Heartbroken and Confused

DukeOfTheSharp

Basically the story goes like this: dating a girl for two years, we were both in our mid-twenties, started off pretty good but as time went on she got less and less fun to be around. Things started out pretty intense, there was a passing in her family so it just kind of lined up that way, but we worked for a while. (apologies in advance for the length and general incoherence, this has been keeping me up at night)

Things got more difficult - after she suffered another loss, she wanted me to move in with her, to basically get her out of her family home. She referred to moving in with me as her 'happy place' and I felt a bit of pressure which was made worse because she started manically searching for apartments and adding people into the idea without telling me. I tried talking to her about it and she apologised saying she got over-excited, but she kept on about it, eventually deciding just to move out on her own. The she talked about going abroad, but was angry that I wasn't in a position to, and she refused to talk about it anymore saying it 'wouldn't be fair' on me.

At this point I was in a pretty bad place mental health-wise, but she wasn't there for me. In fact, she started acting really out of character, saying it felt like I was smothering her (I'd not really told her anything about how bad my mental health was, though I could have been acting differently, I really can't remember). Things settled, got back to normal, but then one night she got into a scuffle with some friends at a party, I was never told the details, but suffice to say that one person who I trusted to tell me anything was sworn to secrecy by my then GF. She got counselling for a little while, but stopped and went to drink instead (this would mark the third time she gave up counselling in our relationship) and continued to visit the people she got into a scuffle with. The issues started being raised when she kept taking her problems out on me, only to apologize and say it wouldn't happen again. Honestly, I believed her because I loved her that much and when these things happened, she went to counselling and was doing better, only to quit soon after. I tried to tell her that I felt like I couldn't have my own feelings, that she constantly made everything about herself and that she wouldn't listen to what I had to say - she'd consistently ignore challenging points-of-view and get angry if I didn't agree with her or took issue with something, so I was walking on egg-shells.

Fast forward to months later and she was visiting them on the weekend following my birthday, leaving me alone for it and since we were working the previous week, and I was away from home, I couldn't really celebrate, nor was I in the mood to. She refused to talk to me, blamed me for making it an issue and this steadily became more of the same for a few months when suddenly she decided to break up. She told me it was her, her mental health was suffering and she needed time to herself that would eventually end in us getting back together, so I agreed. Within a month she was already preparing a new guy for herself, started dating him and didn't tell me until only a week or two ago. She said she still cared about me as much as she ever did, just not romantically, but never apologized for how she ended things, how she strung me along, or how she kept dumping her issues on me while seeing this other guy. She was supposed to be going to counselling too but that soon stopped as she started dating the new fella.

I guess my question is: should I be ok with this? The fact that I never got to move on properly because of the way she strung me along really makes this situation difficult, and yet she always seemed to make the whole thing seem normal, despite the fact that I feel like it really isn't. I feel like I've been here before but I'm so tired and worn out I can't tell what's happening anymore and I feel like I'm crazy. Any advice would be appreciated. Sorry again for the incoherence, if you need any more details feel free to ask.

bucketybuck

Sounds like her leaving is the best thing you could have hoped for, I'm delighted for you. My advice would be to look forward and move on before she has a chance to drag you into more drama.

DukeOfTheSharp

bucketybuck wrote: »

Sounds like her leaving is the best thing you could have hoped for, I'm delighted for you. My advice would be to look forward and move on before she has a chance to drag you into more drama.

I feel this way too, but this really messed with my head, and I don't understand why it's effecting me so much. There were accusations of not being able to trust me - when she openly lied using me as a cover for some sort of ridiculous thing - which led to me being dragged into drama I was then blamed for. I feel like the last two years have been some mad fever dream at times. How come I feel like this is somehow my fault?

Shrap

Also sounds like you know the true meaning of "strung out" OP, from being so strung along. I've no great advice except be kind to yourself. You've been through an awful dose of the headwrecks and now's the time to gather friends around you who will support but not suggest mad stuff like "getting back on the horse" or going out for a mad night out.

So yes, you're quite legitimately heartbroken and confused. You'll piece yourself back together over time and hopefully won't ever be treated that shabbily again.

Xterminator

you are not responsible for her actions. full stop.

but perhaps you were enabling her to carry on as she did. At least thats is how it comes across.

I assume you have never had a relationship like that before ? As long as you learn from the experience, and decide that never again will you continue in a relationship where you are walking on eggshells all the time, and having to 'hide' your own issues etc.

