My mother is an alcoholic

LegacyUser

I've attempted to start this thread so many times but I'm half afraid to hear comments but I'm worn out and I need someone to give me the answer. My mother is an alcoholic, problem drinker, has issues with alcohol. I don't know exactly the right words but it's a big problem. She is not a bad person and I love her. When she is not drinking she is great but when she is....she's a nightmare.

I remember her drinking from when I was young (I'm in my 30s now). I can remember her crying on my bed or screaming at my dad while I pretended to be asleep. She doesn't drink in public just at home but she can't control how much she consumes or doesn't know when to stop so this will usually lead her to be abusive, falling or just passed out. I have grown up with this and I'm oddly used to it. She has always refused there was a problem or get help. In fact to anyone outside our immediate family you would have absolutely no idea what happens behind closed doors, she is a well known, well liked lady who would do anything for anyone.....that is why this is so heartbreaking. We as a family are crumbling, she has become very abusive towards my Dad who know lives with her on his own since my siblings and I have grown and moved out. She denies it all when confronted and complains that my Dad is hard to live with. Genuinely he's not, he's a gentle soul who loves a laugh.

We sat her down about five years ago and with as much love and compassion as we could, explained to her that she needed help and we were there for her. She agreed to change but point blank refused to go to a treatment centre or counselling "in case anyone knew her". We are not made of money but somehow we would have found a way to pay for what she needed. She seems more concerned with everyone else thinking she is perfect then waking up to the fact that she has destroyed her relationships with her family.

But again the daily cycle has returned: work, drink, eat, sleep then get up and pretend it never happened. But it is at the worst it ever has been, this past Christmas was special as we had just had a baby, my parents first grandchild. My Dad rang me at 10am Christmas morning to say he had come downstairs to find my mother passed out on the living room floor, she must have been drinking all night and fallen, nothing new and not even the first Christmas it had happened. We used to spend hours trying to get her to stop and put her to bed but it was useless and usually ended up in us getting called something. This Christmas was different as myself, my OH and our baby were on the way. Dad managed to get Mam to bed where she stayed for the day. She arrived down that evening as if nothing had happened all "hellos" and "happy Christmases". After this I contacted her doctor who agreed to see her and get her help. Myself, my siblings and Dad were all organised to sit her down and beg her to get help. 2 days before this was to happen she found a breast lump and we are awaiting the test results at the moment, so it was not the right time. The GP gave me advice about addiction treatment and a family support group but all this counted on my mother believing she has a problem. She doesn't believe it is a problem. It's everyone else with the problem.

The name calling and abuse toward to my Dad has taken its toll, I brought my baby over to them last week for dinner, Dad didn't cut the meat the way she wanted it and she started screaming at him. Yesterday, he called me in tears, my mother had called him stupid, useless the list goes on, she blames him for their financial woes and he has reached his breaking point, he has taken years of this. I'm glad he has now began to share this because he used to keep it to himself. I told him to leave and come to my house but my parents are in debt and so tied up financially that he is stuck, he simply has not got the money to start again in his 60s. If I had it or won the lotto, I would give it to him in a heartbeat. Where do we turn, both my parents need help, but I've become numb to my mothers plight, I know how horrible that sounds but I just can't anymore but it's my dad I want to help. I want him to just get away. He needs to build himself up again and walk away. But that's not the answer, my mother needs help somehow, I don't know how to get through to her, to make her realise she is killing herself and my Dad slowly.

Merkin

If her priority seems to be decorum and public perception would you perhaps record a few instances of her behaviour? So record her the next time she's screaming and shouting and record her lying splayed and incapacitated on the living room floor? You couldn't get more stark evidence then really. If I was at that carry on and had it replayed back to me I'd be so ashamed, maybe try that in the first instance?

intheclouds

Hi OP,
I grew up with an alcoholic father, much the same experiences as you describe. He DID destroy our family. Alcoholism is progressive so while what you describe is horrendous, it gets worse.

The simple answer is that you can't help her. She has to want to help herself. You need to all learn how to stop enabling her. For example, can your father visit you and the baby instead of exposing a small child to alcoholism in the home? I bet me even suggesting that has you thinking how you couldn't possibly hurt her by doing that, and therein lies your problem. She isn't worried about destroying you lot, so you need to stop worrying about upsetting her apple cart. For example, on Xmas day your father should have left her on the floor and gone and had Xmas dinner with you instead of helping her to bed and everyone playing along with the charade later. It's sounds mean, but being blunt is actually healthier for everyone.

Anyway, in terms of immediate constructive advice, read this:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/137214-alcoholism-merry-go-round-named-denial.html

Then start going to Alanon. Get the rest of your family to go to, but if they won't, go anyway. There you will learn the tools to cope with this awful scourge that is alcoholism.

Some alcoholics never recover. My father didn't. He died in an accident caused by his drinking that also killed my mother. Doctors thought he was in his 80s, he wasn't even 60. He completely destroyed himself, his family, lost jobs, health, friends etc... They were alone when they died having driven everyone away in the preceding decade or so.

It's not easy but Alanon really helps.

