Who is being unreasonable here?

LegacyUser

I'm married, 3 kids. I wear glasses.

I haven't changed them in 4 years, so decided to get a new pair. I've been talking about it on and off for a while.

2 weekends ago, I said to my wife that I wanted to head into town to look at glasses and book an eye test, and headed in with my eldest daughter. Got an appointment for the following Tuesday morning. Went to that in my own, did the test, and picked out two pairs of frames. That evening I showed my wife the two pairs on the optician's website, and she said they looked nice.

They were ready yesterday, so while I was out bringing my daughter to one of her sports, I picked them up, and wore one of the new pairs home.

When I got home, my wife said nothing about the glasses, which is unusual. The day went on as normal. Later on, when the businesses subsided, I showed her the two pairs. She made a favourable comment about the design of one and the colour of the other, and then we got talking about other stuff, and that was that. As the day went on, I noticed her being quiet, and asked if anything was wrong, she said there wasn't, so I just put it down to tiredness.

We got the kids to bed, she stayed up in bed, I came down to do housework.

At about 11, she came down looking very sad. I immediately stopped what I was doing and asked her what's up.

It turns out she's very upset because I went and picked out the glasses without having her with me.

To me, my glasses are a very personal decision. I'm a grown adult, I've been wearing glasses for over 30 years, I don't need someone with me to pick out a pair. Yet she feels that it's a decision that she should have some input in.

She tends to try to get very involved in my personal decisions, whereas I feel that certain things should be left to the individual. Obviously there's plenty of thing we decide as a couple.

I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable in not involving her in picking out the glasses, or she is for thinking that I was wrong for not doing so.

Any opinions welcome.

njs030

No you're not being unreasonable. You showed her the glasses before buying them which was your way of asking for her input.
Though at the same time it's lovely that she feels so strongly about wanting to be part of the little things in your life.

I would be inclined to keep the peace and just say you didn't think to bring her with you and you'll remember next time and hopefully that will be the end of it!

Slightly off topic but after all the recent threads from unhappily married men who's wives don't care at all its nice to read one where she cares too much!!

amdublin

You sound like you communicate very well together.


But I am confused you showed her the ones you were thinking of. So you kind of did pick them out together?

Taltos

Ah OP - sounds like she just wanted to spend some time with you feeling important in your choices. Bit like a date out or something away from daily responsibilities and chores.

Why not ask her to come out with you next weekend for just a stroll and some chat around the town. Just the two of you for some couples time, you know, look in windows, hold each others hands. Basically just invest in the relationship and show her how vital she is to you.

bee06

As someone who wears glasses I find it a bit strange that she thinks she should have input into what glasses you wear. I wouldn't ask my husband for his input. But most likely it isn't about the actual glasses but maybe just showing you value her opinion in general? In the end, picking out a pair of glasses shouldn't be something that a couple should fall out over so meet her in the middle and involve her a bit more in some personal things for you? Of course she should do the same and understand that just because you're married she shouldn't need to have a say in every little thing.

LegacyUser

I told her in advance that I'd be going to the optician's on the Saturday, so she had the opportunity to come along. But she stayed at home with the two young ones. We have 3 kids under 6, including two toddlers in nappies - bringing them all into town is a big ordeal.

To give an example of other things she gets involved in: When I get my hair cut, she makes me bring a particular picture of myself on my phone. She asks to see it on my phone before I go out. When I get back, she quizzes me about how much attention the barber payed to the photo.

I tend to like a quiet life, so usually let this slide, but really I think this is more than a nice way of her being involved in the little things, and more about inappropriate control.

LegacyUser

My god, I'd feel completely smothered by that behaviour! I'm presuming it is a bit out of character, as it bothered you enough to post it. I don't think it is sweet at all, I think she's being incredibly childish and a bit controlling.

Does she allow you to buy clothes on your own? Would she but a handbag without your opinion? Or change her hairstyle? Do you have to choose toilet roll 'together'?

Sorry OP, it's just bizarre to me! I'm not sure I'd be able to let it go either.

beyondbelief67

I think it might be she wanted to help you chose ones to suit you, you know like when you see men waiting outside changing rooms, sweating knowing they are going to be asked what suits their other half best?
My grandad always got my grandmother to help him chose his glasses he said she was better than any mirror, cos he could see from het face if something looked good or bad on him!

