Out of the blue

unreg13

Hi everyone, looking for some help/advice,


I've been working away from home for the last 2 months, been with partner nearly 5 years, we both work similar jobs and during the time she was away I made every effort to visit and would drive for hours just to spend time with her. but it hasnt been reciprocated.
This time last year she was working away for 4 months so long term relationships have been happening with us,

Over the last 2/3 months she has said that she's feeling us drifting apart but last month I spent a weekend home and leaving everything seemed ok and we agreed to try and work it out

Fast forward to this week, I came home yesterday for a Christmas holiday and midweek was talking to her, and we organized meeting up Sunday as we were both free, almost instantly after organising this I got a text from her saying she doesn't want to be together anymore and she no longer loves me, that this has all been coming for a long time, this was a shock to me.

She now says that she doesn't want to meet up because it will make it harder for me, and give me false hope, and now if I text asking questions I get angry responses such as "I'm not doing all this again and I've told you already" and threats to block my number.

Is it wrong for me to try and pursue her about it?
Or to try and get proper answers?
I literally feel crushed and so confused
This has completely ruined my Christmas and my time home and has me contemplating leaving my job,

Any input or help from people would be appreciated.

melissak

I'm very sorry this happened to you at this time of year but unfortunately you can't make someone love you if they don't and trying to force the issue will only make her more decided that it is not for her. It is always massively difficult when a relationship that long breaks down but you need to accept her decision and try to move on with your life, difficult as this will be.
Why do you feel.leaving your job would help? It is probably not the best time to make such a decision imo. Wait till the dust settles on this first, it is hard to think logically when you are in an emotional whirlwind. All the best. X

Ursus Horribilis

Erm...why would you quit your job over this? I get that you're very cut up about this and looking for a big dramatic gesture. Unless there's something going on here that you're not telling us about, leaving your job is plain stupid and will do nothing apart from damage your bank balance.

I think the writing has been on the wall for your relationship for a long time but you were so invested in it that you could not see it. You said it in your first paragraph. You were the one getting into your car and driving for hours to visit her. She never made a return trip. Why?

She is also telling you very very clearly that she does not want to get back with you. You are just too stubborn to see this. She has said she does not want to meet up because it will give you false hope. I can see where she's coming from here. She knows you'll pester her and push her and perhaps badger her into continuing the relationship.

My guess is that you've already crossed the line when it comes to asking questions. Her responses to your texts give me the impression that she's already at the end of her tether with you and is sick to the back teeth of being pestered. You have already been texting her and enough is enough as far as she's concerned. So no, trying to pursue her and attempting to get proper answers is not a good idea at all. If she's as p!ssed off at you as I think she is, you're going to get nothing but more abuse and your number blocked. I can't say I blame her really.

What exactly is it you're looking for? She has fallen out of love with you and does not want to save the relationship. That's the be-all and end-all I'm afraid. I'm sorry Christmas is ruined for you but don't compound the misery by jacking in your job. That's just bone-headed stupidity. Sorry.

unreg13

@odus

The whole reason I feel this has come about is because of this job, before I started things were fine, hence the predicament about quitting,

As far as her not wanting this or me pestering her: before this was dropped, and I mean literally a minute, she was texting about meeting up and doing Xmas shopping, and only the day before was asking what to buy my parents, this all seemed so strange and sudden, hence why I was all over the place with it,
There is no pestering going on, I have tried to ask about it twice and no more, so to me a flat refusal to talk about it after 4 1/2 years is not only disrespectful but cowardly all of which seems completely out of character to her, this is the point I'm trying to make, I'm not sure if it's even the same person I'm talking to compared to 5 days ago, this is the point that seems to be eluding you

Ursus Horribilis

Yes but you're now broken up. What good is quitting your job going to do?

unreg13

Odus fell down wrote: »

Yes but you're now broken up. What good is quitting your job going to do?

