18 yo daughter causing chaos

Canterelle

Ok, am at my wits end here! I have an 18 yo daughter who is basically causing huge trouble in my life. She is understandably anxious about the leaving cert, because she has done little or nothing up to now. But her behaviour is causing huge problems in the house. I rent, with one other, and there is also my younger son. She tells me, and anyone who challenges her, to F off. She doesn't contribute to housework (perhaps my fault, as I do too much for her and always have). But now, it's getting beyond acceptable, and no matter how many times I sit down and discuss this with her ( which always ends in her agreeing to improve), it ends up the same. We're at a danger of getting kicked out of this accom, because of her behaviour. I just don't know what to do anymore. Any insights or ideas welcome.

bp

I would have one finall discussion with her whereby ground rules are written down and let her know you will treat her as the age of how she behaves.

Does she actually know how to use the washing machine etc? So firstly show her how to use things then:

I will launder your school uniform but no other clothes, they are your responsibility.
I cook dinner so you clear the table etc.

So cursing means internet gone e.g. phone gone for five minutes each curse

She has two chances then the new rules kick in.

You cannot curse around her and show her respect if you expect it back.

Also would she benefit from counselling

dori_dormer

She must be doing more than just cursing and not doing her chores if the landlord is considering kicking you all out. Does she know how to study? Lots of people don't know how to make a study timetable or write notes properly, and then panic. When we were that age we had one main weekly chore. Ie bathrooms, or the ironing, or hoovering and cleaning your bedroom. You could not leave the house on the weekend if they weren't done. Then ther would also be the daily chores like cleaning up after meals.

5rtytry56

dori_dormer wrote: »

She must be doing more than just cursing and not doing her chores if the landlord is considering kicking you all out. Does she know how to study? Lots of people don't know how to make a study timetable or write notes properly, and then panic.

I knew a 22 year old male student like this years ago. Many don't want to study because they don't like to study.
When I encountered this "gent" initially, he had quite good prospects seemingly and we were in first year computer applications cert together. The first year went fine for him. Then, in the second year I remember much of his chatter consisting of poking fun at some other students who were'nt "IT savvy" enough. In the third year of the same course he admitted that he did not like to study one bit. He also mentioned that he would not be doing the degree year. It all fell apart for him in the third year and the rest of the class ended up ignoring him. And so did I.

Confucius say

I think you're not telling us enough because it kind of sounds like how a lot of teenagers may act around parents at that age. I was horrible at times but I grew out of it by 18, she probably will too sooner or later. I think we need more deets.

kunst nugget

Confucius say wrote: »

I think you're not telling us enough because it kind of sounds like how a lot of teenagers may act around parents at that age. I was horrible at times but I grew out of it by 18, she probably will too sooner or later. I think we need more deets.

Maybe I lived a sheltered life but I never told my parents to fück off as a teenager and never would have dreamt of saying it to them. That is the height of disrespect.

Confucius say

kunst nugget wrote: »

Maybe I lived a sheltered life but I never told my parents to fück off as a teenager and never would have dreamt of saying it to them. That is the height of disrespect.

Well, language like that was and still is kind of normal in my beautifully dysfunctional family

kunst nugget

Confucius say wrote: »

Well, language like that was and still is kind of normal in my beautifully dysfunctional family

I have a mouth like a sailor but for me being abusive like that isn't a line I want to cross with my parents, spouse or children. I said 'fúck you' to my father once in a heated argument a while ago (as an adult) and I still feel dreadful about it. It was the absolute height of ignorance on my part. I wouldn't find anything beautiful about it.

Confucius say

kunst nugget wrote: »

I have a mouth like a sailor but for me being abusive like that isn't a line I want to cross with my parents, spouse or children. I said 'fúck you' to my father once in a heated argument a while ago (as an adult) and I still feel dreadful about it. It was the absolute height of ignorance on my part. I wouldn't find anything beautiful about it.

Right well it's different strokes. Anyway teenagers aren't exactly reasonable people that's what I'm trying to say.

silverharp

OP, whats your daughter planning to do after school? does she need to get certain results to go into some type of training? pick your battles,I wouldnt worry so much about helping out but any behaviour that is risking your accomodation needs to be knocked on the head as your younger child is more dependent on you and deserves to be raised in a house where there is respect for the parent.

Gbear

kunst nugget wrote: »

Maybe I lived a sheltered life but I never told my parents to fück off as a teenager and never would have dreamt of saying it to them. That is the height of disrespect.

It's not sheltered.

You presumably only have a limited experience of being parented though - as we all do. Most only get the parents they start with.

I'm sure I swore at my parents all the time, and we mostly had a pretty good relationship.

I wouldn't read too much into bad language. It's trivial.
The context around it is more important. If it's just something said in anger, maybe the kid's in a tough place at the moment and is just acting out - not uncommon around exam time.

If it's something that genuinely represents a lack of respect then you might have more trouble.
If she's willing to at least say she's willing to change her behaviour and help out more around the house, it would surely indicate that there's some willingness on her part to play ball.

Either way, swearing at your parents isn't tantamount to "chaos".

On the studying front, it really isn't for everyone. A lot of people need structure imposed on them.
That doesn't mean doing it by force - it just means that they need to buy into a system of studying where they don't have to completely self-motivate, plan and so forth.

I don't know what money's like, but grinds were always a great help to me, and if I had the good sense to do more of them in a couple of more subjects I would've done a lot better at school.
Failing that, try and organise shared studying groups with your daughter's friends, or see if any teachers at her school are amenable to helping out.

"Not studying" is too big a problem to fix. You'd need to break it down into the specific elements that are causing problems.

And if it's an issue of not taking exams seriously, that's likely deflection and/or self-delusion - mental gymnastics to justify their continued lack of preparation, rather than a genuine lack of desire to succeed.

Rubberchikken

her behaviour must be more extreme than the normal teen stuff to justify a person's family being kicked out of their home.
she's 18. if she doesn't want to study for her LC then maybe it's time to stop harping on about study and see what happens. and more importantly, let her see what happens.

but going back to the original post, is there space in the house for everyone? does she have room where she can spend time by herself if she wants? is something bothering her? you need to find out. it's good that you can talk with her but if something is bugging her she needs to be straight about it so she can be supported.

on the subject of chores, if she promises to e.g. tidy her space/clothes etc and doesn't, don't do it for her. she'll survive with unwashed clothes until she figures things out.
good luck. it''s not easy dealing with teens. we want the best for them but sometimes they just can't see that.

Rubberchikken

her behaviour must be more extreme than the normal teen stuff to justify a person's family being kicked out of their home.
she's 18. if she doesn't want to study for her LC then maybe it's time to stop harping on about study and see what happens. and more importantly, let her see what happens.

but going back to the original post, is there space in the house for everyone? does she have room where she can spend time by herself if she wants? is something bothering her? you need to find out. it's good that you can talk with her but if something is bugging her she needs to be straight about it so she can be supported.

on the subject of chores, if she promises to e.g. tidy her space/clothes etc and doesn't, don't do it for her. she'll survive with unwashed clothes until she figures things out.
good luck. it''s not easy dealing with teens. we want the best for them but sometimes they just can't see that.

PressRun

On the studying front, does the school offer free supervised study after school hours? This was an option offered in my school around leaving cert time and my nephew recently availed of it in his school too. It might be worth investigating to see if there's anything like that going. Even if it doesn't help her to properly study (study skills are not something everyone immediately has), it will at least give her an opportunity to get homework out of the way early in the evening. The school should also be talking to students about developing their study skills.