Need Advice: Turning my Life Around

LegacyUser

Hi boards.ie, I am going anon to make this post as I just really need some non judgmental advice/help and don't know who else to turn to. I'm really struggling with life at the minute and with new years coming up I had a lot of reflecting to do and realised I need to change my life. It takes a lot for me to share this with people and it took me a lot of contemplation before deciding to post here and share my problem, so I hope I don't mess up or sound stupid along the way. This might be a very long and repetitive sounding post FYI, so apologies in advance.

I'm a 24 year old male, and I just feel like I'm worthless. I feel like I add nothing to the world, to my life, to anyone's life, and I have practically no self esteem and/or confidence. There's lots of reasoning behind this, and they are things about my life I want to change for the better in the future. I will give some background info, while trying to keep it brief ; when I was 18 I went through a lot of bad issues in life (my mother became a full fledged alcoholic, huge family problems etc). I also had low self esteem anyway at that age, and I went through a lot of personal issues myself with depression and feeling low. I barely opened a book in leaving cert, and managed to scrape about 250 points. It's not bad but definitely not the best I could have done.

After my LC, I had no motivation to do anything. My life was turned upside down with family issues, my mum doing a runner on the family didn't help us either. I got a poor LC, had no self esteem in general (I am quite overweight, kinda poor socially etc), and while friends were having fun and going to college, living their lives etc, I was just an emotional wreck and didn't want to face anyone or anything. I hated myself so much. I admit it was a defeatist thing to do, but I locked myself away like a recluse in my bedroom. I signed on to the dole and looked for work since I wasn't going to college, but because I live in a small town, I never heard back from anyone. My CV was/is also pretty sparce, with nothing more than a mediocre LC as my only real "achievement", so it was no wonder employers were not interested in hiring me. This fact coupled with even more family issues (wont go into it) made me hit an all time low.

During this time I (with some minor help from my family, although I did 90% of the graft) was supporting two younger siblings (paying bills/rent, shopping, cooking, cleaning, helping with homework etc) because my mother had left the family in the dark (alcohol addiction) completely, and my father wasn't a part of my life. I gave blood, sweat and tears to make sure what little family I had some how stayed together, and we barely scraped by with my social welfare payment and stray contributions I got from estranged older brothers/sisters. I was just so upset, and I tried so hard to secure some form of income/change in my life, but it never came. I felt stuck, and overwhelmed by the massive responsibility that was thrown on my lap on top of everything else. I felt like a single parent at times

A year or so passed and I visited my GP on a whim because I was tired of feeling fed up, my situation hadn't changed, and I wanted help. Long story short I was put on prozac and referred to a therapist. I hated the therapy sessions and the meds made me feel so much worse, so I stupidly stopped and fell back into old ways. My family never knew about all of this because, long story short, we are a quite dysfunctional family and I just had no one to turn to. I was so upset, and in turn I turned that into more negative things ; I was lazy, self loathing, jealous (of other people), and my social skills were dwindling due to me being so reclusive. I really hated myself and my situation, and looking back, I could have tried harder. My anxiety got worse and worse, and my contact with other people became next to none, and because I wasn't actively part of a routine (school, work, college etc), I didn't meet or interact with new people.

I stupidly did this until I was about 21, which equals about 3 years of being a recluse, not working, not interacting with people, not going out, not working towards solidarity in my life. I didn't care about myself ; I had no reason to get up in the morning, and I began to self harm and think about suicide a lot at this age. I would actively burn myself, starve myself, and sometimes badly cut myself just because I felt like I needed punishment. Whenever I drank I became worse and sometimes wrote out suicide notes and attempted to kill myself, only to stop myself out of cowardice, which in turn led to even more self hatred. I was on the verge of breaking down.

About the age of 22, my situation was the same, but things kind of looked up, as my mother showed back up again after so long. My older sister also had a baby, so that also helped to bring the family back together. My mum went to rehab and cleared her act up, and started helping out with her newborn grandchild and at home with me and my siblings. I did a lot of reflecting too and wanted to change myself as well. Over the next while I felt a lot happier with how my life had changed, I had a whole new sense of self worth that came with my niece being born. I didn't want to hurt myself anymore and my opinion of myself changed for the better. I decided to try and go to college as finding work seemed like a lost avenue. I took what little points I had and applied to the CEO and long story short, ended up getting into college and starting that Sept. I began working towards a degree that would take me 4 years.

Things started off good but only stayed on the up for a few short months. College was great, I was making lots of new friends (began to get a lot more social, self esteem was rising), and was flying my classes and exams. Money was tight and I barely managed to scrape by every week with very high bus fare and with handing up money for my keep/help with bills etc at home. I was happy, though, for the most part. I tried to find some weekend work for some pocket money/savings money but again, I found it increasingly hard if not impossible. All was well and good until my mother lapsed and again everything in the family caved in. Long story short, I had no choice but to leave college, and before I knew it I sank back into an old way of life too.

