One sided friendship

TG1

So this is probably a bit petty, but its going on so long that it's really starting to get to me.

I have a friend, and we get on well. We went to college together, and really got on when we were seeing each other every day. Then we both got jobs in different counties and the cracks started to show.

She would ring every second day, but instead of a conversation it was an hour of her problems and dramas. This went on for about a year, I got annoyed occasionally and just made up some excuse and hung up, and any time she was back home we would meet and it would be fine.

Then I lost a job and she was great, so supportive through it all, ringing, sending jobs, coming to visit etc. and she was so excited when my new job was in the same county as her.

But then I moved and only saw her once in about 12 weeks. The once was when she got bad work related news and I drove out to her place after work for tea and chats and to listen to the drama. Every weekend she was off on a date or going home or going out with the work gang.

Then I had a serious accident and she was fantastic again, ringing me and visiting me in the hospital, and generally being there for me.

The minute I got out it was back to her issues though. I'm two months on from the accident now, and still not back in my house, not back working and not back walking unaided. And I'm still getting her hour long drama list. It's currently a health issue, which I don't mind listening to but last night I saw red as I was on to her for 35 mins about her health issue and not once did she ask how the call to my boss to update her on my situation went. She knew I was dreading it as I'd sent her a whatsapp asking her opinion on how to phrase things. I got no reply, but she read the message.

So now I'm fed up, annoyed and avoiding her calls because I feel like it's just all about her all the time, but I know when I really needed people she was the first one their so I don't want to let the friendship go. Should I say something to her, or just avoid her for a week and pick up where we left off once I've calmed down like we have been for the last few years?

Shrap

TG1 wrote: »

So now I'm fed up, annoyed and avoiding her calls because I feel like it's just all about her all the time, but I know when I really needed people she was the first one their so I don't want to let the friendship go. Should I say something to her, or just avoid her for a week and pick up where we left off once I've calmed down like we have been for the last few years?

Interestingly, your story doesn't come across as being all about her all the time OP. In fact, there were times a plenty when it was all about you, yes? I can count two major times that you've described, that presumably went on for more than a few calls. As you say, when you needed a friend, she was the first there.

It does seem a bit one-sided alright. From your description, it appears she always calls you? Why don't you call her and bend her ear about your job issue this time, instead of waiting for her to have an issue again and call you about it first?

Friends are sometimes a pain in the arse, but who else would you want to know all your problems eh?! I know full well I've bent my best friend's ear to the point where it nearly fell off, in years gone by, and she's done the very same to me. When neither of us have a problem, we'll make one up for god's sake! I'd miss that relationship so badly if it was gone, and I reckon you would too.

Mayboy

Hi

You both sound you have problems having a healthy as opposed to a co-dependent relationship/ friendship. Might be best to chalk it down to experience and start a healthy friendship not based on venting or over-sharing?

TG1

Shrap wrote: »

It does seem a bit one-sided alright. From your description, it appears she always calls you? Why don't you call her and bend her ear about your job issue this time, instead of waiting for her to have an issue again and call you about it first?

On this point, it's an hour long call every second day, I already speak to her more than I do to my family or more than I did to my last boyfriend! That's why I don't call her!

But I see your point that she has been there for the big things, but I feel like I'm there for her ingrown toenails and her drunken kisses and her emails to the wrong partner, and the only time she's stopped and thought about me is when I lost a job and when I suffered a major injury which is why I'm getting fed up of the whole thing!

She's a very intense person, and the calls are draining at the moment, as I'm not 100% and I'm finding it very tough to listen to her bang on about her allergy to cats while I'm learning to walk again I suppose.

But like I said, I don't want to give up on her altogether as we do get on for whatever reason so Im hoping someone might shed a bit of light on how to approach the subject, or to just hope it blows over.

Saipanne

TG1 wrote: »

So this is probably a bit petty, but its going on so long that it's really starting to get to me.

I have a friend, and we get on well. We went to college together, and really got on when we were seeing each other every day. Then we both got jobs in different counties and the cracks started to show.

She would ring every second day, but instead of a conversation it was an hour of her problems and dramas. This went on for about a year, I got annoyed occasionally and just made up some excuse and hung up, and any time she was back home we would meet and it would be fine.

Then I lost a job and she was great, so supportive through it all, ringing, sending jobs, coming to visit etc. and she was so excited when my new job was in the same county as her.

But then I moved and only saw her once in about 12 weeks. The once was when she got bad work related news and I drove out to her place after work for tea and chats and to listen to the drama. Every weekend she was off on a date or going home or going out with the work gang.

Then I had a serious accident and she was fantastic again, ringing me and visiting me in the hospital, and generally being there for me.

