Buying a home

ellejola14

Hi All,

I'm not sure If I'm in the right area to ask for this advice but here goes.
My BF decided he wanted to buy a house this year and so seen one he liked and put in an offer. He has been very fortunate in that he has lived at home all his life, worked from the age of 16, never had to pay any sort of living expenses and had a company car. He has therefore saved up quite a large amount of money and is able to put down a sizeable amount of money as a deposit.
He believes that we will get married in the future and this will be my house to.

Last night he got quite annoyed at the fact that I didn't have a whole lot in savings, roughly 10k but as I explained he knew I haven't been quite as fortunate as him in that I had to go away to university for 4 years and pay my way there. I also came out of college in the downturn in the economy and so work was scarce and the job I did mange to get didn't pay so well, I scrapped through for a few years until I managed to get a new job. In all that time I was paying high rents, car running cost, and living expenses.

I feel very guilty that I can only contribute a small amount to the mortgage deposit. He mentioned last night that he didn't want his parents thinking I wasn't paying my way enough which has made me feel even worse and very conscious about what they might be thinking of me. I have never depended on anyone in the past and always paid my own way. He also wants me to ask my parents for help but I know that they aren't in a position to do that just at the moment but I know they will gift money when they can.
I've said that I can pay a larger proportion of the mortgage once it starts as I am on a good wage now but its now that he needs the money in order the keep the interest rate down and pay a bigger deposit.

Has anyone been in a predicament where there has been unequal contributions to the mortgage?
Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

faceman

Did you both talk about this together, as a team, beforehand and set expectations?

Is it your bf buying the house or a joint purchase? (Who is taking out the mortgage?)

ellejola14

faceman wrote: »

Did you both talk about this together, as a team, beforehand and set expectations?

Is it your bf buying the house or a joint purchase? (Who is taking out the mortgage?)

Hi Faceman,

My BF went and viewed the house without me, I haven't even seen inside the house. I just know what it looks like from photos. He just went on and organised the mortgage without involving me in it. The house will be in his name.

I didn't really feel involved in it at all from the very start. He said it was just easier for him to go see If he could get a mortgage on his own first and see how much he could get.

drunkmonkey

Contribute nothing, he's done this completely off his own back and it's all in his name. What legal rights have you in all this?
Can see a few rows on the horizon your best have them now rather than bottle it up and it all blows up in a few years.
He shouldn't be having a go as your both not in the exact same financial position that's not really how serious relationships work or life in general.

Sorry edit:
The more I think about this the more nuts it is, time for you to lay down the law and make a contribution, "I really don't want to live in that house" should get the ball rolling.

CaraMay

I wouldn't get involved financially with the house at all. Is your name ever going to be on the deeds and mortgage? Why would you invest in a house you've never seen? On top of this, he went ahead without you - sounds like he wants a glorified flatmate or investor tbh. Most marriages fail over money and his attitude to money stinks. He sounds like a bully. Why would he tell his parents what you can contribute? Do they know what you earn as well?

Don't get tied down to this guy. His actions and words are a big red flag.

ellejola14

I wasn't asked to the solicitors or the bank so my name isn't on anything.
I don't think he's doing this for any other reason than trying to provide a home as he wants to get engaged asap, married and start a family.

I can't see my parent being happy about my name not being on anything. He knows that they helped out both my sisters when they got their house so that's why he's asked me to approach them to see If they could help out. I just cant help feeling very inadequate and I just want us to be a team. He works in an extremely good job and also has another side-line job which I devote a lot of time to in order to make it more profitable.

I want to contribute in any way I can but I'm just not in the position to offer a big lump sum at this time but this seems to really annoy him.

ManOfMystery

ellejola14 wrote: »

Hi Faceman,

My BF went and viewed the house without me, I haven't even seen inside the house. I just know what it looks like from photos. He just went on and organised the mortgage without involving me in it. The house will be in his name.

I didn't really feel involved in it at all from the very start. He said it was just easier for him to go see If he could get a mortgage on his own first and see how much he could get.

There are 2 major issues here that I can see.

First off, your boyfriend has decided (totally on his own) to buy a house. Good for him. What's not good is him making this decision without consulting you (but expecting that you'll be happy to live in said house down the line), viewing the house without including you, expecting to put the house entirely in his name .................. and then expecting you to make a large financial contribution to it. What planet is he on? I assume if he's expecting you to pay towards the deposit, he's also expecting you to pay towards the mortgage every month so why on Earth would it not be a joint mortgage, or have the house in both your names?

This forum is full of stories of failed relationships, even ones which people thought would never end. Should you and your boyfriend split up down the line (it may be unlikely in your opinion, but some good life advice is to never rule out any eventuality) ..... you will have absolutely zero claim on that house. And if you end up on bad terms, you're going to have one hell of a legal wrangle trying to reclaim that money or whatever portion of the house you feel you're entitled to.

