Sister Imposing boyfriend on family events

LegacyUser

Need some advice on how to approach this and whether its worth the hassle.

My sister came out of a ten year abusive marriage 2 years ago. It was a tough time for all of us as a family, trying to support her and help her against a very manipulative man.
Thankfully, the worst is over her and she is now in a relationship with a new man for the last year.

This new man is a bit odd. Has a bit of a chip on his shoulder and likes to make snarky remarks. He's also been caught lying on a few occasions about his past. My sister has never seen any of this, or if she has, doesn't acknowledge it. He likes to pretend he's an expert on different things but if anyone expresses any knowledge on what he's discussing, he shuts down completely. He also has a teenage daughter.

My sister has never asked us what we think of him. I don't like him, my brother doesn't like him and my other 2 sisters are fairly indifferent.

The problem is Christmas. We are having a family Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve, as we do every year. My sister has asked this new man and his daughter which I think is very inappropriate. My brother has told me he's not comfortable with them being there, nor am I.

How do I approach this? From our point of view, we had her former husband imposed on us for every family event we ever had and always resented it. He was a horrible man. Now its happening again.

Is there a way of asking her to disinvite them without causing a huge row?

ManOfMystery

Are you all bringing your partners along?

magicmushroom

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Are you all bringing your partners along?

Exactly what I was going to ask.

If you are then there's little you can do, she might not like your partners for all you know but has just never said!

And if you're not bringing your own partners, then just tell her its family only and no partners are being invited including yours.

TizTaly2015

Agree with magicmushroom.

Is the meal in your house? If not, then you can't really dictate who can and can't be there. Listen, we all have people in our lives who we don't get on with. He just happens to be one of them for you. As long as he is treating your sister ok, then you're just going to have to accept him. He may be very good to her. On a side note, my sister also came out of a shi**y relationship and has been with a new guy for a couple of years now - I don't like him at all but he treats my sis very well so that's the main thing...

Dolbert

If you're not hosting, then you don't really have much of a say I'm afraid.

Diamond Doll

The only real concern I'd have from what you've said is that he's lied about his past - can you elaborate on that? How do you know, and have you discussed it with your sister?

I wouldn't let the fact that he has a teenage daughter put you off him ... everyone has a past (your sister included), surely it's a good sign that he's a very active part of her life, seeing as they're planning on spending Christmas Eve together. I assume your sister has met the daughter, and that they get on well together?

The other concerns you've voiced seem quite subjective to me. Sure, you might never be best buddies with this man, but you don't need to be. You're not the one dating him.

As others have said, if it's not an occasion where partners are usually invited, he shouldn't be an exception. But if everyone else's partners and children are there, I think it would be very inappropriate to exclude them.

LegacyUser

Yes partners are going, but we are all married, we never had boyfriends or girlfriends going along. Its mainly a night for the grand kids to get their presents from Granpops, that's why its weird to have 2 people who are effectively strangers.

She has done this before, had them tag along to family events and parties without asking. He makes no effort with anyone and annoys everyone, yet she seems oblivious.
Its the fact she imposes them on us without asking if its okay that's really annoying.

Mr. Motley

The only reason you seem to not want him there is that fact that you don't like him.

Presuming that other partners are being invited, this is a pretty irrelevant reason to 'disinvite' him.

You don't have to like all your in-laws - I'd imagine most people don't, but you should make an effort at events such as this to at least be pleasant for the day.

Sunny Dayz

Just because he thinks he knows everything and makes sarky comments doesn't mean you can exclude him from family events! Is there anything about him you get along with? Do you know much about him? Have you met him much? There must be something you sister sees in him?


My friend's husband likes to think he's always right and if he's in the wrong I rarely ever hear him apologise but if someone wrongs him he demands an apology straight away. But apart from this, he's great craic and a fantastic partner to my friend. What I'm trying to get at is that everyone has their bad qualities but that doesn't write them off completely.


Maybe try and use this dinner to get to know him and his daughter a bit more, it's kinda of a big thing if he's bringing his daughter to meet you all.

magicmushroom

Crimbo Crank wrote: »

Yes partners are going, but we are all married, we never had boyfriends or girlfriends going along. Its mainly a night for the grand kids to get their presents from Granpops, that's why its weird to have 2 people who are effectively strangers.

She has done this before, had them tag along to family events and parties without asking. He makes no effort with anyone and annoys everyone, yet she seems oblivious.
Its the fact she imposes them on us without asking if its okay that's really annoying.

But why should she ask? Partners are invited and he's her boyfriend...

