Manipulative Friend Lying to GF

LegacyUser

Have this mate I've known for years and I set him up with a female friend of mine, her and I had a thing a little more than a year before hand and nothing came of it and I disgruntled at the time moved on into a relationship that would last nearly 2 years.


One year into my own relationship this female friend and my mate seemed to get on, to be honest I didn’t see much chemistry between them but they got on to some degree and very early on it nearly ended before it began, she said she'd only go out with him if he gave up smoking (cigarettes and the more "exotic" tobacco he was into), so by all accounts he does....apparently. She likes guys that don’t have any major habits that are off putting, fags would be the first thing on the list, weed would be in there for definite also, it simply isn’t her scene.


Almost a year goes by and I have a really rough break up and head up to this mate and the one I set him up with to socialize and get my mind off the break-up as I had hidden away for about a fortnight, watched a movie and spilled my guts about what happened as they wanted to know. Later on in the night, the mate's girlfriend gets up to go home, as soon as she's gone. Himself runs upstairs for 20 Benson after proclaiming and preaching that he'd quit for the best part of a year, he looks at me and says “Say nothing to herself” which downright disgusted me after I went up there to get my mind off my own circumstances and he is potentially throwing away his own thing over something a hell of a lot smaller than the reasons I threw away my relationship. (I ended it over something pretty major) I didn’t even ask him had he quit in the first place, I just finished whatever beer I had leftover and went home.


Been holding my tongue for a year since and I feel terrible about it as it makes me think she's been treated like an idiot and I have to watch himself bulls**ting her regularly if cigarettes come up in conversation, when they get brought up and she starts patting him on the back, giving him all the praise and credit and himself preaching "Ah sure they were bad for me" and saying all this preachy crap about being a non smoker, and I have to look away from her because I'm disgusted with him and myself for being made part of this web of lies.


It gets kind of worse this mate got in an argument a few months ago with 2 other friends of mine who are a couple also, it was over the smoker mate and the girlfriend saying they will be late for my other friends birthday party as they had cinema tickets booked for the same evening, they never give much notice for their get together’s and a silly argument happened and the “birthday guy’s” girlfriend said in a Facebook chat that “We’ll see who ******’s real friends are” the guy celebrating his birthday didn't mind that they'd be late he wasn't bothered, it was a below the belt remark and as a result both couples haven’t really talked since, which created an uncomfortable divide in the group.


Again it gets a bit more bad, the smoker mate, and we’ll just say the “birthday guy’s” girlfriend are on the young side of being mature students in college and they carpooled with another friend of mine who’s attending the same college, he’s also part of our circle which I guess you’re thinking by this stage of the story that the circle is fragmenting quite a bit.


Anyway the “birthday guy’s” girlfriend spotted the smoker mate having a fag outside and mentions it to my friend who drives them both (in an awkward silence might I add) to college every day, he already knew he’s been smoking all this time and is just as uncomfortable as I am with being really hush, hush about it.


He also knows I am the most annoyed about it because I had a lot to do with setting them up and brought her into the group in the first place. Truth be told I would have gotten with her myself if the “planets aligned right” but no point in having regrets now.

The friend that’s been driving them to college everyday mentioned to the smoker friend that the “birthday guy’s” girlfriend seen him smoking outside the campus.

The smoker friend then says to him “Ah sure I’ll just say she’s being spiteful after the birthday party argument and I’ll just say she’s lying if she rats me out you'll back me up won't ya?” and she would probably believe him as she was equally offended by the “We’ll see who ******’s real friends are” remark on Facebook, you know the way two women can be when an argument goes on for too long, like 2 stray cats. They are still this way and they used to get on really well. (Hate seeing them like that)


Am I right in saying that using that past argument as an excuse to cover his tracks and getting "carpool guy" involved if he is exposed is extremely manipulative? Carpool guy told me all this himself on a night out a few weeks ago and I stared at him wide eyed at the bar as he said it and it’s been racking my brain really since.


