My Wife Is Being Difficult

Felix2011

My wife has become increasingly difficult since she has stopped taking her HRT medication,she is in the first stages of menopause.she is picking fights with me over everything I do,I can do nothing right in her eyes,her two just under 18 year old children live with us,but it is me who gets it all.I am not the children's father (just letting you guys know) so you don't have to ask.she must be right about every conversation we have we are both in our early to mid 40s.she never thinks before she speaks and is becoming increasingly selfish.after nearly four years together she has been in contact with the father of the children as they both take active responsibility,this is not a problem for me at all and never has been.however I myself have two children with another woman and for a few years we did not speak.and my wife was forever saying yous should put your difference aside for the sake of your children,this has in fact happened lately.and now my wife has change towards me,call me sneaky and that I am texting my ex all the time and this is not True whatsoever,my wife is fighting with me more and more all the time and now we have not spoken since the eve of new years eve.please help me with what I can do to resolve this issue with my wife,I love her but she is being unreasonable.

silverbolt

She sounds very unhappy about something and is taking it out on you.

Can you sit her down or better yet take her out somewhere and calmy enquire as to what is going on or why she has started acting like this?

Felix2011

silverbolt wrote:

Can you sit her down or better yet take her out somewhere and calmy enquire as to what is going on or why she has started acting like this?

She recently lost a close member of her family,she was extremely close to this person,as was I.

silverbolt

Felix2011 wrote: »

She recently lost a close member of her family,she was extremely close to this person,as was I.

And there it is I would surmise. She hasn't finished going through the grieving process.

Thats the underlying issue. If you can get her (and you) to resolve that then it will be a massive help

Felix2011

You see I can see what it is that is wrong.but she cannot,she is pointing the finger at me and blaming me for all sorts of stuff,she even has gone so far as to say that she feels like she is walking on eggshells around me when I have done nothing at all,and when I challenge her and ask her to give me some examples of this walking on eggshells things she cannot,as she has nothing that I have ever done to or on her.it's constantly nag nag nag all the time,and now she won't even talk to me,it's not my fault she lost someone,and yes u was with her all the way through this very sad event

listermint

No advice op . other than sounds like my mother.

The only thing I can say is turn the other cheek this is only temporary (relativity speaking) and its not actually her speaking hormones are an unexplainable minefield.

Perhaps you should find an activity you can both share and enjoy. It gives common ground with no blame just conversation.

Felix2011

My heart us broken as she actually thinks that I have done a whole lot of different things,and she has convinced herself that I'm some sort if bad person.she has notched up her anger since myself and the mother of my children started to communicate about our two,and it's all in her head that I have any emotional interest in the mother of my children.she constantly wants to argue with me,and it's uncalled for.I think she might be going around the bend (crazy) and I'm not joking 😖

DukeOfTheSharp

Her loss aside, menopause aside, there's a lot going on here that isn't healthy. She may very well be having a mental breakdown, I've seen things like this happen, where someone starts concocting stories in order to justify their poor feelings that they can't explain. I'd say sit her down and ask her to please, for the kid's sake, go to counselling to sort this out. You're dealing with a minefield here and it's best to stay on message until you have to disassemble some situations she's made up.

Felix2011

That's exactly the truth,well said,but she will not speak to me or anything I have to say,it's like I'm the closest to her and she wants to fight me and push me far far away.I do appreciate your comment very much,I was thinking about goung behind her back to her doctor and letting him know,but something inside my head us telling me not to do that......I just don't know,I want to help my wife but she won't let me,she only wants to fight me.

frostyjacks

She is being very unreasonable with her behaviour, and is neglecting her duties as a wife. It does sound like there's something niggling at her. Maybe make some time for yourselves, a nice meal or a night away and talk things over.

Neyite

First things first, if she went off her HRT medications, then she needs to go back to the GP and find an alternative so that she can manage her moods and hormones during the menopause.

Sign up for counselling too, but I suspect that if she works with the GP, things will improve a lot.

Now, how to suggest it is tricky. Would you both go to grief counselling initially for your bereavement? It might be a way of starting the counselling process which hopefully opens the door to relationship counselling and in a controlled environment you both might be able to discuss the hormones issue calmly to find a resolution.