You cant take the time back, but you can use the experience to grow as a person.

Shrap

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

How come I feel like this is somehow my fault?

Often happens when you've been emotionally abused. She's twisted every crisis to make it look like your fault, she's not let you express any of your own feelings, she's walked all over you basically. I remember thinking I was only fit for a psychiatric ward at one stage during my abusive marriage, he had me so twisted up thinking I was the one at fault, even though I was the one who couldn't open my mouth without getting roared at.

You will be very vulnerable to being too hard on yourself over this OP, for a while yet. Would you consider going to talk it through with someone, just to get a different (less self-damaging) perspective?

bucketybuck

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

How come I feel like this is somehow my fault?

Because she has messed with your head that much. She did that, not you.

You didn't have control of your own situation, even at the end she was the one to leave and deny you the chance to make your own break, so its incredibly natural to feel like there is unfinished business or that things should somehow have went differently.

You want further closure and better answers from her but what you need to realise is that there aren't any, the only thing you will get from her is further drama and manipulation, so put enough space between you both so that it is less likely to happen.

Time will give you perspective on this and it won't take long to look back on it with fresh eyes and realise what a good thing this this, you just need to tough out the few weeks until that happens.

Shrap

bucketybuck wrote: »

Time will give you perspective on this and it won't take long to look back on it with fresh eyes and realise what a good thing this this, you just need to tough out the few weeks until that happens.

Yes, totally.....but while not being tough on yourself either. Mind yourself OP. You've been through the wringer here.

DukeOfTheSharp

Xterminator wrote: »

you are not responsible for her actions. full stop.

but perhaps you were enabling her to carry on as she did. At least thats is how it comes across.

I assume you have never had a relationship like that before ? As long as you learn from the experience, and decide that never again will you continue in a relationship where you are walking on eggshells all the time, and having to 'hide' your own issues etc.

You cant take the time back, but you can use the experience to grow as a person.

Maybe? I feel like I fought hard to find some middle ground, but it was always pointless, she'd just do the same thing again and again but blame me every time. Maybe I started steering into the skid and didn't realise it, just for piece of mind so there wouldn't be any huge arguments.

No, I usually only had smaller, more casual relationships, and this one got fairly intense quickly. Within the first three months she told me she loved me, and things only got more intense from there. To the point where she was mentioning off-hand to friends that she wanted marriage/kids by her mid to late thirties and so on, but then she'd go back on it. I feel like I got caught up in a pretty poor situation really. I want to learn from this, it's just difficult to learn when pretty much everything seems to have been wrong. I guess avoiding something exactly like that in future is a good start?

DukeOfTheSharp

Shrap wrote: »

Often happens when you've been emotionally abused. She's twisted every crisis to make it look like your fault, she's not let you express any of your own feelings, she's walked all over you basically. I remember thinking I was only fit for a psychiatric ward at one stage during my abusive marriage, he had me so twisted up thinking I was the one at fault, even though I was the one who couldn't open my mouth without getting roared at.

You will be very vulnerable to being too hard on yourself over this OP, for a while yet. Would you consider going to talk it through with someone, just to get a different (less self-damaging) perspective?

bucketybuck wrote: »

Because she has messed with your head that much. She did that, not you.

You didn't have control of your own situation, even at the end she was the one to leave and deny you the chance to make your own break, so its incredibly natural to feel like there is unfinished business or that things should somehow have went differently.

You want further closure and better answers from her but what you need to realise is that there aren't any, the only thing you will get from her is further drama and manipulation, so put enough space between you both so that it is less likely to happen.

Time will give you perspective on this and it won't take long to look back on it with fresh eyes and realise what a good thing this this, you just need to tough out the few weeks until that happens.

I feel kind of sick realising just how messed up this whole thing has been, I mean emotional abuse isn't something I would have considered. And how I had no real idea of what was happening while it was happening. I know time will give me some perspective, and I plan on making a counselling appointment to try and get some perspective, I went to a close friend but her advice was to 'grow up and stop acting like a victim' which kind of threw me off. I get that this isn't my fault, that it's hers, she always just seemed to twist it all so perfectly to fit her narrative that it almost seemed reasonable. I'm sorry if I'm still very vague and incoherent, I'm still wrapping my head around all of this, but just know I do appreciate the kind words and support.

bucketybuck

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

I went to a close friend but her advice was to 'grow up and stop acting like a victim'

Harsh words, but there may be an unintended truth in there.

