What should I say?

NumptyB

So I've had a few online dates over the last few months and some of them have ended up as one night stands.
Some of them it was obvious that's all they were & that was grand. Some, I was a bit more surprised about but then guy messaged back & forth a bit and it just fizzled out naturally. One guy got back with his ex after we'd had s few dates, so I wished him well with that.
In the last week or so I was messaging a guy who was INCESSANT in his messages, the minute he woke up until the minute he went to sleep, while we were in work, while he was out with friends. I'd tell him I'm in work, or I'm busy and he'd keep messaging. I wasn't convinced I wanted to meet up with him and as he lived a little bit further away than being able to arrange a casual date easily I figured it wouldn't be an immediate thing anyway.
Then he was out with some friends and ended up in a bar v close to my house. He asked me to meet him, I said no...it was already late at this point and he'd been out for hours drinking and I was completely sober. He managed to talk me into it, sieze the moment etc. I thought '**** it' what have I got to lose?

Long story short, I met him, we went to a bar away from his mates, stayed till it closed, got on great. He ended up staying over, we had s great time! He stayed until lunchtime the next day, v affectionate...didn't want to leave but I had plans, so I had to kick him out.

Off he went....and hours later I'd heard nothing. It was unusual because he was so incessant at messaging. After about 8hrs I texted to just make sure he got home ok (and was alive?!) and he didn't respond....I thought 'oh here we go again'...but I'm the sort of person that would just let it go and say nothing and write it off....usually. A girl I was out with was raging and told me to text him and say 'everything cool?' and so I did and he ended up apologising for the drunken mess I'd met the night before. I told him to relax, we had fun and he said it was just the fear talking. I replied to feel better and I'd chat later.
Nothing. Keep in mind he'd often keep messaging me when I didn't respond.
All day yesterday....nothing. So I got a bit annoyed because whilst this was maybe obviously gonna be no more than a fling, isn't there a common decency to have some balls and say that or message back and forth a bit and let it fizzle naturally? Instead he ignored me, completely against his usual behaviour. I texted eventually at about 5pm yesterday saying it must have been an especially bad case of the fear....nothing.

Now, for me it wasn't going to be more than a fling anyway. He's a bit older, we have v few common interests...but we had fun and we're both adults and we could have had some more fun without it being A thing.
I kinda want him to know that whilst also letting him know that it's not cool to be incessant in your chase of someone to the point of it being annoying to then completely ignore them!
I'm always a bit passive in these situations and write it off as another bad situation but I kinda want him to know it's not cool. It's pathetic for a guy his age.
What's the best way of saying it? I don't even care if he responds I just want to word something that doesn't sound bitter, or agressive but gets the point across that it's not cool and gives him some food for thought.

Penny Tration

Youve messaged him a few times already with no response, what's the point in messaging again?

He's not stupid. He doesn't need you to tell him his actions are rude. he knows and is doing it anyway. So leave him to it.

Do flings normally keep in touch? I'd have thought that was uncommon. You didn't want anymore, he doesn't want anymore, so delete his number and forget about him

NumptyB

Penny Tration wrote: »

Youve messaged him a few times already with no response, what's the point in messaging again?

He's not stupid. He doesn't need you to tell him his actions are rude. he knows and is doing it anyway. So leave him to it.

Do flings normally keep in touch? I'd have thought that was uncommon. You didn't want anymore, he doesn't want anymore, so delete his number and forget about him

A few have, mainly because we'd know people in common so I guess it was the decent thing on both sides to avoid future awkward situations. And some have just ended up not working out rather than either of us deliberately setting out for a one night stand with no consequences.

Yeah I guess usually I'd do nothing but I just feel like it does no favours to anyone to let people think it's ok to act like that. It's funny because I was taking a few steps back at the time because he was scaring me a bit with talk of the future and I wasn't as into that..

intheclouds

You never should have met him. The hallmark of an incessant texter is someone who then loses interest as quickly as they gained it. Its simply not possible to keep up that level of contact and its not normal. Treat is as a red flag from the beginning.

Something Ive noticed about the incessant texter types is that they sometimes reappear a few weeks or months later for another round of incessant contact and then again disappear or go silent as swiftly again.

Avoid, avoid, avoid.

tara73

intheclouds wrote: »

You never should have met him. The hallmark of an incessant texter is someone who then loses interest as quickly as they gained it. Its simply not possible to keep up that level of contact and its not normal. Treat is as a red flag from the beginning.

Something Ive noticed about the incessant texter types is that they sometimes reappear a few weeks or months later for another round of incessant contact and then again disappear or go silent as swiftly again.