None monetarily, but to be honest, being in the same line of work, will just constantly bring reminders of the past

b_mac2

She broke up with you over a text? That says enough to me, I wouldn't give her a second thought.

CaraMay

Do nothing! Don't make any drastic moves at this time. She is an absolute toerag to dump you by text after 5 years op. I just really can't stand people who have no moral fibre. If nothing, the way she has treated you should tell you all you need to know about her ie selfish and weak. I'm so annoyed in your behalf.

Blank her and do not contact her. Why feed her ego? Consider it a lucky escape.

Ursus Horribilis

Don't do something stupid like quit and have nothing to go to. It's not going to get her back. Nor will it guilt her into getting back with you. Maybe your job contributed to the break-up of your relationship but I'd not be so sure. It was only two months you were away, not two years.

So why did she never get into her car and come visit you? I can't help but think this was a foreshadowing of what was to come.

I doubt this came out of the blue. Usually when someone's thinking about breaking up, they're conflicted for a while. She probably was juggling this around in her mind for a while and then just decided that it was over. It was handed to you as a cut and dried decision. It's lousy that she has ended it in this fashion and it would make one wonder what sort of person she really is.

unreg13

b_mac2 wrote: »

She broke up with you over a text? That says enough to me, I wouldn't give her a second thought.

Yes while I was down the other side of the country,
This is all highly out of character and hence why I'm so confused

Ursus Horribilis

I wonder does she have someone else lined up? It might explain the way she ended it.

CaraMay

unreg13 wrote: »

Yes while I was down the other side of the country,
This is all highly out of character and hence why I'm so confused

It was 2 months out of 5 years op. Sorry but that's not the reason.

b_mac2

unreg13 wrote: »

Yes while I was down the other side of the country,
This is all highly out of character and hence why I'm so confused

It's easy for everyone here, and me, to say ahhh just forget her, but I know from personal experience it's best you just walk away and try leave her be. You're only going to drive yourself mad otherwise...

unreg13

Odus fell down wrote: »

Don't do something stupid like quit and have nothing to go to. It's not going to get her back. Nor will it guilt her into getting back with you. Maybe your job caused the break-up of your relationship but you can't say for sure if it would've survived if you hadn't taken it. It's only two months you were away, not two years.

So why did she never get into her car and come visit you? I can't help but think this was a foreshadowing of what was to come.

I doubt this came out of the blue. Usually when someone's thinking about breaking up, they're conflicted for a while. She probably was juggling this around in her mind for a while and then just decided that it was over. It was handed to you as a cut and dried decision. It's lousy that she has ended it in this fashion and it would make one wonder what sort of person she really is.

Where she was, was only an hour and a bit drive from me, and this is why I visited,
Where I am unfortunately is nearly a 3 hour drive, so to be honest I never really expected many visits, the point I was trying to get across is that the shoe was on the other foot and the effort wasn't made as much,

When I was back last month we spent a good weekend together and everything seemed fine and promising, chats about the future etc..
This is what's killing me the most, it's almost like the person I was talking to changed over the space of 60 seconds...

unreg13

Odus fell down wrote: »

I wonder does she have someone else lined up? It might explain the way she ended it.

This is what I was thinking, but obviously can't go pointing accusing fingers,

Ursus Horribilis

Well, if she wasn't making as much effort to come visit you, it could suggest that she wasn't as enthusiastic about the relationship as you were. Talk is cheap and people can say all sort of things. It's a different matter when they have to step up to the plate and do something.

If there is another bloke on the scene, you'll find out about it in time. It wouldn't surprise me to be honest.

unreg13

Odus fell down wrote: »

Well, if she wasn't making as much effort to come visit you, it could suggest that she wasn't as enthusiastic about the relationship as you were. Talk is cheap and people can say all sort of things. It's a different matter when they have to step up to the plate and do something.

If there is another bloke on the scene, you'll find out about it in time. It wouldn't surprise me to be honest.

