Have a fear I'm ugly

carter001

Hi everyone,

Maybe I'm a bit immature for my age but lately I've being having the feeling that I'm ugly.I'm a male 35 years old,I live at home.I recently tried dating websites but I seem to be getting a lot of rejections and I'm taking it personally.

I've always been told that I'm a handsome guy,but I never approached women because I'm just shy and reclusive.This is an issue for me as I don't socialise much and therefore meet girls and I'm worried I will never find a girl.I live with my mother and she's elderly.

I'm a diagnosed schizophrenic,have been for the past 8-9 years and I've issues with my facial appearance for a long time.I've even gone and had cosmetic treatments like skin peels,etc but I was never happy with the results.

So my question is it normal for a guy my age to be overly concerned about his appearance or should I just let it go and move on.?

thanks
carter001

I hope this is the right place to post this :-)

manonboard

carter001 wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Maybe I'm a bit immature for my age but lately I've being having the feeling that I'm ugly.I'm a male 35 years old,I live at home.I recently tried dating websites but I seem to be getting a lot of rejections and I'm taking it personally.

I've always been told that I'm a handsome guy,but I never approached women because I'm just shy and reclusive.This is an issue for me as I don't socialise much and therefore meet girls and I'm worried I will never find a girl.I live with my mother and she's elderly.

I'm a diagnosed schizophrenic,have been for the past 8-9 years and I've issues with my facial appearance for a long time.I've even gone and had cosmetic treatments like skin peels,etc but I was never happy with the results.

So my question is it normal for a guy my age to be overly concerned about his appearance or should I just let it go and move on.?

thanks
carter001

I hope this is the right place to post this :-)

I just want to comment on the online dating part. It is most definitely going to get you alot of rejections. Its just the way it works and its that way for every guy. Girls get dozens of requests each day. My GF is on it and female friends, its all the same.
They have no choice to reject 99% of people who contact them. If every guy contact one girl, it would be a useful metric of your desireability in some ways, but since its nothing like that, the results are meaningless.

Unless your a 9 or 10 in looks. Online dating is going to get lots of rejections. Luckily, numbers also allow you to meet people even with that fact.
I just want to make sure your aware that Online dating is definitely going to get you rejections and that is completely normal. It's really absolutely nothing to read into.

carter001

manonboard wrote: »

I just want to comment on the online dating part. It is most definitely going to get you alot of rejections. Its just the way it works and its that way for every guy. Girls get dozens of requests each day. My GF is on it and female friends, its all the same.
They have no choice to reject 99% of people who contact them. If every guy contact one girl, it would be a useful metric of your desireability in some ways, but since its nothing like that, the results are meaningless.

Unless your a 9 or 10 in looks. Online dating is going to get lots of rejections. Luckily, numbers also allow you to meet people even with that fact.
I just want to make sure your aware that Online dating is definitely going to get you rejections and that is completely normal. It's really absolutely nothing to read into.

Thanks manonboard,

Yeah you are right,it's all part of online dating,I suppose I just want every girl to like me which isn't going to happen.I am definitely not a 9 or a 10 in looks lol :-)

Maybe I shouldn't be on dating websites,I'm just sensitive and can be a little paranoid sometimes,My sister discourages it but I really want to find a partner and it's hard when I'm living with my mum and don't go out much.

Anyway thanks for the advice
Carter001

Hemerodrome

Under no circumstances should you based your self-image or self esteem on online dating, it's a cutthroat, brutal experience for the best of us and will give no little satisfaction. It works for very few, for most it's just access to more unrealistic expectations which are crushed just as quickly.

carter001

Hemerodrome wrote: »

Under no circumstances should you based your self-image or self esteem on online dating, it's a cutthroat, brutal experience for the best of us and will give no little satisfaction. It works for very few, for most it's just access to more unrealistic expectations which are crushed just as quickly.

Hi Hemerodrome,

I'm starting to realise that now:-)I think I'll cancel my subscription.

ElleEm

You should really start at building your confidence by getting out and meeting new people. Have you any friends, hobbies, interests? Do you work? Despite what you look like, confidence and passion are really attractive qualities. Work on that and other things will fall into place. Then you can start thinking about moving out on your own. Living with mammy at 35 may be a barrier for you.

Rubberchikken

i agree with the comment that you shouldn't base how you see yourself with the way people on online dating sites see you.
that isn't and can't bea genuine response. what this 9 or 10 rating is seems to be to just be nonsense and not worth paying any attention to.

for the moment, i'd advise you try other ways to meet anyone.

you sound like a decent person who is being a little hard on themselves. very simple advise, but don't be. you deserve more than that.
involve yourself in activities where there is a possibility of interacting with others. it's a great way to build friendships/meet someone.
have you support in helping with your mother? it's good that you are there for her, but you need to live your life too.

good luck

santana75

ElleEm wrote: »

Living with mammy at 35 may be a barrier for you.