The minute I got out it was back to her issues though. I'm two months on from the accident now, and still not back in my house, not back working and not back walking unaided. And I'm still getting her hour long drama list. It's currently a health issue, which I don't mind listening to but last night I saw red as I was on to her for 35 mins about her health issue and not once did she ask how the call to my boss to update her on my situation went. She knew I was dreading it as I'd sent her a whatsapp asking her opinion on how to phrase things. I got no reply, but she read the message.

So now I'm fed up, annoyed and avoiding her calls because I feel like it's just all about her all the time, but I know when I really needed people she was the first one their so I don't want to let the friendship go. Should I say something to her, or just avoid her for a week and pick up where we left off once I've calmed down like we have been for the last few years?

It is one sided. But not in the direction you think.

Knasher

TG1 wrote: »

She's a very intense person, and the calls are draining at the moment, as I'm not 100% and I'm finding it very tough to listen to her bang on about her allergy to cats while I'm learning to walk again I suppose.

Well it might be that she doesn't want to keep going on too much about your illness, that she doesn't want to treat you as a patient instead of as a friend.

TG1

Knasher wrote: »

Well it might be that she doesn't want to keep going on too much about your illness, that she doesn't want to treat you as a patient instead of as a friend.

I'd love to think this but the hour long calls about her have been happening for years when I've had just as trivial issues going on that haven't got a look in.

I don't think I'm really explaining this well by the reactions, but I really want a bit of advice as to how to approach the issue of the fact that I feel more like an anonymous counselling phone service than one part of a two way friendship!

retro:electro

So what exactly do you want then? For the first ten mins of the conversation to always be about you and your illness? Well that's still one sided isn't it. Just because she isn't ill doesn't mean she doesn't have problems, and quite frankly calling them "dramatics" is quite patronising to her problems and insulting; I'm sure they're important to her. She sounds like a great friend when she needs to be and when times are tough, I can't fathom why you'd even entertain the notion of dropping her.

TG1

anna080 wrote: »

So what exactly do you want then? For the first ten mins of the conversation to always be about you and your illness? Well that's still one sided isn't it. Just because she isn't ill doesn't mean she doesn't have problems, and quite frankly calling them "dramatics" is quite patronising to her problems and insulting; I'm sure they're important to her.

No, I want to get a word in occasionally! I don't think that's a big ask! And I never mentioned dropping her, I specifically said I didnt want to and am looking for advice on how to have a conversation to fix the friendship!

LeeLooLee

I don't agree at all that you are the problem. It sounds like she's using you as a sounding board or someone to offload onto. I don't see how it matters much that she rings every other day if it's just to talk about herself. I also think it is insensitive to bang on about something trivial when your friend has had something serious happen. One of my best friend's partner died recently and I do make sure not to moan about trivial things because it's just insensitive. I know he'll be thinking 'jeez, she's moaning about her sinus issues again and I've just lost my partner and things will never be the same." It's not that I can never talk about myself, but I do try to limit the moaning and remember that he'd happily take on 100 of my problems at the moment if he could have his partner back. That's just being a sensitive, decent friend in my eyes. I've also had the friend who bangs on about dramatics - situations which are almost always of her own making like sleeping with her boss or choosing to get a weird tattoo. It is frustrating to listen to that over and over again when none of your advice is ever taken on board, and when they never take an interest in your problems and issues. If you feel like an anonymous counselling service, then you need to tell her that. She might not realise how much she goes on about herself and how hurtful it is to you. It's an awkward conversation to have, but these one-way friendships are really draining.

LegacyUser

If I had a friend who was there for me at times of real need and happy for me at times of success in return all I had to do was listen along to a bit of gossip and craic and offer a bit of sympathy, I'd count myself extremely lucky.

TG1

Guessed wrote: »

If I had a friend who was there for me at times of real need and happy for me at times of success in return all I had to do was listen along to a bit of gossip and craic and offer a bit of sympathy, I'd count myself extremely lucky.

But my issue is she's not. She's there for the really huge things that she can't avoid, but she's not there for the I'm feeling a bit down moments or the I'm stressed over work moments or the my sister is sick moments or the I got drunk and made a fool of myself moments, because they're small enough that they can escape her radar as she goes on and on about herself.

It's not a bit of gossip, I'm not joking when I say it's an hour phone call every second day, last night was about how the self proclaimed animal hater can now never have a cat.....

As I said I'm actually looking for constructive advice on how to have a chat with her as I don't want to lose her as a friend but at the moment have enough on my plate and need a bit of an ear myself, but I don't get a chance to tell her why because when I start to talk she talks over me to change the subject!