Felix2011

We both went to marriage counselling about a year ago as I suggested that we needed a mediator because my wife would nor listen to me with any conversation,she went in and started to tell a pile of lies,but I was able to combat these lies,she felt extremely exposed as the lady doing the counseling was very good and had seen this type of thing before,my wife would not go again,and in my opinion this is because I was well able to defend myself.now if I mention her going to her Gp she will loose the head with me.when I met her she was lovely and she was the one who suggested us getting married so we did.(of course I said yes).after we got off the aircraft after our honeymoon,and we had a great time on our honeymoon,it was like she changed immediately,this could be a quendince the at that point she started the menopause just then,but she has been difficult ever since.I will support my wife in any way I can but she feels that nothing is wrong with her and it's everybody else.

Felix2011

I forgot to mention that it was just one time she went with me for an hour,and she would not go again.

LegacyUser

If she's not willing to go to counselling, go to the GP or do anything you suggest I think you have to ask yourself do you guys still have a relationship. From your last post you say her moods changed after you came home from honeymoon. What was she like before you married? Was she just lovely all the time ? did you ever experience her mood prior to this?
Have you asked her outright if she wants to continue with the marriage?

LegacyUser

As someone who is in the menopause, I can tell you that mood changes & anger are part of it. Throw in grief and going off HRT and there's a lot going on for your wife.

Does she acknowledge that the menopause is causing her anger / moodiness?
Perhaps you could suggest going to her doctor together to find alternative solutions to the HRT if she is willing to do that.

Maybe it's something else entirely, however if that is dealt with, then it will show up any other issues that may exist.

DukeOfTheSharp

Felix2011 wrote: »

That's exactly the truth,well said,but she will not speak to me or anything I have to say,it's like I'm the closest to her and she wants to fight me and push me far far away.I do appreciate your comment very much,I was thinking about goung behind her back to her doctor and letting him know,but something inside my head us telling me not to do that......I just don't know,I want to help my wife but she won't let me,she only wants to fight me.

The worst thing you can do is go behind her back, she has to want help and see she needs to, and you don't need to be feeding into the whole 'is it really paranoia if you're right?' kind of mentality that inevitably comes with this. One slip and the whole thing gets a lot worse.

She wants to fight you because she doesn't know what's going on. She's off her medicine, so her hormones being out of wack is going to effect her already sensitive mood, and her need for fighting probably stems from a number of problems she needs to sort through. I know it's probably not the bet advice, but you may want to talk to her two kids and have them sit down with her separately, and discuss with her how they're really worried for her. She's already hyper-paranoid, and the idea of you contacting your ex - of whom you have children with - despite her having had the same experience seems a bit...off to me. Does she show any signs of calming or is she pretty full-on all the time? I think another important issue is, if you do get into a conversation, however difficult it may be, try to tell her you're not judging her for this, that she's going through a lot. While you may not necessarily believe it, she doesn't need to feel cornered, and you should only really engage in conversation with her, never fights. If you feel a fight brewing, tell her no, this isn't what you're looking to do, and calmly leave the room. I'm sorry I can't be more help, this is just a collection of bad times for you and everything seems to be feeding into another.

Felix2011

My wife was absolutely fine as far as I could see before we married,I wondered did she hit the menopause after we came back,we had a fantastic honeymoon.but she stopped all the love affection communication after our honeymoon,she said she couldn't sleep with me because I snore,so I was put on the floor in the sitting room,very uncomfortable,I had to put up a bit of a fight to get a bed because people were saying that just wasn't right.and no she doesn't see that it's the menopause causing her difficulties,I'm getting the finger pointed at me for that,she also has fallen out with some people over her behaviour.she's hot she's cold all the time.as for do I think we have a relationship or a marriage,she has made it so difficult,but I love her and under all her problems I think she loves me,but she's a good bit messed up.can the menopause end a marriage,I think it probably can,sad as that may seem.I want to help,but she will not let me express my opinion on this matter.

Neyite

So you are not long married and she changed as soon as you got back from the honeymoon?

Then it might not be hormones, just a case of revealing her true self now you are married and it being a lot harder to leave her. Or leave her especially with you holding on to any financial assets you entered the marriage with.

I'm surprised that someone in early to mid 40's is in full force menopause though, its unusual I thought and apart from moods, there are other physical signs of menopause too, which she would have if its affecting her that much. I'm not saying she isnt, but are you sure she got that diagnosis, and that its not a convenient scapegoat for her moods and anger when she takes it too far?

What is your instincts telling you, OP?