Avoid, avoid, avoid.

this.

be happy he's just ignoring you and not starting to play games.

delete his number, and for the future, as poster above said, best to avoid incessant and full on people. they have issues and bring nothing but annoyance. speaking from experience.

be prepared for the contact in a few weeks and don't respond if you want to save yourself from more headache.

heretochat

Fairly common story in my experience.

He enjoyed the chase and to be honest OP you made it too easy for him by arranging to meet him and then sleeping with him.

So he has his conquest and is now off to the next one..

You are well rid I reckon

LegacyUser

Not to sound harsh op but you admitted you sometimes didn't message back when he text so why is it so different for him not to respond?
IMO he got want he wanted and wants no more to do with you. Forget about it and love on

Katgurl

Hi OP,

You are Abso right about it being rude and unacceptable but unfortunately you can't change somebody else's behaviour. I know it's frustrating but I would say nothing now. Any messages you send no matter how reasonably worded or fair they are will give him ammo to call you a crazy stalker. Your best bet is to put him out of your head and be sure to ignore his inevitable efforts to get back in touch. If you run into him be pleasant and dismissive. It'll really annoy him as he's probably used to this behaviour causing a reaction.

Also bear in mind that this weird behaviour is probably a pattern for him and nothing you did / will do can change it.

Ohmydays83

Op, he got what he wanted and now hes gone into the wilderness looking for his next victim.

zeffabelli

It's really not ok to make someone feel important with all that contact and attention and tgfn just drop them.

That is a scummy and deceitful thing to do and maybe he needs to hear it's not ok, maybe he doesn't know any better, if you're bothered say it to him but you don't really want someone like this to you?

mapaca

Trust me, he knows his behaviour is rude and immature, you don't need to tell him! I wouldn't bother texting again. Plenty more lovely guys out there.

CaraMay

You are applying your own standards to someone else which never works. He played you and got what he wanted. You feel into the trap and are annoyed now when he isn't doing what you want him to do. You've already texted him a lot so just leave it now. Why would you try and teach him how to behave? It's not your place.

beks101

Yeah the best thing you can do here is delete his number and never text him again. Eventually it will get to him and will drive him mental when the incessant texting starts up again.

10 to 1 says he pops back on the radar in a few weeks with some sad little excuse for himself. For now, he got what he wanted and now he's freezing you out. Don't let your ego take over and keep you engaging with him. That's all any text would be, a righteous little moment of glory for you followed by regret and sadness. Don't lower yourself. He's proved himself to be a bit of a dick, so let him loose and never contact him again.

blue note

OP, I agree with everyone here saying to delete his number and ignore him. However, if you want to send him one last text to remind him he's being a d1ck I don't see the harm in it. In fact if it makes you feel better it's probably a good thing. But then delete his number and even if he responds don't reply again. He sounds like a d1ck.

Hookups are grand, can even be great, but I have no time for people being dishonest about them. I don't even see how you can enjoy kind of tricking someone into having sex with you.

Skoop

Another way to look at it could be it had only been eight hours since you seen each other, he was a bit embarrassed about booty calling you when hammered drunk, and probably hung over, so hadn't been in touch yet, and you messaged him asking if he got home OK. Perfectly fine. But when he didn't answer right away you messaged him again asking if everything was cool, also grand and he responded, you exchanged a couple of messages and you said feel better talk later. Then because you hadn't heard from him by 5 the next day you got annoyed and the next message you sent him since you'd last spoke was a kinda sarky passive aggressive message and he didn't want to respond to that. Just to throw it out there.

Anyway, either way best to just forget about it. It's not like you were dating or anything, you'd met each other once.

PinkLemonade

I always think you're better off ignoring them if they've gone cold like this.

Take it up with him if he tries texting you again, you can tell him then that your not interested because of his previous behaviour, but don't lose your cool now, it wouldn't accomplish anything.

Potatoeman

It doesn't sound like you were that interested and you didn't plan for it to go anywhere but you mention that if it was a fling he should have said so. You didn't do this yourself. You also said he was texting too much and you were stepping back. It sounds like mixed messages from both of you.

Calypso Realm

IMO, that's WAY too much energy and effort to put into someone who's not making any real effort to get back in touch. In addition, at this point you'll never know if HE would have initiated contact in the first place..........which he may well have! In instances like this always best to hold back for this reason.

To send multiple messages to someone who hasn't responded to previous ones is going to signal that you still care, but more importantly it is going to be emotionally hurtful to you in the long run.

dixiefly

Sounds like he also had you earmarked for somewhere to stay.

OP, have you ruled out the possibility that he is married?