Checked Boyfriends phone and found Messages and photos from an Ex

red dress

Hi. This is my first time using this and I really need advice.

I have done something terrible and the guilt and hurt is overpowering. I got my boyfriend a phone for Christmas. His old phone was lying around the other night so i decided to have a look at it. Now I must mention this isn't the first time i have done this. We are together 2 and a half years and I up and left a good job and life to come home for him after a few months into the relationship. It felt right and I was happy with my decision. So I relocated and we are living together. I had a gut feeling something wasn't right within the first month of the relationship and one day when he was in the shower I checked his messages and found he was flirting with a girl. I then checked his emails and found more messages there. My main issue was that He never mentioned he was seeing someone. I admitted to looking at the phone we had a heated argument and that was that. He said he wouldn't text her again and I was fine with that and didn't check his phone after that. I later met this girl out and the look of shock when I introduced myself as his girlfriend. He did however put a password on his phone some months later.
Over the last year he is very protective of his phone and one day his mum asked to see phones on his phone and he was very protective and refused to had the phone over, at the time I thought that's odd and he is obviously hiding something, but I put it to the back of my head.

This week he is occupied with his new phone and the old one is still on. I know the password to unlock and so I picked it up one night and started looking at the texts. There was texts from an old girlfriend. He said in the past that he has no contact with any of his Ex's at all. He has been having general conversations with her, a lot of lies have been written and as I read through them, last year he asked for pictures of her breasts. I went into his pictures and sure enough on the same date of the message there is a picture along with several others. He never mentions me at all!!! There was also previous messages of a reconciliation but because of the location and current situations they couldn't which was agreed on both parts. We were over a year together at this point, and the messages only go back so far. She is friends with him on Facebook and I checked and she is in a relationship. They play computer games together and they use Skype, so i dread to think what they get up to on that.

I really love him and I don't want to loose him over this. Its eating my inside and I'm putting it to the back of my mind when I'm around him.
Can someone please advise me. I wish I didn't look then I wouldn't be going through this. I have been hurt in the past by several people in my life and find it hard to trust people.

Can someone please advise me, I really love him and I don't want to loose him.

shedweller

<SNIP>And either pack up and walk or give him a chance. But you will forever know he will be prone to cheating. After you have kids (maybe??) your youthful body will be gone (my wife will hate you if its not!) and he may start looking around. Its only a matter of time.
Stand up for yourself and tell this lad to feck off. He's clearly not on the same page as you.
Best of luck.

CaraMay

Oh he's definitely not on the same page as you ie the monogamy page! How many people is this you've caught him with? I know you've given up a lot to be with him but at the cost of your self respect. He's a player and a chancer. Are you happy to stick with that?

gothic_doll

The thought that popped into my head, reading your story, was 'leave him.' And I see the first two responses agree.

He's not giving you even an ounce of respect. You made sacrifices for him very early on, and shown commitment.
He's responded to that by long-term full-on online/phone flirting with two girls (and possibly more) over the last 2 years together.
And one of those girls has a boyfriend, so there's another person disrespected there. He's acting like a spoilt child, not a man, and doesn't really deserve the love you have for him.

Edited to add: What is the most recent date of the messages? If there doesn't seem to be activity for say 6 months then it possibly isn't ongoing. However still shows he isn't trustworthy.

Oryx

You dont want to lose him? Sounds like you never really had him. He seems to think its ok to flirt and look at other options while in a relationship with you, so he isnt really taking you seriously. I know you love him and that makes you blind to his faults, but you dont trust him, for good reason. Your relationship is not healthy, you need to take a step back and see that.

dudara

@shedweller - please do not ever advocate violence as a solution to anything in this forum. I'd suggest you read the forum charter before posting again.

dudara

Ursus Horribilis

OP, for your own self-esteem you really should leave. I know that’s not what you want to hear because you love this guy and don’t want to lose him. Kylith hit the nail on the head with the observation that you never really had him.

I’m not sure what it is you’re looking for in a man but this guy falls short when it comes to being honest. You don’t trust him and why should you? He has been cheating on you for pretty much all of your time together. If he genuinely loved you and was a good person, he’d not be carrying on behind your back.

