Selfish Friends?

DeltaWhite

I've known my friends since school over 15 years. I'm finding in the last year that they are just more and more selfish and it's really getting me down. They were quite cruel to me at the weekend, and I'm seriously annoyed that they are treating me like this at Christmas.

I lost a parent last year and I'm still in a bad place obviously. I'm doing my best and have even gotten myself a new amazing job this year. I just find that my friends couldn't give two ****s about how I'm doing. My counsellor had warned me that this would happen. None of my friends have ever lost someone so close so they cant fully understand how I'm feeling, again that's fine. I'm old enough to know that I need to be independent and reliable for myself, and try not to rely on others for support, which saddens me a little bit, is that not what friends are for?

My issue is just how blatantly selfish they can be. They all smoke weed (I don't, another thing I don't have in common with them) and literally EVERY plan we make revolves around them being able to smoke weed. It drives me insane. If we go to a restaurant, they all bail outside between courses to smoke joints, and I just hate it. I'm not a prude at all, I don't judge anyone for what they do, not my business. But I've been putting up with this for so long now that I'm starting to wonder if I should just break off from these people. Which will leave me with nobody. Because they spend all their time being stoned, they never want to do anything, they just want to sit in watching tv smoking joint after joint. I'd rather watch paint dry!

There's one friend in particular who only lately I have seen in a new light. Very manipulative, and tries to pit the rest of us against each other for their own gain. I never realised how sly this person is until recently. They are the ring leader of the group, had a party in their house last weekend and didn't tell me about it. I found out on social media. So I'm really p!ssed. In group messages yesterday I just felt invisible, every text I sent was ignored, to the point where I asked if anyone had a problem with me! All acted nice and said no, no problem. I'm not stupid though, I know something is up. I'm at the stage where I couldn't even be bothered to try and sort this out, I feel like I've outgrown these people and because I'm not a weed smoker I'm not fun to be around.... which is bull.

I'm thankful I have a new job because I have made friends here, still kind of new but there's one or two here that I could socialise with. But I would miss having close friends if I was to cut this group out of my life. I just feel really hurt and alone and all this happening so close to Christmas which is hard enough for me this year, I feel a bit sick in the stomach because I cant believe they are treating me so mean. We are all nearly 30 FFS!!!

Sunflower 27

Hi OP, I'm sorry for your loss.

It sounds as if you have outgrown your friends. That isn't uncommon. Losing a parent as well has likely given you a very different perspective on life.

You can't change them. Let them off with their weed. The great thing about getting older is having the opportunity to move away from friendships that may have been based more on familiarity than much else.

Get out there, widen your social circle and enjoy the great job. Sounds like you deserve it

Emme

OP, sorry to hear about your loss. Continue to see the counsellor while you can.

When you feel a bit better join groups or clubs with the view of making new friends you have more in common with. If your current acquaintances want to smoke weed that's their business but if it takes over their lives it's not a good thing. You don't need to be around people like that.

DeltaWhite

Thank you Sunflower, I do agree, I think maybe this has run it's course. The thought of walking away from my friends is as terrifying as it was when I walked away from my 5 year relationship in July. I have had a major awful year. 2016 better be good for me! I need something good

I just wish they could have some balls or cop on to understand that I'm already going through enough as it is without their added dramas. I said the same thing about my relationship - I would rather be alone, than be with someone who makes you feel alone. Kind of applies to my friends aswell, I'm gaining nothing from being with them. I even find when I go out with other friends, they get really jealous and say harsh things to me? I feel like I'm talking about a bunch of 15 year olds here!

SAMTALK

OP it sounds like you have just grown up (had to with the loss of your parent and relationship).
They possibly havent had to deal with an real life problems yet so cannot understand where you are at.
If you can survive those losses you can handle this. Make a new circle of friends. 1 good and loval friend is better than a group who are not there for you when you need them
Best of luck and I hope 2016 brings you some happiness

meeeeh

Sorry for your loss.

I don't know if your friends are selfish but I am pretty sure it's more fun going to the dentist than being non weed smoker in a group of weed smokers. They have their own internal jokes, they find most impossible places to smoke in so you can freeze and be bored to death. They are complete waste as friends when stoned. If you are the only person not smoking then I think you should start socializing with others. I don't think things will improve with your group of friends unless they stop smoking.

nozipcode

meeeeh wrote: »

Sorry for your loss.

I don't know if your friends are selfish but I am pretty sure it's more fun going to the dentist than being non weed smoker in a group of weed smokers. They have their own internal jokes, they find most impossible places to smoke in so you can freeze and be bored to death. They are complete waste as friends when stoned.

Wow. Generalise much?

GardeningGirl

Hi.

Sorry to hear about your parent. Hope you find it easier In time..

Regards your friends, you don't seem too happy so what's the point?
Wouldn't you rather be happy on your tod than miserable in a group?
If not you really need to work on your self esteem, especially circa 30 years of age.

Apologies if I come off harsh but you've answered your own question here I think.

