He told me he's separated now he's gone!

SATSUMA

I met an amazing guy. We went out a couple of times and it went so well. We felt like we had known each other years. Anyway, turns out he's separated just under a year. I was fine with that. Next thing he does a complete 360; he never expected to like me so much etc he doesn't know what he wants...

Basically he's terrified and now wants to cease all contact.

I'm not sure why he's so intense after just a couple of dates but I think it's genuinely because we had that amazing connection straight off. (We are in our mid 30's)

Obviously I won't contact him. I'm really sad though.

Thoughts? I've never dated a person who has separated before.

Thanks 😢

CaraMay

Thoughts on what? Something wasn't right for him and he bailed. At least he had the manners to tell you and not just disappear.

magicmushroom

It's a bit weird...he ended things because 'he never expected to like you so much' - what is he looking for, a relationship with someone he isn't very in to?

I feel bad for you OP, it's rare to meet someone you have a genuine connection with and becomes harder as we get older!

One thing I will say is that (from experience) a year is not very long to be separated and he might not be completely healed from the split.
I don't mean he may still have feelings for the ex, but maybe he was hurt by her and hasn't totally recovered.
So he may be scared of falling in love again and end up going through another heartbreak.

You never know, he might go away and have a think and make contact again...just leave him be and see what happens.

Sorry to hear that you're feeling sad, try and arrange something to do this weekend so you're not sitting around thinking about it.
Hope you're feeling better soon...it's his loss

duffman13

A little credit that he was honest with you, most likely he developed feelings a bit too quickly and decided he's not ready to open himself up so much too quickly. Give him a bit of space and time. He's got baggage he needs to work through, if he is really that into you he will contact you again and will be in a better position to begin a relationship, if your still available that is.

Shrap

Thoughts? Yes, I have them!

Maybe a little perspective for you OP. When I separated from my husband, I got involved with a man within a year and it was super fun at first - great connection (we're still good friends actually) and very easy going for the first month, and very much on the same wavelength. After that, I noticed in myself that I was becoming very attached, needy, worried and upset and felt a bit unbalanced. I started to realise that I was having very intense feelings for someone I'd just met, and on analysing the situation, realised that I was having an equal and opposite reaction to what had been lacking in my marriage. So although leaving my ex had felt like no loss for me at the time, what came up when I met someone nice was the actual loss I had been experiencing and hurting about all through my marriage.

It terrified the sh1t out of me, and I was totally taken aback by the intensity of my feelings. I told him this and said I was very very sorry, but I was not able to handle a relationship at that time - which he understood. It took two more years before I felt able to let love in, when it wasn't so overwhelming and wasn't any more related to the absence of love in that previous relationship.

LOLA08

If a guy really likes you nothing will stand in his way of being with you. regardless of whatever obstacles are in his way, would he really risk losing you if he really was so intense about you.
If he not around you, he's not interested in you. as they say
if in doubt get out. i would be completely wrong, just a thought.

Shrap

LOLA08 wrote: »

If he not around you, he's not interested in you. as they say

What if he realised that the intensity of his feelings coming on so strongly were all wrong? Like in my experience, I had real feelings for the guy (which took a while to get over, but I'd caught it in time) but it wasn't a good start to a balanced relationship if they were due in part to a huge over reaction to what I had spent years missing out on in my previous relationship. It wouldn't have been fair on him or wise to be having such mixed emotions and being unable to separate them rationally at the time, as some of those feelings had nothing to do with him. If the guy told her he was terrified and had intense feelings, my suspicion is that it all came flooding in for him just like happened me, and he needs to not go there right now.

I think he's been honest, and has realised his limits before letting it all go any further. To my mind, it was just bad timing really OP.

kylith

Either he realised that he isn't ready for an intense relationship so soon after the breakup of his marriage, or he isn't actually separated and decided not to pursue your relationship any further and risk his marriage. It's impossible to know which, so just accept that it was him, not you and move on

Merkin

Are you sure he is actually separated OP?

silverbolt

SATSUMA wrote: »

I met an amazing guy. We went out a couple of times and it went so well. We felt like we had known each other years. Anyway, turns out he's separated just under a year. I was fine with that. Next thing he does a complete 360; he never expected to like me so much etc he doesn't know what he wants...

Basically he's terrified and now wants to cease all contact.

I'm not sure why he's so intense after just a couple of dates but I think it's genuinely because we had that amazing connection straight off. (We are in our mid 30's)

Obviously I won't contact him. I'm really sad though.

Thoughts? I've never dated a person who has separated before.

Thanks 😢

It does happen OP. You meet and for whatever reason all of a sudden there is stupidly intense feelings develop. And yeah its frightening as hell. If he is just out of a messy separation then he is still settling from it. And developing intense emotional attachment is likely to send him running for the hills.

But you can still be there if you both want it. You just need to tone it down a bit between the two of you.

shamrock2004

Shrap wrote: »

I started to realise that I was having very intense feelings for someone I'd just met, and on analysing the situation, realised that I was having an equal and opposite reaction to what had been lacking in my marriage. So although leaving my ex had felt like no loss for me at the time, what came up when I met someone nice was the actual loss I had been experiencing and hurting about all through my marriage.

This is one of the most confusing things I've ever read. I've re-read it several times and can't assimilate what on earth this means.

mud

shamrock2004 wrote: »

This is one of the most confusing things I've ever read. I've re-read it several times and can't assimilate what on earth this means.

It means that the ****ness of her marriage made it easy to leave but then meeting someone nice made her remember all the things that had been lacking in her marriage and she had to grieve her loss.

That's my take on it anyway.

silverbolt

shamrock2004 wrote: »

This is one of the most confusing things I've ever read. I've re-read it several times and can't assimilate what on earth this means.

it means she was more unhappy in her marriage than she realised and when she found someone nice it just made her realise just how much had been wrong in the first place.

It happens as well with people who have suffered abuse. When they find someone who does treat them in the correct manner it can frighten them to know how just how right they can be treated.

Shrap

shamrock2004 wrote: »

This is one of the most confusing things I've ever read. I've re-read it several times and can't assimilate what on earth this means.

Oops! Sorry for the confusion. Was somewhat jumbled now I look again The two explanations after your post have it spot on though, so not everyone was confused at least.