I'm happy to say that things currently are again back on the up, in general. My mother hasn't drank in two years and the family is all talking again. My niece is a big part of our lives now and she really makes me feel like a new person. This christmas has been great, and I've been doing a lot of thinking, which led me to making this post. I want to change my life. I realize I'm not getting any younger, I'm 24, with so many hangups in my life ; no work experience due to being a recluse for so long, a very, very bare CV, issues with self esteem ; I'm quite over weight, have literally no experience with the opposite sex (never had a gf, still a virgin, no sexual experience etc), bad social skills etc. I'm trying not to get down and back to my own ways, but it's hard when my view of myself is so low At my age, I feel like I have NOTHING of value in my life; no job, no job prospect, no goals, no achievements on my CV, no formal education beyond secondary school. I still live at home, I'm a borderline 25 year old virgin etc. My life feels like one big embarrassment. I feel like a loser and self loathing feelings haunt me still, but I REALLY want to change, I just don't know where to start Is it too late for me?

What are my options? I want to try and get myself out there, but how do I with so little on my CV? Employers won't take notice of me due to severe lack of experience, yet I need work to find exp, and exp to find work, so it feels pointless trying. I won't give up and want to change so I really need some advice on how I can do this. I could go back to college, but, I can't see myself struggle away with college for 4 years, barely making it by. I'd have no money too because it's likely I will be relying on BTEA again and just scraping by. Best case scenario I get my degree at the age of 29! Maybe the college ship has sailed for me, I just feel like it's passed me by, but I won't rule it out as an option. I want to lose weight, I want to improve my image and my feelings about myself, I want to feel attractive to the opposite sex, I just want to feel worth, in some way, shape or form, in my life, because I never really have. It feels so strange to be in my position at my age, and it feels self perpetuating in that the longer I put all these things off, the harder they become to change. I don't know where to start with changing my life, it keeps me up at night and makes my head spin, I just know I need/want to change and need some advice, is all.

To anyone who took the time to read all of this, thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time out of your day over the holiday period to listen to a poor sod like me rant.

Xterminator

hi.

have you re-read your post?

let me tell you - you sound like a great person. you said

I feel like I add nothing to the world, to my life, to anyone's life

but you go on to tell how you almost single handedly managed to keep your 2 younger siblings lives on track, when the alternate would probably have been them being taken into care.

you did this at some cost to yourself and your career. can i just say it shows you are a caring resourceful person. Can you see that? can you acknowledge that you have done a selfless think that is good, and praise worthy?

I understand you have concerns about your cv and college. It is time to allow yourself to work on these without lookinbg back on your life as some failure when it was not.

would you consider writing in your CV that you were a carer full time . your mum was sick and cared for her and your 2 younger siblings.
That will explain gaps.

and as for college boat having sailed. no way. i did a BSc in IT when in my late 30s> you may not be able to attend full time, but that wont stop you. because you can do this.

But you need to love yourself. at the 1st step will be to appreciate what you have achieved under difficult circumstances.

via4

Oh my god I have just read your post and can I just say I admire you so much you sound like a real man! So impressed with how you looked after the house and family while your mother was going through her issues. You can actually use these experiences to your advantage. You have had what is called "life experience" which is you have had more to deal with than all those college people. I would be honest in an interview and cv and say your studies were delayed due to being a caregiver in the home for the last few years with your mother being unwell. This shows you take responsibility. Definitely look into a course again and start over coming from a girl do u understand how amazing that is to find a guy that is not a player! Being a virgin at your age is something to be proud of and when you do start dating you can just say to the girl either you wanted to wait for the right girl or just lightly say do you know what I had that much going on the last few years I was like a single mother I never seen the inside of a pub hehe... Make it light and breezy ya get me as for the losing weight game as hard as it is you just need to get I into a gym or start running the roads and start eating your meat and nut breakfast and raw veggies and carbs for dinner and things will start changing you have all the good things in life to look forward to and you are a fighter I can tell from your post and also a positive strong person. Best of luck keep ya posted

castaway_lady

I agree with the previous poster, you are WAY underestimating yourself and what you have achieved. You stepped up to the mark when your family needed you to provide. Give yourself due credit here. Yea you've dealt with a pile of crap and you've survived it and no doubt learned a lot of life lessons from it that will serve you well for the rest of your life- which brings me to my next point- you are still SO SO YOUNG. Therefore you have plentiful time to forge a future for yourself. It's almost a new year and therefore is a good time to plan forward.

The gf/experience thing really isn't the whopping issue you perceive it to be. So start with the career plan. You do need to pick up some qualifications. I dont know what field you previously studied in before but why not take a step by step approach to that.
You could look at springboardcourses.ie and see if there's anything there or maybe a better option for you right now is a Further Education course i.e. QQI (fetac) Level 5 that would last from September till early May and would give you a qualification fast and work experience on your cv. You can always upskill to degree level part time later if you need to. Now is the ideal time to look at those options because applications are opening.

You will explain your past without too much difficulty at interview. You were caring for and supporting your siblings so that needed to take priority for that time in your life and now it's time for something else to take priority i.e. yourself. Course directors and employers would be impressed with this. You have developed a sense of responsibility from it/ budgeting skills/ organisational skills from running a household and minors.