OP do not listen to this ^^^^^^

Forget about what anyone else thinks of you, or what other people may tell you are barriers. This kind of thing will only make you feel bad about yourself and thats the exact opposite of what you need to do right now. You'll move out and get your own place when you're ready and you'll do it for yourself, not for anyone else or so that a woman will like you. You gotta realise that you're ok as you are right now, accept yourself and get to like yourself. When you do that you'll want the best for youself and you'll make all the right decisions, when you're ready. But dont do things because you think its the socially acceptable thing to do or because someone shamed you into it, do it for yourself and out of respect for who you are.
As for internet dating, get away from that asap, its toxic for you right now. Its a sellers market, for whatever reason men outnumber women 3:1, so even not very attractive women will get a lot of messages and offers. If you are a good looking guy you'd still struggle. Its inherently flawed anyway, you cant get a full sense of a person unless theyre standing there in your prescence. The vibe and energy a person gives off is the most important part of attraction, but thats something you just cant connect with through words on a screen or even a photograph. Theres girls I know who take terrible pictures, and if you were to judge them by the pictures theyre in you wouldnt bother with them. But being in their prescence is a completely different thing, theyre attractive and beautiful because when youre standing in front of them you get a sense of everything they are, its a feeling. You have to approach people in person, in real life, not hiding behind a computer screen. You're not mustering up courage and going for it, you're hoping to by pass the brave part, but you cant do that, life doesnt allow it, thats why internet dating has a colossal failure rate. Its people trying to avoid that part where you walk up to a stranger in person and risk being rejected. But thats life, its all about risking rejection, but you gotta go for it anyway and do it in person.

carter001

ElleEm wrote: »

Then you can start thinking about moving out on your own. Living with mammy at 35 may be a barrier for you.

Thanks ElleEm,

It's not like I want to be at home with mam,I look after her because my dad died a year ago and she has difficulty walking.I lived on my own many times,in Dublin and other places but I never liked it.I suppose I have the comforts of home now as well which isn't good.

I see your point about it being a barrier,it will probably turn a lot of women off if they hear I'm at home.I don't work either but I'm starting a back to education program soon and then onto college.I know I'm 35 and I'm not that young anymore but I can still make something out of my life,its not too late.

Any I might meet someone in college or indeed on the course I'll be doing soon.

Thanks.

carter001

Rubberchikken wrote: »

i agree with the comment that you shouldn't base how you see yourself with the way people on online dating sites see you.
that isn't and can't bea genuine response. what this 9 or 10 rating is seems to be to just be nonsense and not worth paying any attention to.

for the moment, i'd advise you try other ways to meet anyone.

you sound like a decent person who is being a little hard on themselves. very simple advise, but don't be. you deserve more than that.
involve yourself in activities where there is a possibility of interacting with others. it's a great way to build friendships/meet someone.
have you support in helping with your mother? it's good that you are there for her, but you need to live your life too.

good luck

Hi Rubberchikken,

I have some support for mam which allows me to go out and do shopping and small jobs.I am being on hard on myself because my brother had a loads of girlfriends and never had a problem with women but I'm the complete oppesite,shy,introvert,I don't talk much either but I am friendly with people.

I'll just have to get my life in order then maybe things will start to fall into place.

carter001

santana75 wrote: »

OP do not listen to this ^^^^^^

Forget about what anyone else thinks of you, or what other people may tell you are barriers. This kind of thing will only make you feel bad about yourself and thats the exact opposite of what you need to do right now. You'll move out and get your own place when you're ready and you'll do it for yourself, not for anyone else or so that a woman will like you. You gotta realise that you're ok as you are right now, accept yourself and get to like yourself. When you do that you'll want the best for youself and you'll make all the right decisions, when you're ready. But dont do things because you think its the socially acceptable thing to do or because someone shamed you into it, do it for yourself and out of respect for who you are.
As for internet dating, get away from that asap, its toxic for you right now. Its a sellers market, for whatever reason men outnumber women 3:1, so even not very attractive women will get a lot of messages and offers. If you are a good looking guy you'd still struggle. Its inherently flawed anyway, you cant get a full sense of a person unless theyre standing there in your prescence. The vibe and energy a person gives off is the most important part of attraction, but thats something you just cant connect with through words on a screen or even a photograph. Theres girls I know who take terrible pictures, and if you were to judge them by the pictures theyre in you wouldnt bother with them. But being in their prescence is a completely different thing, theyre attractive and beautiful because when youre standing in front of them you get a sense of everything they are, its a feeling. You have to approach people in person, in real life, not hiding behind a computer screen. You're not mustering up courage and going for it, you're hoping to by pass the brave part, but you cant do that, life doesnt allow it, thats why internet dating has a colossal failure rate. Its people trying to avoid that part where you walk up to a stranger in person and risk being rejected. But thats life, its all about risking rejection, but you gotta go for it anyway and do it in person.