Yeah suppose I will, tbh I feel cheated having invested so much into this, supporting her through every step of getting her job, and while she was away,

She was practically part of the family, and to just be cut off with no chance to have a talk about it,
I just find it hard to understand

bikermartin

CaraMay wrote: »

Do nothing! Don't make any drastic moves at this time. She is an absolute toerag to dump you by text after 5 years op. I just really can't stand people who have no moral fibre. If nothing, the way she has treated you should tell you all you need to know about her ie selfish and weak. I'm so annoyed in your behalf.

Blank her and do not contact her. Why feed her ego? Consider it a lucky escape.

Sounds like a narcissist to me anyway... Me me me .....!

unreg13

bikermartin wrote: »

Sounds like a narcissist to me anyway... Me me me .....!

But again that's just how it's been recently, it's a complete flip from the person I loved

CaraMay

There's no way to make sense of it. She took the total cowards way out and doesbt even have the manner to explain why she's finishing it.

kylith

unreg13 wrote: »

@odus

The whole reason I feel this has come about is because of this job, before I started things were fine, hence the predicament about quitting,

As far as her not wanting this or me pestering her: before this was dropped, and I mean literally a minute, she was texting about meeting up and doing Xmas shopping, and only the day before was asking what to buy my parents, this all seemed so strange and sudden, hence why I was all over the place with it,

It sounds to me like she had been trying to act normal because she didn't want to break up so close to Christmas, but then decided that she couldn't cope with the pretence and decided to finish it. Yes, she took the coward's way out, but this was certainly something that was in her mind for a while; these things are never out of the blue.

unreg13 wrote: »

Where she was, was only an hour and a bit drive from me, and this is why I visited,
Where I am unfortunately is nearly a 3 hour drive

How could she be an hour's drive from you if you're a 3 hour drive from her? Either way she didn't put the effort in to go see you, and that says something.

unreg13

CaraMay wrote: »

There's no way to make sense of it. She took the total cowards way out and doesbt even have the manner to explain why she's finishing it.

Thanks, I can already tell I'm just going to drive myself mad thinking about it 😟 replaying things in my head trying to figure where it went wrong, I've literally bent over backwards for someone who was my best friend and then to be completely cut off.

I just can't comprehend it,
The horrible part is that I would literally do anything to have her back, that's the twisted part, that even after being treated like this, I'd still go back in a heartbeat

Ursus Horribilis

I think what he meant was that when she was working away last year, she was an hour and a half away. This time he was 3 hours away.

unreg13

kylith wrote: »

It sounds to me like she had been trying to act normal because she didn't want to break up so close to Christmas, but then decided that she couldn't cope with the pretence and decided to finish it. Yes, she took the coward's way out, but this was certainly something that was in her mind for a while; these things are never out of the blue.

How could she be an hour's drive from you if you're a 3 hour drive from her? Either way she didn't put the effort in to go see you, and that says something.

We work at practically the same job but in very different places,

It was previously said that she didn't feel great with it, but we worked on it and things went back to normal, so why not tell me she wasn't feeling the same way so we could try at least, instead of just stopping it

Calypso Realm

kylith wrote: »

It sounds to me like she had been trying to act normal because she didn't want to break up so close to Christmas, but then decided that she couldn't cope with the pretence and decided to finish it. Yes, she took the coward's way out, but this was certainly something that was in her mind for a while; these things are never out of the blue..

Exactly what I was going to say. Out of the blue for you OP but usually the other person has been contemplating this for a while. The fact you've mentioned in your OP that she remarked you two had been drifting apart over 2/3 months practically confirms this for me.

That said, breaking up by text in these circumstances is truly despicable and cowardly. I'm really sorry this has happened to you. In your shoes I would take back some control by ceasing ALL contact with her. This includes ignoring any efforts she may make at reaching out, which (hopefully) will give her the opportunity to reflect on her selfish, unreasonable behaviour and actions towards you. Believe me you'll feel a lot better than if you pursue her for any further for answers she clearly is currently unwilling to give you!