TG1

LeeLooLee wrote: »

She might not realise how much she goes on about herself and how hurtful it is to you. It's an awkward conversation to have, but these one-way friendships are really draining.

Thanks a million, yes that's the problem I think. She's never really been the most aware of other people and I've had to have conversations in the past with her about other friends in the group as she's been inclined to be quite dismissive of their issues, ie exam stress and money problems, and she was genuinely surprised that she was being insensitive. I'm the closest to her in the group so I always took her aside after she had particularly upset someone and I usually had to explain why they were upset.

I've just never had to point it out with regard to myself before because I've usually been happy enough to let her slide, but at the moment I just have too much on my plate to be a sounding board for her every second night.

Taboola

LeeLooLee wrote: »

She might not realise how much she goes on about herself and how hurtful it is to you. It's an awkward conversation to have, but these one-way friendships are really draining.

The OP doesn't seem to realise this about herself either.

TG1

Taboola wrote: »

The OP doesn't seem to realise this about herself either.

I'm not sure how I go on about myself in the hour long conversations when the only words I get in are Yeh and ok....?

Taboola

TG1 wrote: »

I'm not sure how I go on about myself in the hour long conversations when the only words I get in are Yeh and ok....?

So you're saying you never have a conversation with her where her answers are Yeh and OK?

TG1

Taboola wrote: »

So you're saying you never have a conversation with her where her answers are Yeh and OK?

Not since I got out of hospital 2 months ago, the calls are literally monologues about her. I'm not posting this for the craic I really need to figure out how to fix our friendship, or I will give up and stop answering the phone which is not what I want. Hence why I'm looking for constructive advice and not opinions on me!

retro:electro

TG1 wrote: »

Not since I got out of hospital 2 months ago, the calls are literally monologues about her. I'm not posting this for the craic I really need to figure out how to fix our friendship, or I will give up and stop answering the phone which is not what I want. Hence why I'm looking for constructive advice and not opinions on me!

And maybe when you're talking about your illness and your progress all her answers are "yeah" and "okay".
To be honest it sounds to me like you have bad conversational skills, I mean even if she was literally motor mouth and never let you get a word in you should be able to muster up more than an occasional "yeah". It sounds like you aren't able to converse unless the conversation is about you.

TG1

anna080 wrote: »

And maybe when you're talking about your illness and your progress all her answers are "yeah" and "okay".
To be honest it sounds to me like you have bad conversational skills, I mean even if she was literally motor mouth and never let you get a word in you should be able to muster up more than an occasional "yeah". It sounds like you aren't able to converse unless the conversation is about you.

I haven't talked about my injury my job my anything because I can't get a word in! I'm not sure how much clearer I can be on this point. I will start to answer something she's said and she will cut over and keep talking!!

retro:electro

TG1 wrote: »

I haven't talked about my injury my job my anything because I can't get a word in! I'm not sure how much clearer I can be on this point. I will start to answer something she's said and she will cut over and keep talking!!

Well then say "why are you talking over me?"

LeeLooLee

anna080 wrote: »

And maybe when you're talking about your illness and your progress all her answers are "yeah" and "okay".
To be honest it sounds to me like you have bad conversational skills, I mean even if she was literally motor mouth and never let you get a word in you should be able to muster up more than an occasional "yeah". It sounds like you aren't able to converse unless the conversation is about you.

You must never have had a friend like this. Some people literally just cut you off mid-sentence so they can continue with their rant. If you do manage to get a whole sentence out, their eyes glaze over as they wait for you to finish so they can continue talking about themselves. I have no idea why you think the OP is self-centred because I'm not seeing that at all. I'm seeing someone who is fed up of being used as a sounding board. OP seems self aware to me and she has recognised that her friend was there for her when she was ill, but it's draining when someone just talks AT you. All the time.

Koptain Liverpool

TG1 wrote: »

Thanks a million, yes that's the problem I think. She's never really been the most aware of other people and I've had to have conversations in the past with her about other friends in the group as she's been inclined to be quite dismissive of their issues, ie exam stress and money problems, and she was genuinely surprised that she was being insensitive. I'm the closest to her in the group so I always took her aside after she had particularly upset someone and I usually had to explain why they were upset.

I've just never had to point it out with regard to myself before because I've usually been happy enough to let her slide, but at the moment I just have too much on my plate to be a sounding board for her every second night.

Make up your mind would you. In your original post you list numerous times that she helped you out in times of need. Instead of clinging to the one response which took your side a bit you'd be better advised to consider all the other responses which suggest that it seems like you yourself are the needy one here.

LegacyUser

I think you are all being very hard on the OP and obviously have never had a friend like this.

