Boyfriend keeps his ex's photo in his wallet

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

I'm having some feelings that I could use your help with to make sure I'm not falling back into bad habits.

I've been with my partner three years and ever since I've known him he's kept a photo of his ex girlfriend in his wallet. They went out as teenagers and split up when he was around 20 I think. (He's currently 29) The girl in question is one of his best friends and they are quite close. When we started dating he was quite upfront about her and I didn't have any problems. I was surprised to see the photo in his wallet but I never really thought about it since.

However for his birthday his mother bought him a beautiful new leather wallet. And when he was showing it to me I noticed he had transferred her photo into it. Although I didn't say anything I found it a bit upsetting. I don't really know why but it makes me feel like maybe he isn't really over her. He has about 4 best friends as he says and she's the only one whose photo he keeps.
And here lies the problem. I want to let him know it bothers me but I'm not sure if it should be bothering me. When we were dating about 6 months he went on a holiday with a female friend and he joked about sharing a bed with her. And even though it was a joke it sparked something in me, a jealously that I suffered with for about 2 months.. Not my proudest moment and something completely alien to me up to that point. I eventually realised how pointless it was and I worked really hard to move on. Now I wouldn't consider myself jealous anymore but I don't know if this issue with the photo is something resurfacing?

I don't really know what I want. I don't want my photo in there and I don't want him to get rid of it just because I asked him to.. I guess I wish he had never put it in his new wallet but obviously that can't happen.

How do I talk with him about it or am I just experiencing a resurfacing of my bad habits? I'd appreciate some frank words of wisdom.

Hemerodrome

I don't think your reaction is the problem here, either to the photo or the fact that he shared a bed with another woman while on holidays. We all need trust in a relationship, but that was asking a lot of your trust and the photo is asking you to put up with a nagging reminder of the past and a question mark about his commitment. I'd be asking him to get rid of it and if he won't, I'd be asking why. I have good female friends, I have no reason to carry around a photo of them and I'm pretty sure they'd be weirded out if I did.

padohaodha

Ha ha do u really think u have a jealousy problem?id have thrown a major hissy fit by now.tell him take the photo out.simple as...ure a patient girl.<SNIP>

DopeTech

What is he playing at, that's really weird and totally unfair on you. I'd straight up ask him why after 9 years does he still have a picture of his ex in his wallet. It's not being unreasonable asking for an answer.

steo 24

Are you for real? You've been going this long without saying anything? Why the hell would you keep a pic of a best friend in your wallet let alone your ex??????? Crazy. Would you be keepin a picture of your best friend that's a guy in your wallet? Give me a break. Fair play to ya for keepin on this long with it but I think it's time you take some sort of action because he's gettin away with alot now in fairness

kawasaki1100

Ah, there's something else going on with your boyfriend. You have been too patient with him and he has zero cop on. Dump him and move on!

armaghlad

He seems like one of these lads who is completely in love with this girl. Despite clearly being friend zoned years ago. Sit him down and have a chat.

Blingy

I don't think it's jealousy at all. Why doesn't he have a photo of you in his wallet. His current gf and not an ex. Makes no sense. I would not have been as patient as you. Definitely question him on it.

Dellnum

Maybe it is just a particularly nice photo of his first g/f and thus is a sentimental thing, but it obviously is nothing to be jealous of because he is with you now and not her. Maybe you should put a photo of another man in your wallet and see if he comments.:D

StanleyOllie

He might be one of those people who is a bit supersticious and keeping the picture for some silly reason.
He should get over it now or be over her by now. If it bothers you, tell him. But its good he isnt hiding it from you.
You dont sound jealous. A small spark of it isnt a bad thing. Shows you like him. But overall jealousy is a wasted energy and a horrible emotion.
Dont let it eat away at you. Say it to him and see what he has to say. If you had a picture of an ex how would he feel?

charlietheminxx

OP you are far more patient than I would have been... You need to have it out with him. I kind of get the impression that he's made you feel petty for being jealous after he shared a bed with another girl, and that's why you're hesitant to confront this issue... In both instances, you've had a normal, healthy response.