The second issue is more to do with his attitude towards you. Most people in a relationship will include their partners in major decisions like this. I remember going to view places to rent for myself years ago, and I brought along my then gf (now wife) even though she wasn't going to be living there - because I valued her opinion. Your boyfriend doesn't seem to share this sentiment, and is also being very unfair and unreasonable by expecting you to contribute a larger share which you don't have. If I'm honest, he sounds like he's been spoilt a little by living at home and not having the expenses many of us have, and this has somewhat marred his perspective on things.

I think you really need to be more assertive here. You need to sit your boyfriend down and tell him that if he decides to go and make a large investment like this, it's not fair to expect you contribute financially when you were not involved in the decision in any way. And if he does expect you to contribute financially, then you need some legal claim to whatever it is you're investing in. Don't be swayed by promises of marriage and a comfortable life in the future - you would be far from the first person to lose money to a boyfriend promising them the world, no matter how honest his intentions are at this point in time.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

ellejola14

Thank you MANOFMYSTERY,

These are the points I wanted to make last night but somehow the words got stuck in my throat.
I was very sad at the time that he didn't ask me to come see the house and went ahead saying HE had put in an offer and that HE had been accepted for a mortgage. Everyone refers to it as his house, including me because I had never felt that I had a say.

I though the house was too expensive for what it was and I did say that at the time but he went ahead with it anyway. In order to keep the interest rate down he needed a big deposit which he has but now wants me to contribute as he has fallen short. I understand what he's trying to do but I think he took too much on. I was never asked to contribute until now.

SouthernBelle

sashafierce wrote: »

Please do not offer any money unless your name is on the house. Even the 10k you have. Nothing. Get your name on that mortgage before a cent goes to him.

Wise words. TBH OP your BF sounds very controlling.

mapaca

You haven't even seen the house! Don't give him a penny until your
name is on that mortgage too. His behaviour is a big red flag and his attitude stinks. What other big life decisions will he make off his own bat without consulting you?

You shouldn't be afraid to disagree with your partner or voice your opinions.

ManOfMystery

ellejola14 wrote: »

Thank you MANOFMYSTERY,

These are the points I wanted to make last night but somehow the words got stuck in my throat.
I was very sad at the time that he didn't ask me to come see the house and went ahead saying HE had put in an offer and that HE had been accepted for a mortgage. Everyone refers to it as his house, including me because I had never felt that I had a say.

I though the house was too expensive for what it was and I did say that at the time but he went ahead with it anyway. In order to keep the interest rate down he needed a big deposit which he has but now wants me to contribute as he has fallen short. I understand what he's trying to do but I think he took too much on. I was never asked to contribute until now.

Well with that in mind, I'd tell him he's on his own as far as the house purchase goes.

In fact, why not go the whole hog and tell him you need that 10k as you're also considering buying a house yourself down the line. That should send a clear message that you're capable of making your own decisions without involving him (just as he has done with you) and 2 can play his game.

PinkLemonade

Please take the advice of the posters here OP, DO NOT give him money, until your married or on the title you shouldn't help out any more than rent and bills, it's HIS house, not yours, he needs to buy it with HIS money

DaisyD2

ellejola14 wrote: »

Hi All,


My BF "decided" ..... he "wanted" to buy a house this year and so seen one he "liked" and (he) "put" in an offer.

He "believes" ..... that we will get married in the future and this will be my house to.

Last night "he got quite annoyed" ..... at the fact that I didn't have a whole lot in savings, roughly 10k

I feel very guilty ..... WHY? ..... that I can only contribute a small amount to the mortgage deposit.

He "mentioned"..... last night that he didn't want his parents ..... Mindgames!

He also wants me to ask my parents ...... Cheek! Step back and think about this for a second.

I've said that I can pay a larger proportion of the mortgage ........ DON'T you dare! Its not your house!

he "needs" the money in order the keep the interest rate down and pay a bigger deposit....... So Now he Needs you/r money! Tough.

Has anyone been in a predicament where there has been unequal contributions to the mortgage?
Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

My thoughts are if you wish to go down route of relationship, marriage & children with this Bully you need to go to counselling asap!

Honestly, you are in for a world of hurt here. Go to askaboutmoney.com and have a look through threads on people who thought they'd be together forever & the years & years of pain they have gone through to get people off mortgages & deeds when it all goes wrong and yet.... They were actually on deeds! & mortgages! They had Contracts!