Ursus Horribilis

I'd also advise you to go easy on the drink if you're someone who likes to take a sip. It could make you depressed and do something you'll regret.

unreg13

Calypso Realm wrote: »

Exactly what I was going to say. Out of the blue for you OP but usually the other person has been contemplating this for a while. The fact you've mentioned in your OP that she remarked you two had been drifting apart over 2/3 months practically confirms this for me.

That said, breaking up by text in these circumstances is truly despicable and cowardly. I'm really sorry this has happened to you. In your shoes I would take back some control by ceasing ALL contact with her. This includes ignoring any efforts she may make at reaching out, which (hopefully) will give her the opportunity to reflect on her selfish, unreasonable behaviour and actions towards you. Believe me you'll feel a lot better than if you pursue her for any further for answers she clearly is currently unwilling to give you!

It's hard enough to drop everything her related,
Every time I see a family member they ask how she is,

I just found it strange especially since she had bought my Christmas present and everything,
The timing is very weird, and the manner in how it happened, is equally strange especially for her?

njs030

Op unfortunately if someone in a relationship doesn't love the other person that's the end of it.

As someone said earlier in the thread people don't decide in the spur of the moment to end a relationship, your girlfriend will have been thinking about this for months and was probably trying to hold off until after Christmas and pretend everything was ok.
Being dumped by text isn't nice though she probably didn't have the courage to say it in person as she knew you'd try and talk her round- which you have tried to do!!

She's made it clear she has nothing more to say, analysing it isn't going to give you a way to get her back- not loving you is a good reason to end things and knowing that should be enough explanation. You need to accept her decision and stop trying to force her to change it.

deseil

unreg13 wrote: »

Yes while I was down the other side of the country,
This is all highly out of character and hence why I'm so confused

Im sorry if this is harsh but it sounds like shes found someone else. Dont chase after her just leave it now you deserve better.

LegacyUser

Every single thing about this says to me that she's been seeing someone behind your back and waiting in there to see if he'd have her full time. She's finally got the go ahead on him in the lead up to Christmas and so pulled the trigger on what you had with her as quickly and definitively as possible because he doenst know about you either and she needs a clean and sudden break.

Expect to see her in a 'new' relationship very quickly.

Sorry man, seen it happen a dozen times.

You're well rid of her.

pgj2015

It does not matter if she has another guy or not op, it makes no difference so don't be wondering if she does or not, you had a lucky escape. Block her on all social media, her phone number, don't answer her texts or calls if she tries to contact you. Don' quit your job. Head out over Christmas with your friends on the pull, throw yourself into your job and hobbies after Christmas and go on some dates if you feel like it, I know its easy to say but there are plenty more fish in the sea.

Alf Veedersane

I don't think she's necessarily found someone new but has maybe coke to the conclusion that you're not the one for her, OP.

I wouldn't continue to try and contact her. It will be hard...very hard...but if she wants to reignite things she will be in touch. And then you would have a decision to make. But I don't see that happening.

She's clearly been conflicted but her actions, despite the ones where she indicated a future together, suggest that she has made a decision shell stick to.

Doing it by text is cowardly but to be honest, as hard as it is, you have to try focus on yourself now. What works for you in life. No snap decisions about your job - if it's a job you like then that's more important than whether or not it was a factor in this break up.

Wompa1

Sounds like she found someone else! Thus why she's acting out of character.

It's difficult to actually follow through and do BUT you should delete her number, remove her from any social media or whatever and just act like she doesn't exist. Texting her questions, contacting her and all of that will only make her think that she is justified in breaking up with you and breaking up in such a crappy way.

You need to move on. Keep your job. Succeed and enjoy your life. It will hurt for a long time, then it won't hurt any more. You'll find somebody better and in 10-15 years, you'll bump into her again. You'll have a great life, she'll see it and she'll be left to wonder about what if. You won't because your what if starts with, "what if I stayed with that b1tch that broke up with me with a text message"