Bad decisions

lelo100

So I went out with a guy for ten months.i was thirty and he was a few years younger. I am a smart good looking girl but I just feel for this guy. On paper he's a great catch a really nice guy. But he was treating me pretty crap. Meeting me when suited and I suspect texting other girls behind my back. Anyway fast forward I got pregnant after ten months. This is totally out of character for me. I'm intelligent from a good family pretty could have had anyone. Anyway years on I've a beautiful two year old who I adore and wouldn't change for the world but I just can't stop beating myself up for letting myself get into such a bad relationship with that guy. How could I have been so stupid. And then to go and get pregnant as well. What was I thinking?

silverbolt

Stop focusing on what happened. IT cant change anything and it wont resolve anything.

You have a good life and a happy child - enjoy it

Shrap

lelo100 wrote: »

So I went out with a guy for ten months.i was thirty and he was a few years younger. I am a smart good looking girl but I just feel for this guy. On paper he's a great catch a really nice guy. But he was treating me pretty crap. Meeting me when suited and I suspect texting other girls behind my back. Anyway fast forward I got pregnant after ten months. This is totally out of character for me. I'm intelligent from a good family pretty could have had anyone. Anyway years on I've a beautiful two year old who I adore and wouldn't change for the world but I just can't stop beating myself up for letting myself get into such a bad relationship with that guy. How could I have been so stupid. And then to go and get pregnant as well. What was I thinking?

If it's any help, I know the feeling of failing to recognise myself as the person who made such a poor decision about my life as to get into a relationship and pregnant with the wrong guy and/or to chose being a single parent. It can be a tough one to reconcile with yourself, in spite of not regretting the outcome of your beautiful child.

I'm intelligent too, and from a good family. Most people are! But this doesn't stop us from being capable of fcuking up in a big way. Was there something about your intelligence, your good family and your thinking that you could have had your pick of men that makes you think you're more immune than others to the unexpected?

I personally would take this as a great lesson that none of us are any better than the next person at living a "perfect" life - one which, as you grow more sympathy towards others who have made unwary/poor choices, will help you have some more sympathy for yourself.

lelo100

Shrap wrote: »

If it's any help, I know the feeling of failing to recognise myself as the person who made such a poor decision about my life as to get into a relationship and pregnant with the wrong guy and/or to chose being a single parent. It can be a tough one to reconcile with yourself, in spite of not regretting the outcome of your beautiful child.

I'm intelligent too, and from a good family. Most people are! But this doesn't stop us from being capable of fcuking up in a big way. Was there something about your intelligence, your good family and your thinking that you could have had your pick of men that makes you think you're more immune than others to the unexpected?

I personally would take this as a great lesson that none of us are any better than the next person at living a "perfect" life - one which, as you grow more sympathy towards others who have made unwary/poor choices, will help you have some more sympathy for yourself.

Ya I guess I'm the only one of my friends who really made poor choices. They made good choices in men, got married and then had kids. I on the other hand just ****ed up my life. I just feel like a failure and an idiot. It's funny I wouldn't look down on anyone else like that. I guess I'm hardest on myself. I'm lucky to have my little child. He is gorgeous and just perfect. If I could get my own life back on track it'd be great.

HelgaWard

I think you are being really hard on yourself. It can be tough when you have high expectations for yourself, and believe there is a 'right' way to do things, and then life takes over. As the saying goes there is more than one way to skin a cat. You just have to take a look at some of the other posts in Relationship Issues to see how many really unhappy people out there who have had long relationships, got married had kids ie followed the traditional route, but this not necessarily lead to happiness. You are where you are, I think you need to forgive yourself for your bad decisions. You have not ****ed up your whole life.

You are also blessed to be the mother of your son. Be thankful for what you have. Don't give up hope on finding true love, lots of people have a child from an unsuccessful relationship and go on to marry and have more children with a new partner.
Go easy on yourself and be happy.

LegacyUser

In what way have you ****ed up your life? You met someone who turned out not to be so great for you, lots of us have done that. You got pregnant and had a baby. Again, lots of people have done that and lots wish they could when they can't. If that's all there is to it, I really can't see how this amounts to you being a failure or anything else worth beating yourself up about. In fact, if that was the full extent of my "failings" in life, I'd be bored to death long ago.