I have to say, you're coming across as really miserable and begrudging.
If she was in an abusive relationship for so long, would you not just encourage her happiness here and make the effort? You don't need to sit next to him and be his best buddy.

I think you need to elaborate on why he is so awful because at the moment you just sound like a spoilt child who isn't getting their way. You couldn't have picked a better username.

strandroad

Would you prefer that she marries him for him to earn his entry among you married children? It seems reasonable of her not to rush into marriage after a bad first one, but to spend some time checking how compatible they are. Meeting the family is part of the process...

eviltwin

I feel sorry for your sister. She's having some happiness after years of abuse and you just want to rain on her parade. How about being happy for her and using Christmas as a way to really get to know her new man and his daughter. It's ironic she's come out of a controlling relationship and you want to impose more control on her. Stop treating your sister like she's a fool and be more inclusive

Ellie2008

Crimbo Crank wrote: »

Yes partners are going, but we are all married, we never had boyfriends or girlfriends going along. Its mainly a night for the grand kids to get their presents from Granpops, that's why its weird to have 2 people who are effectively strangers.

She has done this before, had them tag along to family events and parties without asking. He makes no effort with anyone and annoys everyone, yet she seems oblivious.
Its the fact she imposes them on us without asking if its okay that's really annoying.

But do you ask her if you can bring your husband along?! So is she only allowed to bring him once they're married, seems rather old fashioned to me. So you'd happily go along with all your partners & kids and treat her like some maiden aunt because she isn't married to her partner.

screamer

Whatever about him having to be invited i tgink teenage daughter from previous relationship and they only together a year is inappropriate. sounds like tour sister is trying to put a ready made family toghether there. I certainly wouldn't be happy with the setup but then I vote with my feet. I refuse to spend Christmas day with people I can't stand ir people who are out to trifle or ruin it.

ManOfMystery

We've all been at family functions with people who annoy us. That doesn't give us a right to exclude them or feel that it's ok for our partners to be there, but not the partners of siblings.

I've learnt over the years that people who can be a bit annoying, or snide or whatever, are generally harmless. You go to a function, make some small talk with them for a few hours, then go back to your nice comfortable life and forget them. It's really not a big deal. There'd be more grounds for concern if your sister was dating a known criminal, drug dealer, abusive guy, etc. As it stands, it's just someone you don't and your brother don't really click with - by your own admission, your other 2 sisters seem indifferent so that suggests to me it's just a personality clash.

In that respect, my advice is to suck it up and give your sister a chance. She's with him for a reason.

Ellie2008

Crimbo Crank wrote: »

Yes partners are going, but we are all married, we never had boyfriends or girlfriends going along. Its mainly a night for the grand kids to get their presents from Granpops, that's why its weird to have 2 people who are effectively strangers.

She has done this before, had them tag along to family events and parties without asking. He makes no effort with anyone and annoys everyone, yet she seems oblivious.
Its the fact she imposes them on us without asking if its okay that's really annoying.

But do you ask her if you can bring your husband along?! So is she only allowed to bring him once they're married, seems rather old fashioned to me. So you'd happily go along with all your partners & kids and treat her like some maiden aunt because she isn't married to her partner.

LegacyUser

Crimbo Crank wrote: »

Its the fact she imposes them on us without asking if its okay that's really annoying.

Did you and your married siblings check your choices with each other before you committed to marriage? I doubt it and since you feel your marriages now make the spouses presence a right, that means you imposed your choices on everyone else as much as your sister, just over a longer time and with the apparent legitimisation of a legal union with its origins in property rights and tax benefits.

To be honest, I find your attitude to this quite arrogant and horrible and it looks like you were trying to find support for how you're carrying on. I'm glad you're not finding it, maybe this will be a good lesson for you and you can learn to respect your sister's choices, which have as much social and emotional legitimacy as yours do.

For what it's worth, I have a sister with a similar fella. I wouldn't dream of stopping her bringing him along and neither would any of the rest of the family, her partner may not be our cup of tea, but that's not her problem and so long as he makes her happy, that's all we're entitled to care about.

PinkLemonade

I feel sorry for his daughter, I'm sure she wants to be there the least out of everyone

SAMTALK

I would agree with not bringing the daughter to the dinner. Dont think its appropriate yet (and if a typical teen I cant imagine they'd be too upset).

Just because you dont like him is not reason enough to exclude him. If its in your parents house its up to them who they welcome into their home.
How do you know that some of your family arent that keen on your husband and just put on a happy face to save your feelings??

We all have people who we'd prefer not to mingle with but on some occassiond you just have to get over it and look at the bigger picture. Would you not prefer a few hours in his company than the risk of losing your sisters friendship???

discus

I would agree with not bringing the daughter to the dinner. Dont think its appropriate yet (and if a typical teen I cant imagine they'd be too upset).

