Mother in Law driving me mad

LegacyUser

Hi all

My mother in Law lives very close to us and she is constantly calling around. Every evening she calls in about 5 mins after i arrive home from work. She doesnt want anything just feels the need to call in and comment on how tired i look. I feel like snapping at her!!! I leave for work at 6am and get home at 7pm (i have a long commute) so of course im bloody tired!!!!!

She then calls around again at about 8.30 commenting about why we have done this in the house and why we havent done that in the house.

Weekends are meant to be something to look forward to but instead i dread them! She arrives at the house without fail at 9am and stays for most of the day. Both Saturday and Sunday. Then continues to tell us where we are going wrong with the house. Constantly telling us we are taking to much time to get the house finished. (we bought our house in January) We have been doing the best we can with the house as we both work very long hours and we are just doing the house up room by room as we have the money available. She doesnt seam to understand money doesnt grow on trees for us!!!

Im sick of her to be honest and my Husband never says anything to her. He will agree with me that she is way over stepping the mark but wont open his mouth to her. Its causing nothing but rows between us, I feel he isnt supporting me and isnt even trying to understand my frustration. My own Mother is the same distance away as my Mother in Law and she only calls over once maybe twice a week. My mother always calls or texts to see if its ok to call over as she knows and understands we need our space. Even when my mother does call over she never criticises the house or our decisions.

Im sitting in work dreading the thought of going home. Im actually contemplating booking into a hotel for the night. My husband had a rare day off today and he just text me to say his mother is there and she wants to know whats for dinner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im close to losing it. I know the frustration in me is just growing and i dont know how much more i can take of this!

Please someone tell me there is a way out of this before i completley lose it!!!

Merkin

That is absolutely preposterous. Your husband seriously needs to have a word and you also need to shake up your routine. Go out for a meal or go over to friends or have your own friends round do she can't intrude. She needs to be stopped in her tracks, she clearly has no boundaries!

Sound Bite

That sounds intense. Your husband needs to speak to his mother and lay down the law here.

Show him your post if you haven't already explained the stress this is causing you. He needs to realise his marriage is at risk.

LegacyUser

Jeezus christ op thats nuts !!! I'm not surprised you are tearing your hair out, that is waaaay too intense. Is she a widow or something and just very lonely? I can't believe she comes over all weekend and stays with you!!

Sunny Dayz

If she's giving out to ye about not doing more with the house, hand her a paintbrush some weekend when she calls over at 9am and she won't be long about disappearing!!
Do you not make plans at the weekend to meet friends, go cinema, go for a meal, that kinda thing? If she hangs around at the weekend, does she sit around while you do chores etc? Does she get fed in your house?
Is your father-in-law still alive (or are they still together). Is there any other family around? It may be loneliness on her part, though not excusing the sheer amount of time she spends there.

heretochat

My first reaction was - why doesn't your husband tell her what is for dinner - he is the one at home after all.

Outside that yes your mother in law is way too involved in your life and your husband needs to be told to stand up to her.

Failing that I would cease to be around when she is there and let him explain the reasons why

Leo12

Book into a hotel for the night. Have a good rest and tell your husband that he's just not listening to you. Your marriage is in serious trouble and he needs to support you.

annoyedgal

Just to say you poor thing, I'm stressed out just reading that post! I'd sit your husband down and tell him in no uncertain terms that your at breaking point and ready to walk.
Decide together on some boundaries for visits and have him communicate this to his mother. Once or twice a week would be more than enough on my opinion!

CaraMay

Ok she is a dose but what's wrong with your husband that he's letting this happen? I blame him in full as he's allowing it happen. Stay in a hotel and tell your husband to sort it out or you will stay in the hotel til he does.

LegacyUser

But MIL has noticed& comments on how tired you look? Instead of glossing over this observation, capitalise on it- "Yes, actually, I'm wrecked, I've been on the go the last 12 hours, I could really do with a power nap". And go have your power nap!
Re the house, explain that you have neither the time nor the energy, because you're either working or travelling or entertaining visitors (ie: her), that if you had a few days to gather your thoughts, you're sure you could get started on things.
In all instances, lay the blame at your own door (I'm tired, I need sleep, ect), so that she either gives you space or offers help, but can't take offence at being slighted herself

osarusan

OP, I'd try to avoid doing something like booking yourself into a hotel or going home and telling her to get out.

Get through it tonight, and (re)tell your husband very clearly how this makes you feel, and that he needs to do something about it or you will start absenting yourself when his mother is there.