You feel uncomfortable, don't ignore that or let him make you question your emotions. You deserve better than that.

suicide_circus

That is not OK. Outrageous carry on. Shows complete disrespect for you and a worrying lack of tact for a grown man.

Neyite

Get him a nice photo of you for his wallet. Suggest to him that your photo should be in his wallet, not his ex's. His reaction should tell you whether to stay or go.

There is a middle ground between being a doormat and somebody's back-up plan and being a jealous shrew. For what it's worth, we ALL get pangs of jealousy and you dealt with it perfectly, but I wouldn't have been impressed with my OH sharing a bed with a woman either. Maybe not a dumpable offence but is one that requires a chat. You can be nice and assertive and tell someone you are not happy with the way they behaved and that you feel they crossed your boundaries (ie sharing a bed with another female)

People the world over put photos of their most loved one in their wallet or as their phone screensaver. Did she break up with him?

bp

My hubby got me a new wallet and honestly I transferred all photos over....people I haven't spoken to in years are in there. They are nice memories to me as I don't have much else of that group.

I also have a photo of my male closest friend in my wallet.

Now all that said my husband is a great man as I don't know if I would want a female in his wallet!

Are you in there? He is in mine with the kids in the front pocket, the other photos are shoved in the back

LegacyUser

I just looked in my wallet and the amount of crap I have - old ticket stubs and business cards from people I dont recall meeting etc that I know have been in there for at least one if not two wallet upgrades yet I didn't just chuck them when transfering things over - couldn't tell you why, just did cus they were in the old wallet.

I'm not really a picture person so don't have a picture of my husband in my wallet but do have one of my best friend (whoses male) knees - its a big in joke between the two of us going back 10 years now. Husband hasn't any issue with that but if he did I would expect him to come talk to me about it like an adult. If it bothers you OP then say something otherwise don't expect him to take it out anytime soon if it's been there since you'e known him.

kylith

I think you should tell him that it bothers you and how he reacts will tell you what your next move is.

What really worries me is how you came to think that having a problem with is overreacting rather than as him being disrespectful.

Magicmatilda

There is nothing irrational about having a problem with your boyfriend of three years having a photo of his ex in his wallet.

There is nothing irrational about having a problem with your boyfriend sharing a bed with another woman.

The fact that you believe there is, is quite worrying.

blue note

I can understand the need thing to be honest, it my girlfriend did it I wouldn't want to hear about it basically, but I know it would be innocent and there aw circumstances where it would be fine. But I'd rather she didn't tell me

The photo in wallet thing is weird! and not okay in my view.

DeltaWhite

You have some patience OP. There is no way I could have gone 3 years without saying something. It would really bother me, definitely think it's time you asked him about it. Also think Neyite idea is good, see how he reacts when you give him a photo of you for his wallet, or even a photo of the two of you.

Sunflower 27

You need to speak to him, OP. Clearly this is bothering you. I understand your hurt and I can't see it just going away.

njs030

My oh's wallet doesn't have anywhere to put photos, there's a few card spaces and then an area for cash. Is that what your boyfriend's wallet is like or is there a clear area for photos?

If it's the second then I agree you need to ask him why he still wants to see her when he opens his wallet...that's usually a place for the person you currently are with or a picture of children etc.

If it's shoved in with a bundle of stuff its possible he transferred it without looking through it- in which case you must have been snooping to find it. Which doesn't explain why he has it- and you should still ask him about it- but it does also show you have trust issues and might be a bit insecure?,

IvoryTower

notjustsweet wrote: »

My oh's wallet doesn't have anywhere to put photos, there's a few card spaces and then an area for cash. Is that what your boyfriend's wallet is like or is there a clear area for photos?

If it's the second then I agree you need to ask him why he still wants to see her when he opens his wallet...that's usually a place for the person you currently are with or a picture of children etc.

If it's shoved in with a bundle of stuff its possible he transferred it without looking through it- in which case you must have been snooping to find it. Which doesn't explain why he has it- and you should still ask him about it- but it does also show you have trust issues and might be a bit insecure?,

A bit insecure? She's so secure she's allowed her other half go on holidays with another woman, share a bed with her and carry around a pic of his ex in his wallet!