It gets even better “carpool guy” has since had big falling out with the "smoker friend" over him not consistently paying his share for his weekly lifts to college, being late in the mornings and letting the other two passengers (birthday guy's girlfriend and another fellow) freeze outside waiting, giving no notice on day’s he’s not bothered to go in to college and other annoying little things that get on carpool guy’s nerves like always calling the front seat and frowning when he’s beaten to it in the morning/afternoon and changing the radio station without asking, but was more about him being out of pocket and apparently being extremely manipulative in trying to get out of paying his share for the lifts in and out according to “carpool guy” and it all ended it a massive row with name calling and the slamming of a car door when “carpool guy” wanted the backdated money for petrol. They haven’t spoken since.


The “smoking mate” has mostly distanced himself away from people that know of this little secret due to birthday party arguments, carpool arguments and even the extra person that was in the car at the time of the argument, he has snubbed that guy in passing who had nothing to do with his ousting from the carpool. The only people he hasn’t really distanced himself away from that knows of all the deception is me (the person who is by far the most annoyed over what he’s done and said as of late) and a relative of mine, who is kind of happy to be a part of the lie web and gives him pulls of his own rollies when herself is in the bathroom when we hang out for God’s sake, I just find it incredibly sneaky.


She would hate him for smoking, she would hate him even more for lying about it for so long, she’d be really pissed at us all (especially me) for knowing about it for so long and most of us watching her throw all this praise his way when he’s been bulls**ting her probably all of their relationship, makes me think she’s been made a fool of and the relationship is pretty much founded on a lie you know? Since that was her condition for going out with him in the first place.


I’m kind of riddled with kind of anxiety, resentment and even anger for being in such a position, I do feel like I’m betraying someone I really respect by keeping my mouth shut and I’m pretty pissed off that he would go to such manipulative lengths to cover his tracks especially when he was told “birthday guy’s” girlfriend knew of what he was doing.


Am I bonkers for feeling this way? I don’t feel that it’s fair to her that the one condition he had to meet and it has probably never been followed through on and gets to reap all the rewards of being with her under that condition and he failed to even meet that condition, most of the group have been dragged into it and we have to cover for one person but treating the other person like an idiot and when he couldn’t get his way in certain situations or has a stupid falling out with whoever, he essentially cuts all ties with most of the circle in case they expose him.


At the end of the day, I don’t want her to be made a fool of like she is, I’ve had to live with keeping my mouth shut for over a year now and it’s not gotten easier, it's really been eating at me, especially when the whole manipulating his possible exposure story came to light. Being around him in a group setting has increasingly angered me in recent weeks in particular, especially when I’ve had a drink or two. I’ve become an expert on keeping a lid on it at this point.


Usually I’m a pretty happy go lucky, good natured guy but during the last year-14 months my ability to stay that way has been really tested. When I see people I care about being lied to their face and a liar is made look like some hero in regard to something that would be a deal breaker in a lot of modern relationships and this pathetic manipulating excuse and dragging someone else into the equation to back them up, it would potentially tarnish someone else’s character in an effort to cover it up. Makes me want to puke in my soup.

Sorry if the story rambles away in certain spots over the stupid birthday argument and the car sharing row but I think it's kind of relevant in the headf**k of the whole thing with me.

SAMTALK

Oh to be young enough again to worry about little things!!
Sorry OP not trying to be dissmissive but really you do need to stop worrying about the small things.
Girlfriend probably knows he's smoking but because he doesnt do it in front of her it doesnt seem as bad.
There is no way she doesnt get the smell of fags at some stage no matter how much toothpaste/aftershave/air freshner he uses.
If he's causing you this much grief maybe you need to source new friends.
Maybe you'd like to try have a relationship with this girl again yourself???

piperh

Seriously op it's time to grow up and move on, you seem fixated with this friend and his relationship with your ex fling.

