Alone at Christmas

LegacyUser

I was walking up the road at the weekend to the shops and saw all the Christmas trees in the windows and flashing Christmas lights outside their houses. I started balling my eyes out passing the houses. These people aren't alone at Christmas.

I have family but I'm not going home. I had a row with my mother during the summer where she displayed pictures of her boys all over the house. Not one picture of me. Not only that, she had a picture of my brother's partner.

I gave her a picture of me to add to her picture display and the next time i was home it wasn't there. I told her how hurtful it was and how could she value my brother's partner more to have a picture of her, someone she only met once. I was told i was being childish, it was her way of not apologising. She completing avoided the topic the last afternoon i was home, tried to ask me other things. She just avoided my feelings altogether and yet a simple "I'm sorry, i never meant to exclude you"... But she did mean to and it was shoved in my face.

That was eight or nine weeks ago. My mother has made no attempt to apologise, she doesn't get it, she valued her new daughter in law more to have a picture of her. But her own daughter, was worth nothing to have a picture, especially after i gave her one. But i knew, giving her one, wasn't going to destroy her lovely picture display.

Her new daughter in law isn't spending Christmas with her either since she's in Australia.

What did I do wrong. No one knows how nasty my mother is. What do i do for Christmas.

Ursus Horribilis

You could look into volunteering on Christmas Day. Are there any local charities who give homeless people meals on the day? That sort of thing.

Is there more to your relationship with your mother than her not putting up any photos of you? Now that I think of it, I'm not sure there are any photos of me in my parents house now but it's not an issue. Would it be possible to mend bridges with your mum?

Wompa1

I honestly wouldn't even notice if there was pictures of other people and not of me. I can understand that it might hurt but I wouldn't let it make you so upset that you cry.

I've spent Christmas alone. Like any other day, it's what you make of it. It's not big deal. Sleep in as late as you want. Maybe go volunteer (that's what I do, usually). Spend the evening watching movies or reading a book or whatever.

A free day to yourself. They don't come along often for most people, may as well make the most of it.

R.D. aka MR.D

Op, you should look into narcissistic mothers. It's not uncommon that a mother will do this to one child.

My mother is like this, lots of pictures of my bro and wife, her nieces and nephews and now her grandkids. Not one photo of me, her only daughter.

If you want a relationship with her, there are ways to cope but sometimes distance is the best thing. They very rarely change and continue to harm our self-worth.

Volunteer this xmas and then maybe next year, you can plan an xmas of your own with friends or something.

freshpopcorn

Just out of interest op was it a wedding picture your mother put up?
I know lots of parents who'd put up a wedding picture of there daughter in law and son. Even if they only met once. Especially if they were in Australia.
I'd actually find it odd somebody handing me a picture and telling me to display it unless it was for a particular reason. (Ie wedding, graduation)
What else has your mother done to you out off interest. It sounds like there must be other issue going on in my honest opinion.

LegacyUser

Just replying back to some posts and adding in some more information. They weren't wedding pictures but my brother and his partner were both in the picture. I don't think it matters because my mother had tons of pictures of my brother already. Why the need for his partner. I don't really care what her reason was but it was in my face along with pictures of my other brothers, no partners or wifes yet. Pictures of her grandchild.

I only gave her one picture of me to add to her picture display because she probably never had a picture of me.

That really leaves you out. I asked her why she never displayed my picture. I was told to buy the frame, the brother at home would never have bought his own frame where my mother got it in dealz for €1.49. I wasn't even worth that much. Another excuse, there wasn't any more space for pictures. It was all excuses.

My mother always had a shrine in her bedroom but to have it shoved in the face like that. It never bothered me before until they came out all over the house. Pictures of everyone and I was excluded. My brothers partner was more worthy of a picture in the kitchen.

I feel like sending her a picture frame of a cock this Christmas. I seriously do.

How Strange

Definitely Google narcissistic mothers. It'll be a revelation for you. As for Christmas Day, if you're going to be upset to spend it on your own then volunteer to work in one of the many venues serving lunch to homeless people etc.

silverbolt

Never mind the mother for now. Let her carry on, the more you say about it the more she wins.