You’re obviously so very desperate to stay in this relationship that you’re prepared to put up with sh!t that no right-minded woman would. All the signs of what he’s at are there, right in front of your eyes, waving little flags at you and jumping up and down. Yet you still think you love him and don’t want to lose him.

What exactly is it that you were looking for when you posted here?

Ursus Horribilis

I wish I didn't look then I wouldn't be going through this. I have been hurt in the past by several people in my life and find it hard to trust people.

If you've been hurt in the past by several people, then maybe you need to take a look at recurring patterns. Are you a factor in all of these? Are you too trusting of people?

What's killing you now is that you've got proof that your boyfriend has definitely been up to no good. You knew this all along but you've been blanking it from your mind even though your gut has been screaming at you. Not that you needed your gut here -the way he has been behaving with that phone would've been enough to make anyone suspicious. Let's be honest here, when you looked at his phone you weren't doing so to see how far he'd made it in Candy Crush. You had an inkling that you were going to find information you weren't going to like. Now that you've got it, reality is biting.

The ironic thing is that this guy is hurting you every bit as much as these other people. Every time he gets a text, every Skype session, every email he sends. I bet they cut through you like a knife. Would like without someone like that really be so awful?
There's also the chance that he'll drop you like a hot snot anyway if he meets someone he likes better. So don't assume that if you try to pretend that all is rosy, that everything will return to normal.

Neyite

red dress wrote: »

I really love him and I don't want to loose him over this. Its eating my inside and I'm putting it to the back of my mind when I'm around him.
Can someone please advise me. I wish I didn't look then I wouldn't be going through this. I have been hurt in the past by several people in my life and find it hard to trust people.

Can someone please advise me, I really love him and I don't want to loose him.

If you don't want to lose him then your only option is to turn a blind eye to his inappropriate contact with other women behind your back, his lies to you, and resign yourself to living a life with him like this I'm afraid. You are not going to change his behaviour, he's lied to you from the very start, and will likely succeed in his efforts to cheat on you if he hasn't already. He's confident that you are not going anywhere if you find out, and he is right, isn't he?

It's up to you to decide if that is all that you are worth, if a lifetime off having that gut-churning feeling you have right now. Is doubt, and suspicion a price worth paying for keeping him? Every time he chats to a woman, or his phone pings with a text, you'll wonder if he is up to old tricks. Every time he is out with his friends without you. Every time you ask him about a night out, you'll wonder whether or not he is telling you the truth. He has decided how little you are worth, so it's really up to you to decide whether you agree with him or not. Personally I think you sound lovely and could do so much better than this guy.

red dress

Thank you so much for all the messages.

Even putting my problem up here has given me some relief from the burden. I haven't spoken to any of my family or friends about this and felt that someone on this may have known or experienced something similar.
I have been thinking some more about this and I notice that He is the one who is always making first contact with the text messages. From reading between the lines I find that he is texting her, when he is having a bad day or if we have an argument. On reflection of this I feel he still has feelings for her and that she is a safety net in case anything goes wrong between us. He is always putting a self pity spin on his circumstances, leading to her feeling sorry for him.

I had access to his computer today and found nothing. The texts/pictures that worried me most was the ones he sent in 2014. Any additional texts after that were general and lies and self pity on his part. He mentioned in the texts about how he can talk to her and that she understands him after everything they have been through.
I asked him last night to look at the photos in his phone and he wouldn't let me hold the phone, he just scrolled along the Christmas photos from nights out. He is just so protective of it.
I'm going to sit down with him tonight and try and get information. I still cant face telling him that I looked at the phone as i really am terrified of loosing him.

I hear what you guys are saying and you are right, It will kill me when he gets a text, or when he is in his computer room on skype etc. I just know that if I confess to looking at his phone that could possibly end the relationship. I Love him too much to lose him.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe you should chat to someone in your family or circle of friends? This is an awful burden to be carrying and I genuinely fear for you.

I can see exactly what you're doing here. You're bargaining with yourself. You're making excuses for him and making out that it's not so bad really.

Why are you so afraid of losing a man who thinks so little of you that he turns to other women? Are you terrified of being single again?

Colser

Speaking from experience I would advise you not to mention the texts/pictures ect. You will be showing your hand too soon and he will wiggle out of it (probably twisting it to being your fault somehow).