If you don't like the situation then remove yourself but nothing good will come from you speaking out.

mrsdewinter

Hmm. Just keep out of it. It sounds like you still have feelings for the smoker's gf - but whatever you do, don't rat him out. She's either made her peace with his smoking or in la-la land, all loved up. Either way, it won't turn out well for whoever decides to put her in the picture.

Diamond Doll

Jesus, the guy smokes, it's not like he's a secret heroin addict!

If the girl's not thick, she'll cop on to it eventually (smoking stinks, and the smell doesn't disappear quickly.)

Maybe focus on your own life, and try to remove yourself from a relationship between two other people. Because, from your post, you seem very intensely involved!

Rekop dog

The only thing you're riddled with is jealousy, no other way of explaining the crazy disproportionate levels of over reaction here.

Typer Monkey

Good Lord OP just mind your own business..or tell her he's still smoking, whatever, it REALLY doesn't matter. It should absolutely not be taking up any space in your head.

I think you posted a thread about this situation before did you? The details are very familiar. You really need to get over it either way

funk-you

So...a guy you know smokes and has arguments with other people? Really can't fathom why any of this is to do with you.

I genuinely don't want to sound harsh but you really need to get over yourself, stop worrying about other people lives/business and make peace with the fact that his girlfriend isn't your girlfriend.

OP, you don't like the guy. It's that simple. Be it for a million different reasons or that he's riding your mate I don't know but either forget about it and move on or stop talking to him.

-Funk

meeeeh

All this could be condensed into: do I tell the girl I have a crush on that her boyfriend is smoking in secret?

The answer is no. She won't suddenly throw herself around you and break up with him. At most they will have a big row about something that she probably already knows deep down and is avoiding to tackle.

ManOfMystery

I have to agree with the others OP.

You've written a very detailed, very intense and very long post, complete with extraneous and irrelative information about other people he's had issues with, which basically states one thing : this guy is smoking, he's going out with a girl I feel I could have had a chance with, should I tell her?

The level of overthinking and detail you've displayed is slightly worrying over an issue which is pretty mundane really. As Diamond Doll summed it up above, he's a secret smoker - not an alcoholic, heroin addict, compulsive gambler or so on. She probably already has an idea, and if she doesn't and finds out, she'll deal with it and get over it one way or another - hardly end of the world.

The advice to stay out of it is perfect imo.

CaraMay

What a huge post over nothing much. Butt out of their relationship.

njs030

It's pretty obvious you want the girl for yourself but whatever about rules she made before they got together their relationship is about more than smoking or not smoking now. Telling her will just make you look jealous and a bit sneaky, mind your own business and move on.

Also don't ever again refer to women as "you know how they are after an argument, like 2 stray cats" that's demeaning, generalist and makes you sound like a complete plonker.

retro:electro

Wow. I couldn't imagine being so consumed and bothered by such petty, insignificant rubbish. Seriously, grow up.

PressRun

This post could easily be summed up with: "I fancy my mate's girlfriend and I'm jealous that he's with her because I regret not asking her out when I had a chance. Should I now insert myself into their relationship by telling her information about him that might cause a rift between them so I might have a chance with her again?"

The short answer is no. This is none of your business and you clearly have an ulterior motive.

TrubledFella27 wrote: »

you know the way two women can be when an argument goes on for too long, like 2 stray cats.

Also, you'd be wise to drop the sexist nonsense while you're at it.

Neyite

Mod:

This forum is for supportive advice. The type of "grow up" posts are out of order, not compliant with the charter and are bordering on nasty. You all are capable of phrasing your posts in a far more civil manner than you have on this thread. What may be trivial to you, might be a big deal to others. So post with supportive advice or don't bother posting.

This is my one and only on thread warning. Yellow cards WILL be handed out to people if this continues.

bluetomato

OP, you are overthinking and overreacting here.

Yes it may have been a 'condition' of her going out with him in the first place but smoking is an addiction and people who quit often start smoking again.