Amen, honestly, who wants to spend christmas - a time of reunion - with the awkward situation of a stranger present?

We all have people who we'd prefer not to mingle with but on some occassiond you just have to get over it and look at the bigger picture. Would you not prefer a few hours in his company than the risk of losing your sisters friendship???

Look at the even bigger picture here, it's the sister losing the friendship of her multiple siblings by bringing in awkward strangers to a very tight family situation.

I have an auntie who brings her new partners to our christmas functions every year. It's annoying having to get to know someone at an event that I should be catching up with family I barely get to see. It ruins the dynamic. It wouldn't be that bad if I had met them during the year even. The sister should just leave it this year - if she wants to get 2 families involved together like that, it needs be be gradual.

strandroad

SAMTALK wrote: »

I would agree with not bringing the daughter to the dinner. Dont think its appropriate yet (and if a typical teen I cant imagine they'd be too upset).

Depends on whether she has options to be somewhere else... If her mother is not around, not well or not able to organise Christmas it might be necessary for them to be together.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry, I know I come across as begrudging but I don't feel like I'm spoilt or controlling as some have described.

This is a man who has a history of domestic abuse, which we found out about and my sister fobbed off as a thing of nothing, he is very vague about his past, no one seems to know who he is, despite claiming to live in the same town all his life.
He always has smart remarks for my husband and I about our jobs, as we both have good jobs, which he seems to have a chip on his shoulder about.
His daughter admittedly is very nice but she is being forced on us like she is now a part of our family and I'm sorry but she's not.

We still get abuse from her former husband and his family to this day whenever we see them and I am just afraid that this new relationship will head down the same road with another bloody family we have to take crap from.

I guess I resent her a little as I was the only person who spoke out about her husband but I was called a liar and everything under the sun and shunned by some of the family and she stood by while he completely blackened me.
It just feels like the same thing happening all over again.

discus

Ellie2008 wrote: »

But do you ask her if you can bring your husband along?! So is she only allowed to bring him once they're married, seems rather old fashioned to me. So you'd happily go along with all your partners & kids and treat her like some maiden aunt because she isn't married to her partner.

Ridiculous post. They have never met the daughter, and they don't like new boyfriend. The husbands were no doubt boyfriends at one stage, and went through the same "getting to know the parents/family" stage, hopefully without being dropped into the heat of it at christmas.

strandroad

discus wrote: »

Ridiculous post. They have never met the daughter, and they don't like new boyfriend. The husbands were no doubt boyfriends at one stage, and went through the same "getting to know the parents/family" stage, hopefully without being dropped into the heat of it at christmas.

They have met the daughter too I think, OP says that "she tagged them along" before... It was in fact gradual then, they just want to draw the line at Christmas.

eviltwin

discus wrote: »

Ridiculous post. They have never met the daughter, and they don't like new boyfriend. The husbands were no doubt boyfriends at one stage, and went through the same "getting to know the parents/family" stage, hopefully without being dropped into the heat of it at christmas.

She says in her second post they've met the daughter. They are also together a year, it's not a new relationship. It's a difficult situation but I think they are being petty. So what if they don't like him. My siblings don't get on with my husband but everyone is adult enough to be civil when required.

Turtle_

In all of this, it's the partner's daughter I feel sorry for. You're a grown up and by rights you should know that Christmas is seldom perfect. There's usually going to be something (actually one of my aunts married someone who was very much a know it all, at first a lot of us weren't keen on him but as time went by he mellowed and has become very nice to be around), but as a kid Christmas is still magical and special. Try to put yourself in her shoes. The kids in your family will just go with whatever way the adults react - "it was nice to have X and Y there, wasn't it?" "yeah". Maybe arrange to have a small gift there for her.

strandroad

Crimbo Crank wrote: »

We still get abuse from her former husband and his family to this day whenever we see them and I am just afraid that this new relationship will head down the same road with another bloody family we have to take crap from.

I guess I resent her a little as I was the only person who spoke out about her husband but I was called a liar and everything under the sun and shunned by some of the family and she stood by while he completely blackened me.
It just feels like the same thing happening all over again.