You can move forward if you dont get bogged down in comparing your pathway to others- theres no point, you took different routes to the present. That doesnt mean that your route wont get you where you want to be. Get active for the sake of your physical and mental health and get planning and moving on things.

dellas1979

You should really rewrite your post in the positive (if even for your own personal benefit).

Because all I can read is a child himself at the time, stepping up to the plate, and taking responsibility. The child is now a man, and he deserves his own happiness.

You really need to work on reframing all this in your head.
And now is your time.

Pick what you feel you need to deal with immediately. I.e., You need to deal emotionally with what you've been through (and leave it in the past). You can loose weight (you need to educate yourself how in diet and exercise), you can educate yourself (you need to realise what you are interested in, and go find out more information).

I personally think if you focus on these aspects first (like laying a good foundation, along with your past experiences), you will without doubt be fending off the ladies, as you seem so lovely.

But, as per above, first you need to get your ownself happy.

LegacyUser

I don't see a loser which you seem to think you are in this post. I see a young man who stepped up to the mark and cared for two younger children when his mother had issues.
You kept the family together and managed on a small amount of money doing this.
I know adults a lot older than you that would not have managed to do this.
I would put down your cv that you were a career for x number of years as you have younger siblings and your mother had poor health.

I know you feel in regards to being overweight. I have been overweight for years. Last year I joined slimming world and lost 4 stone. I learned how to eat properly and got great support from other people who were losing weight also. If you get the Woman magazine dated 31 Dec they have an offer in it to join sw for €9 instead of €18. When you start to eat better you will feel better.
I can tell you how nice is it for people to say how well you look and buying clothes is a lot easier also.

In regards to you lack of job/education I would start to look at courses through intro/fas. They have a number of course from apprenticeships, office, computing ect. Many are vocational based and offer work experience as part of them. You can gain a skills along with experience. These can help you get into the work place quicker. In time you as you gain more work experience you can see what skills or further education would be better for you then. If the course you like is not avaiable in a local training certre you can get an allowance for living away from home. It is not a large amount but just be aware that it is available.
A year long course say from Sep 2016 to May 2017 could a the start of your career and could lead to any number of things over the next few years.

You need to work on your weight and read up on the course available. Could you talk to an adult you trust about what you should do now? Could you talk to a former teacher or career guidence teacher in your old school? Have you older relatives who are working and who could give you some advice?

After all you have done for your family you need to put yourself first and move on with your own life. Your time has come for this. I want to wish you a very happy 2016 because you deserve this.

stupid_is_as _stupid_does

You have to get positive in your own head that you were a carer for the past number of years and did an admirable thing. However, you have to act now to get your life back on track for your own sake. Do not let anything derail you. It would be too easy to let a relapse by your mother drag you back to where you dont want to be. You cant let this happen ever. You have older siblings and if necessary you need to force or shame them into helping out if this happens. You have done your part.

As others have said you are young and if you act now for your career, your health and your self worth you can go on to have a healthy happy fulfilling life. You did an admirable self sacrificing thing for the past number of years. Now you have to be somewhat selfish. Come up with a plan and stick to it.

I have a good friend since we were early twenties. One of the most caring talented people i have ever known. He has allowed his mothers mental health issues to drag him back down every time he has tried to do something with himself. He also has older sibling who have done nothing and he has allowed his mother to guilt him into staying around. He had made real attempts to get his life back on track but he allowed himself to be derailed. We have tried over and over to get him to do something but he keeps falling back into same rut. He is now well into his thirties I am still certain he could turn it around if he can stop letting those close to him keep leeching off his caring nature.

I am not telling you this for any reason other than to tell you that you are very young and have it all ahead of you. You are in a situation that if you decide to act and put your own happiness health and success first you have every chance to succeed but you cannot keep falling back into your old rut. Make a plan now, today and start acting on it. Most importantly do not let any setbacks derail you. You are stronger than most having experienced what you have. Use that strength.

Rachiee

Wow well done for keeping your family going when your mother was unwell that's amazing. You really don't give yourself enough credit for that.

You really are not late starting out your 24! People can turn their lives around at any stage 24 is not too late to go back to college and 29 is not late to be getting a degree sure you'll be working til you're 67 with any luck, get the degree you want to make those almost 40 years of work something you can feel satisfied by. BTEA is not much but it's do able and its worth the sacrifice.
Don't worry about body confidence and girls once your back in college that stuff will fall in to place, you can start by improving your diet though as that well also improve your mood and energy levels massively.

Best of luck OP you sound like an amazing guy

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, OP here. I am overwhelmed at the amount of replies this post received and even more taken aback with all the nice and encouraging things people have been saying. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for such kind words.

Reading all the replies had me really question myself if I maybe am/was too hard on myself. I'm seeing lots of praise and encouragement here from people and it's hard to believe because I'm not used to thinking that way or being told these things, so it was a shock for me, in a good way.

I'm going to take everything that everyone has said on board, like I said in my original post I want to re-evaluate myself and my life because I just feel like so much is missing. Getting it all out there in the open feels good and I am definitely adamant on changing and turning stuff around.

Thanks again to everyone for such nice replies, and a happy new year to all.

via4

Definitely keep us posted can't wait to hear about all the fantastic things that will happen for you in 2016