By the way the addiction is often stronger than love for family, and indeed love for oneself, but you can't control that.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. But you CAN help yourself. A lot of people I met in Alanon learned how to change their own behaviour and this brought about change in the alcoholic.

fineso.mom

I'd agree with Merkin. I'd also suggest that if your mother behaves badly in front of your child again (screaming at your dad )you simply get up and leave. She hasn't had to deal with consequences of her actions. For instance on Christmas day she came down late and acted like nothing happened. Perhaps if you had collected your dad and spent the day at your house ( taking dinner with you!) and your mother woke up to an empty house she might begin to see her behaviour is wrong.
You can't control her behaviour but maybe you can start showing her that it has consequences.
I know its not easy but associations like AlAnon can be a great help in dealing with a family member with an addiction .
I wish you all the best.

FalconGirl

OP your situation mirrors my situation. My mother is/was an abusive drunk who bullied us all but especially my dad who fell on hard times with the recession. We put out many cries for help and had interventions but to no avail.

She pities herself and called dad useless, no good and a b*stard amongst other things. She wasn't always like this and was a brilliant mam when we were growing up but all that suddenly changed about 10 years ago.

My Dad was a gentle man who was loved by everyone. My friends were his friends and would often call up just to see him. He was loved by all. He took his life last July and I have no doubt it was due to my mother telling him to kill himself as she has done in the past. As dad was lying still warm but dead on the floor as neighbours were going through every pub in town looking for her. Even when eventually found I was telling my mother he was dead she was laughing and calling him names.

Even now that he is gone from this world she is still drinking. Upon advice of councillors I have completely removed myself from her. She doesn't exist to me anymore. Her drinking over the years caused me damage I didn't even realise I had. I love her for bringing me into the world and bringing me up but my health was beginning to deteriorate with her due to anxiety and stress. She will not admit to herself and us that she is an alcoholic. That is enough for me.

Please OP, this resnonates so much with me, if I could go back again I would get my dad away from her. I told him to leave many times and he wouldn't. Dad turned 60 last December and had so much left to live. Me and my siblings, his brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, my friends, his friends are all left to pick up the pieces but to be honest the damage will stay with me for the rest of my life. The regrets I have everyday about not removing him from that toxic environment, I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Please our situation is very similar. I can provide and discuss in more detail. I've learned that its good to talk and not carry these burdens. <SNIP>Best of Luck.

LegacyUser

I am so, so sorry to read this. You will get a lot of comments here but unless people have an alcoholic within their family, in my experience they really do not and cannot understand.

My life has been very similar to yours, except a moment of breakthrough came when my mother punched me one Christmas as I attempted to help her up the lane home after she went to the pub with dad. After that, she did see there was a problem and sought help but there has been a series of relapses, the utmost selfish behaviour during recovery but I won't go into that because it's not relevant to your concern. Point is, it never ends.

Unless your mother can admit that there is a problem, even if she goes to a counsellor etc, it won't change her drinking. The change has to come from her own realisation. Threats like Merkin's suggestion above won't work because she will find a way to blame you instead of taking into account her own behaviour. In fact shaming someone is the wrong approach to going about this.

You have tried interventions, I'm so sorry she hasn't listened. Really the only thing you can do is establish boundaries in your own lives. She won't get help, so you have to help yourselves. It sounds horrible, and I am a 'fixer' so it has taken me many years to get to a position where I can actually say this is the only course of action you can take. When you put these boundaries into practice, tell your mother - tell her her drinking and associated moods have made you set up this boundary. E.g. 'I am not comfortable leaving a baby unsupervised in your presence because you are an alcoholic'.

It's awful, stifling and suffocating. In my family, dad is an 'enabler'. He still drinks in the house to this day and is one of those 'brush it under the carpet' types. It's great that your dad is opening up to you and I would say put as much energy into helping him as you can. If he needs to come and stay, have him over and tell your mother why. Calmly. Another point: is your mother employed? If she's a home maker and gets money from your dad for keep, and is buying alcohol with the money, then your dad is fully entitled to install a boundary to stop this. Whether this means you do the grocery shopping for him as favour - do anything to stop your mother acquiring alcohol easily. Speak about alcoholism in front of her. It is not a shame - it is a disease. Keep it calm. When I go for dinner with mum nowadays, she always pushes me to have a drink, for example. I would just say 'Having a drink in front of you is not supportive of your desire to stop drinking'. I try to make talk of alcohol as open and honest as possible.

Your mum may never seek help. Even with my own, as I said, there are relapses and a total lack of recognition of the hurt and pain her drinking causes. Patience, calmness and ultimately looking after yourself are the only thing you can do. Until your mum accepts she has a problem there's nothing more you can do.

Sending you love x

intheclouds

Merkin wrote: »

If her priority seems to be decorum and public perception would you perhaps record a few instances of her behaviour? So record her the next time she's screaming and shouting and record her lying splayed and incapacitated on the living room floor? You couldn't get more stark evidence then really. If I was at that carry on and had it replayed back to me I'd be so ashamed, maybe try that in the first instance?

It's hard to understand unless you have experienced it but the alcoholic is already ashamed of their behaviour, worse, they are ashamed of what they can't even remember.