Is there something more to it? Are people around you making you feel bad about it? Have you irretrievably lost a career or educational opportunities or friendships or family life or suffered any other loss or trauma as a result of what are otherwise very normal life events?

jon1981

Hi OP,

I'm assuming 2 yrs on you are not with the same guy? If not I think you need to look at all your positives. As a guy, and most certainly in this day and age I would not be looking down on any woman in your situation and with your qualities.

You have not said what elements of your life you feel bad about or off track? Is this just general regret or is there some area you feel held back?

silverharp

HelgaWard wrote: »

I think you are being really hard on yourself. It can be tough when you have high expectations for yourself, and believe there is a 'right' way to do things, and then life takes over. As the saying goes there is more than one way to skin a cat. You just have to take a look at some of the other posts in Relationship Issues to see how many really unhappy people out there who have had long relationships, got married had kids ie followed the traditional route, but this not necessarily lead to happiness. You are where you are, I think you need to forgive yourself for your bad decisions. You have not ****ed up your whole life.

You are also blessed to be the mother of your son. Be thankful for what you have. Don't give up hope on finding true love, lots of people have a child from an unsuccessful relationship and go on to marry and have more children with a new partner.
Go easy on yourself and be happy.

I disagree a little in that there are right ways to go about things and that give you the best chance to deal with all the random other stuff that might happen. All my friends that have kids seemed to do things in a similar way , meet their other half a few years out of college and married by 30. I don't want to know the op's story but the questions I'd ask assuming she wanted to be married and have kids are , why was she not married already? At 30 and still having the possibility of a few failed relationships before finding Mr right seems risky? Was she only dating for fun through her 20's? Or otherwise have unrealistic standards so was never likely to meet the right guy.
Again not getting at the op just at the idea that everything depends on luck. It was like the other thread a few days ago with the lady that dated the guy for 10 years but only met at weekends? Did somebody not tap her on the shoulder after 4 or 5 years and put her straight?

jon1981

Sorry, do we know she is in her 30s? Few assumptions being made here.

I do agree that if the OP is only willing to settle for the cream of the crop in terms of high standards, I would imagine that is harder as that lot of men have a world of options open to them when it comes to women. While I did say I personally wouldn't find it a problem, I didn't mean all men wouldn't.

I'd like to understand more where the OP is feeling off track when it comes to life.

lelo100

jon1981 wrote: »

Hi OP,

I'm assuming 2 yrs on you are not with the same guy? If not I think you need to look at all your positives. As a guy, and most certainly in this day and age I would not be looking down on any woman in your situation and with your qualities.

You have not said what elements of your life you feel bad about or off track? Is this just general regret or is there some area you feel held back?

Ah I'm just feeling really lonely. I've had the flu this week and I'm on my own with my son so it's been hard. I'm just feeling isolated. I'd love to meet a nice man and it's not happening so I guess I'm just down about everything.

jon1981

lelo100 wrote: »

Ah I'm just feeling really lonely. I've had the flu this week and I'm on my own with my son so it's been hard. I'm just feeling isolated. I'd love to meet a nice man and it's not happening so I guess I'm just down about everything.

I understand loneliness can make a person feel upset and create alot of negativity within you. But tell me, Is it not happening because you can't socialise? no time? Are you working or full time mother? Can you get out to the gym/running club...etc? Have you opportunities to "put yourself out there"

HelgaWard

jon1981 wrote: »

Sorry, do we know she is in her 30s?

Yes we do:

lelo100 wrote: »

So I went out with a guy for ten months.i was thirty and he was a few years younger.

And yes you are making a few assumptions!!!

jon1981 wrote: »

I do agree that if the OP is only willing to settle for the cream of the crop in terms of high standards

lelo100

HelgaWard wrote: »

Yes we do:


And yes you are making a few assumptions!!!