It feels like you need some sort of family mediation (does such a thing exist?) with your sister, because your issue is not really with the new fella as much as with your sisters broader history and choices, even if she does not bring them now or drops him altogether your resentment will still be there and will keep resurfacing at every turn.

eviltwin

I would be concerned if my sister got out of a ten year abusive relationship only to go back into another one. But my concern would be for her and her safety. OP you seem to care about how it affects you and your family. I'm not really sure what advice anyone can give you. You don't have to accept him and its understandable if the stories about him are true. You can't make her give him up though and you can't cut him out without it causing hassle. She will be offended and will probably take his side and isolate herself which is just playing into his hands if he is abusive. No one can tell you what to do and you can try and put your foot down but unless you're the one hosting the get together you don't really have any say in who is or is not invited. I think you should be honest with your sister, you don't like him and have concerns about him but don't let it come between you. She may need you in the future. Maybe encourage her to get counselling for her issues around her marriage, it may help her see the new guy for what he is. Don't judge the daughter by her father either.

Augme

Similar to what eviltwin says you should be far more concerned about your sister rather than some family event. People who are just out of abusive/poor relationships are easy targets for people who are abusive. It can be a vicious cycle.

Ursus Horribilis

Now that I read more, I feel sympathy for your position. I'd not want to let someone like that within an ass's roar of my family. Unfortunately this is the person your sister has chosen. He sounds awful but trying to keep him away from family events or being hostile towards him will backfire on you. She's not going to give up the man she likes/loves(?) just because her family dislikes him. Instead it'll push her more towards him. She might also end becoming isolated from you all.

Hard and all as it is to take, the best thing to do here is to be polite and treat him the same as the other in laws. Keep the channels of communication open with your sister and be there for her. Perhaps down the line an opportunity may arise to help her in a more practical way.

Witchie

I hear what you are saying OP, in that we suffered years of my sister's fiancé, who wrecked our heads, but we did it coz we love her and while he was a total a$$hole, he was good to her and made her happy so we sucked it up. Thankfully they split up in March after one of my brothers had a talk with her at Christmas and gently pointed out some of his shortcomings and suggested she think long and hard about spending the rest of her life with him.

She has a new boyfriend that she brought to meet us all in September and he seems lovely, but he isn't coming to Christmas this year as he is spending it with his family. They have only been together a few months though so it is slightly different.

My suggestion would be to put up with him, try to bring out the best in him (everyone has some redeeming factors!) and let your sister feel loved and safe in her family environment. If after Christmas you still have major concerns sit her down and calmly tell her that you worry about her after what she has been through and worry that she is jumping headlong into another relationship too soon. Ask her to examine it and re-affirm that you are coming from a place of love for her.

As for his daughter, please make this young girl's Christmas lovely. As someone said, you don't know if she has any other option or this might be her only time to get to spend some time with her dad over Christmas. Welcome her in, make her feel part of it all and give the kid a chance to be happy. It's not her fault and the wee pet might be having a hard time with her parents being separated.

Go into Christmas with love in your heart and a willingness to give this a chance, and if you still don't like him after or have concerns, chat to her in 2016.

Best of luck. x

screamer

I know my sister has dated some losers but one in particular I sat her down told her a few home truths and made her really imagine her life id she married him. She dumped him the next week. I don't get why so many people grin and put up with assholes coming
into their families making trouble. Sit down with you sibling and tell them what you're seeing and what's worrying you for them. If you can't do that at least it's a strange family dynamic you have.

leanonme

In relation to the child, if your sister had married the man would you still treat the child as an outsider? Or when do you see your self excepting the child. By now she could have had a child for the man, so they would be siblings, would you still except her to stay at home?

I think you have very strange views about Christmas and what it's about. For my family it's about everyone having a lovely time, or the best time they can have but then again were not selfish about it. This year my brothers parter lost a young sibling so we have asked all her family for xmas incase being at home is too hard. It's not that we know them very well, but you support the ones you love at xmas.

The Princess Bride

Crimbo Crank wrote: »

I'm sorry, I know I come across as begrudging but I don't feel like I'm spoilt or controlling as some have described.

I don't think you are.
I think a year is too short a time to be with someone after the break up of a long term relationship, to be bringing them to a family dinner, especially with his child.
Too much too soon. But that's just me, perhaps.

Could it be that your sister is still feeling vulnerable and wants to be seen as "normal" like the rest of you? Or rather, doesn't want to be seen on her own when all of you have long term partners?
Is there a possibility he has insisted she bring them along?
Some people don't know their place.If I was in his shoes, I wouldn't want to go.

I sincerely hope he isn't controlling her.A year seems like a very short time between leaving a bad relationship and starting a new one. I'd be concerned.

The only positive I can see from him going, is everyone might see his true colours, not just you.
It's one day OP, that's all. Enjoy it and avoid him as much as is possible.

silverbolt

Crimbo Crank wrote: »

I'm sorry, I know I come across as begrudging but I don't feel like I'm spoilt or controlling as some have described.