She should know better (what the hell is going through her mind that she thinks she's not over the top) and her son should be telling her when she doesn't know better.

eviltwin

This is not normal on any level. It's actually quite unhealthy and unsettling that your husband just allows it to continue. It's like having a third person in the marriage. When do you ever get any alone time?

I agree with the hotel idea, show your husband you are serious. He needs to set boundaries but you need to have a talk with him about just how much damage this relationship is doing your marriage.

Has their relationship always been like this?

Calypso Realm

I'd *seriously* consider moving. Doesn't sound as if your husband will ever want to confront this and I'm concerned her extremely selfish, inconsiderate behaviour is causing rows between you two.

DukeOfTheSharp

That sounds like a nightmare. A hotel is the best bet to make your husband aware of how you're feeling, but you're going to have to sit him down and tell him that you're done dealing with this nonsense. He needs to visit his mother and tell her that her attitude and visits aren't just unacceptable, it's immature. She needs to stop, that's just it. If she wants to visit, she calls ahead. If she makes a comment about the house, she leaves. Set up boundaries and make him aware this is you're last warning to him, because you've seemingly said it enough times to him and she's his mother, not yours.

haveringchick

Leo12 wrote: »

Book into a hotel for the night. Have a good rest and tell your husband that he's just not listening to you. Your marriage is in serious trouble and he needs to support you.

I would agree that your marriage is in serious trouble
You had to know what she was like before you got married, and that your husband was as weak as water when it came to her
Then, not alone did you marry him before straightening things out, you went right ahead and bought a house within walking distance of her
Really? What did you think was going to happen?
Wait till you have a baby! She will drive you insane
Cop on. This is your husbands responsibility
Tell him tonight that you are deeply deeply unhappy and that he has to sort this out right now
Why if he's at home and your at work are you responsible for dinner?!?
C'mon woman . Stand up for yourself

se conman

With a MiL like this, subtlities don't work.
You either have to be cruel (you will end up the bad guy) or you turn it into FUN.

Saturday morning around 8.55 get down to some business in the bedroom (if husband is a man he won't be able to refuse)
The louder the better. Keep a listen out for her.
When you are sure she is in the house and has had an earful, then send your husband downstairs for something.
Shame and embarrass the 2 of them into having some boundaries (and have some fun doing it)
Leave your clothes (and most importantly underwear) scattered in the hall and on the stairs for her to find.
It might work but more importantly it will make you feel so satisfied just messing with her head.

Devilment is the best cure for stress.

PressRun

Does your mother-in-law have any hobbies? Does she have friends of her own? It sounds like she's in need of a purpose in her own life or some company. Your husband needs to talk to her and straighten out boundaries and perhaps start looking into guiding her towards having her own life. It sounds like she has become rather dependent on you both.

Your husband really needs to support you in this though and if you feel like you're not being listened to or he's not making an effort to sort this out, then go and stay in a hotel and let him know that you're tired of all this and it needs to be straightened out right away. I wouldn't continue to live with this ridiculousness until some meaningful steps were made to create a better living situation for all of you. You're in a marriage with your husband, not your husband and his mother.

pookie82

Close to breaking point wrote: »

Im sitting in work dreading the thought of going home. Im actually contemplating booking into a hotel for the night. My husband had a rare day off today and he just text me to say his mother is there and she wants to know whats for dinner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I sincerely hope that you did this, and texted your husband to say you literally cannot take any more of that women. You married HIM, not her.

This is typical of Irish Mammy's boys, they might know their mothers are overbearing but few are willing to speak up about it.

On paper of course she needs to be told where to go, but very often these matters are more delicate than black and white and you want to do it without falling out completely.

For that reason you need to get your husband to deal with this. If he won't listen with words, get yourself a take away on your way home from work and lock yourself in the bedroom with a laptop until she stops. Stop cooking for her, sitting with her, or entertaining her. SHOW him how at the end of your rope you are - cry, scream, threaten the solidity of the marriage if you have to.

You mention that you only bought at the start of the year - tell him you want to sell up and move over this, as little financial and practical sense as that would make. Show him how desperate you are to get your own space.

kylith

I'd be inclined to put her to work. When she comes in in the evening be exhausted and need a nap, then hand her the veg peeler and tell her to get dinner started. Then at the weekend get down to some loud business with your husband so she can hear it as she arrives. Or have your mum call round at the same time and talk about her 'friend' who has a problem with someone calling in every day, or just to be a good role model 'Oh, I always call before coming round. Sure Mary and Jim have better things to be doing after a full day in work than entertaining me.'

She does sound like she's doing it out of loneliness, but nothing will change if your husband doesn't tell her to cop herself on.

