Sleep Lighter?

LegacyUser

Hey Guys,

I was just hoping to get some advice from more experienced parents. We recently had our first child and bar the tiredness and madness we are both really enjoying having the little one in our lives.

However, because I am a very very heavy sleeper i don't hear the little lady crying and night and my wife has been doing most of the night feeds. This has lead to a few arguments along the lines of 'If you really cared you would wake up!' to which i dont really have a defence.. I feel terrible about this. On the odd occasion my wife has woken me up and im more than happy to go all the night feeds cause my wife has her during the day.

Any tips on how to sleep a little lighter?

Thanks

New Dad

Merkin

Don't worry. When you have a little one, Mums just sleep with one ear open. You can hear you baby stirring oftentimes before they even cry, it's just biology, don't be too hard on yourself if you don't hear your little one.

If you're happy to help with night feeds just ask your wife to give you a nudge to get up, this seems like the best solution and one that worked for my husband and I in the early days.

Finally, congratulations on your new baby and enjoy every moment

LegacyUser

I have been asking her to wake me, but because she is a naturally a light sleeper she expects me to be too. Hopefully with some arm pulling she'll start poking me more lol

gotasmoke

I've been in your shoes and as the previous poster said, it's biology. There are studies that show women, rather than men, are more likely to wake at the sound of a baby crying. Maybe it's maternal instinct, I don't know tbh.

But all you can do is tell your wife that you're willing to help out and if the little one cries, she should wake you so that you can deal with it and let her go back to sleep.

You could also offer to let her have lie ins when she has been awake during the night and you can get the little one up instead.

Congrats on the new arrival, it gets easier.

LegacyUser

HeavySleepingDad wrote: »

'If you really cared you would wake up!' to which i dont really have a defence..

Yes, you do. One of the ways in which men's and women's brains are structured differently lies in the function you're both experiencing at different ends of the scale right now. The actual structure responsible is, if memory serves, the K Complex. Women are programmed so as to be able to sleep through many things, then wake immediately on hearing a baby crying, men can sleep through a baby crying while lying on their chest, but be up an at 'em when a noise suggests danger. That's a paraphrase obviously and you can research it further yourself, but the essential point is that you're both hardwired for differing roles here. You might find the solution lies in apportioning different responsibilities during the waking hours, maybe you do more then and she can relax a bit, then the roles change at night. I don't know if that approach could work for you, but I do know that it's not worth fighting with each other over an issue which has its origins in human evolution and is not some conscious choice on your part and may not be in your control in any way. It would make as much sense to fall out over the fact that she went through labour and you didn't, that's just they way we're all made.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I didn't want to bring up the biology defense because to be fair she is doing loads of the work at the moment (i am at work 9-5 monday to friday) and I didn't want to suggest to one minute that it's 'her job'..

But i could def suggest that saturday and sunday mornings are hers to lie in. Great idea.

I usually cook the dinner when im home, but i'll try and take the little one then too and send herself off for a bath or sleep.

racso1975

Been like you too op. There was nothing I could do. Only thing was though when ever she was not there I would wake. Came to agreement that at least once a week she'd go to spare room with ear plugs or sisters house.

strandroad

Forget about these evolution excuses, I know plenty of couples where it's the mother who sleeps like a log, it's all individual!
I don't think you can learn to sleep lighter but ask your wife to wake you up, hopefully she can then go back to sleep, it all takes some time before such rhythms coordinate. Or if her night is ruined anyway, try and rearrange your evenings or mornings so that she can have a few hours of uninterrupted sleep and does not turn into a zombie...

Ann84

Put the crib on your side of the bed and ask your wife to wake you...
Or if the baby is in another room and you use a monitor - invent one that changes the sound of baby cries to a car alarm sound as apparently that will wake you up before your wife (if you believe the male/ female sound affective differences)!

bluetomato

It's nothing to do with caring, some people are just heavier sleepers. My ex never woke up at all when baby was crying. I woke him up once and once only to get him to feed the baby, fell straight back asleep myself as fast as only a sleep deprived parent can and woke up a minute later with him holding the crying baby but after falling fast asleep himself so I just took over then.

I could cope well with the night feeds so it didn't really bother me, he'd get up both days on the weekends though to let me sleep in so that made up for it.

I used to have one of those angelcare monitors and there was 2 times when I forgot to switch it off when I took baby out of the cot and both times the alarm went off he woke up instantly and went straight to the cot but yet he just never woke to the babies cry!

Congratulations by the way

woodchuck

HeavySleepingDad wrote: »

This has lead to a few arguments along the lines of 'If you really cared you would wake up!'