This girl messed you around, it would do you no harm at all to take some agency back, to take control of yourself again in various ways and enjoy the feeling of having a clear head for a while. You have absolutely nothing to gain by wallowing in this or trying to look for answers that will fix your now broken relationship, put your energy into replacing it with something else.

Not necessarily another relationship, (although no harm in quickly recognising that not all girls are headwreckers) but why not do something for yourself, a holiday, a new job, a new hobby, who cares just stand up and kick ass.

DukeOfTheSharp

bucketybuck wrote: »

Harsh words, but there may be an unintended truth in there.

This girl messed you around, it would do you no harm at all to take some agency back, to take control of yourself again in various ways and enjoy the feeling of having a clear head for a while. You have absolutely nothing to gain by wallowing in this or trying to look for answers that will fix your now broken relationship, put your energy into replacing it with something else.

Not necessarily another relationship, (although no harm in quickly recognising that not all girls are headwreckers) but why not do something for yourself, a holiday, a new job, a new hobby, who cares just stand up and kick ass.

The issue now is mostly that I'm back studying a level 9, so between this messing with my head and the coursework I've to finish I'm having a hard time finding anything else to focus on. Anxiety replacing wallowing isn't necessarily a good substitute. I know not all women are like this, the truth is that I should have seen it sooner, it's just a pity it took so long. I'll try to find something to do to preoccupy myself, once I find some time to breathe first.

Shrap

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

I mean emotional abuse isn't something I would have considered. And how I had no real idea of what was happening while it was happening. I know time will give me some perspective, and I plan on making a counselling appointment to try and get some perspective

Y'know, when you're in a relationship (in my experience anyway) where you're bending over backwards to keep someone happy, treading on eggshells so they don't get mad, taking their personal insults/character assassination attempts on board by thinking "I'm getting this all wrong here" and not being allowed to express feeling sad/angry/depressed/hurt, it might not seem like emotional abuse at the time. It just feels like this mad, awful rollercoaster ride where you're simultaneously trying to keep all the balls in the air and not drop anything.

It's only towards the end or afterwards (when push came to shove for whatever reason) that you suddenly feel bereft of yourself, like you lost sight of who you were throughout the relationship. That's when IMO folks start beating themselves up - How could I not have seen? How could I have let them do/say that to me? How can I respect myself for the kind of doormat I turned into? OP, just don't turn on yourself here. These kinds of relationships are so insidious in the way they become unbalanced, and once you're in one it's hard to see the wood for the trees. "Love is blind, but your neighbour isn't", as they say.

Do go talk about it. And not to a friend who dismisses your experiences as if they never happened, eh?!

DukeOfTheSharp

Shrap wrote: »

Y'know, when you're in a relationship (in my experience anyway) where you're bending over backwards to keep someone happy, treading on eggshells so they don't get mad, taking their personal insults/character assassination attempts on board by thinking "I'm getting this all wrong here" and not being allowed to express feeling sad/angry/depressed/hurt, it might not seem like emotional abuse at the time. It just feels like this mad, awful rollercoaster ride where you're simultaneously trying to keep all the balls in the air and not drop anything.

It's only towards the end or afterwards (when push came to shove for whatever reason) that you suddenly feel bereft of yourself, like you lost sight of who you were throughout the relationship. That's when IMO folks start beating themselves up - How could I not have seen? How could I have let them do/say that to me? How can I respect myself for the kind of doormat I turned into? OP, just don't turn on yourself here. These kinds of relationships are so insidious in the way they become unbalanced, and once you're in one it's hard to see the wood for the trees. "Love is blind, but your neighbour isn't", as they say.

Do go talk about it. And not to a friend who dismisses your experiences as if they never happened, eh?!

This actually makes a lot of sense. To be honest it all seemed to normal, and while I wasn't happy with it I guess I didn't really have time to think about it and how much it was hurting me. I was trying so hard to keep everything afloat that I lost track of parts of me, and when I tried to get them back and draw some boundaries her reactions were volatile.

As for beating myself up, it seems more and more like I shouldn't be doing it, despite how hard it is. She really did get into my head, and had me swept up in something I genuinely hated being part of at times, but that was overshadowed by her making my feelings moot. I want to be able to recover, and I know I will the longer I'm away from her, I just wish this could have happened the few months back when it ended first, at least then I'd have some of the process started.

I'll confide in someone who won't react like that friend did, I have a few who've been through something similar so they might be able to listen better than anyone else. The counselor is still happening though.