Felix2011

Well yes my institution tells me,that she had hidden very well a lot of her true self,and when we got home she said to herself,I'm glad I don't have to keep that up any longer,she completely changed,she gets hot flushes and sweaty hands along with headaches and lots of sleepless nights.but for me I'm at a loss how anyone can hire the true self for an extended period of time,but you may well have opened my eyes to an avenue I hadn't really tough about that much,and if that is the case that is very mean to do to another human being.she's unreasonable difficult she's argumentative rude and I have done everything for herald her children,decorated the house back garden by myself,and the treatment I am receiving is deplorable.but I love her and I want her to go back to the way I remember her.the whole situation has me extremely upset.

LegacyUser

How long did you know her for before you got married and did you live together prior to getting married? It seems very strange that she was very nice to you when you were dating and then suddenly changes after you got back from honeymoon?

DukeOfTheSharp

Felix2011 wrote: »

My wife was absolutely fine as far as I could see before we married,I wondered did she hit the menopause after we came back,we had a fantastic honeymoon.but she stopped all the love affection communication after our honeymoon,she said she couldn't sleep with me because I snore,so I was put on the floor in the sitting room,very uncomfortable,I had to put up a bit of a fight to get a bed because people were saying that just wasn't right.and no she doesn't see that it's the menopause causing her difficulties,I'm getting the finger pointed at me for that,she also has fallen out with some people over her behaviour.she's hot she's cold all the time.as for do I think we have a relationship or a marriage,she has made it so difficult,but I love her and under all her problems I think she loves me,but she's a good bit messed up.can the menopause end a marriage,I think it probably can,sad as that may seem.I want to help,but she will not let me express my opinion on this matter.

Oh dear god. That's...not good. At all. Op, I'd hate to tell you this, but this sounds a lot like an abusive relationship to me. She was fine until the honeymoon and then all hell broke loose? You feel like you can't express anything without her getting angry? She's leaving you to do everything and anything around the house? She put you on the freaking sitting room floor for snoring - something I'd assume she'd have already known if you'd shared a bed with her prior to the marriage? Menopause or not (and I'm having my doubts now) she seems to be one of those kinds of people who entraps an individual in marriage, and then they let the beast loose.

OP, contact Amen and get some legal advice, this could very well get out of hand quickly. You love her, I have no doubt about that, and you're a good person for dealing with this crap, but it's not on you. None of this is. You can't control her actions, you can't reason with the unreasonable and you can't make this better. The fact of the matter is that she's abusive, cruel, and is more than likely using the menopause (if that's actually the case) as an excuse for her actions. Your best bet is to document her behavior, go to a solicitor and explain the situation and say you want out, but how can you do that without losing money/time/effort?

bee06

Op, I think you are being very kind to your wife by calling her difficult. I'd be using a much harsher word.

I have a question for you that you don't have to answer on here but I think you should answer for yourself. Do you actually love your wife or do you love the woman she was or pretended to be before you got married. It sounds like that woman hasn't existed for quite a while.

Felix2011

I had known her for about a year and a half,she was king lovely to be around and generous,but for when she had a couple of drinks,the marriage thing camIabout because she was constantly humming the wedding song,so I said you keep humming that wedding song and that's how the conversation about marriage came about.it all moved on very quickly from that point.now it's unbelievable for me to say this,but I think she may well have been trying to prove a point to someone,well that's only what I think,maybe from another relationship before or something.I'm for sure not on here to call anybody any names or stag them off,I just want to tell my ongoing story to see what kind of good advice I can get as I am totally lost,and apart from goung to work,I have spent 4 days in the bedroom alone just to keep out of her road,thinking she may see the error of her ways.

DukeOfTheSharp

Felix2011 wrote: »

I had known her for about a year and a half,she was king lovely to be around and generous,but for when she had a couple of drinks,the marriage thing came about because she was constantly humming the wedding song, so I said you keep humming that wedding song and that's how the conversation about marriage came about.it all moved on very quickly from that point. I have spent 4 days in the bedroom alone just to keep out of her road,thinking she may see the error of her ways.

These are the sentences that jumped out at me, what I've put in bold is the most glaring aspect of all emotional abuse stories. Things moving very fast are how emotional abusers target and isolate those they've become fixated on. I had the same thing happen to me, only without the marriage aspect, thank Christ. But as it stands, that's what abusers do, they drop massive hints, you know them a very short space of time, they always seem to be lovely and generous, but when you get involved you get swept up in things and the pace increases unnaturally. Now you're avoiding her as to not set her off? OP, it's unfortunate, but this is emotional abuse and you have to get out of this situation. However hard it may be, you don't deserve any of this treatment, it's not normal, and her normalizing of it by making it the only consistent thing you can rely on is textbook manipulation. Please get in contact with Amen and get legal advice, and leave this toxic scenario. I know it's difficult to hear, and even more difficult to do, but trust me; with time and distance, you'll recover and realise how grotesque this whole situation was!