LegacyUser

IvoryTower wrote: »

She's so secure she's allowed her other half go on holidays with another woman, share a bed with her and carry around a pic of his ex in his wallet!

"Allowed" - he's an adult, he doesn't need premission from anyone. If the OP doesn't like it then she can either talk to him like an adult or walk away.

njs030

IvoryTower wrote: »

A bit insecure? She's so secure she's allowed her other half go on holidays with another woman, share a bed with her and carry around a pic of his ex in his wallet!

If she's poking through his stuff to see if he still has the photo.
Though all those things point to the op being a bit insecure, a stronger, more assertive person wouldn't have sat back and said nothing when her boyfriend talked about sharing a bed with another woman and wouldn't be still wondering after 3 YEARS if it's odd for him to carry round a photo of his ex, it would have been nipped in the bud long ago.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies so far. I just want to clear up some points that seem to be unclear.

First up about the bed sharing. We talked about it at the time and sorted it all out and came up with solutions that suited us both. We're both adults and we'd never allow or disallow the other one from doing things. However we can talk about things and discuss them when necessary. I just mentioned it in relation to the jealously thing.

Secondly the jealously thing is a real worry for me. I've never felt like that before and I don't want it taking over my feelings again. So I just wanted to make sure it wasn't clouding my common sense again. I agree occasional minor jealously isn't a big deal but that wasn't the case there. He was also very supportive and understanding when I was feeling rough and has never made me feel bad about it.

Also it's not like I've been obsessed about the photo for three years. I knew it was there at the start and never thought of it again until he showed me his new year wallet and her photo was there. I can understand being sentimental but it's just a generic passport style type photo. The other photo he has is of him and his dad who died when he was young. If it was a photo of a memory that wouldn't bother me but it's not that. And I didn't snoop not at all. The photo was right there when he opened it and he opened it to show me. Not that I'd ever route through his things. I'd hate someone doing that on me so I wouldn't do that to anyone.

He broke up with her and they've been friends for years. When I'm not upset I'm sure he doesn't have feelings. I was just feeling low when I wrote that.

When he's back in Ireland after Christmas I'll talk to him and let him know I find it a bit upsetting. I just want to do it calmly and not when I'm emotional. And I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being stupid.

Augme

I thought the line about joking about sharing a bed with another women was a joke about sharing a bed with another women rather than him actually sharing a bed with another women.

Neyite wrote: »

Get him a nice photo of you for his wallet. Suggest to him that your photo should be in his wallet, not his ex's. His reaction should tell you whether to stay or go.

I wouldn't recommend this. It looks quite passive aggressive and a bit immature. If she has a problem with it she should say it to him, like an adult. Rather than playing some subtle game to judge his reaction.

Neyite

Augme wrote: »

I wouldn't recommend this. It looks quite passive aggressive and a bit immature. If she has a problem with it she should say it to him, like an adult. Rather than playing some subtle game to judge his reaction.

If you took it that I'm suggesting some sort of mind games, I'm not. People that know my posts here know that I always advocate straight talking in a calm manner without playing games or making assumptions. The op is clearly uncomfortable with saying it straight to him, otherwise she would have done this years ago. This could be a middle ground and a way of opening up a dialogue between them about how she feels about the picture of his ex in his wallet.

If he is not willing to listen to her concerns, or dismisses them, then that does tell her a lot more. Actions speak louder than words usually.

Dellnum

I think it is a storm in a teacup. The guy has obviously always had the photo in his wallet for years and there it remains. There is nothing more to it. He is just leaving it there rather than making a conscious decision to take it out. It means nothing, so forget about it OP.

PressRun

Seems a bit weird to me to carry a picture of an ex of 9 years around in a wallet. Even if she is a good friend, why is she getting the wallet treatment but his other good friends and current girlfriend aren't? I mean, the two photos he has are of an ex-girlfriend and a photo of his father, which presumably holds a great deal of sentimental value. That just seems peculiar. I'd say it to him.

questionmark?