Do you ahve friends or other family you can go to for xmas. I'm alone at xmas (single and family live in another country) but a few of my friends have all offered a place at thier table. Do people know your going to be alone? If they did they would more than likely ask you to come along.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

kjl

aloneandmiserable wrote: »

I was walking up the road at the weekend to the shops and saw all the Christmas trees in the windows and flashing Christmas lights outside their houses. I started balling my eyes out passing the houses. These people aren't alone at Christmas.

I have family but I'm not going home. I had a row with my mother during the summer where she displayed pictures of her boys all over the house. Not one picture of me. Not only that, she had a picture of my brother's partner.

I gave her a picture of me to add to her picture display and the next time i was home it wasn't there. I told her how hurtful it was and how could she value my brother's partner more to have a picture of her, someone she only met once. I was told i was being childish, it was her way of not apologising. She completing avoided the topic the last afternoon i was home, tried to ask me other things. She just avoided my feelings altogether and yet a simple "I'm sorry, i never meant to exclude you"... But she did mean to and it was shoved in my face.

That was eight or nine weeks ago. My mother has made no attempt to apologise, she doesn't get it, she valued her new daughter in law more to have a picture of her. But her own daughter, was worth nothing to have a picture, especially after i gave her one. But i knew, giving her one, wasn't going to destroy her lovely picture display.

Her new daughter in law isn't spending Christmas with her either since she's in Australia.

What did I do wrong. No one knows how nasty my mother is. What do i do for Christmas.

Look, sometimes you have to accept that your parents don't think the same way as us.

Is it really a big deal that you are not in some photos at home, I don't think I would take it to heart, especially for this amount of time.

Ring your mum and explain you were upset about the incident but that you don't want to be on your own for Christmas.

I know your mother is older than you and you probably have this view that they always have to be right, but just let it go. The only thing stopping you from going home at Christmas is you. Be the bigger person and forget about it.

Neyite

No one can make you inferior without your consent.

She is what she is, OP. It's deeply hurtful when a person you love rates you so low you barely register on their radar. I think you should google narcissistic mothers. There is usually always at least one Scapegoat and one Golden child for these kind of mothers. Even if the Golden child is an out and out waster and biggest asshole on the planet, the mother will think the sun shines out of their backsides. The Scapegoat child could run themselves ragged for decades catering to the mother's every whim, nurse the mother in old age, and still be unacknowledged for all that they have done. Let her off and save yourself the heartache.

But can you try to turn this around? Build a Christmas exactly the way you want to, just for you. Want to line up a good box set and your favourite snacks and tipples? Have something totally different for Christmas dinner? Spend the day helping others, or inviting someone else who will be alone on the day to join you? Build your day the way YOU want to spend it. Be utterly, totally self-indulgent and do it your way.

jopax

Hi op,

I just wanted to say fair play to you to stand up to your mother.
It is wrong not to put a photo up of you, but to deliberately not put one up after you spoke to her about this says an awful lot about her & its not very nice.
I do think you have a long road ahead of you in coming to terms with what kind of s woman she is. I think its irrelevant who else's picture is on the wall, its probably just the tip of a very big iceberg.
I hope you have good friends you can rely on. I agree with the other posters about looking into narcissistic mothers.
I hope you have good friends to help you, if not don't be afraid to reach out & ask for help or get some counseling.
I wish you all the best, stay strong.

LegacyUser

If your mother is narcissistic you cannot change her. That stuff would have roots going back years to when she was growing up. If you are waiting for an apology you are not going to get one and quiet frankly she doesn't owe you one either. It is her house and her home. She can put whatever she wants in her home.

What you can change is you and your response and actions to things.

Getting offended at a few pictures because you weren't in any isn't good. Carrying it around for a few weeks isn't good either. Like what another poster alluded to above, the focus of your mother's pictures could have been of a wedding, especially if it was in Australia and your mother he is so far away.

There is something more serious going on here.

Why are you placing your worth and happiness into the hands of someone else and what they do? Sounds like you have some self esteem issues going on here. A happy and content place will only come from you and from within you.

'I feel like sending her a picture of a cock for christmas'

What do you think something like this would achieve? It screams of passive aggressiveness.

