Very Overweight Male Friend who could be diabetic – advice needed.

LegacyUser

I have been friendly with this man I will call Paul for over 15 years. Paul is about 6f 1 in height and has a large build. Ever since I met him he was overweight but in the past 12 months he has put on a lot of weight. I noticed this in Facebook photos. I also noticed in some of the photos he looks pale or grey in the face.
I meet him face to face about 2 months ago. I noticed the extra weight he put on then also but I did not mention it to him then as he was going through a stressful time.

Over 12 months ago I said to him I planned to lose some weight and said we both needed to do this for health reasons. I said to him then we did not want to get diabetes or to have other health problems. I have lost a few stone since then with a slimming group and exercise. I would still not be regarded as a small woman but I look and feel so much better now
Recently Paul was sick and it now looks like he could have diabetes.

I offered to go my slimming group with him and help him out in way I could to lose some weight.
Paul told me he plans to eat healthy in the New Year and do some exercise with friends. He also said he would be very busy with work this year.
He is now in a relationship with a woman who is always cooking and baking. She has never mentioned losing weight to him despite the fact they have been a couple for a few months.

At this stage I am very worried about him. I feel that if he is told he is diabetic he won’t manage this well. I also feel that he needs to lose at least 5 stone and change his diet even if he is not a diabetic otherwise he will have some serious health issues soon.
What would you advise me to do here?

intheclouds

All you can do is outline your concerns to him, which you already have done.

After that, it's his business, not yours.

Typer Monkey

I agree with the previous poster. All you can do is tell him you are worried and offer to help but after that the motivation and work have to come from him. Much like giving up smoking, you can't badger someone into loosing weight. They have to want to do it for themselves

Dee01

Hi OP,

Well done on the weight loss. I'm sure you feel great! I know it's not easy to do.

Regarding your friend; While your intentions are good I don't think that it's your place to say anything else. You have offered support and help by mentioning your slimming club and letting him know how much better you feel for losing the weight. From your post you don't seem to be very (very) close to him (I could be wrong on this), so I think that's all you can do. It's now up to him family/partner/himself. His health is not your responsibility.

orthsquel

He may be happy with his weight, his partner might be too, it might not be a factor in their relationship or even a serious issue to worry about for either of them given their relationship is young, but might not be a serious health issue to him. It sounds to me like you're jumping to conclusions without having the full facts.

What was your friend's reaction to your statements about your and his health and weight? Was he passive about it, or did he take on board at the time, what you said? Or was it a bit like shrugging it off in a way that slightly acknowledged it, but without a commitment to it?

You might want to consider that you may not be in the know about his health, or indeed his weight loss plans if there are plans beyond what he has told you. He may want to keep this to himself or try something for himself.

worried Friend wrote: »

I feel that if he is told he is diabetic he won’t manage this well. I also feel that he needs to lose at least 5 stone and change his diet even if he is not a diabetic otherwise he will have some serious health issues soon.

Why do you feel that if he should be told that he is diabetic that he won't manage it well? Do you mean he will take the news badly, or that he won't be able to cope?

I'm sorry OP I just feel perhaps you're worrying a bit too much about Paul, perhaps even your own insecurities of your own health and weight are being projected onto Paul and creating a bigger situation of something that isn't actually diagnosed and is in the "IF" scenario. I'd be careful about over-encouraging about the diet and exercise that you are doing, it could discourage him from addressing a health or weight issue by someone forcing him to confront it when he doesn't want to or isn't ready, or feels he doesn't know where to start. You may have your own opinion about what you think he needs, but I think he really should be considering the medical advice of a GP and a qualified dietician etc., first and foremost before anyone else's opinions - yours included - should even be considered about what he needs or what his weight should be, etc.

You can't live his life for him or make decisions about his health for him. I think you should keep it in mind that everyone is different and that while the slimming group and exercise might work for you, and you feel comfortable with that, his worst nightmare could be something like a slimming group or a gym. I'd be wary of helping get a person's hopes up about a diet or slimming aid that may not necessarily work for them, or could serve as a means to demotivate them and help them quit before they even start in setting them up to fail.

You've said your piece in the past and recently about his health - it's his responsibility and I do, really do understand your good intentions, all you can really do is should he seek out your advice on it all since being aware of your success, that you encourage him to have a chat with his GP and just be a cheerleader (and patient!) with any progress.

LegacyUser

Just to give you an update.

Paul has been in contact with his doctor and is waiting for test results.
I have been in contact with him since I posted here. I did not mention the slimming group or his weight to him then.
He knows I will be there if he wants my help.

I agree with some of the posts here no one can make you lose weight unless it is something you want to do yourself.

Thanks for the advice you gave me here.