Did I ruin things with him?

LegacyUser

Hi all just posting here in the hopes that someone might have some perspective here. Things recently ended with a guy I was seeing and I am doing the usual going over things in my head, trying to figure out what happened.
I'm 29 and he is 28. Met on tinder. Seemed to hit it off fairly quickly. Met up a number of times. Things were going well and in my head I had started to fall for him. He gave the impression he was really interested through arranging meet ups during the week, mentioning going out for dinner to a nice restaurant over Christmas, telling me he liked me and talking of how good things were between us. All was going well until a month in and this is where I am thinking I ruined things. He used to contact me everyday to every 2nd day and would always be really chatty in messages etc etc. One day he seemed cold with me and said he couldn't meet until maybe another day the following week as we couldn't see each other all the previous week due to various stuff we both had on. For some reason I got a gut feeling he had lost interest and I can out and said to him sounded like he had lost interest or wanted to leave things and just to let me know if he did. He replied "if that's what you think of me fair enough". I said maybe I was picking things up wrong and had got the wrong impression and if so sorry. He said he wanted to stay meeting up just it was a busy time for him. We left it at that.
Contact had all but disappeared over the next week and a half so the last time we were in contact which I initiated I just ended it with him and said things changed very quickly with us and might be better to leave things. He replied ok thanks, I was a really nice girl who deserves good things, he wanted it to work but he is an asshole yet again.
I have been thinking about this all over Christmas, it just happened a week and a half ago and I am wondering if I did something wrong. I think I may have put him under pressure but I did not mean to. I just really liked him and thought there was definitely something between us. Just how he changed so quick was completely out of character for him. Guess I am just disappointed things didn't work out and wondering if I had a part to play. That is the general gist of what happened didn't want it to be a very long post.

magneticimpulse

Is he still on tinder? Do you think he just met someone else on the app? Why did he say he was an asshole again? Did he tell you he is normally an asshole to women? Does he even live in Ireland or was he just visiting his family back here over the christmas?

Tinder is very fickle. It is very easy to go from person to person on tinder with no need for commitment. You will find all sorts of guys on there and the successful ones on it will use it to their advantage.

Tinder relationships is like a night out in coppers. There are success stories but they are few and far between.

If someone likes you and ye click and get on you wouldn't need to think what you did "wrong" - because it would just work.

Believe me if a guy likes you there will be no pressure. He will want to spend time with you. If he is too laid back, chances are he is just isn't into you.

I would give him one last try to see if ye can meet up for a coffee - it will either go well or ye will decide it's not meant to be

drunkmonkey

He's just played you and won, you thinking its your fault suits him fine. Most lads on tinder I know have multiple women on the go at one time. He just moved to plan b.
Maybe do yourself a favour and delete the app.

dimko

drunkmonkey wrote: »

He's just played you and won, you thinking its your fault suits him fine. Most lads on tinder I know have multiple women on the go at one time. He just moved to plan b.
Maybe do yourself a favour and delete the app.

Sounds like broad generalization, but yeah, it may be possible that he found someone else.
I am on dating sites all time, I don't bother deleting profile. I don't visit them when dating someone, but I still have the profile. It's not reliable way to tell if he is dating anyone else. Same, if he is in Tinder, it's just because he learned, that dating person - doesn't mean he should create new profile every time.

Username here

wasitme wrote: »

Guess I am just disappointed things didn't work out and wondering if I had a part to play.

Personally, I would think yes, definitely. You guys were messaging every day or two, had been on a few dates with them, and from what you've said, he'd made it clear that he thought things were going well between you two, and that he liked you. You then think he's gone "cold" on you (presumably on the basis of the content of a text or two, and because he can't meet you until the following week). There are any one of a multitude of reasons he might have seemed "cold" if he wasn't as friendly as usual when texting you that day - family or work issues, in other people's company..... hell, he could even have been under pressure at lunchtime buying you a nice Christmas present

In his position, given how well YOU have described things were working, if you told me that you thought I'd lost interest on the basis of a "cold" text or two, I'd find it strange that you'd arrive at such a conclusion, and might wonder whether or not I wanted to further establish a relationship with someone who may need reassurance that I haven't lost interest any time my texts aren't warm enough for her, or if things are very busy for me and I couldn't see you until the following week. I would imagine that, upon reflection, I'd come to the conclusion that I would not want to get any further involved with someone who asks if I've lost interest when things (again - only as you have described) appear to be going so well.

LegacyUser

Op here. I forgot to mention the week before I asked was everything ok the contact had decreased big time. I apologised for coming across that I was demanding and was genuinely happy with things they way they were between us. When we were last in contact I said I felt I had no option to end it as things had changed between us and felt it was a matter of time before he did. He then said he didn't change and it was me who changed, saying that when I was gone away for a weekend he didn't go on about it. Just to make it clear it wasn't the fact we couldn't meet for a while that bothered me, it was the fact the contact that week had nearly disappeared and I only found out he couldn't meet when I texted him.
I apologised again for the misunderstanding and saying I didn't think it was a big deal and would like to see each other again and sorry if I came across like a b****. He said I'm not but things just won't work.
I am kicking myself here as I think he has probably met someone else off the app when I thought he wasn't that into me before. It was my own insecurities that came into play and I've been stringed along enough by guys to now have an idea when something is turning out this way. I think I could have ruined something really good and it kills me as by nature, despite how it comes across I am not demanding and was happy to still see each other the way things are. I feel I want to contact him again and explain it could have been my insecurities but other part of says leave it alone, he has either met someone else or just I turned him off completely.

batmanrobin

I dunno, OP. It could be that he was legitimately busy. However, the fact that he referred to himself as an asshole would have me thinking he's a bit of a drama queen. It just seems an OTT response from him. All he had to do in reply to your text asking had he lost interest was to give a simple straightforward no.

Go with what your gut is telling you.

Matteroffact

You were not at fault OP, so stop tormenting yourself. You did nothing wrong. This relationships fizzled out before it got started and that's the way things go sometimes. You are disappointed but it is better to know now and move on than to be strung along for another few months. We have a tendency to blame ourselves when relationships go sour because it is easier to do that than to admit to ourselves that the other party has lost interest. You were just being yourself so you have nothing to be sorry about.

magneticimpulse

If you ever contact this guy again do not mention anything negetaive about yourself. Would you point out all of your insecurities at a job interview or at work in genera? Most likely not!

If you want to contact him...just msg saying hope he had a great christmas and would he like to catch up in the new year. That would be enough for him to know you are interested.

If he is not interested he is just not that into you. It would take a lot more than what you did for a guy to loose interest if He was really into you. So stop beating yourself over the head. It's just wasting time that you could be spending with a new guy who will be into you!! And stop pushing guys away when you do find one you like - treat them like you would any friend.