He decided to buy
He went and viewed Alone
He went and organised mortgage Alone
He went to solicitors Alone
HE DID IT ALL ALONE

but now, because HE WANTS a lower interest rate hes bullying (& it is bullying & manipulative behaviour) you into not only forking over your €10,000 hard earned savings but demanding you go to parents and you are also offering higher payments to make up for imagined shortfall all for him to have total and complete ownership of what should be the biggest & happiest purchase A Couple should buy in their lifetimes ToGetHer!! Can you afford to burn money?

I personally know of at least 1 engaged woman who went down a similiar path. Her fiance viewed, organised, purchased house and at last minute needed her savings for deposit or would lose deal. They were in late planning stages for wedding & nobody thought twice about it.

Once he had house the excuses started - he wanted to fix house up before she moved in (like you she was paying though)/ relationship was moving too fast/ they should wait til after wedding despite all their joint savings going into house in his sole name.

They broke up within a year & she had no comeback, it broke her. She was a shell of herself for a couple of years. She eventually got her happy ending (married to lovely man now with 3kids) but it was a horrible stunt to pull on his part.

Do not be a (financial) fool! Before you contribute a penny get your name on the deeds & mortgage!

Otherwise go out back garden right now and burn your money

dori_dormer

Do not give him the money! The bank will ask where it came from, and just like a gift from parents you'll have to write a letter to say you have no financial I terest in the house. I mean he could break up with you tomorrow and you'd have lost all your savings!

My sister and her now fiancé bought a house a few years ago, she had a deposit, but he earned more than her. They hammered out some deal with the solicitor about percentage ownership if they sold. They both contribute the same amount to the mortgage.
Even if you don't invest any money to purchase, if you move in and contribute to paint, flooring, cooker etc over the years, you are entitled under the co habiting laws to a potion of the house or 'family home'

It's all very tricky. I wouldn't get involved.

Apart from legal / financial stuff - form your posts he doesn't seem to see you as a partner, or that your opinion or abilities are worth much. He seems a little obsessive regards money and where he wants to be in life, and is trying to guilt you into making his fantasy come true. I would be having serious thoughts on where your relationship really is as I would advise against marrying someone who thought so little of you.

LegacyUser

Op buying a house is one of the biggest purchases a couple will make. The fact that he has done this alone without even consulting you speaks volumes. Its not your house its his house yet he wants you to contribute to the deposit but not have your names on the deeds !!
Yeah you should be wary about handing 10k over. The cheek of him to also suggest you ask your parents as well. He is talking about marriage and kids but has he even asked you yet? Another red flag is the fact he is still living at home which makes me wonder what he will be like when he moves out? Is he expecting you to move to look after him?

CaraMay

So he only wants you involved when he's short for the deposit? That's the cold hard reality of it all op. Why are you with someone who makes you feel inadequate over 'only having 10k' in savings.

You are too passive. Why are you just following along here like a sheep? He only wants you involved for the €€€€. Is that not clear to you?

Btw if you do move in it will never be your house. You will always be the guest.

woodchuck

This is absolute MADNESS. Do NOT contribute anything to a deposit on a house that is not in your name and that you haven't even seen!!!

I was in a situation before where I regularly contributed to the maintenance and upkeep of an exs house. His justification was that I'd benefit from it down the line when we were married. We never got married and I was left out of pocket. Never ever again. I learned my lesson the hard way, I hope you don't have to.

nikkibikki

Don't part with one red cent of your hard earned savings!!! He's basically using you for your 10k and whatever else he thinks you should ask your parents for. This was not a joint decision, therefore it should not be a joint purchase. Tell him this. He may not realise how unreasonable this all is. Write it down for him if you can't say the words.

BTW 10k is a huge amount of savings! Sounds like he has been molly coddled all his life.

Please also seriously consider the future of this relationship OP. I would be quite hurt by these actions and not sure if i'd want to spend the rest of my life and start a family with that person. If you enter into this financially with him, it will be extremely difficult to undo and get out of. And your savings will also be gone.

PinkLemonade

If you wanted to be diplomatic about it; you could tell him that you need to get a solicitor involved to ensure your interests are met and you'll need to look at the house etc. before you could consider contributing to the deposit (yours or your parents)

Rock77

Hi OP,
Please don't give him the money, this is not how it's supposed to work. Here's my situation.

Im married with two children, trying to save a deposit for a house, my wife can't work anymore because childcare cost's too much and I don't have a well paying job.

All the money is our money though, not mine and when WE save enough WE will pick a house and WE will go view it.

Then both of us will get a mortgage.
I am so looking forward to owning our own home together so that both of us have some security and piece of mind.

Has your bf ever mentioned your feelings in all this. Sounds like he's sorting out HIS future.

mapaca

You might as well go out and hand your 10k to a stranger on the street for them to buy a house with, that's how much right you would have to your boyfriend's house if you go along with this plan. Don't be pressured into it.

