Cant come to terms with abortion

LegacyUser

I'm in a horrible mess.

I was seeing a guy for a few years, he didn't want to commit. He knew I wanted kids and al that stuff (im mid-thirties) but he just wasn't on that page. I knew I liked him more than he liked me but I always thought he cared a lot for me, at least he said he did. We had always said that in the future we might end up together buy he's been planning on going travelling for a while and wanted to cross that off his bucket list first.

When I discovered I was pregnant it was 7 weeks after we had conceived. I knew i couldn't go through with it, i wanted to so much. I felt like euphoric knowing i was growing something inside me, it was a lovely comforting feeling i can't explain.

It was unfortunate timing, he had found a lump and was freaking out about testicular cancer. I knew what his reaction would be and I did bring up how I wanted kids some day but he said that all of his friends who had kids are miserable and it ruined their lives. I couldn't bring myself to tell him.

I weighed up the pros and cons. The only pro was that i wanted to have it. I knew he would hate me if i did that, i knew it would cause him more stress and i knew he would hate me if i had it.

So, i didn't tell him and me and my sister and mum went to Manchester and it was taken care of. I was fine till I got there. then it was hard I took the pill and spent the next 2 days "passing it". A week later i did another test, it was negative and i cried. Hard.

Struggling to cope with all of this i went to a grief counsellor who made me feel much better stacking up my rationale and logic.

Things were difficult anyway with this guy but carrying this around with me made feel sad around him, which i know was wrong. My head was just fried so i asked him to give me some space. we actually had a few good weeks and that just made me feel worse so i asked him to go. i missed him buy figured this while experience should have been a lesson that i should be with someone who wants a full relationship and not just the good bits.

Well about a month later (14 weeks after abortion) I found out that the reason he never wanted to make us a proper couple was because he's had a girlfriend the last year and a half. I know him lots longer than that but wasn't good enough apparently. He lied to me about it but I knew he was lying so I messaged the girl who confirmed it. It caused problems for them and now he hates me because I messed up his relationship.

So all the reasons I made the decision I made weren't even true, i don't know if i even believe he wanted to go away or if he was worried about having cancer. I appreciate im better not tied to someone like that but i made the biggest decision of my life based on lies and that's very hard to cope with.

I have found myself looking uo flights to Manchester to just go stay in the hotel where i was passing for 2 days. Its like if i can feel close to "it" i can apologise and feel better. I know it sounds totally psycho but i feel like i have to do it.

I'm not sure I'll ever come to terms with any of this.

Rubberchikken

i think in time you'll learn to accept whats happened, but at the moment your grief is very raw.
you've been through an awful ordeal and while you had your mom and sister for support it's still something you had to do 'alone' and it can't have been an easy decision to make.

the guy you were seeing is better out of your life and someday you'll accept that. he lied to you and strung you along. he lied to another woman and has caused no end of trouble. he's definitely not worth bothering about.

keep talking to a professional if you can.

imo you have nothing to apologise about to anyone. you made a decision that was right for you at that time. go easy on yourself and take care of yourself.

pookie82

Your post is absolutely heartbreaking to read, especially the last part, and there is nothing whatsoever "psycho" about it. You're grieving, and your emotions are natural.

Can I ask, though, if you learned of this girlfriend while you were still pregnant, would you have gone ahead with the pregnancy? There's every chance that finding this out would have made you have an abortion too. So even if you'd known the truth, it may still have been your course of action. If anything, it may have driven you to take that action more?

Had you kept the baby, you would have been tied forever to this emotionally appalling triangle of you, him and her, and most likely, be left raising a child he wouldn't want. You'd probably have had to fight for any maintenance/parental responsibility/recognition whatsoever off him for your child. He's angry with you for "ruining" his current relationship. Is he for real? He ruined that himself.

Go back to counselling and talk it all through with someone professional. Since you've last been you've had a lot more information to take on board and process.

Once you have healed and come to terms with all of this, you will see that in many ways you had a very lucky escape here. And you will be free to meet someone who appreciates you and will start a family in an open and honest manner with you.

frostyjacks

It's common for women to feel intense guilt and regret in your situation; you're not alone.

Talk to someone. Life.ie offer post-abortion counselling, however long it takes you to get through it.

http://www.life.ie/counselling/counselling-after-abortion/

We've been conditioned to think abortion is just some simple procedure like getting your eyebrows plucked. Testimonies from women in your situation tell us a very different story.

ivytwine

frostyjacks wrote: »

It's common for women to feel intense guilt and regret in your situation; you're not alone.

Talk to someone. Life.ie offer post-abortion counselling, however long it takes you to get through it.

http://www.life.ie/counselling/counselling-after-abortion/

We've been conditioned to think abortion is just some simple procedure like getting your eyebrows plucked. Testimonies from women in your situation tell us a very different story.

Not at all helpful to the OP, she needs less guilt not more. The organisation you mention has a very specific bias.

OP I have never been in your situation, despite having my eyebrows plucked thousands of times :rolleyes: anyway despite being pro choice I recognise that there was a potentiality of life there, and that this is very hard for you to come to terms with.

Would I be right in saying that there was a friendship with this guy before you dated? If so I expect you're mourning not just the potential family you might have had, but the loss of friendship, trust and the betrayal. Plus his cancer scare would have been tough on you as well.

This guy has shown his true colours anyway. He's selfish and that's not the best trait in a parent. and who cares if it causes trouble within his relationship- you're not to blame, he is. So eff him, honestly.

I think maybe you should go to UNBIASED counselling again and discuss it further.

