Flatmates other half...

justback83

Hi all,

I'm looking for advice on how to handle a potentially awkward situation...our flatmate's other half is here all the time! Initially we didn't mind - but this girl is a psyhco! She sounds like a wild animal and we're beginning to get really, really sick of her.

Any advice?? I was considering asking her to contribute to household bills as she's here so much but I'm afraid that she'll just move in then...

salmocab

I wouldn't ask her for anything, talk to your flatmate and tell him its not on. She doesn't need to be part of the conversation. The longer its left the more awkward it will get.

El_Duderino 09

Would it be mental to suggest saying something along the lines of 'everyone is entitled to have visitors over occasionally, but this is more like having another housemate. 1 or 2 nights a week is fair enough but more than that needs to be arranged in advance'.

justback83

El_Duderino 09 wrote: »

Would it be mental to suggest saying something along the lines of 'everyone is entitled to have visitors over occasionally, but this is more like having another housemate. 1 or 2 nights a week is fair enough but more than that needs to be arranged in advance'.

This is exactly how we feel. Neither of them are particularly sociable - the flatmate is quiet but quite nice...but the other one - I've never come across a creature like her! We were thinking about making note of how often she is here but I don't want to sound like a petty psycho by showing her the evidence!

justback83

It's probably only fair to mention that they spend most of the time in my flatmates room - they are rarely in the kitchen or living room but if they are it's always too awkward to share the space with them - because of this girl!! This is one of the reasons I'm apprehensive about asking her to contribute.

salmocab

justback83 wrote: »

It's probably only fair to mention that they spend most of the time in my flatmates room - they are rarely in the kitchen or living room but if they are it's always too awkward to share the space with them - because of this girl!! This is one of the reasons I'm apprehensive about asking her to contribute.

If she contributes then she will have a say in things and Id say thats to be avoided.

manonboard

Id consider it inappropriate to talk to her about it.

Talk to your house mate. Thats who manages whether she is around or not. That is who you live with.
It would really rub me the wrong way if others dictated to MY guests about thier invitation.

I think its far more appropriate to talk to the house mate. It also leaves the way in which its handled up to him. He could easily do it on the quiet and just spend more time at her place etc. Its best to leave those options in his hands.

El_Duderino 09

salmocab wrote:

If she contributes then she will have a say in things and Id say thats to be avoided.

Asking her to contribute would mean that the problem is that she isn't paying towards bills and the problem would be solved by her contributing. That's not the case though as you want her to spend less time in the house. The only solution is to say that.

Toots

You need to address it with your housemate, the GF shouldn't be included in the discussion at all. If you can, try and organise a house meeting so that the other housemates are there to back you up. I agree with El_Duderino, 1 or 2 nights a week is fine, but more than that is too much. Even in houseshares when the other half is 'normal' it gets annoying when they spend too much time there. That's why a lot of house shares insist on no couples.

wyndham

The unwelcome/outstaying welcome flatmates partner thread seems to come up once a week here. Very common problem it seems.

justback83

justback83 wrote: »

I was considering asking her to contribute to household bills .

Don't do this. You will give her 'rights' that way. Jsut tell the flatmate (not her) that its not on.

justback83

Thargor wrote: »

We need more detail!

Eh - it's not that sort of noise! It's just acting like a twat - shrieking and screaming like a child!

Butters1979

justback83 wrote: »

Eh - it's not that sort of noise! It's just acting like a twat - shrieking and screaming like a child!

Well that was disappointing. Anyway I would echo what others have said. She should not be part of the conversation and she should not be asked to pay bills. It is your flatmate who pays the rent and manages her presence, she is his guest. You need to talk to him about the situation. Explain you do need her to never be there, but more than a few nights a week is too much. If he is a decent guy like you say you could come to an easy enough agreement. If she’s as annoying as you say maybe he’d be happy for the excuse to get a few nights to himself.

justback83

Butters1979 wrote: »

Well that was disappointing. Anyway I would echo what others have said. She should not be part of the conversation and she should not be asked to pay bills. It is your flatmate who pays the rent and manages her presence, she is his guest. You need to talk to him about the situation. Explain you do need her to never be there, but more than a few nights a week is too much. If he is a decent guy like you say you could come to an easy enough agreement. If she’s as annoying as you say maybe he’d be happy for the excuse to get a few nights to himself.

"He" is "She"!

Butters1979

justback83 wrote: »

"He" is "She"!