Emme

PinkLemonade wrote: »

If you wanted to be diplomatic about it; you could tell him that you need to get a solicitor involved to ensure your interests are met and you'll need to look at the house etc. before you could consider contributing to the deposit (yours or your parents)

I agree with most of the posters and with this in particular. Getting a solicitor involved from your end shows you are not willing to be pushed around. You might even say that your parents suggested getting a solicitor to see where you and they stand when you mentioned getting financial help from them.

Do not part with one cent of your money unless you have a signed solicitor's agreement that any contribution you and your family makes will be refunded in full if the relationship breaks up.

If I were you I would be asking myself very strongly if this relationship has a future. He is showing very little respect to you and your family and are treating you all as some sort of ATM.

You saved that 10K on your own after educating yourself and supporting yourself. If he lived at home rent free or paying a minimal rent it would have been very easy for him to save even if he didn't have a company car.

Finally, put that 10K towards saving for a place of your own. You may not want financial help for your parents but if they were making a contribution it would be better going towards a place solely in your name than towards a place in your boyfriend's name. You're not even engaged and he's asking for money - unbelievable! :eek:

ellejola14

Thank-you very body for your replies, I know In my heart of hearts you are all correct in saying I shouldn't hand over anything unless I'm on the deeds or named somewhere in the process. I just find it extremely hard to say no and I fear he may hold it against me and cause major issues. I am willing to pay my way once we are married and I suggested that I pay the lions share of the mortgage for the first while to try and catch up on what he has already paid as a deposit.

I won't be living in the house once he gets the keys in a few weeks because we wanted to be married before moving in together. I rent not that far away and will continue to do so but now he feels that he wont be able to buy a ring for me If he completely clears himself out and puts all he has into the deposit and then that will delay getting married.

I feel totally at a loss today, hardly slept a wink worrying about what I should do or say.
I don't want to have a massive argument. I hated being put on the spot last night and questions as to why I don't have more in savings.
If I hand over my 10k, that leaves me back at square 1 with nothing and having to build it all back up again and I don't want to get back to that.
He thinks his parents will question as to why I'm not investing and why is he having to pay for everything, and therefore may be seen as a freeloader.

OP this behaviour from your boyfriend is not normal in a healthy relationship and neither is your passive reaction to it. You should be absolutely fuming that he thinks it's acceptable to make a major life decision like this without even consulting you, but instead you're here worrying about not being able to contribute enough to something that's not even yours? I'd echo the advice of the previous poster who suggested counselling. I don't mean to be harsh but I think you need a reality check, your boyfriend is manipulative, controlling and selfish, and you are behaving like a doormat. Please work on your self esteem and walk away from this situation. A real relationship is an equal partnership based on love and respect, not this.

Ellie2008

My two cents OP I'm in the opposite position to you in that I want to buy a house and I'm the one with the big deposit.

We are looking at houses, he has been to all the viewings with me, we've applied for joint mortgages & it will definitely be both our names on the deeds as we are both paying the mortgage. The only difference is that I will be asking the solicitor to ensure that there is an agreement in place that if we split up & have to sell I get a bigger percentage of the proceeds to reflect the fact that I paid nearly all of the deposit. Could your boyfriend not do that?

More importantly do you want to marry a man who would make such a big decision without reference to you? So you don't get to see where you have to live? Ask yourself the tough questions does the man love & respect you for you or does he have a life plan to have kids etc and he needs you to ticks those boxes but your needs and wants aren't important?

ManOfMystery

ellejola14 wrote: »

Thank-you very body for your replies, I know In my heart of hearts you are all correct in saying I shouldn't hand over anything unless I'm on the deeds or named somewhere in the process. I just find it extremely hard to say no and I fear he may hold it against me and cause major issues.

You may find it even harder trying to save €10,000 again if your money suddenly disappears, along with any promises your partner makes. The thought of saying no is hard; when you actually do it, you may find it empowering to have some control of your own life and money.

I won't be living in the house once he gets the keys in a few weeks because we wanted to be married before moving in together. I rent not that far away and will continue to do so but now he feels that he wont be able to buy a ring for me If he completely clears himself out and puts all he has into the deposit and then that will delay getting married.

Emotional manipulation.

I don't want to have a massive argument. I hated being put on the spot last night and questions as to why I don't have more in savings.

You were only put on the spot because you allowed yourself to be.

Be assertive. If asked why you 'only' have 10k in savings, you can simply state back - "it is what it is, and how much I save is entirely up to myself". Don't feel you owe him any explanation or 'apology'. You've done well to save €10k, as has been said by many here. His perspective - that you should have saved more - is a perspective unlikely to be shared by many, and fuelled by his greed.

The only possible scenario here in which you would owe him any explanation/apology is if you had a joint savings account and you had squandered money in it. Which isn't the case.