Join some clubs of interests u have, meet like minded folk!!

Best of luck and happy Christmas

LegacyUser

Hi OP
Sorry to hear about this, I really am its not nice is it? I am in a similar situation in that I lost a parent in the last year and have had similar problems with friends who I used to consider close at one stage.
You have been ostracised from this peer group for some reason by not getting invited to this party – whatever that reason if your friends had a genuine issue with you they would have brought it to your attention if they were bothered. From reading about this today the effects of this ostracism are worse than bullying- the ostracised persons initial natural reaction is anger, questioning and self criticsm then withdrawal from the group because you feel helpless- over a continued period of time this leads to low self esteem and depression. For a peer group to exclude and give the silent treatment is bullying and a clear intent to make you feel small, unimportant and that is a reflection on them – not you.
This can be really hurtful, I know im going through it myself and ive always been a good friend and a likeable sort. See it for what it is and concentrate on people that don’t belittle you and get on with your life. I know its upsetting – im going through it, be good to yourself.

meeeeh

nozipcode wrote: »

Wow. Generalise much?

No, I spent way too much time around commentaries, parking lots, parks and so on waiting for others to get stoned. It was grand in my case because my group of friends was divided half and half. I still have the same friends, I don't see them as often and they rarely smoke now but as non weed smoker you can write them off as entertaining company if they are stoned or getting stoned. They are great when you do smoke too (I have nothing against weed, I stopped smoking because I didn't like the itchy mouth And made a fool out of myself once). But there was quite a bit of friction between stoned group and sober or drunk people among my friends because the stoned group was kind of stuck in their own little circle.

OP is the only non smoker among smokers, I would be bored to death. The two aren't overly compatible.

Edit: that is why I don't think the friends are overly selfish, it's just that their priorities and idea of good time are different.

LegacyUser

OP friends, no matter how long you've known them or how close you've been, simply can't understand what they haven't been through.

I lost what I thought was a very close friend of many years after I was seriously ill and hospitalised with depression. They showed no empathy, never bothered to visit me. The one time they showed up at my house they spent an hour complaining about their job.

After I had recovered and could see things clearly again, it became obvious that I was just someone to socialise with or go on holiday with. Once I had pulled back from those things the friend disappeared and didn't bother instigating or keeping in contact.

I didn't mean to make this post about me but just wanted to let you know that even what appears to be the tightest, closest friendship can fall by the wayside when times get tough for one person and the other just couldn't be arsed. All they're really interested in is the fun times.

Maybe that's what makes marriages last, "for better or worse" sure means something in happy marriages!

BnB

I had a group of friends in College just like that. They were good guys, but their whole life revolved around getting stoned. That was fine and well on a Wednesday night in the house when there was sod all going on. But we could be down the pub on a college night out and the craic might be great - One of the lads might score a lump of hash and straight away they'd bail off home, to pull the curtains and sit around and get stoned.

Luckily enough, I didn't rely on them for mates as I'd lots of other friends, but there was one or two nights when I was out on my own with them and was ready to throttle them as they headed off home.

I don't think it is really possible for a non-smoker to hang out with a group of stoners. Because, while stoners like to think they are all easy going and chilled out, in reality, their whole lives revolve around keeping themselves stoned.

You don't have to be brutal or confrontational about it with them. Just accept yourself that your life and theirs are going in different directions and let it happen. You have already make a good start with the new job. Make an effort there and see what happens friends wise. Also maybe try some of the usual stuff, join clubs etc.

On a side note, most of my way through your post I thought you were in a similar situation to me (20 years ago) - 19 or 20 years of age - in college etc. When I saw at the end that ye are all pushing 30 - Honestly, your friends do need to grow up and discover that there's more to life than being stoned - But that's their problem - Not yours.

On a completely separate note. I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your parent. Unfortunately I have seen it from two sides over the last two years. My Mother in law passed away last year and I have been trying to mind my wife and then my own Father passed away this year. I wouldn't hold it against your friends that they don't understand. Grief is so personal that sometimes it can be hard to see how anyone outside of your own head can ever understand how you feel. But then, you often get comfort from the strangest of places and people. Just be strong and talk to the people who understand what you are going through like siblings or your other parent if that's possible.

DeltaWhite

Sincerely want to thank everyone who contributed to my thread. Really happy to have gotten sound advice from you all. I do think I have outgrown them, it's fine that they want to still smoke as much as they do at this stage in their lives, each to their own. I just cant be a part of it anymore, there really is more to life than the same routine everyday. I've realised that lately, I think I am definitely seeing life in a different way since my Mam died. Not my friends fault they don't understand I agree, one day unfortunately, they will be where I have been and it will really knock them out of their standing. They consider me the "problem friend" because I had a seriously difficult life while they all lived relatively sheltered lives and never knew the struggle I did as a child. Not saying I am a problematic person, but just that I have lived through a lot of hardship so I am very different to them, I would be more considerate, understanding and self aware.

I need to find more friends like me now, and not how I was 10 years ago, because that person doesn't exist anymore.