Broken Man

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I posted awhile ago that I found out my ex girlfriend cheated on me etc, and obviously should have moved on etc. Since then I've been really struggling. Drinking a lot more, gambling a lot more and taking drugs, and I never used to take drugs. I've been using them as escapism

I found out yesterday that the person she cheated on me with, shes recently had sex with him. And it destroyed, I was distraught. We hadn't been in contact for a couple of weeks and she text me.

I then stupidly asked the question had she slept with anyone else.She told me and I eventually told me who it was.

I don't really know how to process this. I've been really struggling the past while. After we broke up we were meeting up every so often and having sex, but I wanted to cut all contact because it was mentally killing me.

And after finding that out, I feel like I'm back where I was months ago.

All help appreciated.

Michelle_b

I'm really sorry you are going through a tough time like this. I think you need to def cut contact and focus on you. You need to get yourself back together and it will take time. What you are using as an escapism is not actually helping you but making you feel even more down. Try find things you used to enjoy whether it be a sport or some interest or hobby. Spend time with people , family or friends and stay busy that way. Give yourself time and you will get there... She isn't worth it if she treated you like that. Hope you are feeling better soon. Time is healer in this

racso1975

There are things we dont need to know op and one of them is finding out who and ex has slept with/is sleeping with or even just shifting.

Unfortunately being the nosey gits we are we ask or try to find out.

As for you my friend you need to start healing and moving on. Think about her for one minute. She cheated on you when together. .....and is now having sex with that same person shortly after you called time on your meet ups. It might be hard to hear but she does not give your feelings a second thought.

Your main problem is you are escalating 3 very addictive behaviours that are a nightmare individually never mind combined.

May I ask you to expand upon each one in relation to how often how much what other parts of your life is it affecting?

LegacyUser

racso1975 wrote: »

There are things we dont need to know op and one of them is finding out who and ex has slept with/is sleeping with or even just shifting.

Unfortunately being the nosey gits we are we ask or try to find out.

As for you my friend you need to start healing and moving on. Think about her for one minute. She cheated on you when together. .....and is now having sex with that same person shortly after you called time on your meet ups. It might be hard to hear but she does not give your feelings a second thought.

Your main problem is you are escalating 3 very addictive behaviours that are a nightmare individually never mind combined.

May I ask you to expand upon each one in relation to how often how much what other parts of your life is it affecting?

Hi,

I think some part of me just wants us to go back to the way we where, even though that will never be the case. I agree she acts ridiculous selfish, even when she text me the other day before I asked had she slept with anyone she was annoyed that I didn't want to speak calling me a 'sap'

Gambling: I have always gambled, and to be honest quite successful at it. But lately I've been going to the casinos really drunk and losing like 400-500quid which is way more than I would normally bet.

Alcohol: I tend to drink it to escape and get a 'decent' night sleep, even though I'm effectively only passing out. I seem immune to hangovers lately.I woke up Sunday after the 12 pubs with my friends and in the evening she text me, even the fact she text me made me want a drink and just bail on it. Then when I asked the question I went straight to the pub, without eating all day.

Drugs: Lately been using recreational drugs, rarely, but still doing some. Before I was never doing any sort of drugs.

In terms of what the above are effecting :

It doesn't effect my work life. I love my job, and only got this job after we broke up and I thought it would be a fresh start.

I guess you can say it's really effecting me financially and mentally.

pgj2015

why did you ask her if she had slept with anyone? That was only looking for trouble op, You should of been trying to forget about her, the minute you found out she cheated, you should of cut her out of your life, she is using you and hurting you,she is bad news. Get rid of her or you will only feel worse, delete her number, block and delete her on social media and try and enjoy the Christmas and you have the new year to make a fresh start.

Ursus Horribilis

Well, for starters you MUST cut ALL contact with her right now. A large part of your current woes stems from you staying in touch with her. Having sex with her. Finding out what she was up to. Because you didn't cut her out of your life right there and then, you never properly broke up with her. You never grieved properly for the relationship. Now you're being hit with that grief and extra misery. You are right about one thing - because of what you've found out, you have put yourself back to where you were months ago.

So, just to hammer the point home. Block her number right now. If you've a smartphone that's easily done. Unfriend her on Facebook and block her profile so that you can't see what she's up to. Delete her from Viber/Whatsapp so you can't check to see when she was last online. Take her off Snapchat if you use that. In short, delete delete delete. She's bringing nothing but negativity into your life now.