If I hand over my 10k, that leaves me back at square 1 with nothing and having to build it all back up again and I don't want to get back to that.
He thinks his parents will question as to why I'm not investing and why is he having to pay for everything, and therefore may be seen as a freeloader.

Let his parents think what they want, and let him deal with whatever worries he has about their views. The ironic reality here is that he is trying to freeload off YOU. By all accounts, you will be giving him money for nothing but thin air and promises of a future which may or may not materialise.

I can't stress enough : assert yourself. It's alright to feel pissed off here, and alright to feel annoyed. In fact, getting a bit angry about this might be what you need to do. At the moment, you're coming across as almost apologetic whilst the rest of us are astounded that your boyfriend is treating you as a soft touch.

DaisyD2

ellejola14 wrote: »

I know In my heart of hearts you are all correct in saying I shouldn't hand over anything unless I'm on the deeds or named somewhere in the process.

BUT ->

I just find it extremely hard to say no and I fear he may hold it against me and cause major issues.

I am willing to pay my way once we are married and I suggested that I pay the lions share of the mortgage for the first while to try and catch up on what he has already paid as a deposit.

I won't be living in the house once he gets the keys in a few weeks because we wanted to be married before moving in together.

I don't want to have a massive argument.

I hated being put on the spot last night and questions as to why I don't have more in savings.

If I hand over my 10k, that leaves me back at square 1 with nothing and having to build it all back up again and I don't want to get back to that.

He thinks his parents will question as to why I'm not investing and why is he having to pay for everything, and therefore may be seen as a freeloader.

You are not taking on board anything that has been said in thread so far and I don't mean that harshly op.

My reading of your posts so far are you are afraid to upset him in case it all goes away & he doesn't propose & you don't live happily ever after!

You are being manipulated. He knows exactly where your buttons are - "my parents think your a freeloader" but his parents are calling it His house! Believe me if you contribute without your name being on mortgage & deeds they will circle the wagons round Their Son & His House very quickly.

He has done all this behind your back & without taking you or your opinion on board.

These are not the actions of a loving partner. You need to find your voice.

jon1981

OP, difficult as it is , you need to be objective and try and take a step back and look at the situation in front of you. You are clearly being manipulated and being controlled, is this the way its to be for all future decisions?! He is painting a proposed negative view of you to get his way by telling you how bad it will look to his parents when the fact of the matter is, well bluntly, his behaviour is appalling!!

Do not put a damn penny into this house. Face up to this argument that you MUST have with him. When myself and partner bought a house we wrote into a legal agreement what each person was contributing to the deposit so that in the event of a breakup or sale we would each be owed x and y. The difference with us though, the house purchase was a MUTUAL decision, Not a forced manipulation.

OP , you're looking for advice here and it's pretty overwhelmingly in favour of not giving him a Penny...a precedent will be set here if you bend over to his demands here.

NiallBoo

You might not like thinking the worst but...

Divorce in this country doesn't work like you see on tv. You're not automatically entitled to anything your name isn't on, let alone 50%.

You shouldn't enter into anything unless your name is going to be on the paperwork - no matter how well things are going.

That aside, it sounds like you need to sit down and really ask yourself "Is this what I want? "

stargazer 68

OP I have to agree with the advice being given here. Your boyfriend is perfectly entitled to buy a house on his own and fair play to him for being able to do it. However to then want you to contribute to it and not have any say in the process or the fact that you aren't even going to live in it until, if and when you get married!! Absolutely ludicrous. Its time to put your big girl pants on now OP!

silverharp

His attitude seem off and its not your job to finance his project. Either you buy it jointly if its what you want to do and work out how you treat his larger contribution and what happens if you were to break up or have to sell etc.
Or you let him do his thing and if you want to move in with him agree to pay a contribution in a way that allows you to save.
At a later stage you can always pay a lump sum off the mortgage if you end up getting married . he could still be a good guy overall but he is being presumptuous to say the least.

Ellie2008

The bit I've read that annoys me the most is give me the €10k and more from your parents or the proposal will be delayed. He wants your money & worse your parents money for HIS house, his deeds, his mortgage, his place to live by himself! & yet his parents are supposedly worried that you are somehow getting a free ride from their little darling.

You are worth more then this OP do you want those people as your in laws with their attitude towards you not to mind his. If you were demanding that he buy a house for you both with his money things would be very different and perhaps then his parents would have cause to be worried.

Whilst I think you should dump him immediately and not look back should you choose not to do so you give him nothing until you have two rings on your finger, your name on the deeds & are living in that house.

If you want to build a life with someone that respects you so little that is your choice to make, if you were my little sister Id lock you up until you came to your senses.