LegacyUser

Check into a hotel, try to have sex and throw your underwear around the house when she's there, make her cook your dinner, hit her with a big inflatable hammer...

Try just talking to her, woman to woman. "Mary, me and Bob are finding we're having trouble getting time at be together since we've moved in. We're both working flat out and trying to get the house sorted and everything and we don't get much time to just relax and have quality time together just the two of us. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, it's great that we get on so well together, and I like having you over, but would you be able keep in mind that we need to make time for just the two of us in the evenings, and with our time off? Thanks, it'd mean a lot."

intheclouds

Next time she calls, say "Mother in law - come in I need to speak to you. In the future will you call or text before coming over as we have been polite over you dropping in unannounced on a daily basis for far too long. I realise this is a change in your norm but it is stressful for me to constantly have to entertain a third person in the house. On top of that it robs the time I need to get things done and relax after being in work all day. I love to see you and youre great, but we need to limit the visits to once or twice a week and be given notice of same. Now, Ive got things to get on with so Ill see you out and maybe give us a call in a few days time?"

If your husband wont back the above (or indeed, say the above) then ask him to leave and stay with her for a few days because you need some space.

SAMTALK

You need to nip this in the bud NOW. I had a smilar problem with my in laws.
Granted it wasnt like they were on my floor like yours are but the interferance in our lives was unbelievable. They treated me like s****and my OH never stood up to them. It ended up with a big family rift and myself and OH are still having problems. So Op deal with it now because you will eventually resent your OH for not standing by you and there is no way you should be dreading going home to your own house after a long day. It should be your sanctuary not somewhere you want to avoid.

R.D. aka MR.D

OP, I have sympathy for you. My own mother would be a bit like this and my poor SIL has had to deal with it.

It's easy for everyone to say that it's up to your husband to be the one to assert himself but I know how difficult that is. My sibling is the biggest pushover in the world. Can't say no to the parents. He's the most amazing human being otherwise but we grew up in a very dysfunctional house so I think that's why he finds it difficult to against them.

Anyway, my SIL had to take matters into her own hands by being the one to draw the line.

Personally, I would lock the back/front door the moment that you get home from work. Make yourself busy in the bedroom or wherever you can't be seen. She'll know you're home because I imagine like my own parents, she knows you and your husbands exact movements every day. She'll have seen you come home. Rinse and repeat until she gets the message.

Otherwise, tell her out straight. I'm busy, so would you mind coming back another time?

I live abroad to get away from the obsessive need of my parents to know everybody's movements at all times so I understand your frustration. It's like being in a minimum security prison. It robs you of your freedom but slowly enough to drive you mad.

Best of luck, OP.

Call me Al

Close to breaking point wrote: »

...
Im sick of her to be honest and my Husband never says anything to her. He will agree with me that she is way over stepping the mark but wont open his mouth to her. Its causing nothing but rows between us, I feel he isnt supporting me and isnt even trying to understand my frustration........

Im sitting in work dreading the thought of going home. Im actually contemplating booking into a hotel for the night. My husband had a rare day off today and he just text me to say his mother is there and she wants to know whats for dinner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im close to losing it. I know the frustration in me is just growing and i dont know how much more i can take of this!

So what exactly have you said to your husband?
I get the impression the penny hasn't fully dropped with him or else he'd have thought better than to text you asking what's for dinner on her behalf.

If your feelings are this strong on the matter (and I can fully understand why they would be) then you need to spell it out in its totality for him. Say that you feel undermined, and how you don't want to come home to your own house anymore.

Leave him in no doubt as to where this is leading if he doesn't take control of his mum's interference. Otherwise he's just taking you for granted.

SterlingArcher

So many people have so little self awareness. The only way to deal with it is not running away to a hotel because it ain't solving nothing and you'll look pathetic .

Face it head on. You tell your husband your mam does not come over every day . And you certainly wouldn't let your mam come over every day. And he is putting you in a bad situation by ignoring it.

So he needs to man up and talk to his mam. if he doesn't. then you talk again and tell him you gave him the chance now you will do it. Tell her you want some downtime, your house to be your home.

****s ridiculous someone dropping over unannounced non stop mother or not. Be nice but in no uncertain terms make it clear you're not having it.

I got to say if it goes down the road of you having to deal with this instead of your husband. You need to ask more serious questions.

LynnGrace

SAMTALK wrote: »

You need to nip this in the bud NOW. I had a smilar problem with my in laws.
Granted it wasnt like they were on my floor like yours are but the interferance in our lives was unbelievable. They treated me like s****and my OH never stood up to them. It ended up with a big family rift and myself and OH are still having problems. So Op deal with it now because you will eventually resent your OH for not standing by you and there is no way you should be dreading going home to your own house after a long day. It should be your sanctuary not somewhere you want to avoid.