OP, your friend obviously loves your big dramas (maybe because she can talk to other people about them) which is why she gets involved in those ones but anything else probably goes beneath her radar. I have a friend like that who literally starts talking the minute I meet her about all her problems and everybody elses problems and I rarely get to talk to her about myself. If I do start, it reminds her of something similar happening to herself or somebody else & she's off again talking about that.

OP it's very hard to explain it to somebody like that as I really don't think they realise they're doing it. You could try to say that you feel you don't really get to talk properly to her on a two way basis but I think it'll fall on deaf ears, based on my friend anyway. You might just have to put up with it unfortunately and maybe not be available to take her phone calls all the time!

TG1

LeeLooLee wrote: »

You must never have had a friend like this. Some people literally just cut you off mid-sentence so they can continue with their rant. If you do manage to get a whole sentence out, their eyes glaze over as they wait for you to finish so they can continue talking about themselves. I have no idea why you think the OP is self-centred because I'm not seeing that at all. I'm seeing someone who is fed up of being used as a sounding board. OP seems self aware to me and she has recognised that her friend was there for her when she was ill, but it's draining when someone just talks AT you. All the time.

I think you've summed up what I've been trying to say all along!

retro:electro

TG1 why don't you ask her why is she interpreting you and to let you finish? I asked you that and you never replied. Tbh I think you're exaggerating the facts here. I just don't see how she could be talking away so much as to not even let you get one word in

TG1

Koptain Liverpool wrote: »

Make up your mind would you. In your original post you list numerous times that she helped you out in times of need. Instead of clinging to the one response which took your side a bit you'd be better advised to consider all the other responses which suggest that it seems like you yourself are the needy one here.

There's nothing to make up my mind about! I was stating that as a justification for why I want constructive advice on fixing this instead of just ignoring the girl!

I'm not needy in the slightest, I'm a person who is happy for friends to suit themselves and have many friends from years ago that we just drift in and out of each other's lives without an issue.

This friend is the one calling every night, this friend is the one taking up my time and energy and this friend is the one creating dramas out of cat allergies despite hating cats.

Why I'm posting is to find a diplomatic way to say we could talk every three days and still be friends! I am not the needy one in this equation! I have been there for every single hangnail and misspelled email drama for the girl!

TG1

anna080 wrote: »

TG1 why don't you ask her why is she interpreting you and to let you finish? I asked you that and you never replied. Tbh I think you're exaggerating the facts here. I just don't see how she could be talking away so much as to not even let you get one word in

Absoloutly not exaggerating. I wouldn't be posting if this wasn't a major issue that I need advice on.

Why I won't just straight up ask is because you need to treat the girl with kid gloves. She gets really angry if she thinks you're critisising her. This is probably due to some issues with her family so I understand it, but its hard to get round. Like I've said I have it to a fine art pointing out when she's talked through and belittled someone else's problems and upset them, but it involves weeks of persuasion to bring her round.

I don't have the time or energy for weeks of persuasion or a giant blow up at the mo.

retro:electro

You're not criticising her by asking her not to interrupt you

Fluorescence

You say you've had to pull her aside a few times after she's unintentionally dismissed/offended a mutual friend. Could you ask such a friend to return the favour? No harm in calling one in at this stage to be fair. It can be absolutely exhausting to have such a friend, even when they are such a great friend in other ways. You don't really want to lose one who has really proven herself in your moments of true need.

Alternatively, some nights when she rings, you could just say you're not up for the call right now due to pain etc, and ring her yourself the following day instead. Don't be afraid to assert some space!

Best of luck anyway, I hope it all works out for you two

TG1

anna080 wrote: »

You're not criticising her by asking her not to interrupt you

Yes I know that but like I said, she's very sensitive to anything like that being said, and you need to find ways around these issues to avoid a huge blow up.

TG1

Fluorescence wrote: »

You say you've had to pull her aside a few times after she's unintentionally dismissed/offended a mutual friend. Could you ask such a friend to return the favour? No harm in calling one in at this stage to be fair. It can be absolutely exhausting to have such a friend, even when they are such a great friend in other ways. You don't really want to lose one who has really proven herself in your moments of true need.

Alternatively, some nights when she rings, you could just say you're not up for the call right now due to pain etc, and ring her yourself the following day instead. Don't be afraid to assert some space!

Best of luck anyway, I hope it all works out for you two

Thanks! I hadn't thought of asking someone else to say it! I'm not sure they'll take it on but it's worth a try!

Knasher

TG1 wrote: »

Why I'm posting is to find a diplomatic way to say we could talk every three days and still be friends!