Denial is really strong. If you video an alcoholic they will simply put another spin on it (they were sick, they were on medication), and can become really aggressive or put the guilts on to stop the intervention.

My father used to actually become really reasonable in that situation, he would agree with us, he would cry, beg forgiveness, promise to get help, and literally the second you walked away from him he pull out the bottle and go on a worse bender.

There really is no way that the OP can stop her mother. She can only help herself.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies and for sharing your own experiences. I feel a bit lighter this evening.

intheclouds wrote: »

The simple answer is that you can't help her. She has to want to help herself. You need to all learn how to stop enabling her. For example, can your father visit you and the baby instead of exposing a small child to alcoholism in the home? I bet me even suggesting that has you thinking how you couldn't possibly hurt her by doing that, and therein lies your problem. She isn't worried about destroying you lot, so you need to stop worrying about upsetting her apple cart. For example, on Xmas day your father should have left her on the floor and gone and had Xmas dinner with you instead of helping her to bed and everyone playing along with the charade later. It's sounds mean, but being blunt is actually healthier for everyone.

It really only dawned on me when I read what you said that we have all just enabled this to carry on and with little consequences. We almost carry on the charade with her in the hope someday it will get better I guess.

I have spoken alot about this with my partner and how much I want to protect my child from this. I never want my children to feel that awkward, uncomfortable feeling when as a child you know something is wrong. In hindsight I should have walked out of the house when she started at Dad that day at dinner. My baby should not witness alcoholism or the abusive behaviour toward a grandparent. I guess that day I felt I needed to stay to protect him. But I need to protect my child.

LegacyUser

FalconGirl, Our situations are almost a mirror image. I'm so sorry about your Dad but this is almost something I'm afraid of-living with the regret we didn't do more to get my Dad to leave.

Intheclouds, I'm so incredibly sorry about your parents most especially your mother. what you said has hit me like a ton of bricks. I have also been looking at info on alanon today and there are many meeting close to us so I plan on going and also getting my Dad to come.

intheclouds

I hope you find the help you need at Alanon.

Change doesn't happen all at once, it's a process of learning, lightbulb moments, consideration and then implementing small changes.

I found Alanon difficult at first. I wanted them to tell me how to stop the alcoholic drinking. A lot of people try it and leave when that doesn't happen. But that's not what it's about. It's about helping YOU to cope, to understand, to learn and maybe to detach with love. Regardless of what the alcoholic is doing, it will help you to recover.

Btw, don't hide it from the alcoholic that you are going to Alanon. See this as a step along the way of no more walking on eggshells and enabling.

Dravokivich

Victoriastreet wrote: »

Thank you for the replies and for sharing your own experiences. I feel a bit lighter this evening.



It really only dawned on me when I read what you said that we have all just enabled this to carry on and with little consequences. We almost carry on the charade with her in the hope someday it will get better I guess.

I have spoken alot about this with my partner and how much I want to protect my child from this. I never want my children to feel that awkward, uncomfortable feeling when as a child you know something is wrong. In hindsight I should have walked out of the house when she started at Dad that day at dinner. My baby should not witness alcoholism or the abusive behaviour toward a grandparent. I guess that day I felt I needed to stay to protect him. But I need to protect my child.

You did not enable her. Don't ever accept such a comment from someone. All the health services involved in assisting an addict in this country require the addict to sign up themselves. I've been accused of enabling recently, while that person knew I was very much aware of what they were doing and very much against it. Just as your mother is.

dudara

@FalconGirl - while I appreciate that you mean well, the offering or soliciting of PMs is forbidden in this forum.

dudara

greengirl31

OP, I'm very sorry for your family situation. My Mum was an alcoholic too and it took an enormous toll on our family.

In our case, any attempt at intervention usually made the matter worse but for years me and my siblings tried. When my mum was too drunk to make it up the stairs she'd blame it on the cold medication she had to take for example. She could get very abusive and nasty too when she was drinking and said some horrible things to me and the rest of my family over the years. Like your mum, she was a house drinker so would have always wanted to maintain the perfect facade to the neighbors.

For your sake, you need to take a step back. Try to limit contact. Don't ring her or call in - wait for her to initiate contact. If she's drunk when you do call or visit, leave or cut the call short - action speak louder than words !!! You need to have a serious chat with your Dad too ... As much as he's in a horrible position, you are not responsible for his situation. He needs to stand up for himself also. I know that might sound harsh but as much as he's enabling your mothers behavior, your enabling his. perhaps tell him that he's welcome to call to you any time but you can't discuss your mother. Suggest some Al anon meetings he could attend

Once i realised that i couldn't make my mum stop drinking, it became a little easier for me to deal with. I maintained a fairly good relationship because neither of us was trying to control the other one (me to stop her drinking and her to make me feel guilty or trying to punish me for judging her). She eventually realised that she did have a problem and asked me for help. She started going to AA and after a few lapses gave up for good.

I know this isn't always the case but what i'm trying to tell you is that not all alcoholics are a lost cause but only they can help themselves. You need to get on with your own life which I know is a lot easier said than done.

Good luck to you and your family ... I hope you all get some peace x