Agreed. This is something that needs to stop, before it becomes a deal breaker in your marriage. I could not bear the thought of getting home in the evening, after a long day, and having someone, other than my husband, constantly in the house, not to mention, weekends, when everyone, in my opinion, needs their downtime.

I'd suggest, first off, having a long chat with your husband, and make him realise what an impact this is having. It may be something he was used to, before he was married, (her being over-involved in his life) and so boundaries have become blurred, or were never there, in the first place.

It may well be, as others have said, that she is lonely, or whatever. But, this cannot continue to be the way that she alleviates that loneliness. You married him, not her.

All the best, OP, and I hope that things work out well.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone, sorry im only replying to them now. Well on Wednesday night i text my husband to say i had enough and was booked into a hotel for the night. Told him i couldnt cope with another evening of his mother. So he decieded to drive down to stay with me and have a talk about whats going on.

It was actually really nice we went to dinner and had a really long talk about what was wrong. He agreed with me as usual but he promised he was going to speak to her about calling over so much. He has kind of had enough of her aswell.

So yesterday evening when she called around at her usual time we both sat her down and explained that we are too tired in the evenings for visitors and we wanted our weekends back. We explained that she was more than welcome to drop in for a QUICK cup of tea at the weekends but not a 9am!!!! Needless to say this didnt go down well!!

She left the house and said "she wont stay where she isnt welcome"

We both left her on home to calm down. It was the first evening in so long we got to just cuddle on our sofa and watch a film without a third wheel there. It was great!

I dont know what lies in store for tonight. Or the weekend. Im sure my husband will have to go around at some stage as i know he doesnt want to fall out with his mother.

Kerryfootball

Close to breaking point wrote: »

Hi all

My mother in Law lives very close to us and she is constantly calling around. Every evening she calls in about 5 mins after i arrive home from work. She doesnt want anything just feels the need to call in and comment on how tired i look. I feel like snapping at her!!! I leave for work at 6am and get home at 7pm (i have a long commute) so of course im bloody tired!!!!!

She then calls around again at about 8.30 commenting about why we have done this in the house and why we havent done that in the house.

Weekends are meant to be something to look forward to but instead i dread them! She arrives at the house without fail at 9am and stays for most of the day. Both Saturday and Sunday. Then continues to tell us where we are going wrong with the house. Constantly telling us we are taking to much time to get the house finished. (we bought our house in January) We have been doing the best we can with the house as we both work very long hours and we are just doing the house up room by room as we have the money available. She doesnt seam to understand money doesnt grow on trees for us!!!

Im sick of her to be honest and my Husband never says anything to her. He will agree with me that she is way over stepping the mark but wont open his mouth to her. Its causing nothing but rows between us, I feel he isnt supporting me and isnt even trying to understand my frustration. My own Mother is the same distance away as my Mother in Law and she only calls over once maybe twice a week. My mother always calls or texts to see if its ok to call over as she knows and understands we need our space. Even when my mother does call over she never criticises the house or our decisions.

Im sitting in work dreading the thought of going home. Im actually contemplating booking into a hotel for the night. My husband had a rare day off today and he just text me to say his mother is there and she wants to know whats for dinner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im close to losing it. I know the frustration in me is just growing and i dont know how much more i can take of this!

Please someone tell me there is a way out of this before i completley lose it!!!

Forget your husband speaking to her.
You take the bull by the horns and run her the next time she calls over.
Honestly it's your home and your rules.

Merkin

close to breaking point wrote: »

Thanks for the replies everyone, sorry im only replying to them now. Well on Wednesday night i text my husband to say i had enough and was booked into a hotel for the night. Told him i couldnt cope with another evening of his mother. So he decieded to drive down to stay with me and have a talk about whats going on.

It was actually really nice we went to dinner and had a really long talk about what was wrong. He agreed with me as usual but he promised he was going to speak to her about calling over so much. He has kind of had enough of her aswell.

So yesterday evening when she called around at her usual time we both sat her down and explained that we are too tired in the evenings for visitors and we wanted our weekends back. We explained that she was more than welcome to drop in for a QUICK cup of tea at the weekends but not a 9am!!!! Needless to say this didnt go down well!!

She left the house and said "she wont stay where she isnt welcome"

We both left her on home to calm down. It was the first evening in so long we got to just cuddle on our sofa and watch a film without a third wheel there. It was great!