Wait what? The housemate is male and the overstaying guest is female. Right?

justback83

Butters1979 wrote: »

Wait what? The housemate is male and the overstaying guest is female. Right?

Nope - both female!

Butters1979

justback83 wrote: »

Nope - both female!

Oh. Ok, situation and my advise wouldn't change I suppose. And at the risk of sounding immature....giggidy.

Brego888

justback83 wrote:

Nope - both female!

Must. Resist. After Hours. Type. Comment....

OP you need to have a talk with your housemate asap. Before you know it she will have moved in unknown to you.

Thargor

justback83 wrote: »

Eh - it's not that sort of noise! It's just acting like a twat - shrieking and screaming like a child!

Thats what I was wondering, what exactly does she be doing like an animal?

Emme

Is anyone else in the house LGBT? It shouldn't be an issue but it would make it easier to deal with the flatmate in question. Otherwise she might think you are discriminating against them.

It is perfectly fair to say to her that it's ok to have visitors over the weekend but other than that it should be planned in advance. Don't say anything to her GF. Call a house meeting and discuss the matter with everyone. What applies to this girl will apply to everyone in the house.

the_pen_turner

what does the girlfriend do that annoys you . why can you get on with her.

Butters1979

Emme wrote: »

Is anyone else in the house LGBT? It shouldn't be an issue but it would make it easier to deal with the flatmate in question. Otherwise she might think you are discriminating against them.

Sorry but I really don’t agree with that. Why would a genuine issue with house guests been there too much become a discrimination thing? If anything assuming that because someone is gay they would make this a discrimination thing is discrimination itself. Discrimination is treating someone differently, it this were a straight couple the issue would be the exact same. Do not treat it differently. It's not like they have their own language or something. Secret handshake?

Butters1979

Butters1979 wrote: »

It's not like they have their own language or something.

"shrieking and screaming like a child!" ... Perhaps they do!

mahoganygas

Emme wrote:

Is anyone else in the house LGBT? It shouldn't be an issue but it would make it easier to deal with the flatmate in question. Otherwise she might think you are discriminating against them.

Does any else in the house have red hair? Cause, you know, discrimination......

What a weird piece of advice to offer.

Emme

Butters1979 wrote: »

Sorry but I really don’t agree with that. Why would a genuine issue with house guests been there too much become a discrimination thing? If anything assuming that because someone is gay they would make this a discrimination thing is discrimination itself. Discrimination is treating someone differently, it this were a straight couple the issue would be the exact same. Do not treat it differently. It's not like they have their own language or something. Secret handshake?

It shouldn't but some might see it that way. If a personal is irrational enough to scream and shriek like a child they could be irrational enough to take their partner's housemates' request up the wrong way. Be mindful of this.

Butters1979

Emme wrote: »

It shouldn't but some might see it that way. If a personal is irrational enough to scream and shriek like a child they could be irrational enough to take their partner's housemates' request up the wrong way. Be mindful of this.

Absolutely not, I would not allow someone to get away with taking advantage of the house share situation. If a person is irrational it is no reason to allow them to get away with more. If a person is gay it is no reason to avoid discussing something that needs resolving with them.

Emme

Emme wrote: »

It shouldn't but some might see it that way. If a personal is irrational enough to scream and shriek like a child they could be irrational enough to take their partner's housemates' request up the wrong way. Be mindful of this.

The problem with this country is that people are too mindful of silly notions like this to the detriment of common sense.

riclad

Make a rule no one can have someone stay over more than 1-2 nights a week.
it applys to all flatmates ,
no discrimination there ,applys to everyone.
this is a commone problem.
there has to be rules .re noise, bills etc when there 2-3 people living together .
who cleans up.
otherwise you will find this person will spend 3-4 days there ,every week.
maybe say 2 nights a week is the max stay for a guest ,friend .

the_pen_turner

the_pen_turner wrote: »

what does the girlfriend do that annoys you . why can you get on with her.

Getting on with her or not is not the point. She doesn't live there and just having an extra person in the house is a big annoyance when housesharing. It's bad enough having to share with housemates never mind their partner who isn't paying rent and no doubt using electricity, water, heat, taking up the bathroom with someone else might want it, taking a seat in the couch etc etc etc.

CatFromHue

wyndham wrote: »

The unwelcome/outstaying welcome flatmates partner thread seems to come up once a week here. Very common problem it seems.

It'd be No.1 of problems in house shares.

No.2 being people not tidying up after themselves.