Lux23

I remember having this same complaint, there were pics of my brothers everywhere and none of me. In fairness though, it was essentially a mistake and my parents rectified it when they realised it was sort of hurtful. You need to be honest with yourself and admit that this has a lot more to do with just the pictures? You feel like the black sheep and you need to find out why. Perhaps staying away for Christmas will show your mother how much she probably relies on you. Or go home for Christmas, be civil and get out of there as soon as you can. It must be really hard for you though. I can only imagine.

Ursus Horribilis

You're going to have to accept that you're never going to have the relationship you want with your mother. Sadly, not all mothers are maternal or indeed are good mothers. The lack of a picture is the straw that broke the camel's back but it could just as easily have been something else. Her behaviour isn't that of a loving mother unfortunately. As the others have suggested, definitely Google narcissism.

Have you ever been to counselling over this issue? I think you would benefit from it.

How Strange

In the new year read the book toxic parents by Susan Forward. It will open your eyes. You're definitely not alone OP. Lots of us have narassistic mothers. The only thing you can change or control is how you react to her and let her affect your life.

LegacyUser

IrishLamb wrote: »

If your mother is narcissistic you cannot change her. That stuff would have roots going back years to when she was growing up. If you are waiting for an apology you are not going to get one and quiet frankly she doesn't owe you one either. It is her house and her home. She can put whatever she wants in her home.

What you can change is you and your response and actions to things.

Getting offended at a few pictures because you weren't in any isn't good. Carrying it around for a few weeks isn't good either. Like what another poster alluded to above, the focus of your mother's pictures could have been of a wedding, especially if it was in Australia and your mother he is so far away.

There is something more serious going on here.

Why are you placing your worth and happiness into the hands of someone else and what they do? Sounds like you have some self esteem issues going on here. A happy and content place will only come from you and from within you.

'I feel like sending her a picture of a cock for christmas'

What do you think something like this would achieve? It screams of passive aggressiveness.

I'm not talking to my mother, I'm not hardly going to send her a gift. No matter how much she will love the big hairy yoke.

I had a second post above. They weren't wedding pictures. They were pictures of my brothers. Another with brother and his partner.

I always thought she had a problem with women. Quite obviously not.

She can display anything she wants. It is her house. But I'm her daughter, just like her boys, just without a penis. My brother's partner isn't. And she would rather have a daily reminder of her than me. That's a real kick in the teeth.

Ursus Horribilis

aloneandmiserable wrote:

She can display anything she wants. It is her house. But I'm her daughter, just like her boys, just without a penis. My brother's partner isn't. And she would rather have a daily reminder of her than me. That's a real kick in the teeth.

It is a kick in the teeth, yes. That's why some of us are suggesting you try to understand and accept what your mother is. The book that was mentioned is worth a read. Counselling would help too. The problem for you now us that you're looking to your mother for validation and allowing her to get under your skin. You've got to accept that she's isn't like a normal mother.

SAMTALK

OP I can imagine that you would feel very hurt by this but maybe you could be the bigger person here. Dont cut contact with your mother because when she is no longer with you at least you will have a clear conscience.
In my family my older sister is the golden one. She can do no wrong and if anything needs doing I get the call because she is too busy!!! ( I work full time she works part time).
Dont get me wrong we get on very well but it does hurt that I cant do anything right and she cant do any wrong.
I have learnt to accept that this is just the way it is and try not take it personal even if it hurts at times
Go home to your family for Christmas and dont regret it down the line. The saddest thing is a family rift and if not sorted will only get worse

meeeeh

Maybe I am reading this wrong but you fell out with your mother because neither of you would buy a 2 euro picture frame. And because your mother put up a picture of your brother with his partner, who she is probably seeing once per year if she is lucky. And you begrudge her having having his picture with his partner. She was very insensitive not to include your picture but if there is no major previous history between you two, I don't think it was something worth falling out over it. And suspect the rest of the family will feel the same and you risk alienating them too.

Edit: just to add according to my cousins my father thinks I can do no wrong. I am sure my brother who has to deal with him at work every day is sick of listening about me. But he sees me only couple of times per year and even though we have arguments every time he is able to forget about them in the meantime. My mum wants constantly pictures of kids from me , she is not asking the same of my brother because she sees them all the time. You will never be able to compete with thousands of kilometres of distance.