I've met a few guys. But i guess it didn't work with them. I'm not looking for the cream of the crop. I'm just looking for a nice guy with a job who would treat me and my child well and I have some sort of an attraction to. He doesn't have to have to be working in a big job just have somethin steady I guess. And there has to be a connection. I've had two guys I met for 4/5 dates. One dumped me and I dumped the other as he told me some lies and I felt I couldn't trust him. The reason I wasn't married by thirty was because I'd went out with a guy fro four years in my late 20's had planned on marrying him and he let me down.

lelo100

lelo100 wrote: »

I've met a few guys. But i guess it didn't work with them. I'm not looking for the cream of the crop. I'm just looking for a nice guy with a job who would treat me and my child well and I have some sort of an attraction to. He doesn't have to have to be working in a big job just have somethin steady I guess. And there has to be a connection. I've had two guys I met for 4/5 dates. One dumped me and I dumped the other as he told me some lies and I felt I couldn't trust him. The reason I wasn't married by thirty was because I'd went out with a guy fro four years in my late 20's had planned on marrying him and he let me down.

Also I've a huge fear of getting into a bad relationship again.

Hemerodrome

OP, two things that might help your thread along: firstly, you can reply without quoting a poster, as you seem to be replying to posts when you're not directly addressing them. Secondly, maybe you could say what the actual issue is. You started with regret at bad decisions, but that seems to have morphed into wanting to meet a man. Meeting someone won't address your original issue and addressing that issue won't make you meet someone, though you might feel more ready if you do. So what is it you're trying to say and ask?

Shrap

lelo100 wrote: »

Ya I guess I'm the only one of my friends who really made poor choices. They made good choices in men, got married and then had kids.

....and?......so? When the sh1t hits the fan (as it will among one or two of your friend at least), who are they going to turn to for advice? The friends who never made any mistakes or the friends who did, accepted they did and learned something from it?

I find it a bit harsh on people who have found that their lives went in ways they didn't initially envisage to say you "fcuked up your life". In fact, to say that almost belittles people who's lives are so much harder than your's.

I do understand the lonely feeling when you're a bit down and having to cope by yourself with parenting (which, let's face it, is SO much easier with someone to share the job, or at least support you in it). Still though - you're doing yourself no favours by comparing yourself to those who "got it right", or aligning yourself with those who "got it wrong". Who are you to say who got it right? Who are they? You don't know what goes on behind closed doors OP. Could be you're having it as good or better than most of your friends.

Life is not over as a single parent. Granted, it's harder to get out and meet people. It's less easy to meet someone you "click" with because it's not just you anymore that needs to click, it's a package deal. But it can and will happen. Did for me (age 39 at the time, I admit!) and before I met the right bloke, I had my fun times with being available, even with TWO kids! Live life as it comes OP. There's no hurry.

silverbolt

lelo100 wrote: »

I've met a few guys. But i guess it didn't work with them. I'm not looking for the cream of the crop. I'm just looking for a nice guy with a job who would treat me and my child well and I have some sort of an attraction to. He doesn't have to have to be working in a big job just have somethin steady I guess. And there has to be a connection. I've had two guys I met for 4/5 dates. One dumped me and I dumped the other as he told me some lies and I felt I couldn't trust him. The reason I wasn't married by thirty was because I'd went out with a guy fro four years in my late 20's had planned on marrying him and he let me down.

There are decent people out there. Granted you ahve to look harder than you would want.
But there are still decent ones out there, even for a mother in her 30s.

OP, your not a failure. You made the hard choice and you have a perfect little man in regards to it. That in no way makes you a failure. He's warm and fed with a roof over his head - so your winning there.

Ursus Horribilis

I hope you're feeling better and that you don't feel as down now. I've seen your recent threads on boards and you come across as a woman who's panicking and desperate to meet a man. Just before Christmas you were asking about dating a 26 year old man. Because you are this stressed about not meeting a man, you're in prime position to make bad decisions.

lelo100

Thanks everyone so much for the replies. I had a hard few days as I hadn't seen any adults for days as I was sick. Now I'm back in the land of the living life doesn't seem so bleak. I can be grateful again for all that I have. Thank you all so much for your support.

HelgaWard

Glad to hear you are feeling better, finding I've a touch of the January Blues myself! And I wasn't even sick. Take care of yourself.

silverbolt

lelo100 wrote: »

Thanks everyone so much for the replies. I had a hard few days as I hadn't seen any adults for days as I was sick. Now I'm back in the land of the living life doesn't seem so bleak. I can be grateful again for all that I have. Thank you all so much for your support.

Thats great news, glad your feeling better.

HelgaWard wrote: »

Glad to hear you are feeling better, finding I've a touch of the January Blues myself! And I wasn't even sick. Take care of yourself.

Think a lot of us are down that route atm.