Typer Monkey

Also am I reading it right that you suggested that you pay most of the mortgage on HIS house while also renting elsewhere? You are being taken for a mug OP. Why are you putting off moving in together until you get married?

miezekatze

I wouldn't give him any money. He decided everything without discussing things with you, it's basically his house. It will be different I think once you're married and living together, but until then I wouldn't get involved at all.

Myself and my OH bought a house together and I contributed a lot more money than he did. That was never an issue though, and your bf shouldn't make an issue of this either. People's circumstances can be very different, as you have pointed out. You should be a team in this, no point trying to split everything 50-50.

CaraMay

ellejola14 wrote: »

I am willing to pay my way once we are married and I suggested that I pay the lions share of the mortgage for the first while to try and catch up on what he has already paid as a deposit.

Why would that be necessary? Your bills should be in proportion to your disposable income.

ellejola14 wrote: »

I won't be living in the house once he gets the keys in a few weeks because we wanted to be married before moving in together..

Op I guaranteed you, looking in from the outside, that you will never be living in that house.

ellejola14 wrote: »

he feels that he wont be able to buy a ring for me If he completely clears himself out and puts all he has into the deposit and then that will delay getting married. .

So effectively you are paying for an engagement ring? You give him your cash so he can use his cash to buy a ring. Why not buy your own ring and let him invest his own money in his own asset? That way you each have an asset.

ellejola14 wrote: »

I hated being put on the spot last night and questions as to why I don't have more in savings.

Because you paid your way through college and rent a house. Nothing to be embarrassed about.

He has a NECK!!!

ellejola14 wrote: »

If I hand over my 10k, that leaves me back at square 1 with nothing and having to build it all back up again and I don't want to get back to that.

Exactly so don't.

ellejola14 wrote: »

He thinks his parents will question as to why I'm not investing and why is he having to pay for everything, and therefore may be seen as a freeloader.

Who will be telling them? More blatant emotional blackmail. Do you really care what they think?

OP time to woman up and stand up for yourself. This guy is not a good catch.

drunkmonkey

This really reads like your disposal to him Ella, don't be guilted into anything.
You won't be living in the house until your engaged/married, is this guy for real, there's very few men in this country that wouldn't let their loving squeeze move in, unless their ultra religious or something like that.
I really think you need to sit down with your mum or dad and tell them what you've told us and take their advice.
It may be time to jump ship, it doesn't sound like this will end well unless he gets a bit of reality and treats you as greather than or equal to him.

Ellie2008

Typer Monkey wrote: »

Also am I reading it right that you suggested that you pay most of the mortgage on HIS house while also renting elsewhere? You are being taken for a mug OP. Why are you putting off moving in together until you get married?

OP just in case you were thinking about doing this DO NOT, mother of sweet!! This just makes me feel so angry & I feel the need to protect you as I don't think your doing a great job of it and I'm not saying that to be mean. You have frankly nothing no legal rights whatsoever to that house, I'd like to see you try and establish claim to a house in a court where your name isn't on the deeds or the mortgage and you're not living in it nor do you have any relationship at law to the person who is. You might perhaps succeed under equity but the whole thing would cost you in legal fees. You give him nothing until you get two rings and your name on the deeds.

ellejola14

I'm overwhelmed by all your response and support in that I should stand up for myself and just let him know exactly how I'm feeling.

I am a passive person and I was hurt when he wet ahead viewing houses and deciding on one himself and organising everything. I never said anything at the time because I didn't want to look like I was trying to push in on it. Looking back as his GF I should of been more assertive and asked what the deal was and why did he see fit not to involve me or even ask me my thoughts or opinion.
Also because his brother divorced and went through a very messy divorce regarding their house, I was cautious of his parents thoughts of another son making the big move to getting a house with me. So because I wasn't asked my opinion, I didn't feel I had the right to ask questions because the house felt like it was nothing to do with me.
I guess I'm somewhat at fault here to because I should of been more assertive. He's definitely not a bad boyfriend in any other way and has always been very good to me. I don't know how this has ended how it has, I think he was initially trying to just sort the house himself and now he's just a bit stuck and asking me If I can help him out.

But as others have mentioned, I'm not even his Fiancé, just a GF and at the end of the day he could break up with me tomorrow. (even though he says we're forever)

I do trust him and I know his intentions are always good but this has all made me feel very uneasy and I don't want to ask my parents for help as there's nothing there in writing to say that this house will ever be mine.

Emme

ellejola14 wrote: »

Thank-you very body for your replies, I know In my heart of hearts you are all correct in saying I shouldn't hand over anything unless I'm on the deeds or named somewhere in the process. I just find it extremely hard to say no and I fear he may hold it against me and cause major issues. I am willing to pay my way once we are married and I suggested that I pay the lions share of the mortgage for the first while to try and catch up on what he has already paid as a deposit.