As for the drinking, gambling and drug-taking: if you can't knock all of these on the head, then go to your GP and ask for help. At this stage you may need counselling or medication in the short term. You're on a self-pitying, self-destructing spiral right now and you could do yourself some very real harm.

If you're losing so much money at the gambling, then perhaps you should lodge most of your money into a post office account so you can't get your hands on it too easily. Just leave enough in your bank account to pay for the essentials. Get your credit card limit reduced.

Do you have any friends you can turn to? I get the impression you're doing a lot of these self-destructive things when you're on your own. If you could channel your energies into other activities it'd take your mind off her. This mess might not be affecting your job right now but believe me, if this continues it will

LegacyUser

Hi Again,

I've deleted her blocked on FB/Snapchat from ages ago. But I can still check hers through somebody elses FB. But I don't do that as much anymore.

I'll never block her number in case of an emergency. I never check her last online watsapp etc.Not anymore anyway.

Yes I do have friends, I called two of them on Sunday when I was sitting in the pub alone and both came and looked after me for the night.

Part me deep down thinks we'll still get back together, which really is a shocking thing to think after everything she has put me through. I actually had a decent meal today as opposed to the last 2 days, that's a positive I guess.

Merkin

What kind of emergency? I'm afraid that's a bit of a cop out as you don't actually need her number for anything. Delete it and be done with it, it will allow you start to move on in earnest. Every tenuous tie that you sever will help you heal.

Shrap

movingonup wrote: »

Part me deep down thinks we'll still get back together, which really is a shocking thing to think after everything she has put me through. I actually had a decent meal today as opposed to the last 2 days, that's a positive I guess.

Good for you OP - keep moving on up! But this part of you that thinks you might get back together....this hope that you're entertaining....is what is holding you back. Keeping her number in case of emergencies? Being honest with yourself, that's what you're letting this "hope" do to you. Leaving the number there on the off-chance that she'll call with some emergency only you can help her with? Holding you back. This "hope" is actively stopping you from deleting her number OP, and then you'll have the risk that she might phone and stir the sh1t for whatever reason she likes, or you might call her during a low point/drunken night. You need to take that hope away from yourself and then you can be free.

kylith

No emergency she will ever have again will be your problem OP. I hate to be harsh but you're nothing to her but some guy she was with for a while and cheated on. In the very, very unlikely case that she contacts you it'll just be to use you again and you'll land right back at square 1.

Delete her number, block her everywhere, and in a few weeks when you've gotten some distance and perspective you'll be glad you did.

Mr. Incognito

Unless you have kids you are lying to yourself mate.

I found out recently that that the woman I lived with, loved and planned to marry was in a full blown relationship with some other guy that she had been meeting for sex. I found out because she had backed up the whatsapp conversations and I got 275 intimate pages of detail that I read.

I have been hitting the bottle and Tinder hard but also the gym. I cannot express the release and relief you get from lifting weights. Try it.

Secondly, delete everything. I blocked her on facebook, whatsapp, snapchat, linkedin everything. I found the fella she was cheating with on facebook and blocked him too.

Secondly throw her under a bus. Tell everyone what she did. Your friends, family, work colleagues.

You have to cut the chord clean. It's not easy but the 5 stages of grief have to be gone through. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

I am at Bargaining right now thinking, hey it's not THAT bad. I could probably take her back. But its times like this I text my pal and say I am having a weak day and he gets me round. If I hadnt burnt those bridges for her then who knows how messy it would have gotten.

Best of luck my friend. It ain't easy. But you can make it easier on yourself by taking back the power and keeping your self respect.

LegacyUser

Hi All,

You're all correcting in saying there's no need for her number, I agree with this. But I'm not tempted to text/call her. Not one bit.

Everybody knows she cheated on me, all my family and friends. We found out on holidays and it was a horrific thing to witness, to see pics/messages etc. There's a lot of background to it(the story of finding out that is)

In regards to going to the gym. I used to love going, I even got her into the gym, and that's when she started changing I noticed, more cocky and looked for more attention etc. I went back for like a week or so after we broke up but then It was coming to the weekend and I was going on 3 day drinkings sessions barely eating and I just felt It was pointless me going to the gym.

She is deleted on everything. I havn't checked her FB or anything in a awhile or her Instagram etc. As I do have access through friends accounts. So I use will power.I really benefit nothing from checking.

It's our first Christmas/New Years not together in 3 years. It's also her birthday on New Years. So it's a really tough time around now.