Thanks santana75,

I don't mind what ElleEm said she's probably right.It doesn't look good to women to be at home at my age but I really have no choice at the moment as my family are all away and married and have their own lives to live.

Thank you for the kind words and yes internet dating is a bad idea right now.Once I start getting back into interests I once had I'll be fine.I love music,right now I'm learning the tenor banjo and I'm really enjoying it.

I have no friends,again it's hard with mam in her condition to meet people and to be honest the town I live in is small and there aren't many social groups so I'm limited to contact.I don't drink or smoke so going to bars is a catch two situation,I don't have friends to go with and I'm not going on my own to pubs.I'm over the whole clubbing scene.

Thanks.

ElleEm

Why don't you start chatting to people on internet fora? You can build from there and maybe even go to a Boards meetup.
You are on the right track though, reaching out to come out of your shell. You have your whole life ahead of you! Caring for your mother is a different story to the idea of you just being a 35 year old still attached to the apron strings.
Have you joined any groups/ meetups regarding your schizophrenia/ mental health? That could be a less intimidating way to meet people.
Well done on the college thing, my partner is the same age as you and has just gone back to college after almost 20 years out of it. Very brave!

manonboard

may i suggest meetup.com for you.

Its not a dating site or anything (though i dont have anything against dating sites, if used realistically).

It's got tons of groups centered around whatever preferences, like mindfulness, hiking, blah blah

I use it for many activities and it occurs to me that about 30% of my friends are now from that.

I suggest it as a very easy, low pressure, non societal status quo way to do stuff you like to do and meet people who happen to find that interesting. Its far more likely these people will find you interesting for obvious reasons.
The important thing is that it will also take some of the pressure of yourself to meet someone. Go for the fun, and it becomes far less of a 'need' and much more a 'nice to have'.

Roselm

"ElleEm wrote: »

Have you joined any groups/ meetups regarding your schizophrenia/ mental health? That could be a less intimidating way to meet people.
Well done on the college thing, my partner is the same age as you and has just gone back to college after almost 20 years out of it. Very brave!

I agree. You need to find places where you can meet people like yourself who you have something in common with either as regards interests, background or personality

carter001

ElleEm wrote: »

Why don't you start chatting to people on internet fora? You can build from there and maybe even go to a Boards meetup.
You are on the right track though, reaching out to come out of your shell. You have your whole life ahead of you! Caring for your mother is a different story to the idea of you just being a 35 year old still attached to the apron strings.
Have you joined any groups/ meetups regarding your schizophrenia/ mental health? That could be a less intimidating way to meet people.
Well done on the college thing, my partner is the same age as you and has just gone back to college after almost 20 years out of it. Very brave!

Hi EllEm,

Yes I've been to many workshops regarding my schizophrenia,meetings,groups and met really interesting people but due to my illness I did not make contact with them outside of the meetings,which is a pity because I did meet some really nice people in similar situations as me.They came from all different walks of life and I could relate to their stories.

Currently I am on a waiting list to do a WRAP(wellness recovery action plan)program which starts in a few months time so that will give me an opportunity to meet people,hopefully around the same age as me and sure if they aren't at least I'm meeting people.

I have gotten my mum to the stage where she can walk more or less so I'm not tied down as much as I was before.I just want to get on with my life and get working and then maybe meet someone.Internet dating is awash with weirdos/fake profiles/and even the dating site themselves creating accounts to lure people in.I realise this now.But then again internet dating can be a positive experience for some people so I'm not knocking it totally.

I'm very happy to hear about your partner going back to college,it can be very hard when you have been away from study for a long time and trying to adapt to student life can also be very hard.

When I was in college before I used to lock myself away in the toilets between lectures to avoid people,I would avoid the canteen or any situation where I would be around people but it was very handy living so close to the college as I could cycle to my apartment and back again.I didn't tell the lecturers I was having issues with my appearance,or that I had depression so my studies suffered because of this and I fell behind.Then I had to drop out because I couldn't deal with everything.

Thankfully now though I am in a much better place both mentally and psychically.psychically. Ok at the start of this thread I said I felt ugly,which I still do to a certain degree but I'm accepting myself more.I just got upset the other day when someone blocked me on the dating site but now I'm over it.

I shall use my time for more positive things
Regards
Carter001

carter001

manonboard wrote: »

may i suggest meetup.com for you.

Its not a dating site or anything (though i dont have anything against dating sites, if used realistically).