I am guessing he doesn't smoke very much if his girlfriend doesn't know.

If the girlfriend finds it a major dealbreaker and she'd throw away a good relationship over that then i'd feel sorry for him tbh, he should be able to tell his girlfriend he smokes occasionally. If he's going to resort to lies over it then I feel bad for him because he obviously must be in a state of anxiety that he'll get dumped over it.

Wompa1

I can get your concern. I had an ex who hid her smoking habit for 2 years! She brought it up in conversation early in the relationship. I said I wouldn't want to get with a smoker again, having gone out with a smoker before.

She managed to hide it well. I was really busy and worked long hours. When I would come to see her, it was almost always at her place. She would always be getting out of the shower...she use teeth whitening strips. I didn't think to question the behavior.

I guess his willingness to lie is crappy but I think you should give it a wide berth. Just leave well enough alone and distance yourself from them.

LegacyUser

Yep, OP, I must agree with everyone else. I'll be honest and say I didn't even get to the end of your first post. It was just full of irrelevant information. The upshot of it all is someone you don't really like is going out with someone you like a lot. And you're thinking about trying to break them up so that you might have a shot with the girl.

Whatever arrangement he does or doesn't have with someone who gives him a lift is nothing to do with anyone else. "Car pool guy" has plenty of options available to him. Stop bringing him to college. Don't wait for him if he's late. Don't lie for him etc. Their arrangement is between themselves and it's not up to you to get offended on somebody else's behalf.

As for yourself. You have to make up your own mind. You can tell her. And have her stay with him after a heart to heart where he tells her has really cut down and wants to give up but occasionally has a sneaky one. Or you can tell her and hope she dumps him and realises that it was you she wanted all along. Or you can tell him that you don't be lying for him... Or you can lie for him. Or you can say nothing. Or you can make a joke about it some night he's going on about how long he's off them etc.

But don't try convince yourself you are doing it for the good of the girl you fancy. You're hoping that when it falls apart, you'll be there to pick up the pieces.

Fair enough... Sounds like you're all fairly young anyway. The reality is in 3 years time none of it will matter or have had any lasting effect on any of your lives (apart from maybe the smoker )

Figbiscuithead

Typer Monkey wrote: »

Good Lord OP just mind your own business..or tell her he's still smoking, whatever, it REALLY doesn't matter. It should absolutely not be taking up any space in your head.

I think you posted a thread about this situation before did you? The details are very familiar. You really need to get over it either way

I've definitely read this story before a good while ago now. You HAVE to move on, OP, for your own sanity. Can you not avoid this guy completely if he's dropping friends in your group anyway? I know at that age you hang out in large groups but perhaps concentrate on maintaining contact with the friends you like and get along with and let this "friendship" die out. This is not good for your mental health and a waste of head space.

Katgurl

Hi OP,

I think I've read this story before.

Look you're deceiving yourself. You don't care because he's smoking. You care because you like his girlfriend and think she should have chosen you. You're also recently single.

Regarding the carpool guy and birthday guy stuff, ok he wasn't great. But do you know what; nobody is perfect, everyone has faults and you're only hearing one perspective. One thing I've realised after watching other friendship groups fall Around me over the years is that the reason my extended group of mates still get on is that people didn't get involved in each other's spats. So you were right to lend a friendly ear when carpool guy was ranting but draw a line and leave them to it to figure it out. How do you think you'd feel if loads of people in your group were talking about you and building a prosecution case against you. None of the stuff he's done is that bad at all.

I think give the girlfriend a wide berth for a while. You won't lure her over just because you get him in trouble or expose his failings. The reality is she knows he's flawed and she still wants to be with him. Hard to accept but there you go.

Also, when you were freshly broken hearted they both lent you a friendly shoulder. So he can't be all bad. Imagine how crappy it would be for him knowing you were plotting to tell tales on him?

from_atozinc

I think OP is gone AWOL