He knows you find it hard to say no and he's taking advantage of that.

The word "fear" stands out here. You should not feel fear this early on in a relationship. This does not seem like a good relationship to me.

ellejola14 wrote: »

I won't be living in the house once he gets the keys in a few weeks because we wanted to be married before moving in together. I rent not that far away and will continue to do so but now he feels that he wont be able to buy a ring for me If he completely clears himself out and puts all he has into the deposit and then that will delay getting married.

You are not even engaged. How long will you be putting your money into the house before you are married and can move in? One year? Two years? Five years? He could delay the marriage indefinitely. If you put your savings and the lion's share of the mortgage into that house without any legal backup you can say goodbye to the money.

ellejola14 wrote: »

I feel totally at a loss today, hardly slept a wink worrying about what I should do or say.

You may feel totally at a loss now but if you put money in your boyfriend's house you will lose everything you worked for.

ellejola14 wrote: »

I don't want to have a massive argument. I hated being put on the spot last night and questions as to why I don't have more in savings. If I hand over my 10k, that leaves me back at square 1 with nothing and having to build it all back up again and I don't want to get back to that.

Tell him you don't have more in savings because you paid for your education. You also lived away from home, paid for rent and running a car. He did none of those things. How much would he have in savings if he had to do the same?

ellejola14 wrote: »

He thinks his parents will question as to why I'm not investing and why is he having to pay for everything, and therefore may be seen as a freeloader.

What his parents think is of no importance. Even if they do think you are a freeloader that is their problem. You are not. You have put yourself through university and you have supported yourself and saved some money.

If anything he is the freeloader. He has lived in his parents house while saving for his house. He is looking for your hard-earned savings, complaining that there isn't more and is looking for money from your parents. Definitely a freeloader.

He also bought the house without consulting you. Please OP do not hand over your money to this man. I would strongly advise you to end the relationship and find someone who is willing to meet you half-way. This man is not.

I would advise you to check out Women's Aid website www.womensaid.ie and read the section on emotional abuse and financial abuse. Here are some quotes from the website below.

"Emotional abuse is a highly effective means of establishing a power imbalance within a relationship. It is often unseen or intangible to those outside the relationship. Emotional abuse is as harmful as physical violence."

"Financial abuse is a means of domestic abuse in which the abuser uses money as a means of controlling his partner. It is a tactic that an abuser uses to gain power and dominance over his partner and is designed to isolate a woman into complete financial dependence."

Ellie2008

ellejola14 wrote: »

I'm overwhelmed by all your response and support in that I should stand up for myself and just let him know exactly how I'm feeling.

I am a passive person and I was hurt when he wet ahead viewing houses and deciding on one himself and organising everything. I never said anything at the time because I didn't want to look like I was trying to push in on it. Looking back as his GF I should of been more assertive and asked what the deal was and why did he see fit not to involve me or even ask me my thoughts or opinion.
Also because his brother divorced and went through a very messy divorce regarding their house, I was cautious of his parents thoughts of another son making the big move to getting a house with me. So because I wasn't asked my opinion, I didn't feel I had the right to ask questions because the house felt like it was nothing to do with me.
I guess I'm somewhat at fault here to because I should of been more assertive. He's definitely not a bad boyfriend in any other way and has always been very good to me. I don't know how this has ended how it has, I think he was initially trying to just sort the house himself and now he's just a bit stuck and asking me If I can help him out.

But as others have mentioned, I'm not even his Fiancé, just a GF and at the end of the day he could break up with me tomorrow. (even though he says we're forever)

I do trust him and I know his intentions are always good but this has all made me feel very uneasy and I don't want to ask my parents for help as there's nothing there in writing to say that this house will ever be mine.

You should be asking your parents for help but certainly not for him, you should be asking for their advice as to what you should do about this relationship. You sound like a very sweet person and I worry that you are being taken advantage of. It is not your fault that he didn't stand up for yourself soon it's his that he put you in a position that you have to.

He didn't just ask you to help him out, you kind of say that like he asked you to pick up milk. He went ahead without consulting you & decided to buy a house, in his name only and then asked you to contribute to a house you haven't even seen not to mind picked, in a situation where the house is in his name & you have no rights whatsoever to the house, he went further and asked you to ask your parents to contribute to a house in his sole name. The standard procedure would be that the mortgage bank would expect a letter from your parents waiving all rights to the house so that's potentially your parents money down the drain. By far far the worst thing was that he said that if you didn't play ball there d be a delay getting the ring, and worst implied or pretty much said that his parents are worried you're a freeloader.!!!! I mean please OP even if is the first issue you've ever had it's a big one don't you think.