LegacyUser

She's being unreasonable, and a bit childish. I think if this was a man sulking because his wife didn't consult him before buying her glasses posters would be saying he is controlling etc, and asking questions about other aspects of the relationship.

Tell her she doesn't always bring you with her to pick out her shoes, so you didn't think to ask her to pick out your glasses. Have a little giggle about it, and show her how ridiculous she is being.... Unless of course this is just one aspect of your life that she tries to control and you are met with a similar attitude to everything in your life. If that's the case, you have bigger problems.

dudara

To me, this behaviour about the glasses and the haircuts sounds a little bit controlling. However, I suppose the question is if you are happy to go along with this and if it bothers you. Every couple has their own dynamic.

Stheno

dudara wrote: »

To me, this behaviour about the glasses and the haircuts sounds a little bit controlling. However, I suppose the question is if you are happy to go along with this and if it bothers you. Every couple has their own dynamic.

I agree with this she sounds controlling

bee06

OK, with the hair cut example added then she does sound unreasonable and controlling. I'm guessing you've never pointed out that this is strange behaviour before if you just want a quiet life but maybe it's time to start, in a calm and reasonable way.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry but this is ridiculous and I think you probably already know it, thus your post here. Honestly, sounds like behaviour that would be typical of (some) relationships between 18 and 19 year olds with plenty of growing up left to do. It just seems such a trivial issue, it doesn't effect her, I wouldn't go so far as to accuse her of trying to control you as I don't know enough but at the very least its over clingy.

She's out of order. Certain decisions have to be mutual but this isn't exactly something like what school should we send the kids to or should I buy us a new car from our savings or should I take that job offer on the other side of the country. Extreme examples maybe, but that's only to illustrate certain things require mutual discussion and others don't.

njs030

After your latest post she does sound a bit controlling, surely it's your business how you get your haircut!

Maybe you're right to take a stand about the glasses and have a bit more control of your own life then op.

Penny Tration

She does indeed sound controlling.

I wouldn't personally be putting up with that haircut malarkey. I'd be inclined to say 'Thanks for the advice sweetheart,' and then go make your own decisions.

It's not up to her to decide how you look. opinions are fine, control is not.

LegacyUser

I do buy my own clothes, but to be honest, I think she'd really like to buy them for me. I do appreciate when she buys the odd tshirt or pair of jeans for me, but I have made it very clear to her in the past that I value my independence in this, so I think there's a line there that she knows she shouldn't cross.

She buys all her clothes, shoes and accessories without seeking my input. When she gets them home, she'll try them on and show me, and we'll talk about them. Exactly the same as me and the glasses.

I'm thinking the the dynamic has gone a bit one sided. I have registered my displeasure about the hair thing (and other stuff before), but she's very sensitive, and any criticism or perceived criticism from me or anyone doesn't go down well at all, so I've learned to tread carefully. I have a very independent mind, and I'm not one to really care too much about what others think of me. I'm also quite decisive. She tends to be very indecisive, and worries a lot about other people's perceptions. If she was directly involved in picking the glasses, we'd probably still be visiting opticians two weeks on, whereas I saw what I liked and went for it.

Anyway, thanks for the replies. Plenty of food for thought on both sides.

Sound Bite

Your wife sound unhealthy controlling.

Are you not smothered living like that?

Personally, such behaviour wouldn't be acceptable to me.

sserdda

About 9 months ago i went on my own to specsavers. Never went on my own before, wife always comes. I bought 2 pair collected them a few days later. I went home and was met with derision and laughing, from wife and kids. One of the kids even went o far as to say "your not wearing them out with me".

Moral of the story, never go and buy glasses on your own.

beks101

Blurred vision wrote: »

To give an example of other things she gets involved in: When I get my hair cut, she makes me bring a particular picture of myself on my phone. She asks to see it on my phone before I go out. When I get back, she quizzes me about how much attention the barber payed to the photo.

Good god. What? This sounds bonkers. Mental stuff altogether. Do you also need a permission slip to leave the house?

Honestly, even if I was 12 years old and my mother was bossing me about with this kind of nonsense I'd find it suffocating.