It's got tons of groups centered around whatever preferences, like mindfulness, hiking, blah blah

I use it for many activities and it occurs to me that about 30% of my friends are now from that.

I suggest it as a very easy, low pressure, non societal status quo way to do stuff you like to do and meet people who happen to find that interesting. Its far more likely these people will find you interesting for obvious reasons.
The important thing is that it will also take some of the pressure of yourself to meet someone. Go for the fun, and it becomes far less of a 'need' and much more a 'nice to have'.

Thanks for the website recommendation manonboard its great.There is a local information technology group that I'm interested in so I might check it out.Not much where I live in terms of walking,which I like,but I shall keep my eye on the site and see if anything else comes up.

Cheers
Carter001

carter001

Roselm wrote: »

I agree. You need to find places where you can meet people like yourself who you have something in common with either as regards interests, background or personality

Good advice Roselm,I will definitely do that

kjl

I'll give you a bit of advice about online dating.

I'm a guy, 35 like yourself. I would consider myself very attractive, never had any trouble picking up girls when I was younger, but I am in a job where I don't get to socialise that much anymore so I thought great I'll try online dating.

So I set up a profile on POF, grab some picture where I think I look nice. Threw in a couple from professional photoshoot. I get a huge number of messages. I would say on average I get about 10-20 a week, the problem is they all seem to be from women who are older than me and definitely not in my league looks wise. I am in great shape and really look after myself and these women clearly don't. The have the real great looking profile pic to lure you in, but then they are much much heavier if they even show their body.

Now, here's the thing. I rarely get responses from the women I message, I would message people where I will have read their profiles and make a good witty comment on something I see, you can see they have checked out your profile and they don't respond. Some people use it more as a way to pass the time rather than as an actual way of getting dates. I think in total I've been on one date from online dating and let's just say she didn't look like her photos.

The best way to meet people is to just put yourself out there. Join a meet up group and go out to it. People are not going to see what you are really like behind a computer screen. The only way it to meet them face to face. I get most of my dates just walking around shops and chatting to people I meet. If you have a repor ask them for a number.

carter001

kjl wrote: »

I'll give you a bit of advice about online dating.

I'm a guy, 35 like yourself. I would consider myself very attractive, never had any trouble picking up girls when I was younger, but I am in a job where I don't get to socialise that much anymore so I thought great I'll try online dating.

So I set up a profile on POF, grab some picture where I think I look nice. Threw in a couple from professional photoshoot. I get a huge number of messages. I would say on average I get about 10-20 a week, the problem is they all seem to be from women who are older than me and definitely not in my league looks wise. I am in great shape and really look after myself and these women clearly don't. The have the real great looking profile pic to lure you in, but then they are much much heavier if they even show their body.

Now, here's the thing. I rarely get responses from the women I message, I would message people where I will have read their profiles and make a good witty comment on something I see, you can see they have checked out your profile and they don't respond. Some people use it more as a way to pass the time rather than as an actual way of getting dates. I think in total I've been on one date from online dating and let's just say she didn't look like her photos.

The best way to meet people is to just put yourself out there. Join a meet up group and go out to it. People are not going to see what you are really like behind a computer screen. The only way it to meet them face to face. I get most of my dates just walking around shops and chatting to people I meet. If you have a repor ask them for a number.

Very interesting post kjl and great advice,thanks.I seemed to be getting a lot of profile views from older women.My profile picture seemed fine when I put it up.I wouldn't consider myself very attractive but in the past women have said that I have a beautiful face which is a huge compliment.I don't get arrogant about my apperance in fact I always had a low opinion of myself.

I've had opportunities in the past when I lived in Dublin to date girls but I never took them up on their offer.My close friends thought I was gay because I wasn't dating girls.I've always being interested in girls and find them very attractive but I'm just shy I guess.Maybe I'm too picky I don't know.

There's just something inside of me that stops me from approaching girls,like I'd never ask a girl for her phone number because I'd be terrified she'd reject me.I've never had rejection before so I don't know what it's like but I'll never know unless I take the chance and ask someone.

Again it was hard for years to get out and meet girls because I was looking after my mother full time and to be honest the girls I did see in the local psychiatric hospital weren't very attractive.Either they were too old or were married.

You're lucky to get 20 -30 messages per week,you must be a handsome guy.It is a shame I've had no luck so far with online dating but then I only gave it 3 - 4 days and got fed up,I got two replies in maybe 30 - 40 messages I sent out and to be honest it's just too much work.Like you said the girl on the profile might not be what she looks like in real life so you really are taking a chance.

I guess I'll just have to get out there and get socialising more and hopefully I'll meet interesting people.

Thanks.

kjl wrote: »

I think in total I've been on one date from online dating and let's just say she didn't look like her photos.

I found that amusing by the way :-)