Just to clarify, I don't think your mother was right but I also don't think it was worth going nuclear on your family.

PressRun

Such drama over a photograph. I don't think I'd even notice if my parents did or didn't have a framed photo of me in their house. Okay, so maybe you feel it's insensitive to have loads of pictures of your brother and his partner (although they are living on the other side of the planet) in the house and none of you, but is it really an issue that's worth crying and having a major falling out over? It doesn't sound as though you have many other issues with your mother besides this.

I think there are two of ye in this, tbh. Your mother may be insensitive, but I think you're overreacting a wee bit too, and potentially sabotaging you relationship with your family over a photograph seems a bit much. Are you sure there aren't other issues that you might have besides this? The level of inferiority you seem to feel sounds like it comes from a deeper place than just seeing some photographs in your mother's house.

LegacyUser

It wasn't just a picture of my brother and his partner. There were pictures of my two brothers too. Separate pictures but displayed for the whole world to see. Also her grandchild.

She can have whatever she wants but she didn't want mine. She had four weeks from between when i gave her my picture to when i went home again. At the time, i didn't have a frame but she spent €1.49 in dealz on the frames at home. I was told to get one myself. She couldn't get one herself, in four weeks. She could if she wanted to. She didn't tell my brother at home to get his own frame.

Anyway, it wasn't about a frame, it was my mother's excuse.

There's the difference, if she had wanted my picture, it would be up there, no excuse.

She always had a shrine in her bedroom, a shrine of her boys, a picture of her nephew who is a guard, not one of her niece who is a doctor. Also pictures of my brother's friends. No picture of me.

And now it was shoved in my face. There might have been some excuse having her son in Australia, but there's a brother at home displayed. And a picture of my brother's partner. How is she so accepting of her and she thought nothing of me?

Thanks to the user for the suggestion of the book.

LegacyUser

If i could edit my above post. I was told to get the frame after I went home, after she had my picture for four weeks. This was the time i brought up the topic of how hurtful it was to have pictures of her boys and their partners. I was told I was being childish and to get the frame myself.

I think it matters rather than me giving her a picture and being told get a frame. But to be told four weeks later after i gave her my picture. She also had no problem buying a frame for my brother's photo who lives at home.

Anyway, it was never about a frame. It could have been in a plastic sleeve for all i cared. She was able to include other people. It says it all really.

Dellnum

It is very hurtful of your mother to behave like that. I can't understand it especially when you more or less asked her to put up the picture. She must just resent the fact that you asked her to put it up and now she won't do it because it was your idea and not hers. Pity you didn't just buy the frame and put the picture up yourself. You will get over this OP. Go home for Christmas and give your mother a present of a picture frame with your photo in it for Christmas and just tell her that you knew it was the perfect present, something she always wanted but never got around to getting herself !!!

LegacyUser

I can't do that. My mother is the type of person to take the picture out and re-use the frame.

When i lived at home, i would often clean my room needing a refuse bag. I used to pay for the bags to be removed by the disposal companies. It was my old broken stuff, why shouldn't i pay? My mother would often remove my stuff for dumping and re-fill it herself, forcing me to buy another bin bag.

She also never valued my gifts or presents. Her birthday is the start of December, by Christmas, she would give it away, even have a basket in the house for "gifts for the relatives", in it would be what i got her for her birthday.

See, how crappy the whole behaviour is? I can't go home. She can't give away the picture itself. But, i know she will re use the frame, its exactly what she will do because it came from me. If she wanted my picture, she would have included me in her picture display. My brother's partner was more important than me.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.

I ordered the book that was suggested from Amazon, i was looking for something else to add for free shipping. I'll leave it until after Christmas to read it though. I don't think its a book for Christmas day.

It was never about the picture, never about the frame. Just to be included in her family which she was so happy to show off.

How she included my brother's partner, that was it for me. Its her home, she would rather have a picture of her. She doesn't owe me anything, i don't owe her anything either. A week to Christmas and i have not been invited to her home for Christmas.

SAMTALK

aloneandmiserable wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies.

