Is it me?

LegacyUser

So I'm single...again...trying to figure out why so many failed relationships behind me. In a bit of a 'can't see the wood for the trees' place.
I honestly can't tell if I'm just not good at being in a relationship, or if I pick the wrong people, i.e. bad matches, or if they're not good at being in relationships. If it's something I'm doing wrong I'd like to know so I can work on it. How on earth can I figure out if it;s my issue or not?

LegacyUser

Ah that actually gave me a bit of a giggle at least!
I used to be very quantity over quality but lately not so much. I've had 2 short term relationships in the last few years. I suppose I am somewhat picky, but maybe picky about the wrong things.
I do worry that I change when I'm in a relationship, become a bit needy and have very particular expectations. It's strange because I do have a pretty active social life, I'm quite a busy person.
I definitely am going to take some time out from the whole scene. I'm tired of it, tired of failed relationships, but also tired of being the only singleton on nights out, tired of living with annoying housemates. I think I feel quite ready to settle down, but of course, life doesn't work out that way!

Augme

It can be difficult to figure out if the issue is you, and to even accept it is. Do you have any good friends who would give you an honest answer? Look at why each of your relationships has failed and figure out why they failed and what could/would you have changed or done differently.

CaraMay wrote: »

It's not you. Even Freddie west found a wife so there is someone for everyone.

I don't really think this patronising attitude is going to be of any benefit. Plenty of people have never married or found "the one" so the line about there being someone for everyone is a lot bull tbh.

sibeen99

I know the feeling, could've written that post myself. It can get down heartening at times. Hang in there and hopefully one day it'll happen. I've decided for now to focus on myself, spend more time with family and friends and enjoy being single (this part can be more difficult at Christmas when it seems everyone has that someone special in their lives)

Don't give up just yet

CaraMay

I wasn't patronizing.

LegacyUser

Augme, I know what you mean, I don't believe in soulmates or someone for everyone, but I didn't take offence to Caramay's comment, took it in a much more lighthearted way!

That's not bad advice (albeit scary!) to ask a friend, I have one friend I think I'd feel comfortable being totally honest with.

Thanks Sibeen. I'm surprisingly okay. I know these posts probably suggest otherwise! I'm not long out of the last relationship so still very upset, I miss him like crazy. But I am quite good at being single. I'm laying fairly low at the moment to lick my wounds but in the new year I'll deffo be getting out and about more

Conor Bourke

CaraMay wrote: »

I wasn't patronizing.

It wasn't your intention, but that's how it came across.

Hi OP, it can be tough to find yourself single again when you don't want to be.. But it's impossible for us to tell if the problem is you or the people you've been with, we really know nothing about either. It can definitely be one, or the other, or both.

Are you on good terms with an ex and could you potentially talk to them about what issues they may have had (if you believe it's you that's the problem)?

Also, try a close friend that you think can be trusted to tell you the harsh truth (if it's there to be told).

Lastly, if all else fails and you find yourself in a bit of a rut, you might want to try talking to a professional, not because you have any issues in particular, regardless of whether you think you need it or not (ignore the stigma of it if you can) but they might help you to identify what issues there might be that you have yet to uncover. There's certainly no harm in it.

Good luck OP.

CaraMay

Loop Zoop wrote: »

It wasn't your intention, but that's how it came across.

Ok loop ill take your word on that do sorry op.

What I meant was that there's no point changing your self in the hope you meet someone as the very reason someone doesn't like you might be the very reason the next person might like you. You only change for yourself. I do believe there's someone for everyone but it doesn't always mean it turns into a fàiry tale. The best thing you can do is make yourself happy and tysts more sttractuve than anything.

LegacyUser

Space flunky..you read my mind! I actually did ask an ex recently, we're still good friends. He disagreed that I'm too needy, but then we did have a brilliant relationship. The last few have been..not so good.

Caramay, I completely get where you're coming from, it's not that I would want to change my personality, more so if everyone I ever dated thought I was too jealous then that would be something I would need to look at.

I actually have gone to a therapist before, and worked through quite a few of my issues, I'm unsure if some are still lingering though.

I'll put it this way, I'm not the most easy going person in the world, I can be difficult at times. I can have high expectations, but equally I am very loyal and considerate person, I will always go the extra mile for close friends and family. So not everyone likes me, but those who do tend to think highly of me. If that makes sense!

In the wake of my most recent break up, I'm now questioning if my expectations are TOO high, or if I'm needy when it comes to relationships. I always felt I was quite far down on his list of priorities, but in his mind this was me being demanding. he even mentioned he was afraid to cancel plans on me because I'd get mad. This really surprised me, I didn't think I was so scary! But I suppose I am quite a stickler for plans, I don't really see the point of making plans if someone is going to regularly cancel.

He also thought I didn't trust him, as I was quite upset about him telling me he fancied all his colleagues. I did trust him, I just found this hurtful, but maybe that's an overreaction too?

Sorry that these posts are coming out quite garbled, I'm still trying to get it straight in my own head.

CaraMay

Your ex sounds like a bit off an ass op. Who tells their gf they fancy all the girls at work? I would be annoyed if someone regularly cancelled plans too. Don't best yourself up.