What happens if you cut her short. If she rings you, and you tell her straight off the bat that you can only chat for 5 minutes, as you're just about to do something. Or if you want a more even dialog, tell her you'll ring her back in an hour because there was something you wanted to discuss anyway?

I don't think there is a diplomatic way to say that's how you want the friendship to proceed, but I certainly think it is possible to shape the friendship into that.

TG1

Knasher wrote: »

What happens if you cut her short. If she rings you, and you tell her straight off the bat that you can only chat for 5 minutes, as you're just about to do something. Or if you want a more even dialog, tell her you'll ring her back in an hour because there was something you wanted to discuss anyway?

I don't think there is a diplomatic way to say that's how you want the friendship to proceed, but I certainly think it is possible to shape the friendship into that.

Any time I've gotten tired of it and made up some excuse to hang up before she decides I get a few days of silence and then a few very frosty messages until I apologise for hanging up. Which I always do because despite what the majority of posters have said on the thread I do value our friendship and I'm more fond of her than my pride!

This happens after me saying things like I have to go because I've just cooked my dinner or I have to go because someone's called to the door. She is really sensitive to any perceived slight and reacts to any percieved push back because she has a few family issues so it's hard to hold it against her but I'm reaching the end of my tether...

Rubberchikken

i had a work relationship with a person who could talk solidily for an hour and all i ahd to contribute was the odd 'yeah' 'really' or 'ok'. it drained the life out of me. initially i didn't see it happening, but as a natural listener, i found i was eventually, slowly sucked in. others in the same position would back away, say they were busy/heading off/whatever.

if you want things to change, op, you'll have to talk to your friend. it may damage the friendship, that's the chance you'll have to take.
she sounds like a good friend, there for the big things, but sometimes it's nice to have someone just ask and listen to the small, petty quibbles too.

good luck

PinkLemonade

TG1 wrote: »

Any time I've gotten tired of it and made up some excuse to hang up before she decides I get a few days of silence and then a few very frosty messages until I apologise for hanging up. Which I always do because despite what the majority of posters have said on the thread I do value our friendship and I'm more fond of her than my pride!

This happens after me saying things like I have to go because I've just cooked my dinner or I have to go because someone's called to the door. She is really sensitive to any perceived slight and reacts to any percieved push back because she has a few family issues so it's hard to hold it against her but I'm reaching the end of my tether...

There's your issue - why are you apologising? Leave the conversion when you want to and don't apologise - its the only way she'll understand that you don't want to be a doormat anymore.

Knasher

TG1 wrote: »

Any time I've gotten tired of it and made up some excuse to hang up before she decides I get a few days of silence and then a few very frosty messages until I apologise for hanging up. Which I always do because despite what the majority of posters have said on the thread I do value our friendship and I'm more fond of her than my pride!

This happens after me saying things like I have to go because I've just cooked my dinner or I have to go because someone's called to the door. She is really sensitive to any perceived slight and reacts to any percieved push back because she has a few family issues so it's hard to hold it against her but I'm reaching the end of my tether...

How do you think she would react if you didn't apologise? Let her be frosty but if you initiated contact yourself after a few days, and talked like normal people. I mean apologising for that, to me, sounds like you are telling her that you accept responsibility for not dropping everything whenever she calls. I'm sure it would be tense for a while, but do you think it would break the friendship, or would ye repair in a more balanced way?

TG1

Knasher wrote: »

How do you think she would react if you didn't apologise? Let her be frosty but if you initiated contact yourself after a few days, and talked like normal people. I mean apologising for that, to me, sounds like you are telling her that you accept responsibility for not dropping everything whenever she calls. I'm sure it would be tense for a while, but do you think it would break the friendship, or would ye repair in a more balanced way?

I don't know really what she would do, as I say I wait till I get the messages and then apologise to keep the peace because I'm all for an easy life with her but I suppose you're right, I'm sending the signal that it's alright for her to call the shots all the time...

Knasher

TG1 wrote: »

I don't know really what she would do, as I say I wait till I get the messages and then apologise to keep the peace because I'm all for an easy life with her but I suppose you're right, I'm sending the signal that it's alright for her to call the shots all the time...

Well I probably wouldn't wait. Again it sets the tone that even you being the slightest bit assertive is enough for a falling out. It would be better if she wasn't the one always initiating the conversation anyway, not that she gives you much of a chance to, but if she is always the one starting, then she is always leading.

If you be assertive, and she doesn't call you the next day, then you should call her the day after, I wouldn't really leave it any longer than that for now. But don't apologise or even pretend that there is anything to apologise for, just lead the conversation a bit, but you should talk about her too...

That's how I'd approach it anyway.