I remember reading a while back that the Japanese, who recognise that abortion is sometimes a necessity, have a day where women who have had abortions, stillbirths, miscarriages release balloons and light candles. No judgement, no shaming. Maybe you could have a little ritual of your own?

All the best OP XX

eviltwin

frostyjacks wrote: »

It's common for women to feel intense guilt and regret in your situation; you're not alone.

Talk to someone. Life.ie offer post-abortion counselling, however long it takes you to get through it.

http://www.life.ie/counselling/counselling-after-abortion/

We've been conditioned to think abortion is just some simple procedure like getting your eyebrows plucked. Testimonies from women in your situation tell us a very different story.

Don't follow this advice OP. It's far from common to feel regret. It's completely natural to have mixed emotions in the early days while you are physically and mentally adjusting. That's before you add in all the other treatment you've gotten from this guy. It's no wonder you are using the abortion as a focal point, it was the one decision you made, everything else was completely out of your control. You've been through a lot, you won't get better overnight but if you get impartial counselling via Positive Options it will get you on the right road

I agree with all the others, you've had a lucky escape, you deserve so much better than this loser. It will get better xx

R.D. aka MR.D

frostyjacks wrote: »

It's common for women to feel intense guilt and regret in your situation; you're not alone.

Talk to someone. Life.ie offer post-abortion counselling, however long it takes you to get through it.

http://www.life.ie/counselling/counselling-after-abortion/

We've been conditioned to think abortion is just some simple procedure like getting your eyebrows plucked. Testimonies from women in your situation tell us a very different story.

Hi OP,

I really feel for you. You've been through such a shock with finding out what a scumbag that guy was.

<SNIP>

You have done nothing wrong here. You made the choice with the information that was available to you at the time.


As other posters have pointed out, continue to seek professional help from unbiased professionals. You felt better when the grief counsellor laid out your logic for you. Remember that. Every time you start to dwell on negative thoughts about the situation, remember how the grief counsellor made you feel.

You can and will get through this.

Best of luck.

Nabber

Hey OP,
I'd agree with ivytwine on the ritual, only ritual is not the correct term. You should take some time to yourself remember what you had regardless of how brief it was.

I'm pro life, but at the same time it not my decision, nor should I make some one else's decision. But I would say this, Don't allow this man and the position he put you in to stop you from living, as he has taken too much already.

It's a tough position you are in. Hopefully you get the happy family you want and you can look back on this and draw strenght from what you had.

eviltwin

Nabber wrote: »

Hey OP,
I'd agree with ivytwine on the ritual, only ritual is not the correct term. You should take some time to yourself remember what you had regardless of how brief it was.

This part of your post jumped out. I know what you are saying but there is no should with this. This kind of closure can be helpful for some but it shouldn't be forced, it has to happen because the OP feels it would benefit her. There is no right or wrong here.

ivytwine

Yeah I really hesitated over the word ritual. I've never been in that situation, never been pregnant, so in one way I'm talking out of my behind. It was something I read about a while back and stuck with me. It may be a help to the OP, it maybe not. None of us know what is really useful for her to move forward.

I 100% agree with you Nabber, this situation and this man shouldn't take anymore of the OP's life. What's done is done and the OP must find a way to come to terms with it in a way that is healthy for her.

frostyjacks

Grieve for the little life that was lost; it's all part of the healing process. Stay strong and you will come out of this a better person.

gothic_doll

I know it will be hard to realise this now, but you did the best thing you could have possibly done in this particular, extremely tough situation. I'm so sorry that he put you through all this.

The shining light out of all this is- you are not tied to him. You never have to see him again.

You are free to move on, to find a new caring man, there is still time to have a child, should you wish to. You did the best thing you could've.

Take your time to grieve. Go to Manchester with a friend or family member and revisit it if you want to. Think about how your future is free. Talk to a sister or parent if you can about it, if you haven't yet, or talk again about it. And be glad that you are away from him, seeing as all he has caused was damage.

amdublin

My heart breaks for you op, you've been through an awful lot of intense emotions and situations
I am pro choice (so far as I'd be actually pro abortion) but of course it's not an easy decision to make - either way, if you had an abortion or had the baby.

I think for some women neither decision will ever feel 100% right so its about way weighing up what is more right for you. That's good your counsellor helped you with your feelings. Alot more has happened since then (you found put that your boyfriend is a cheating little sh1te) no wonder you are not feeling great at the moment.

I think going back to your counsellor would help alot.

Op, you will feel better in time - in time being the key words. Give your body and mind time to grieve and recover from all you have been through over the last few months. Look after yourself.

Neyite

You are a good person. You made an extremely difficult and brave decision in very difficult circumstances. And just when you felt ok with that decision, he pulls the rug from under you again with betrayal of cheating, a break up of a significant relationship, and tossed up in the air all those reasons you based your choice on. Even one of those things would have a person reeling, let alone all three.

It's no wonder your head is all over the place. But, you need to remember was that either way, he would not have been there for you. You would have been alone to cope regardless.

There are lots of ways that you can mark the passing in a way that is meaningful to you. Some women who have losses in pregnancy mark it in all kinds of different ways - one did a Chinese lantern. I put 3 little decorations on my Christmas tree, another woman I know planted a rose bush. Or you don't have to do anything, or even in the near future- it really is whatever you feel is right for you, when you feel it's right.

But for now, be gentle with yourself. Remind yourself you made the best decision for you, and take the time to heal emotionally from all the heartbreak all these recent events have caused you. Keep talking to your counsellor, it will help.