I dont know what lies in store for tonight. Or the weekend. Im sure my husband will have to go around at some stage as i know he doesnt want to fall out with his mother.

Well done, I'm delighted for you! That is great progress. I think just a word of caution to both of you, particularly your husband. In his keenness to make amends, it is imperative that he doesn't go back on what has been said. Because she will inevitably give a sob story about being lonely and/or feeling unwelcome and the inclination might be to acquiesce. Stay firm and keep the united front and she will hopefully stay away!

annoyedgal

Fair play to you! Stick to your guns and remain firm and friendly with her. If she continues to sulk just remind her she is welcome to call, as you said, once or twice a week with prior notice. Reinforce with her that this is what your own mother does too and fair is fair. Really hope that's the end of it for you, enjoy the peace and quiet!

questionmark?

OP fair play for not literally giving her a boot up the arse!

If she cares about her son she should respect his privacy and the privacy of his wife as at the moment she sounds like an incredibly selfish woman only thinking of her needs.

Don't back down but of course try to do it without causing a family rift if you can. You deserve to feel comfortable in your own house and you deserve to spend time with your husband.

strandroad

Well done OP!
Presuming that you don't want to burn bridges I think that you should now invite her over for a time that suits *you*, a well defined one, such as Sunday dinner. You need to show her that she is not unwelcome, but that she is welcome on your terms only. Do not apologise!
Put the phone on loudspeaker so that you can both speak with her and she'll see you as a unit, not her soft son or that awful SIL phoning her on their own which she could use to manipulate.

silverbolt

close to breaking point wrote: »

So yesterday evening when she called around at her usual time we both sat her down and explained that we are too tired in the evenings for visitors and we wanted our weekends back. We explained that she was more than welcome to drop in for a QUICK cup of tea at the weekends but not a 9am!!!! Needless to say this didnt go down well!!

She left the house and said "she wont stay where she isnt welcome"

We both left her on home to calm down. It was the first evening in so long we got to just cuddle on our sofa and watch a film without a third wheel there. It was great!

I dont know what lies in store for tonight. Or the weekend. Im sure my husband will have to go around at some stage as i know he doesnt want to fall out with his mother.

Typical Irish Mammy and typical Irish Mammys boy. She wants to stick her nose in and he wont stand up to her properly.

Let her have her strop but both her and your husband need to realise that now that you are married she needs to let the apron strings get cut. It was one thing when you were just "the girlfriend" or the "fiance" but now you are his WIFE. That means the nucleus has changed his focus needs to be more on you than his bloody mammy. Im not saying that she should be cut out completely but you are his immediate concern. And you most certainly should not be feeling pushed out of your house.

Acara

Caroke wrote: »

Check into a hotel, try to have sex and throw your underwear around the house when she's there, make her cook your dinner, hit her with a big inflatable hammer...

Try just talking to her, woman to woman. "Mary, me and Bob are finding we're having trouble getting time at be together since we've moved in. We're both working flat out and trying to get the house sorted and everything and we don't get much time to just relax and have quality time together just the two of us. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, it's great that we get on so well together, and I like having you over, but would you be able keep in mind that we need to make time for just the two of us in the evenings, and with our time off? Thanks, it'd mean a lot."

Her son needs to grow up, put his wife first and tell his mother to butt out and stop her crap. HER SON is the one that has to say this NOT his wife.

LegacyUser

I would tell your husband that you have enjoyed having the house to yourselves recently. I would also say to him if he goes to his mother he is not to back down to her. He will listen to her complain about not been allowed in his house.

If she starts this I would just tell him to say this to her - Mam you were there every evening along with all day Sat and Sunday. Along with this you were complaining that we have not jobs done in the house. It is our house and we don't want to get into debit doing the jobs so we are taking our time doing them. We both work long hours so we don't have much time to do these.
Tell her as well that your mother rings or text you before calling over.

This woman has to realise that she no rights to do this. If she complains about the house again to you just say - Mary I know you have plenty of money so if you gave us a few thousand we would have the work done sooner in this house.

If your mother in law lives that close to you - turn the tables. If you know she has visitors calling to her go to the house and sit in the middle of them until after they leave. Say to your mother in law then well was it great to see - name of visitors. I will call up the next time I see the car here.

dimko

tabs101 wrote: »

Jeezus christ op thats nuts !!! I'm not surprised you are tearing your hair out, that is waaaay too intense. Is she a widow or something and just very lonely? I can't believe she comes over all weekend and stays with you!!

Buy her a few cats in this case!
Or may be a parrot. Just dont stay anywhere near parrot, as it may start tot say bad things about you!

Taltos

Mod note
Closing as resolved.