Quick bit of advice

LegacyUser

A few days ago I receieved a phonecall from an ex girlfriend I used to go out with many years ago. Just after we broke up she moved back over to the UK and havn't had much contact since apart from the odd email.

She told me her daughter is very ill and needs a donor.. and then informed me that I'm the father and the reason I'm been told now is because I'm the best chance of tissue match. This came as a shock to me as you can imagine. She is currently in a long term relationship with someone else and this person is under the impression that he is the father.

Of course I will do what I can to help the child, that's not an issue. But I'm furious with her(the mother). Is it illegal for her to know I am the father of the child and never informing me? Finding out suddenly I have a teenage daughter I never knew of.. wow.

CaraMay

Wow is right. I've heard of this happening to two guys I know in recent years. I don't think it's illegal but it's clearly highly immoral. I think it's time to meet her and get genetic testing done. You need to protect yourself here as ages proven herself to be sneaky.

njs030

CaraMay wrote: »

Wow is right. I've heard of this happening to two guys I know in recent years. I don't think it's illegal but it's clearly highly immoral. I think it's time to meet her and get genetic testing done. You need to protect yourself here as ages proven herself to be sneaky.

There's hardly a need for genetic testing on top of the hospital tests though if op wants that I'm sure that can wait until after the severely unwell child is helped- it's not like the mother is looking for money or some benefit to herself that there's any reason she would lie at this exact moment of her life.

No it's not illegal and you have every right to be angry though I really think in this situation you need to put that aside for now and help the child. Also think about what you want from this- do you want the child to know who you are and do you want a relationship with her?

iusedtoknow

It's not illegal, and while not a nice a move - she was within her rights - just not morally.

Priority 1 whether it's yours or not is to help the child out if you can.
Priority 2 establish paternity if your ex wants

It puts her in an awkward position, but remember...you did nothing wrong in this, all you'll be doing is helping a child. She's the one that will have to deal with all the fallout both from you ("why didn't you tell me") and from her current partner (also "why didn't you tell me")

CaraMay

Of course there's need for testing before he gets more involced. If it's true she's lied to two men plus her child for many years. Hair DNA testing can be done cheaply and quickly. Op you would be nuts to do anything or to commit to anything until you know for sure.

Why has she left it this long to tell you the child is sick? What illness is it?

Peter Anthony

The gall of this women is frightening, total scumbag move to 1) keep the fact you have a daughter from you and 2) contact you as some sort of guilt trip to be a donor for the child. Not to mention she also has some other guy who thinks he is the father of this child, and she still wont even tell him??? What a cluster****.

This women is total scum, and I would think long and hard before getting involved in this minefield, but try and cover yourself legally and potentially make sure you are the Father before doing anything. It wouldnt surprise me if she was lying either.

Pawwed Rig

If you do 'prove' you are the Father then she will be able to claim maintenance off you. I would talk to a solicitor on this one before going any further.

PLL

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

If you do 'prove' you are the Father then she will be able to claim maintenance off you. I would talk to a solicitor on this one before going any further.

The fact that she can do this but not telling him he has a child is legal písses me off so so much.

I grew up with an animal like that for a mother. Fathers need to be recognised and be given more rights. It's a disgrace bad mothers get away with things simply because they are the mother.

Sorry for the rant OP, I hope everything works out for the poor girl.

Rubberchikken

if what she's saying is true you need to talk with this woman and get the facts confirmed.
i hope things work out for you and this child. good luck

ManOfMystery

notjustsweet wrote: »

There's hardly a need for genetic testing on top of the hospital tests though if op wants that I'm sure that can wait until after the severely unwell child is helped- it's not like the mother is looking for money or some benefit to herself that there's any reason she would lie at this exact moment of her life.

No it's not illegal and you have every right to be angry though I really think in this situation you need to put that aside for now and help the child. Also think about what you want from this- do you want the child to know who you are and do you want a relationship with her?

Totally disagree. The OP has received a call out of the blue from a woman he hasn't seen for well over a decade, claiming he has a sick daughter who needs his help. Why shouldn't he question that before proceeding?

Don't let the thought of a sick child cloud your judgement. There are many charlatans out there who have claimed worse - feigned cancer, terminal illness, etc - and it always starts off with a sob story before proceeding down the line to the inevitable issue of money.

If her story is genuine and the child needs help, she should have absolutely no qualms in allowing the child to partake in a simple genetic test to establish paternity. It's the very least she can do given the huge lie she has perpetuated for quite a long time, and she should understand that.