Do you exercise the same control into her daily decisions? Can you imagine the kind of advice that would be doled out around here if you did and if she posted a thread about it?

kylith

Haircuts and specs are not the kind of life-altering decisions that would effect both of you and need discussion and compromise. Tell her to cop herself on.

December2012

Others have referred to the controlling aspect so I won't add to that.

An additional thought - it seems your wife is very into appearances and wants you to look a certain way, which she has picked and approved. That is very unhealthy in my opinion.

Figbiscuithead

December2012 wrote: »

Others have referred to the controlling aspect so I won't add to that.

An additional thought - it seems your wife is very into appearances and wants you to look a certain way, which she has picked and approved. That is very unhealthy in my opinion.

Sounds like this alright. My boyfriend brought me glasses shopping the other day as he wanted my opinion and it'd be the same for big purchases like shoes and stuff but that's only because he asks me. He's his own man and can dress himself.

You're independent like myself, OP, and I absolutely hate the kind of input on what I wear or how I get my hair cut from anyone, never mind my partner and I'd really resent if they commented on it without me asking. I think you really have to sit her down and explain this to her calmly, even if she's hurt as a result. Tell her how it makes you feel and don't accuse her of anything or she'll only get defensive. You've every right to bring this up without her losing the plot - it's a reasonable complaint.

trixychic

<SNIP>

I'm sorry I'm not trying to be mean but is she having a laugh??? Yes some things that are major choices that will effect the life in the household should be discussed... But your glasses???

Maybe she is a bit hormonal at the min??? You are defo not being unreasonable!!!! She is.

CaraMay

Suppose she will be looking at your glasses more than you will?!?! She's out of order and treating you like a kid. Just let her get on with it. You are entitled to buy what you want.

sinny65

Wow, I am kinda shocked reading your post. You are definitely not being unreasonable, your wife totally is. The haircut thing is extremely controlling, surely you get to decide how you would like your own hair. Picking glasses is a personal decision not a major decision like buying a house or even choosing a holiday destination that couples usually do together. Sorry for being harsh but your wife needs to chill out

ManOfMystery

Blurred vision wrote: »

I'm thinking the the dynamic has gone a bit one sided. I have registered my displeasure about the hair thing (and other stuff before), but she's very sensitive, and any criticism or perceived criticism from me or anyone doesn't go down well at all, so I've learned to tread carefully. I have a very independent mind, and I'm not one to really care too much about what others think of me. I'm also quite decisive. She tends to be very indecisive, and worries a lot about other people's perceptions. If she was directly involved in picking the glasses, we'd probably still be visiting opticians two weeks on, whereas I saw what I liked and went for it.

An ex of mine was exactly like this, and we had a similar problem. She was indecisive about everything, easily swayed by the opinions (and worried about the perceptions) of others, and so on. Whereas I just do my own thing decisively and have never really needed to seek advice or the like about anything. One example of her fickleness was shortly after we had a fantastic 2 week break together, got on great and were very close. We came back home, and whilst on a night out with friends one of them made some throwaway comment about couples often breaking up when they least expect it, such as after having a nice holiday together. She spent the next week convinced I was going to dump her.

I too had an issue with her wanting to pick certain clothes for me.

And I remember her pushing me for ages to get a new hairstyle, I eventually relented and when I walked out of the barbers she loved it. Had a shower that night; afterwards I couldn't quite get my hair styled exactly how the barber had it but was close enough for me and to be honest, I didn't really waste much thought on it. Got to her house for a night out and she was visibly annoyed because my hair wasn't exactly how it had been when we left the barbers.

Of course, that's one of many reasons why she got the heave-ho eventually.

One thing that someone said to me really hit the nail on the head. People who are indecisive about elements of their own life are often very decisive and controlling when it comes to the lives of others. It's their way of making risk-free decisions (for them at least) about everything, from the most mundane everyday things to those bigger life-changing decisions. It's a way of seizing back some kind of control, though in reality that control is damaging and twisted as it's someone else's life which is being affected.

In short, your OH's behaviour would drive me mad and you'd do well to sit her down and have a serious talk about it. If she reacts badly, so be it, but you don't have to accept decisions that she wants to make for you.

purplekitty

Not being unreasonable at all... my husband won't be upset if I got glasses without him. It's a bit weird that she has an sue with them. Sound slide maybe she is just feeling a bit down, bit hormonal, and just wanted a bit of attention off you. Go out on a date or out for dinner.... otherwise, I can't think of any other reason I'd be worrying my husband about going out without me to buy something.