This is a man who has a history of domestic abuse, which we found out about and my sister fobbed off as a thing of nothing, he is very vague about his past, no one seems to know who he is, despite claiming to live in the same town all his life.
He always has smart remarks for my husband and I about our jobs, as we both have good jobs, which he seems to have a chip on his shoulder about.
His daughter admittedly is very nice but she is being forced on us like she is now a part of our family and I'm sorry but she's not.

We still get abuse from her former husband and his family to this day whenever we see them and I am just afraid that this new relationship will head down the same road with another bloody family we have to take crap from.

I guess I resent her a little as I was the only person who spoke out about her husband but I was called a liar and everything under the sun and shunned by some of the family and she stood by while he completely blackened me.
It just feels like the same thing happening all over again.

This teenage girl has seen her family unit decayed (and if he is abusive then who knows what else) and now you dont want her because "shes not part of the family" When will she be part of the family OP? IF they get married? Five years, ten years?

They are together a year, its hardly a new relationship. Id also point out you seem to be basing this abuse claim on second hand information - do you know how amicable or bitter his divorce was? "S/He was violent" is hardly a new claim to be thrown around by a bitter ex partner.

Your sister is not to blame for her exes family or their treatment of you.

This is your sisters partner, her choice. You may not like him but he sounds very low confident and trying to impress (with his know it all attitude) - his snarky comments - i dont know, could be his humour, could be nasty, could again just be low confidence.

Christmas is supposed to be about people coming together. But you want to exclude your sisters partner because you have unresolved issues with your sibling

LegacyUser

Thanks all for your messages. I see how wrong I am and I'm glad I came here first and kept my mouth shut at home.

I know I'm wrong and potentially he could be around for a while so I better make the best of it and just get on with it. I'm just so afriad that the same thing will happen again.
All the posts regarding his daughter, you're right, she is a lovely girl and I will make an effort with her. I can't help how I feel about her Dad but I won't let that dictate how I treat her and maybe in time I will accept her as one of our own, but it won't happen immediately but now I'm open to it.

Some people said I was selfish in talking about my sisters abusive marraige and how it affected me, well it did and I think a lot of people forget that. Abuse in a relationship is much more far reaching than the marraige, it affects parents, children, siblings and the broader family and some have said I'm selfish about it, well yes I am! Because I don't ever want anyone to ever do that to my family again and I will do whatever I can to protect myself and my family from it.

I have told my sister previously that I have concerns about this man. She doesn't want to know so she knows how I feel, there is no point bringing it up again.

But I will heed the advice here, I will be civil and cordial to him, be nicer to his daughter but I will be keeping him at arms length for now. I see now its not my place to dictate who should and shouldn't go.

Thanks again everyone.

strandroad

That's a good attitude to have OP, think about the fact that by being civil you can't really lose (even if it does go south between them in the future) and that the girl especially can enjoy Christmas with you.

Shrap

Crimbo Crank wrote: »

Some people said I was selfish in talking about my sisters abusive marraige and how it affected me, well it did and I think a lot of people forget that. Abuse in a relationship is much more far reaching than the marraige, it affects parents, children, siblings and the broader family and some have said I'm selfish about it, well yes I am! Because I don't ever want anyone to ever do that to my family again and I will do whatever I can to protect myself and my family from it.

I totally agree with you, and I'm someone who brought that kind of carry-on to my brother's door once or twice during my abusive marriage. My SIL and I had a strained relationship over that, but years down the road (after someone brought their awful relationship to my door and I saw how much it affected me and mine in being asked to advocate for one of them, and their subsequent backtracking and denial of the issues) I apologised to them both wholeheartedly and told them how much I appreciated their support at the time. Sometimes people don't realise how much of a strain their relationship has been on the rest of their family/friends. Hope she comes to recognise that one day OP.

Oh, and nice one on your change of attitude towards the poor girl. I'm sure you'll make her feel comfortable and part of the family occasion.

Witchie

Well done OP. It is difficult and I know many times during my sister's ex's visits I would have to just leave the room or go talk to someone else for fear of punching the annoying fecker, but because I loved my sister, I would be polite to him and civil.

Its very understandable that you have concerns and am glad you have told your sister. Even if she isn't paying any heed to them at the moment, they are in her mind and someday if things do go wrong, she will know what you were saying was true and know that you love her dearly and are looking out for her.

Have a wonderful Christmas and if this guy is annoying you find someone else to chat to or go get people drinks/make a cuppa and just let it slide over you.

Diamond Doll

Fair play OP, you see too many people posting here and then completely ignoring the opinions and advice that they get! Well done for taking it on board. Hope all goes well for you!