Shrap

Dear Jesus H. - I thought this only happened in films

I would think that the first thing you do OP is lawyer up. If you can't afford that initially, I suggest you email this woman and in your best factual and emotion-free/non passive aggressive language (in fact, get a friend to help, I would be waay too angry to attempt this without help) explain that you wish her to correspond with you in writing only (email should be fine) and that she should repeat the content and context of her phone call in an email, detailing her daughter's illness and proof of this. A copy of the daughter's birth cert wouldn't hurt either, since the other fella should be named on it. Tell her you will be bringing this to your lawyer with a view to exploring your options, and that further correspondence will be through your lawyer.

She would not be right in the head if she thinks her partner doesn't have to know he's not the child's father btw, but that is her problem. I don't think you need to spell it out to her.

intheclouds

Tread very carefully.

A donor for what? Even if you are the childs genetic father, you may not be a match as an organ donor.

Is she also telling the guy who thinks he is the father that he isnt really the father?

What about the child? Is she going to find out that she has a father she never knew about?

This "could" be some kind of scam to extract money from you.

What if it turns out you are not the father but still a match for a donor?

I would be putting three things in place before proceeding any further.
1: Speak to a solicitor.
2. Establish paternity.
3: A full and frank disclosure from your ex to all parties involved (not the daughter for the moment), ie, a meeting (with solicitors present) where her current partner is present and results of paternity are discussed, decisions about what the daughter is told, information on what she expects from you - ie, a kidney but then goodbye? Or a kidney then back dated maintenance? A relationship with your alleged daughter?

ManOfMystery

If her story is true, the other guy is going to find out one way or another. A child that sick needing a donor will surely require hospital treatment, and if he believes he is the father then surely he is going to be involved in this at some point.

njs030

Sorry I think my post wasn't very well written. I meant as the hospital needs tissue from a matching doner their tests will usually show if someone is a close familial match.
Meaning a second set of tests to show the same information isn't really needed immediately.

It's very unlikely to be a scam unless the hospital is in on it tbh.

Mr. Incognito

I would be going straight to a solicitor on this one and let her converse directly with him.

He can verify the facts if the child is sick, if it's yours etc.

Could be a scam

njs030

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I would be going straight to a solicitor on this one and let her converse directly with him.

He can verify the facts if the child is sick, if it's yours etc.

Could be a scam

How can it be a scam? Genuine question cos I feel like I'm missing something. A sick child needing doner tissue would be in hospital so it's pretty simple to verify.

Pawwed Rig

notjustsweet wrote: »

How can it be a scam? Genuine question cos I feel like I'm missing something. A sick child needing doner tissue would be in hospital so it's pretty simple to verify.

'I would prefer you not to meet her at this point as she is too sick to deal with the emotion. There is a better treatment available in US but poor us can't afford it. If we only had 10k .......... yadda yadda yadda'

njs030

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

'I would prefer you not to meet her at this point as she is too sick to deal with the emotion. There is a better treatment available in US but poor us can't afford it. If we only had 10k .......... yadda yadda yadda'

I see what you mean. Though with tissue donation they generally need to be done on the same hospital at the same time which is the only reason I would think it's a panicky mother coming clean to help her child.

Jeez of course I would agree with not even considering handing over a penny!!

Shrap

notjustsweet wrote: »

How can it be a scam? Genuine question cos I feel like I'm missing something. A sick child needing doner tissue would be in hospital so it's pretty simple to verify.

Yeah, I agree it's seriously unlikely to be a scam, but it is a profoundly disturbing and shocking situation for the OP because presumably this girl may die if he doesn't follow this up with christ knows what kind of physical donation, and you can bet that the mother wouldn't have gone this route if she wasn't truly desperate. To be blunt, the child may die anyway even if the OP does help.....and what a way to find out you have a daughter.

This is absolutely awful.

OP, not only do I think you need a lawyer, I also think you'll need a really good counselor to talk through these circumstances as they unfold. I can't imagine the feeling of responsibility you've just been dumped with. Heart goes out to ya :-/

Shrap

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

'I would prefer you not to meet her at this point as she is too sick to deal with the emotion. There is a better treatment available in US but poor us can't afford it. If we only had 10k .......... yadda yadda yadda'

Yeah, we've all heard of those scenarios, but it looks less likely that this is one of those considering that the partner still thinks he's the father and she's looking for an actual tissue match (probably tried the fella who thinks he's Dad already ). It just looks like a desperate mess that this woman is trying to juggle (waay too late IMO) to get help for her daughter.

Either way, he needs everything she said to him in writing before this goes any further. If he doesn't hear from her again, maybe it's a scam or maybe she was never going to have the guts to tell her partner he's not the father. Either way, all the OP can do is to try and get this on an official basis ASAP. But this is awful for him, jesus

Pawwed Rig

Oh I agree it is very unlikely to be a scam but that doesn't mean the OP shouldn't lawyer up to protect himself

Stheno

And it's pure supposition at the moment that he is the father (possibly based on the putative father not being a tissue match), the mother could be clutching at straws.

I'd start with a lawyer and DNA test.