I ordered the book that was suggested from Amazon, i was looking for something else to add for free shipping. I'll leave it until after Christmas to read it though. I don't think its a book for Christmas day.

It was never about the picture, never about the frame. Just to be included in her family which she was so happy to show off.

How she included my brother's partner, that was it for me. Its her home, she would rather have a picture of her. She doesn't owe me anything, i don't owe her anything either. A week to Christmas and i have not been invited to her home for Christmas.

OP this is a bigger issue than a photo, You really need to clear the air with your Mother as hard as this might be. Does your brother see anything wrong with her behaviour towards you? Its very hard to stay going back when you get attitude every time but I do think you need to talk to her before its too late. Best of luck and please dont be alone for Chrismas.

ibarelycare

OP I'm pretty sure you've posted dozens of times about your problems with your mother. It's an awful situation and I really feel for you. Have you sought professional help? Getting yourself worked up over and over again because of her actions isn't healthy. Posting about the same issues over and over again is useless unless you're actually going to take action. If I was you I'd cut her out of my life as much as possible. She's completely toxic. You spend far too much energy and time obsessing over how she treats your brothers compared to you and it's getting you nowhere. Go to counselling, start focusing on your own life, spend Christmas with friends. You're never going to change your mother, and you need to accept that unfortunately.

LegacyUser

May I also recommend "Children of the self absorbed" by Nina W. Brown, "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson and "Will I ever be good enough" By Dr. Karyl Mc Bride.

Buy them for yourself as christmas presents. They will help you a lot.

Dellnum

It could be OP that your mother is not the sentimental type. My mother wasn't but she did love me. I overheard her one time telling her sister that what I gave her out of my savings was cheap and I was only 10 at the time. However, I didn't take it to heart because she was very kind in other ways. Of course what I gave her at 10 was cheap but I put all my savings into it. She also never appreciated anything anyone bought for her, not just me. She would throw out any cards that anyone sent to her and say they were dirt catchers on the mantelpiece, whereas I would keep anything of sentimental value.

Sometimes we just have to accept a person for what they are and not what we want them to be. I hope you find it in your heart to go home for Christmas and forgive your mother, but then I suppose I don't know the full story, but I do wish you happiness over Christmas.

Ursus Horribilis

OP, did you ever have a good relationship with your mother?

If you wanted to be with people on Christmas Day, you could always see if there are travel hostels near you that are doing celebration dinners.

LegacyUser

I have a mother who is a lot like this too. I grew up in a household that was not fair and my mother appeared to favour my brothers more than me in many different ways.

When I was in my teens and early 20s I witnessed my mother doing or saying many things in favour of my brothers. So many times I viewed things as headwrecking bull crap, taking offence and dishing out smart aleck, sarastic comments or remarks. There was some sort of anger or resentment at the situation. Say for example my mother would wash my brothers clothes and I would be annoyed because she never did that for me and I viewed it my mother favouring my brothers.

Things changed in the past few years. Nowadays if I witness my mother doing or saying something in favour of my brothers, I don't take it personally or take offence. I don't greet it with smart aleck comments. My mother perhaps took that attitude from me as some sort of critism or an attack on her character and maybe she resented me for that.

I view it for what it is. My mother grew up in a different Ireland. A place where females had few rights. A place where males were seen as more valuable. My mother is a product of her past and there is no changing that or her past. When my mother now does things for my brothers like cooking and cleaning and giving them money, I don't take offence because she's not doing these things to annoy me. I see it as kindness towards my brothers from her. Say for example doing a laundry wash for my brothers. She's doing it to help them and to also save her washing machine. Realistically, they don't know how to use the machine and probably would break the machine by not emptying pockets. My mother is kind to me in other ways.

I don't get irritated or annoyed any more. My mother and I get on much better now and our relationship is better than ever before.

Your mother probably never meant to exclude you and the focus of your mother's photographs were probably of her grandchild who is living on the other side of the planet with his/her parents. That must be very hard for your mother.

I agree with Odus Fell Down. I think counselling would be helpful. The photo is a symbol of something more. I think it's a conflict that is happening in your mind. If it wasn't the photo, it would probably be something else. Like perhaps if your mother did display your picture, you might count the number of photos your mother has of your sister in law and think 'well my mother has five more photos of my sister in law than of me. She must value her more than me'.