LegacyUser

my mother behaves exactly as you describe OP. My parents are now separated but before the separation, the one negative thing my father said to me was 'your mother is very controlling'. Now we had never spoken about it aloud over the years but I had noticed it growing up in the way she behaved towards him and towards me and my brother.

As a child it's a hard pattern to break, because as a small child it's a routine, you do what your parents tell you. You don't have a huge input into the decisions they make i.e. small practical things like getting haircut, but as I got older, my mother didn't want me going to the hairdresser unless she was there, to essentially dictate what way my hair was to be cut.

We had bank accounts set up for us when we were kids as is common. Presents/communion money put in etc. I lodged money to my account when I was about 16 or 17 and never gave her back the bank book. She wasn't happy because she no longer had control over my account and didn't know when money was going in or coming out or what was in there.

I could list endless examples of her controlling behaviour but I would be here all night. All I will say is OP that you need to nip this in the bud now and be assertive about personal decisions where her input is not necessary. Otherwise behaviour like this could escalate.

I experienced my mother sulking many times over the years over minor stuff like you describe and it's not pleasant. It wasn't possible to reason with her over it either.

You should also keep an eye on how she treats you children. Obviously, she has to make some decision for them, but take a look at her behaviour on decisions that they could make for themselves in time.

LegacyUser

The she dealt with it would really bother me OP - maybe not quite 'the silent treatment', but going very quiet and staying up in bed (the way read it, since the kids bedtime, so from 7/8 till 11). That's not good OP. That's not communicating, that's sticking her head in the sand until you 'realise' what you've 'done'.

How does she normally deal with problems?

Rubberchikken

it's odd behaviour in my opinion.
trouble is when someone lets someone else make a little decision/input originally, then it can snowball.
what glasses you wear, or how you have your hair cut doesn't seem like something anyone else should be 'interested' in, but that's just my take.

on the other hand, i'd be a little concerned with her health. is she in good form normally. young kids under 6, can be a handful. is she getting time to herself away from them? maybe it's a thought worth pursuing.
good luck

gazzer

OP. Have you ever asked her how would she feel if you told her that you wanted her to get her hair cut in a certain way?

Ohmydays83

Op, this is definitely controlling behaviour.

She is sad because she didnt get to choose what glasses you wear?

Absolutely ridiculous to say the least.

Shrap

Blurred vision wrote: »

but she's very sensitive, and any criticism or perceived criticism from me or anyone doesn't go down well at all, so I've learned to tread carefully. I have a very independent mind, and I'm not one to really care too much about what others think of me. I'm also quite decisive. She tends to be very indecisive, and worries a lot about other people's perceptions.

Strikes me from all your posts OP that she actually dislikes the fashion choices you make for yourself because of this bolded sentence above, not because you're wearing awful stuff (!) but because she can't cope with how she feels about appearances. It rings alarm bells to me that it's a classic case of someone who is very very judgmental about the appearances of others and as a result is especially hard on herself and her loved ones about how they are looking/acting in case "other people" might judge her about how you or your family look.....probably never realising that she is her own worst enemy here.

You may not be able to approach her about this problem of her's without it coming over as criticism, but if you can turn it around to her to show how self critical and hard on herself she is being, and on others as a result, there may be some breakthrough. Certainly, she could benefit on being told that this is a problem that you don't intend to subscribe to as you're quite happy that everyone looks the way they want to and you love them all regardless of what they look like.

My ex is similar and finds it excruciatingly embarrassing if someone around him looks "odd" as he sees it, or stands out in any way. Cue epic hissy fit when our son got his ear pierced, dyed his hair and went out wearing a hat that wasn't a baseball cap, etc. It has stopped my son daring to look how he wants. My poor boy will have his work cut out for him to stand up for himself in his mid teens onward, and I firmly predict a big backlash in the future, possibly involving tattoos and a mohican. Make sure you're there for your kids to support them in their choices in years to come OP. They may otherwise grow up thinking they can't please their mother by being themselves - and I know how that feels. Put some foot down somewhere along the line, eh? Walking on eggshells? Can't make omelette without breaking eggs.