16 year old son problems

LegacyUser

Hi there, was going to put this in parenting so please move if you think it necessary but I always get great feedback when I post in this forum!

I have a 16 (nearly 17) year old son who is pretty much down in the dumps all the time. He also has a nasty temper and what I think is a touch of ocd when it comes to physical exercise.

He locks himself in his room constantly (I know this is typical teenage behaviour) but he has punched holes in the wall of his room, he has hacked chunks out of my kitchen presses and walls in the kitchen, he cut our new carpet on the stairs and he previously slashed a hole in our couch.....

He does pull ups every day but if he is disrupted by someone coming up the stairs, he HAS to start again and gets in a rage if we tell him he has to get ready for school or we don't have time...

He insists on doing these pull ups in the morning before school and he has often been late because of it. We have had screaming matches, rows, things being punched etc just because he doesn't have time to eat his breakfast due to him doing his pull ups....

I have two younger boys and I worry about what they are witnessing also.

We've tried him in counselling - he wont go back.
We've contacted the school - they think he's doing ok but will keep an eye on him and get the counseller in school to check in with him.
We've tried to get him to come up with an exercise plan that fits around his life - he wont. He just chops and changes whenever he feels like and then roars at us when we tell him there's no time.
We tried the softly softly approach - he just manipulates us then
We've tried shouting - he just shuts down then
We've tried getting others to talk to him - he doesn't open up
He also shouted at me that he was going to kill us all.................this scared me but my husband thinks it was just rage and not to worry.

I really don't know what to do. I am scared of him. I will be honest. I am scared. He has this dark look in his eye when he looks at me sometimes.

he says he's constantly tired..

I personally think he might be depressed. He wont come to see the gp with me though. He's nearly 6 foot and a big lad and I cant really see myself dragging him along to the gp. He would put up a fight.

Where is dad in all this you are probably wondering? Dad is there. He thinks I'm over reacting sometimes but he also loses the head with him in times where I think our son needs an ear and then it just escalates. We're not perfect parents and we're learning as we go....we need help though. I don't know who or where to turn to. I've tried all the online stuff and books etc and tried to implement some of their advice (stay calm, give him an outlet, listen etc etc) but when you have a 6 foot raging 'man' in your face, all that goes out the window....

So thanks for reading. If anyone can offer any words of wisdom or just words in general, please do...

Augme

Has your husband sat down with him and tried to talk to him, without you?

Rubberchikken

there's no such thing as a perfect parent so don't be hard on yourself.
what you're going through is tough and what your son is going through is hard on him, but he'll only get help when he's willing to open up.

no matter how bad the situation gets, would either of you be able to talk to him , and listen to him, without it getting out of hand?

his behaviour is practically holding the house to ransom, and he has to be feeling pretty miserable in himself but unable/unwilling to do something to solve it.

he can't go around destroying his home and saying the things he is saying, even if he doesn't mean them iyo.

what are things really like in school/with friends?
schools can mean well, but sometimes, depending on who you're talking to, they can do the 'oh he's doing grand, we'll keep an eye' routine. this is often done, imho, for an easy life and because they are often too busy to really delve into a student's issues.

first step, see if he will open up/even try to see your point of view. after that you will have to speak to a professional to see what can be done, especially before he turns 18 and the system will refuse to involve you.

take care and good luck

Whosthis

This is a massive assumption on my part but with the exercise obsession and the rage is there any chance he's using steroids? Just a thought. Is he a member of a gym or does he play sports?

zoobizoo

He needs to be brought to get a proper diagnosis.

It sounds like he has mental health issues.

zoobizoo

He needs to be brought to get a proper diagnosis.

It sounds like he has mental health issues.

kjl

Whosthis wrote: »

This is a massive assumption on my part but with the exercise obsession and the rage is there any chance he's using steroids? Just a thought. Is he a member of a gym or does he play sports?

I doubt it, it sounds like highly charged hormones to me.

I think there isn't much to do but wait till his is grown up and a little more mature.

@OP, if it was me I would just back off completely. Try parenting by not parenting. If your son is constantly late for school because he is exercising, then leave him to it. Let him make his own way to school. It should be no skin off your nose. He will soon learn that his actions have consequences.

If he comes complaining to you that school is giving him hassle for being late, simply say it's his problem.

16 years like to think they know everything about the world, but give him a touch of reality and lets see how he get on.

Ryan Mac Sweeney

Hi there
Sorry to hear what you are going through with your eldest son at the moment. I know its terrible on you and your family to witness these outbursts. If the school are not doing enough and he wont attend consuelling I believe that both yourself and your husband need to sit down and talk to him about his behaviour. Make it clear that this sort of behaviour is totally unaccetable and that while we all get angry or have bad days from time to time this is no excuse to take it out on others. Also make house rules that there is to be no shouting no cursing no punching holes and no hitting. Explain to him that if he breaks any of those rules there will be consequences such as taking away things he really likes grounding him not letting him to friends houses sending him to bed early etc. Another piece of advice would be that if things do get out of hand and if you fear that he is going to attack you or husband or youngers then phone the gardai immediately. You could also contact your local garda station for advice on dealing with him if you wish also.