Ursus Horribilis

Yes but you're not blocking her number, are you? Your logic seems to be that while you aren't tempted to contact her, she can still get back in touch for an "emergency". Blocking her number is a symbolic cutting of the cord that you don't seem to want to face.

LegacyUser

Odus fell down wrote: »

Yes but you're not blocking her number, are you? Your logic seems to be that while you aren't tempted to contact her, she can still get back in touch for an "emergency". Blocking her number is a symbolic cutting of the cord that you don't seem to want to face.

I don't think I've ready to do that. I still have some pictures of her on my phone, and although I don't look at them often, I'm still not ready to delete those either.

Shrap

movingonup wrote: »

I don't think I've ready to do that. I still have some pictures of her on my phone, and although I don't look at them often, I'm still not ready to delete those either.

Yeah...that's the "hope" part that's holding you back. The opposite of the hope is the "hopeless" feeling, which is what you don't want to address and is what you are doing everything in your power to escape - ie. drinking, gambling, drug binges. OP, I feel for you, I really do. But you're only putting off the inevitable here and dragging it out for yourself.

It would genuinely be a kindness to yourself to make a proactive move towards the pain that you will feel by deleting both her number and her photos. Like ripping off a plaster quickly. It'll hurt like fcuk, but you'll get better quicker.

I wish you strength and I hope you talk to your friends about how you're feeling.

silverbolt

movingonup wrote: »

Hi Again,

I've deleted her blocked on FB/Snapchat from ages ago. But I can still check hers through somebody elses FB. But I don't do that as much anymore.

I'll never block her number in case of an emergency. I never check her last online watsapp etc.Not anymore anyway.

Yes I do have friends, I called two of them on Sunday when I was sitting in the pub alone and both came and looked after me for the night.

Part me deep down thinks we'll still get back together, which really is a shocking thing to think after everything she has put me through. I actually had a decent meal today as opposed to the last 2 days, that's a positive I guess.

what your doing there is making a half assed attempt. Your justifying that your taking some action but your still leaving that door slightly open, and you tell yourself its for an emergency but you know deep down its not hence why you think youll get back together.

However it is a start. THe fact that your eating is a start, it means your starting to take the very first baby steps towards healing.

unless your developing a dependency then cut out the booze, drugs and gambling. That will not help in the long run.

It takes time, but eventually you will look back adn realise that you are healed and that you are far better off without someone like that in your life

Confucius say

I can tell you from experience my tried and tested method. You simply stop all communication and block any way you could snoop on her or anyone she knows.
I'm not really one to advise on drink or drugs because I tend to over indulge regardless of relationship struggles but if you cut this woman out and focus on improvement and rebuilding yourself you'll probably find yourself needing the escape less and less. Reach out to friends if you can but they'll get sick of you after a while, and at that stage you have to suck it up and get on with things. As my dad said to me during my most recent one - you're still young enough and in a good position with lots of future opportunities, whereas you could be a Syrian refugee or captured by ISIS or something. So look at the grand scheme of things. I sound like I work for these guys at this stage but I would encourage you to check out headspace.com which will really help you live in the moment and stop worrying.
We look towards the future and we mourn for what is not.

Wompa1

I'd say most of us have been through similar, OP. After a really bad break up, in which the ex cheated on me. I went 6 days without eating a single thing. I lost about 12 lbs. Looked like feckin' McGregor at the weigh in for his last fight.

You go through it all. Being spiteful towards the person and wanting to hurt them as much as they hurt you. Longing to hear from them, trying initiate conversation again. Becoming vulnerable with other people too...trying to get back in the saddle but feeling terrible at the same time.

It's a cliche and I know when people said it to me when I was going through mine, it angered me to hear it BUT time heals all wounds. It's possibly going to get even worse. You might feel very isolated. Just know that it's normal and just persevere and you'll get through it eventually.

You'll be much better off without her in the long run. In fact, you'll learn from your experience with her, what you don't want in a partner. You should probably cut out the drugs and drink. The gambling will probably follow too. It sounds like destructive behavior. It might help to go to counseling or talk to close friends, if you haven't already. You'll be ok! Good luck!

JJayoo

U need to avoid all contact. Have zero communication with her

StudentDad

Hi OP as others have said, you need to cut this woman out of your life. It looks like she's made her decision and isn't going to change it. Even if she did would you really want to be with a woman who betrayed you in such a way? How could you ever trust her again? I imagine your life ticked along quite nicely before she showed up, it will tick along with her gone from it. The best revenge is living well!

SD