Id go down the line of saying that you feel something is different about the relationship,maybe ask if he has been contacting anyone else or corresponding online with anyone ect. Sounds sneaky I know but I feel this wont end well and when he turns it all on you(its all in your head ect) at least you have something that proves to you that you are not in the wrong here.

I wouldnt feel one bit guilty for checking the phone(this will probably be flung at you also) but I would DEFINITELY keep the proof to yourself and also copy it so that he cannot delete and deny it.

It hurts OP but you have to look after yourself here..every couple argues/fights but that not an excuse to go lying to your ex and looking for pics ect.

Try not to lose the cool when speaking with him or you will blab the lot and he will know exactly what you know about what he has been up to..I know this all sounds OTT but unfortunately thats the position he has put you in imo.

CaraMay

You are chasing smoke here op. You eoll never truly have this fella as his mind is elsewhere. You are going yourself a huge injustice by accepting this level of deception and disrespect. You've a long life ahead and if you think he's the best you can do them it's going to be painfully long.

mapaca

You say you love him and would hate to lose him, but it seems he doesn't love you, sorry OP. He doesn't respect you if he's exchanging these messages and photos with other women. You can do better. You deserve better.

PressRun

Leave him. First of all, you clearly don't trust him, as you've felt compelled to go through his phone. Secondly, he doesn't respect you and is not on the same page as far as your relationship goes. He's behaving as though he's still a free agent, while you're snooping through his phone, trying to catch him out. There's nothing healthy about this at all.

red dress

Thank you Colsor. You are correct, any arguments end in me saying sorry and its always twisted to me being in the wrong. I have taken pictures of the texts and pics and hidden them on my phone. I had intended to talk to him tonight but he is in bed now. I think your approach is a better option for me. I am relatively calm over this. I'm reflecting on the fact that in 2015 the texts were friendly and no other intentions where mentioned, so it might only be a friendship now. But still its an Ex and he is approaching her telling lies. I know this sounds like excuses for him but I'm really trying to make sense of it all. What I cant understand is they are friends on Facebook and we have loads of photos together and I tag him in everything. I know she is on Facebook as her relationship status was updated within the last few months, yet my name is not mentioned in the texts or Facebook messages.
I just want to sit down and talk it out and try and find out whats going on in his head. I'm very worried but want to save the relationship.

Ursus Horribilis

So in other words, you're desperately blundering around for a reason to stay in this relationship and that's why you started this thread. You wanted some way to come to terms with what he's been up to. You are very clearly looking for any excuse to put to bed your doubts about his inappropriate behaviour. If he says anything encouraging at all, you can go stick your head in the sand again. Let's face it. You are so terrified of being single that you've lowered your standards and will put up with just about anything.

Colser

OP what possible acceptable excuse can he give you for the texts and pics?

Saipanne

You've already lost him, op. And you're better off.

gothic_doll

Op, from your further responses I feel you are being very reasonable.

I agree with an earlier post - don't tell him you have seen the texts yet, and see how he directs the prospective conversation on that basis.

If he hasn't seemed to do anything with other women (overt flirting etc) for the past year, then it may not be ongoing, and leaving him may be a mistake at this stage - however he needs to work on various things if you are to stay together. Otherwise it will flare up again.

You realised he was texting the ex whenever you had an argument. This shows he is very insecure. It also shows he doesn't respect you, and deals with things on quite a selfish level at present.

I get a sense this could be a recurring problem unless he deals with the present - ie you have an argument, currently he responds by blaming you and texting other women (this is what you guess happens as you posted.)

If he lived in the present, took responsibility and tried to solve problems instead of running away, he would resolve the argument instead. He wouldn't feel insecure as his security shouldn't be threatened by an argument with his girlfriend. He should be thinking about the problem (the argument) and not himself.

The reason he doesn't mention you/she doesn't mention you in the messages, is he is trying to create a fantasy world in those messages where the partner doesn't exist. In those conversations, he is a single man, and it may lull the girl into believing it. If something isn't mentioned it's easy to forget it. He feels more secure by not investing 100% into any situation. By stepping out of it and messaging another woman, it gives him an excuse not to deal with the present.