LegacyUser

Thanks Dellnum, my mother wouldn't be like yours throwing out cards by other people. She never gets much gifts, only from us at birthday, mother's day, maybe a tin of biscuits at Christmas from an Aunt. She would then keep gifts from her lads. While give away or return to it the shops, without receipt.

Another poster mentioned that its product of her past where women were nothing and men were more valuable. I always thought she had a problem with women but quite obviously not my brother's partner.

And to put up one picture in her display. It wasn't about how many pictures. But then also included the daily reminder of the brother at home. Not just the emigrated sons. If you have a similar mother, and if she left you out like that. Fair play to you for putting up with it.

Guess now she has a picture of her emigrated son. And her daughter with no contact. Wonder where my picture is now in her sad miserable, loney existence.

Neyite

If the photo is brother + partner, then your mother might dearly like to crop her out of it, but knows that by doing that, it will alienate or offend her son who gave her the photo in the first place.

Maybe your brother was sending your mother a message of sorts by specifically sending her that photo - don't be as dismissive of my partner as you are with other family members, she's my family and will be treated with respect. Like it or lump it. - could something like that be possible?

I'm omitted from my MIL wall, I just realised. As are her single child, and her other, engaged child. It's just wedding photos though and I'm not married. I've been with her son almost 12 years and we have a child, but she does see me as almost-family, rather than actual family because we haven't had our wedding yet - it wasn't out of any dislike or malice though. It kinda stung at the time when she let that slip in conversation, but you know, it didn't hurt me for long because I don't seek or crave her approval or her acceptance. She's nice, and I like her, and could do a lot worse in the MIL stakes but I don't need her endorsement to be happy.

That's the key difference. You are craving that acceptance and approval from your mother and as long as you crave it and hold out hope that you might get it some day from her, you will continue to be hurt by her actions and words when she lets you down like she always has. We cant change other people, only ourselves and how we react to them. Read the books over Christmas, do nice things for yourself, get some emotional distance from her and her warped views, and maybe aim to have 2016 a year where all this crap in your family ceases to matter to you anymore.

via4

That was a bit mean of your mother especially after you gave her a photo to put up. Yes as hard as it is try not to let it annoy you. As for xmas just think of it as another day...it will pass...you may feel crappy that day or you may try and distract yourself as best as possible...think of your new year and what you will do differently and plan things to look forward to xx

meeeeh

I have pictures of my son in the drawer for the last three years and daughter wasn't even booked with the photographer yet. Sometimes if you don't do something straight away it gets forgotten. I know OP has bigger issues with her mother but the picturegate would be a bit of a non issue for me. Maybe it's the straw that broke the camel's back.

LegacyUser

Things were a bit hazy since it happened a few months ago, I forgot to mention the full story.

I gave her the picture in August to add to her picture display. I knew at the time, nothing will come of it because thats the person she is. But just in case, because she never had a picture of me, and since she started displaying pictures over the house.

I went home a few weeks later. When I went home and less than a minute in the door, my mother threw a sheet over her picture display to hide it from me. She had my picture for a month and rather than display my picture, she tried to hide her pictures.

I think it says it all, even before I brought up the topic, she knew she was wrong not to put my picture up but she didn't.

I went back to my houseshare that weekend and said nothing until October.

She tried to hide her pictures with a sheet.

I don't need her approval and she's nothing to me. Its just a lifetime of hurt.

I'm not spending Christmas at home. I'm treating it like a normal Saturday/Sunday but without shops open.

leanonme

Hey OP, my boyfriend grew up in a similar house hold, and he had depression as a result of it and struggled to live a normal life. 6 years ago he had a row with his mother over something silly, but it was the straw that broke the camels back. He left that day and never went back, he still had depression but was a lot better than he had been while still dealin with it all, then two years after that he attended counselling and he has not looked back since then. It was hard on him to cut contact with them but it was harder to live with the pain of the way he was being abused. I will say that his mother was very abusive towards him and I seen it every week for the two years we were together while he was living there.
Have you ever asked your brothers about it?
I have a very traditional father who will give everything to my brothers, and not me and my sister, but I know he loves me, he is just so stuck in traditions etc that he can not see that some of what he is doing is wrong.

