied at some stage so don't think it's beyond your reach. And yes it's possible that the object of your desire is within your league! Flirt, score, date etc and forget about commitments and long term suitability at this stage as that sort of premature analysis will kill any early flames!