You are being too sensitive about the brothers divorce, even if his wife was a thorough gold digger it's a separate issue you are not the one asking him for money for a house in your name that he doesn't live it.

Please OP don't give a penny.

emz8

I was in somewhat the same situation. My boyfriend was buying the house. He had the money, I had nothing pretty much nothing.

Difference is he included me in everything. In fact he pretty much let me lead the way in the house hunting.

He pays a larger part of the mortgage and it's only his name on the deeds, but he has never once made me feel like it's his house.

Your boyfriends attitude is worrying.

Stheno

OP, how long are you and your boyfriend together?

Most things have been pretty much covered here by other posters and they are all dead right. This situation is madness and you would be stark raving mad to go along with his demands and allow yourself to be manipulated by this guy. Relationships should not be like this.
But I wanted to expand a little on the first thing he did, which was view and choose a house he is 'claiming' will eventually be a home to both of you, by himself.
My partner and I are in the latter stages of buying a house. When we first decided it was time to do this we sat down TOGETHER and had a long and honest conversation about things that were important to us in a home. For example we both wanted a house in the country but not too far from the town. Himself wanted a large open plan kitchen/diner/living and I wanted a very large garden. We came up with some things were absolute deal breakers.. If it doesn't have such and such I'm not interested and eventually we knew exactly what we were looking for to make BOTH of us happy. After all we're planning to spend the rest of our lives there. I cannot even imagine how angry I would have been if he had gone ahead without me and chose our home alone. I can't even begin to comprehend it because he would never dream of doing that. In a real partnership you just don't think/act that way.
This alone, nevermind trying to emotional blackmail you into handing over your hard earned money for essentially nothing, is a massive alarm bell. For the love of god listen to it.

Toto Wolfcastle

Don't give him anything. His attitude is horrendous. If he really wanted to get married not being able to afford a ring wouldn't stop him asking you.

Above all else, do not drag your parents into the sorry mess.

beertons

Tell him you don't like the house and pay him nothing.

Ellie2008

Toto Wolfcastle wrote: »

Don't give him anything. His attitude is horrendous. If he really wanted to get married not being able to afford a ring wouldn't stop him asking you.

Above all else, do not drag your parents into the sorry mess.

Is your boyfriend not even worried what your parents might think of you asking for money at his request, for a house which is in his sole name? I am not implying at all that you are a dishonest person but I'd hope you would be very clear with your parents that the house is in his sole name & wouldn't hide this fact so he wouldn't look bad. Surely if he wants to marry you he wants to stay in with the in-laws?

There is absolutely no way you should consider making mortgage repayments to make it up to him re the deposit on a house in his sole name.

pookie82

Tell him you're hanging on to your own 10k in savings in case you lose your job and need them to cover rent. RENT you'll still be paying while he lives in HIS house (until you're married, of course...).

It really sticks in my neck that he'd make you feel inadequate at *only* having 10k in savings when you haven't had the circumstantial luck he has in living with Mammy all his life.

If he would like a handout from your parents, tell him to set up a meeting with them and by all means call over and ask them himself to help him out with a house he's not yet allowing their daughter to live in.

I'd imagine that should sort it.

LegacyUser

Op your responses get more worrying, so you are not going to live with him until you both get married and you are going to contribute towards the mortgage !!!!!!

I mean do you not realise how ridiculous that sounds. He is talking about marriage and future but yet he hasn't even proposed to you.

You need wisen up maybe have a chat with your folks because he is clearly pulling the wool over your eyes. Its always good to live with somebody before you marry them at least that way you find out things like what their personal hygiene is like, can they cook, clean, do things for themselves without being asked to do it.

kylith

"He thinks his parents will question as to why I'm not investing and why is he having to pay for everything, and therefore may be seen as a freeloader."

Tell him to tell his parents that you haven't contributed anything because it's not your house.
You didn't decide to buy a house.
You didn't pick out a house.
You didn't get a mortgage.
You won't be living there in the foreseeable future.

He didn't ask you to help him out: he asked you for every penny you have, and money from your parents, in return for... a promise. Not even a promise because he hasn't proposed yet. I really hope that these larger mortgage contributions your talking about will commence AFTER you move in!

Tell him you're not bothered about getting a ring.

Tell him that certainly he can have the 10k, just as soon as your name is on the deed or he has signed a contract for a loan.

Tell him to cop himself on.

Tell him to sling his hook.

woodchuck

So you're not evening going to be LIVING in the house you're expected to pay 10K towards?!

OP I have to say, from all your posts your boyfriend sounds very controlling, manipulative and selfish. You mentioned being afraid of him in one of your posts. You should not be made afraid of having these kinds of conversations! Please do not give away your life savings over this.

Can you really see a long-term future in which you are genuinely HAPPY with this person?