LegacyUser

Your mother shouldn't have to cover her photographs in her own home. She probably knew you were going to respond badly to her photographs because they were all off other family.

Sometimes we all have good intentions but we simply don't get time to carry them out and by the sounds of things your mother simply didn't organise herself into getting a frame. You don't live with your mother any more and you haven't spoken to her so you don't know what's happening with her or her life.

ibarelycare

OP have you sought counselling over this? People have asked you that many times. Your issues with your mother are very deep seeded and they must be damaging your wellbeing. You need to be proactive and work on yourself rather than focusing on your mother.

LCD

Your mother is horrible & disrespectful to you. Going to her for Christmas & thereby "supporting" her means you are putting up with her behaviour. I believe you are sending the message that its ok for her to treat you whatever way she pleases. Your decision to stand up to her & not go at Christmas is commendable. Well done you.

Ursus Horribilis

ibarelycare wrote:

OP have you sought counselling over this? People have asked you that many times. Your issues with your mother are very deep seeded and they must be damaging your wellbeing. You need to be proactive and work on yourself rather than focusing on your mother.

^^This. In some ways you're coming across as someone who's very slow on the uptake. The photo happened to be the straw that broke the camel's back but this rift could've been caused by just about anything.

Reading this as someone who isn't emotionally involved, all I can think when I'm reading your posts is why you keep going back for more? Why you can't seem to see or accept that your mother doesn't seem to like you and that she has a track record of treating you badly.

Perhaps it's this denial that has stopped you from seeking counselling. I also noticed that you said you'd read the books recommended later on. I hope your reasons for doing this aren't simply to kick the can down the road.

As for the day itself, if you don't want to volunteer, then make plans for yourself to fill the day. Have a lie-in, try out a new recipe, get your hands on a dvd box set, give yourself a facial, read a book, paint a picture, write poetry, go for a long walk...ok so some of my suggestions might be off the wall for you but what I'm getting at is that you make some sort of plan to get through the day. Once Stephens Day comes along, there'll be a bit more happening out there.

Emme

OP, I recommend volunteering on Christmas Day. It will give you a reason to get up and get out of the house and it can be very educational and rewarding. I have always had rotten Christmases with my family and one year it came to a head and I said I wasn't going home. Basically one parent is a narc and always starts a fight on Christmas day and everyone else ends up crying.

The Christmas I was away I volunteered with a charity giving Christmas dinners to the homeless. It was an amazing day and rates as one of my best Christmases. Obnoxious behavior which was considered "normal" in my parents house was not tolerated there. My parents would look down on some of these people but 95% of them were far more courteous and better behaved than the narc parent.

There are pages and resources on fb to help people with narc parents. Check out "Freedom from Parental Narcissistic Abuse", "Narcissistic Parent Answers" and "Enough - Take Back Your Life from the Narcissist" to start. Also find a good counsellor, one who realizes that narcissists do not change and cannot be helped. You are the one who needs help. Your mother's attitude is not your fault, it's the way she is and she won't/can't change. You can.

intheclouds

ibarelycare wrote: »

OP have you sought counselling over this? People have asked you that many times. Your issues with your mother are very deep seeded and they must be damaging your wellbeing. You need to be proactive and work on yourself rather than focusing on your mother.

^^ Definitely this.

You cant change your mother. You can only change yourself. You really have to learn to accept and forgive her. You dont have to have a relationship with her. But if you dont let go of this it will continue to poison you and hurt you and cause you stress and anxiety.

It is clear by your posts that your thought patterns are obsessive on this. You continue to repeat the same things as though you need to justify your own decision not to be in contact with her.

You dont need to justify why you dont want to be in contact with her. She is toxic. yes it sucks but thats the way it is.

All this hurt and anger is going to destroy you and your health. Her behaviour is her fault but your reaction to it is your responsibility. So be responsible, get counselling, look after yourself.