LegacyUser

A relative of mine was in a similar situation to you. His wife was the nicest person to him and his daughter before he got married and then changed into a horrible person once they got married. She completely destroyed him and his daughter with her anger & spitefulness and general nasty behaviour. She didn't even have the menopause as an excuse!

I'm sorry to say that they eventually split up but maybe with counselling you may be able to rescue your marriage. Best of luck.

Colser

Felix2011 wrote: »

I had known her for about a year and a half,she was king lovely to be around and generous,but for when she had a couple of drinks,the marriage thing camIabout because she was constantly humming the wedding song,so I said you keep humming that wedding song and that's how the conversation about marriage came about.it all moved on very quickly from that point.now it's unbelievable for me to say this,but I think she may well have been trying to prove a point to someone,well that's only what I think,maybe from another relationship before or something.I'm for sure not on here to call anybody any names or stag them off,I just want to tell my ongoing story to see what kind of good advice I can get as I am totally lost,and apart from goung to work,I have spent 4 days in the bedroom alone just to keep out of her road,thinking she may see the error of her ways.

This is an absolute joke OP.Honestly you are allowing yourself to be treated like s*it.

I was going to post about people underestimating the effects of hormones and how they play absolute hell with some women and do cause them to completely change but from your last two posts Ive totally changed my mind about your situation.

Leaving aside the fact that you say you love her she has actually manipulated you into a marriage and then let you do up her house,help with her kids ect and yet would have left you sleep on the floor..crazy stuff.

Shes unlikely to change OP so its up to you to change,either take the awful life you have with her or move out.

She might cop on if she sees you wont be treated like this anymore but I doubt it somehow,what makes you think she married you to annoy someone else,this sounds more believable than a menopause kicking in after the honeymoon?

Felix2011

Well iv found out by listening to her and others,that her ex had made a statement that she would never be able to keep anyone,and that was after in the early stages of us seeing each other,that I had told her I couldn't see her anymore,and her ex said something like he was delighted,servers her right or something to that fact.but she got me back and everything moved really fast,just last year I left her because of this type of behaviour from her,but I went back again.

LegacyUser

oh no op the more you tell us the worse it becomes! It actually sounds like she got married to prove to her ex that she could meet somebody else and get married again. I think you need to leave and get out of the relationship.

Felix2011

Tabs she was never married before me,sorry if I came across wrong.

DB01

This sounds like a horrible life and absolutely not a normal relationship. Did you live together before getting married? If you did and she never showed this side of her personality then it's obvious she knows what's she's doing and is in full control of her actions. How do you know she was ever taking hrt? I'd be inclined to agree that you're in an abusive relationship. How old are her children? How is the relationship there?

Felix2011

All of the guys on here I dont think can be wrong,my eyes have been opened,the children just under 18 can see what's happening,but they just get on with own thing as always,as I stated earlier,I'm not the father,but am very fond of them both.

Augme

I strongly recommend you go to counselling yourself. Not to sound harsh, but there must be some issues you have that have allowed yourself to get into this situation.

Felix2011

You could be right,maybe I need some for falling in love and marring the wrong person (maybe).

Colser

Felix2011 wrote: »

You could be right,maybe I need some for falling in love and marring the wrong person (maybe).

Lots of us have fallen in love with the wrong person so dont be so hard on yourself but usually it takes a lot longer for things to go wrong.

Can I ask what pushed you to leave the last time and why did you go back,did she promise to change?

LegacyUser

Hi Op, I'm sorry you are being put through this,just wanted to add my experience.

My own mother is a lovely strong woman. She's blunt, patient, laid back and one of the most mentally stable people I know...All this until she hit the menopause. Boy did she change.

In our household my father was always the grumpy / moody one. Passive aggressive sulking at times. My mam would be very forgiving even if annoyed at him at first.

During the menopause she became paranoid, cranky almost looking for a fight. My dad though difficult at times could do no right. Id usually sympathise when my mam moaned about his latest mood swing but this time my dad was being pleasant. She thought her sisters were ganging up on her. I couldn't speak sense to her. She was like a stranger. Freaked us out.

But it did pass, we almost laugh now looking back on this darker period. After several months she got back to her old self.


Those hormones must really be wreaking havoc with her. Maybe give it a little time and hopefully she'll get better. Good luck