This is ridiculous. You're a heavy sleeper, that's all. You shouldn't be made feel guilty about that.

Just ask her to wake you up more often so you can help out!

bp

The comment about not caring is the exhaustion talking. If she isn't bf have her sleep in a different room or elsewhere so she can sleep or express a bottle (but she may wake uncomfortable).

I second letting her sleep in at weekends, take the baby each morning (believe me being at home with a baby is more tiring than work) or take the baby out for a few hours so she can rest

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the messages guys. Some really good suggestions. Going to try the one night a week in another room and i have suggested i take the little one off to my mams on saturday morning (mam is dieing to mind her) and ill take her to the park etc on sunday mornings.

Thanks again

uck51js9zml2yt

We've had 2 and my wife is the heavy sleeper with me doing night feeds on both of them.
I found myself waking with the slightest wimper from junior.
There's a reason for her not waking with a baby screaming in her ear so we just get on with it.

To be fair, I'm getting over major surgery and was sleeping in the other room the last few months so she's been waking up with junior.

At this stage she's probably just exhausted with looking after the baby day and night. Take over when you come in from work and at weekends and give her a few hours to herself.

Wompa1

A previous relationship of mine ended because I slept through some missed calls, the phone kept ringing. I answered and said something harsh, apparently. I have no memory of actually answering the phone.

I'm a very heavy sleeper too and she pulled the "if you cared" card on me too. It's bogus.

I'll be having my first kid in Feb. She's well aware at this stage that I'm a heavy sleeper. I've told her, we'll try to do it in shifts. I'll take before 3am, she can take after. Then, I'll try to stay up until 1am or 1:30am. So, if baby cries before 3, hopefully I'll be sleeping lightly enough at that stage that I'll wake, check my phone and say f**k

Saipanne

HeavySleepingDad wrote: »

Hey Guys,

I was just hoping to get some advice from more experienced parents. We recently had our first child and bar the tiredness and madness we are both really enjoying having the little one in our lives.

However, because I am a very very heavy sleeper i don't hear the little lady crying and night and my wife has been doing most of the night feeds. This has lead to a few arguments along the lines of 'If you really cared you would wake up!' to which i dont really have a defence.. I feel terrible about this. On the odd occasion my wife has woken me up and im more than happy to go all the night feeds cause my wife has her during the day.

Any tips on how to sleep a little lighter?

Thanks

New Dad

This is purely a guess, but surely there is some wristband that vibrates when the baby's monitor detects crying?

JJayoo

Just ask your wife to wake you, job done

Senna

I'm a heavy sleeper but I find if I know I'm on duty that night, I'll actually wake on her first cry. If I know the wife is going to be getting up, I'll sleep straight through crying and screaming.

Funny story, the first night my wee girl slept through the night was while the wife was in hospital, I knew she didn't wake as I kept waking every few minutes to check she was ok.
I didn't want to tell the wife she slept through the night incase she just figured I never woke when baby woke. Thankfully baby slept through the following night after when the wife was home, so she had to believe me.

bp

I would give her two nights in a row off in a week.....I used to find that I would wake exhausted after one night sleep, always needed a second full night to actually catch up.

But good work giving mornings off

LegacyUser

Mammy to an 18 month old here (with no.2 on the way). The first 6 weeks (6 months? Still?!!) I slept with an ear open. The first few weeks I actually used to set alarms on my phone for every 3 hours to wake me coz I was so terrified I wouldn't hear her, but you do.

My mother - practical woman who had 4 kids - told me before I had no.1 that I should do the night feeds most of the week, and let OH do one night while I sleep in the other room. While I didn't fully agree with that, it actually often ended that way. Her point was that there is no point in both of you being completely wiped out from being up all night. Now she WAS right on that point! I often would do most of the nights then give up around the 6am feed, and wake OH to do it. It suited when he went back to work because meant that he got one feed in when he was due to get up anyway.

You do what you have to get you through, but you should have a chat about it and try to work something out. You'll still be exhausted (18 months later, that hasn't changed much!) but at least if one of you is a slight degree less exhausted than the other, you can muddle through the day better.Make sure you keep talking about it though, because you're plumbing the depths of sleep exhaustion and to be honest, are unable to cope very well with pretty much anything, I found!!

And if you even take the baby to watch TV while giving your wife an hour or so to sleep during the day, that will help her get through the night too....your time becomes more about snatching a few hours sleep here and there, rather than a block of sleep only at night.

Enjoy it anyway, there's nothing like sitting there with your tiny baby on your chest asleep. After all the madness, it's a beautiful feeling.