I know by the big disproportionate dramatic reaction that you are trying to get her attention so that you can hurt her like she has hurt you. You might not like that but thats where its at. But the problem is, she wont be hurt because she doesnt care. You cant hurt someone like her. She will take your reaction and use it to garner sympathy from other people. The only response to someone like her is to just move on and do so healthily and happily and in the knowledge that you have detached with love from a toxic individual and they have no more hold over you anymore.

There is toxic cycle to your behaviour. She hurts you. You make a dramatic gesture (not speaking to her), and then you use that to beat yourself that SHE hasnt contacted YOU for christmas. Meanwhile she is telling everyone exactly the same thing. You havent contacted her for christmas.

zoobizoo

What have your brothers said about the situation OP? Or are they aware of it?

If they are aware, are they just avoiding it?

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. Just some replies, someone mentioned that my mother may have wanted to edit my brother's partner out and just have my brother. This wasnt the case. There were tons of digital pictures sent by email. Tons of pictures of my brother, which she has displayed. But she could have displayed more of him. But she choosed brother and his partner.

Also another poster mentioned that she may have forgotten, there wasnt any forgetting in printing pictures. She didnt forget to buy tons of picture frames in different sizes, enough for a bed sheet to cover. This wasn't a one week operation of hers. She didn't forget to get a frame.

LCD, thank you for your reply. My mother wouldn't discuss it when i brought it up, told me i was being childish. Going out the door, she said to give her a ring sometime. She knew how hurt I was... Yet she dismissed me and my feelings about being excluded... She wouldn't even discuss it... I know if I go home, i am only accepting that behaviour and supporting it. Letting her know its ok to treat me like that. I'm not going back for more.

I think someone mentioned why do i keep going back for more. Why am i visiting someone who hates my guts, who would rather have her boys in place than me.

Why do i. I lived at home for an embarrassingly long time due to financial reasons and being out of work. Trust me, I didn't want to go home for the same type of treatment. But there were always things to get at home.

I had a hospital appointment two weeks ago. It involved going home to my home county, three hours travel. I went home, but I didn't go home, to stay the night. I made the trip up and down in the one day, rather than go anywhere near my mother's home. The journey killed me in the one day but I wasn't going anywhere near her.

Odus fell down, i've got one of the books ordered. I didn't say I'll read it later on, just not on Christmas day. It sounds like a book that will make you cry, so not Christmas day. Hell no, I'm not avoiding it or the suggestions of the other books either. One at a time though.

Zoobizoo, my brother at home is certainly aware of the current situation at home. He fooked me out of it telling me to shut up, when i was telling my mother how unfair it was. How could he not be aware of male pictures and brother's partner and none of his sister.

If my brother spoke up for me at the time, and told my mother the story in plain black and white, you can bet my mother would take his views into consideration.

Growing up, there was always unfair treatment going on. Dinners for the boys, nothing for the me. They did of course notice that. It was shoved in their face.

In fact, i brought up something with my brother in Australia, two years ago. He wasnt keeping in touch, ringing everyone else, and i told him how hurtful his behaviour was. He fooked me out of it, calling me every name under the sun and never to contact him again. I guess that's how you treat your sister. I wasn't allowed to say anything to begin with.

Counseling. Where do i start? Do i go to my gp, get a referral? Are they expensive? This is my 2016 resolution, I want to be happy and let this go. Do they help you if you decide you want to cut them out and whatever issues that may bring?

As for Christmas, I'm treating it as any other day, with DVDs and new bed sheets. I don't go to mass but screw it, I'm going, no one knows me, I'm dressing up.

Neyite

OP,

Our mod checks have came up that you have posted about your situation before, and that we have talked to you about it. I'm really glad that you've moved out, and that you are looking into counselling. These are progressive steps.

You can talk to your GP and ask for a referral, but you may have to try a couple of counsellors before you find one you are comfortable working with, and it sounds like there will be a lot of work to do there.

There is another forum with a very long thread by women in the very same situation as you. Some worse, some not as bad, but its an ongoing thread and one I think will really help you, because PI is more for advice on specific situations and threads close when a decision is reached. Please take a look, it's an eye opener.

Because you've decided how you'll spend Christmas, and because the mods feel that advice here would fall short of the professional help you need to fully deal with this I'm going to close this thread now.

Happy Christmas, and I wish you a transformational 2016.