Dellnum wrote: »

I think it is a storm in a teacup. The guy has obviously always had the photo in his wallet for years and there it remains. There is nothing more to it. He is just leaving it there rather than making a conscious decision to take it out. It means nothing, so forget about it OP.

There it remains? As in he got a new wallet and took a picture of his ex girlfriend out of his old wallet and popped into the new one. I wonder does the ex know this. It's weird and disrespectful.

Dellnum

He just took everything from the old wallet and put it into the new one without going through everything that's all, just a lazy way of doing things. I really do not think it is worth zoning in on and tormenting yourself over. She is his ex and is never going to be anything else but his ex, but you are his current g/f, so which would you prefer ?

Starokan

keeping a photo of your ex in your wallet is a tad insulting to your present partner, by all means keep a photo in a drawer or in an album - no one is saying do not keep mementos.

But keeping a memento of your previous partner in something you carry around with you every day is just off for me

pookie82

Transferring stuff from an old wallet to a new one is a great way to get rid of junk. I would never mindlessly transfer everything to the new one and not question what stays and what goes... a bit like moving house, I'd naturally use the opportunity to dump what was redundant.

A photo of an ex from 9 years ago would be what I would consider redundant. I'm not saying he should throw it out, but does he still need to carry it daily? When he has a long term different gf now?

Jesus OP I'd have said something about this on the spot. You need to ask why he feels the need to keep it on him. If they're still best friends surely she's spotted it? What would her bf, if she has one, think about this? Odd on so many levels. Is it in one of those little display windows? Sorry but that's weird. If it had always been there that's one thing, to transfer it to a new wallet shows a new level of inconsideration on his part.

PressRun

Dellnum wrote: »

He just took everything from the old wallet and put it into the new one without going through everything that's all, just a lazy way of doing things. I really do not think it is worth zoning in on and tormenting yourself over. She is his ex and is never going to be anything else but his ex, but you are his current g/f, so which would you prefer ?

I don't buy that at all. Any time I get a new wallet, I do a clear out of whatever crap is in there that I don't need. It's a chance to bin stuff that's been sitting in there for way too long. Now the OP's boyfriend must have done that and decided that an old passport photo of an ex-girlfriend was worth keeping alongside a photograph of his deceased father. That's weird. There's obviously a great deal of sentimental value attached to the photograph of his father, so it's understandable that he would carry that around with him, and he has obviously made a conscious decision to do so. So are we supposed to think that he's made a conscious decision to carry one photo around with him, but not the other? I'd be wondering what value he attaches to that photograph that he considers it important enough to keep in his wallet with a picture of his father. Why doesn't he carry a photo of his current girlfriend?

LegacyUser

PressRun wrote: »

I don't buy that at all. Any time I get a new wallet, I do a clear out of whatever crap is in there that I don't need. It's a chance to bin stuff that's been sitting in there for way too long. Now the OP's boyfriend must have done that and decided that an old passport photo of an ex-girlfriend was worth keeping alongside a photograph of his deceased father.

You assume thats what the OP's BF did because that's what you did but plenty of people just transfer everything over. That's what I do, I've stuff in my wallet I know I should chuck but I just never seem to get around to it and I know I've carried them over from at least one other if not two wallets.

Dellnum

Not everyone is that organized that they do a wallet clear out when they get a new one. Some people chose the lazy way and just transfer everything over as it is. Looking for deeper meanings is futile. It is almost a decade since the guy was dating his ex, for God's sake. I think you should just forget about it OP and have a Happy Christmas

PressRun

Dellnum wrote: »

It is almost a decade since the guy was dating his ex, for God's sake.

Exactly.

PinkLemonade

PressRun wrote: »

Exactly.

If it were a genuine mistake I'm sure he'd get rid if it (as it's very creepy) once the OP brings it up;

Suggestion - "did you not clear out the contents of your wallet when you got a new one? This old photos somehow made it in"

I'm sure you'll figure out from his response if it was an accident

IvoryTower

I would say


hi, why do you carry around a picture of your ex girlfriend in your wallet