Family Accusations

LegacyUser

To give a little bit of background, myself and my partner have been together now for over 6 years and are close to settling down in the near future. Things have not always been easy as there has always been tension between one of my family members and my partner, for a variety of reasons owing to past events. This has of course made the relationship between my partner and family strained but nothing I wasn't willing to deal with to keep both sides happy. Things recently seemed to be going smoothly between them, until recently.

On a night out with family and my partner (the first in years), there were accusations from two extended family members (one is my sisters partner) that my partner was acting inappropriately with an individual when I was not there(holding hands, feeling up), this was only told to me at the end of the night. By that time, they had already informed my partner that they saw what had happened and would tell me. Of course this was not taken well and my partner left without informing me, while I waited for my partner outside to get a taxi (the place was very busy and was closing time). It was only at this point that I was told of these accusations.

This has put me through hell and back if I'm honest, I feel I am simply stuck in the middle here and despite wanting to know the truth, I feel a real sense of betrayal on my part if I'm to just blindly take their word (I do and always have trust my partner). That said I'm confused as to why they would make accusations like that for a number of reasons: (A) I was in the same vicinity as them most of the night and find it hard to believe my partner would do something like that, never mind with me being in the same place. (B) Having said that they don't seem to have anything to gain by making such accusations (unless they genuinely dislike her enough to fabricate something like that). I'm not stupid and am aware that by definition, one side is of course lieing but there is simply no way of being able to know. And even were I to make my mind up, it will cause massive problems either way. I love my partner and can genuinely see our future but with this thrown into the mix, I know the relationship between them and my family will never be the same, which really upsets me.

I guess I'm just looking for some impartial advice as to where to go next and how to deal with this mess. I feel all normality in my life, which took a long time to establish given the huge amount of problems I've had in life, has been stripped from me and will never return. Many thanks for reading this and any subsequent advice.

LegacyUser

This is a tough one OP. Really feel for you!

Just wondering how you would feel about getting the 2 of them in a room together and kind of have it out? Not to say that you don't believe either one of them, but that in my opinion would at least root out any confusion? Yes it may cause arguments, but it has to be better than what is currently happening now?

Maybe the accuser isn't lying per se, but maybe they saw something that could have been entirely innocent? Maybe they were drunk and thought they saw something that they think is sinister?

Or maybe your partner is indeed lying?

It's very difficult to say in a situation like this, I think you need to sit down with your partner and the accuser(s) and let everyone speak in a calm manner.

Wish you the best!

ManOfMystery

First off, what was your partner's response to you when it was raised?

jennyhayes123

Why did they not get on before all this

intheclouds

Your partner is the person you are planning a future with.

The only relevant question for you here is this - do you trust your partner?

What was your partners response to the accusations? I do find it strange that she would just leave without you.

What about the other person who she was supposedly feeling up or being felt up by - is this someone you know?

What is the background and why is there tension between your family and your partner?

Tigger99

I'd be worried about why she left without you upon being accused of that. Surely if she was innocent she'd just laugh it off or else be pissed off with them and say it to you. But her leaving doesn't add up.

LegacyUser

I've talked to my partner for the first time since it happened. The family members involved were never particularly warm to her for whatever reason and she felt she would be shouted down not only by them but also me with no way to defend herself. I reassured her that had she come to me to talk about it in the first place, it could have been dealt with then and there. From speaking to her, it is clear she knows that in and of itself was a mistake but absolutely denies anything happened and is of course hugely upset as I am with the whole situation. I'm not a jealous person in general so even if it had happened (which I personally don't believe) I don't think this would warrant completely ending what we have.

The issue my partner has with my older sibling dates back to 5 years ago when this particular sibling drove a wedge between us purposely (in their own words) to "protect" me as Inwas going through a tough time. This resulted in me really resenting my sibling and not seeing my partner for over a year. While they have both made efforts to reconcile in recent times, I feel it is has and always will be a problem between them and will affect the relationship between my partner and my family.

That said I feel I can't let this run on any longer and have asked all involved if we could talk calmly between us to try and find some middle ground. While I don't want to end this relationship, I also don't want to have a massive falling out with the family over this.

PearlJ

We went through something similar with a family member. Anyone who voiced a concern about her partner was shunned. It took years for her to see exactly what we were trying to protect her from.
The fact is, your family wouldn't be doing this if they weren't worried about you. They just want to see you with someone who is faithful and respects you.
It speaks volumes that your partner left without you and didn't at least try to defend herself.

I would look very closely at this relationship if I were you.

PressRun

What were your family trying to "protect" you from all those years ago? You're an adult. You should realy be able to look after yourself without siblings getting in the middle of your personal relationships, even if it is well intentioned. Personally, I wouldn't take to kindly to that kind of thing from my own siblings. I'd see it as interfering.

I'd wonder whether they're renewing the attempts to drive a wedge between you both.

deisemum

Not all siblings have another sibling's best interests at heart, some siblings are prize **** stirrers and love nothing more than causing trouble.

OP you've posted that your family members involved never really warmed to her, if that's the case then they've never really given your girlfriend a fair chance and she'll never be treated fairly by them and it doesn't surprise me that they could be up to driving a wedge between you and your girlfriend to see her off, after all it worked before.

It all boils down to whether you trust your girlfriend or not. Your family should back off and if down the line things don't work out for you and your girlfriend and your family are proven right it's still your relationship that they should butt out of unless asked for advice.

LegacyUser

I don't get it at all. The way I've read your posts, either your family are truly nasty sh*t stirrers, or there is something going on with your partner. I just can't think of a middle ground.

I know you've said that they didn't warm to her - but why? It might be very pertinent to this thread.

The way your family have behaved is so odd that I'm almost inclined to believe they're in the right, especially as it seems to be a few family members, not just one nutter with a problem with your partner.

All I can think of is that your partner cheated on you before, and your family are ultra-sensitive to her being flirty & chatting to guys she barely knows.

I think you need to clarify a lot more if you want any useful advice.

HelgaWard

Do you know who the individual is your girlfriend was supposed to be holding hands with etc, could you ask him? Although if I hated my brother's girlfriend and saw her acting inappropriately I would video/photography it, knowing that this would be the only way to prove it to my brother. I would also talk to my brother about it, ie get him over to see for himself, or go to him first rather than the girlfriend.

Very difficult situation Op, I don't envy you.