Does my boyfriend drink too much?

LegacyUser

How much is too much? Over the past 10 days my other half has is after having at least 2 drinks per day out of 8 days (the days he didn't drink are because he wanted a bottle of wine one of those days but I asked him not to, the other he was working early the next morning so he didn't have a drink), some days a bottle of wine, others a few pints, some days it might just be 2 beers or 3 glasses of wine. He will sit downstairs and drink by himself. He turns to drink if we have an argument. If we go out he will always need to have a drink or 2 the next day to "settle himself" The past 10 days are just an example, this is a regular occurrence. Some weeks aren't as bad as bad as others. I've just tried to bring it up with him in a civil conversation but he is after losing the rag and doesn't see that he drinks too much. His response was "2 pints of Guinness, a bottle of wine and 2 cans of Orchard Thieves is not excessive" (he had 2 pints of Guinness in a pub on our way home from a days shopping, the majority of the wine and the Orchard Thieves he drank whilst sitting downstairs by himself as I went to bed at 11pm). Tried to explain about the previous few days but he's not listening.

Am I in the wrong here and is that normal behaviour or is it excessive drinking? In no way does his drinking affect his work.

LegacyUser

I remember making a load of excuses for a man I was in a relationship with...

That's his lifestyle
He has a large circle of friends
There's a football match
There's a rugby match
It's a festival
It's a party
It's a 40th
It's his best mates party
It's his cousins wedding
It's our culture
It's society
It's a Friday night
It's the weekend
Bad day in work
It's Monday
It's just a few drinks
He is in a bad mood
He is in a good mood
I don't drink as much because....
I just don't have as much time as him


When you are questioning it, there's a problem.

intheclouds

That he loses the rag and can't have a civil conversation about it says a lot.

It's never really the absolute quantity of alcohol or even how often the person drinks that's the problem, it's how the "use" it. Using drink to "settle" yourself, using drink after an argument, using drink to sit up late alone consuming it, not listening when you try to explain your worries. Well, when I state it like that it doesn't sound good does it?

You can't control another persons drinking, all you can do is control your own behaviour and response to it.

My advice is to go to Alanon where you will learn the tools to cope with someone else's drinking. Your own behaviour will change as a result and that may change his. Or it may not, but that's neither here nor there. Either way, you will know how to cope and how to do what's best for you.

LegacyUser

Do you know whether anything has sparked this bout of drinking? It sounds like a new development.

About a year ago I was temporarily not required in work, and because they didn't stop paying me, I sat at home for about two months and I'd say I drank every night of the week. Often a bottle of wine per night. Often more. I was staying active and engaged with people, but it was the sheer boredom in the evenings, along with having a generally anxious personality, that sparked the drinking. If anyone had suggested AlAnon, I'd have been extremely embarrassed and even angry, because I really didn't have a drinking problem. I was just bored and anxious.

My point is, excessive drinking might be short-term reaction to some stress your boyfriend experiencing. Hopefully that's 'all' it is.

Is there anything causing your boyfriend anxiety?

Pawwed Rig

If it is affecting his behaviour or how he functions in life then it is a problem regardless of the quantity. From your OP however I do not see any evidence of this. One or 2 a day is actually considered a healthy way to drink. Much better than binge drinking in 1 session.

Yakkyda

I'm an alcoholic meself(self admittedly, I know what I am, I don't drink everyday of the week, but if I drink, it's 6pintsmcans min most of the time. ) my brother is too. He drinks far more than me(chef) but it never affects his work tbh. It doesn't sound to bad, but it's very very easy to slip into everyday excess. I think your oh is maybe borderline, but if it's causing stress in your relationship it's an issue.

Higher functioning alcoholic is the term I think. I personally wouldn't think it's excessive if it's not affecting his work when work suffers, it's a problem. Also with a relationship. It's a tricky one and I'm sorry I can't offer any advice. I hope yis can work through it.

desertcircus

Drinkstoomuch? wrote: »

How much is too much? Over the past 10 days my other half has is after having at least 2 drinks per day out of 8 days (the days he didn't drink are because he wanted a bottle of wine one of those days but I asked him not to, the other he was working early the next morning so he didn't have a drink), some days a bottle of wine, others a few pints, some days it might just be 2 beers or 3 glasses of wine. He will sit downstairs and drink by himself. He turns to drink if we have an argument. If we go out he will always need to have a drink or 2 the next day to "settle himself" The past 10 days are just an example, this is a regular occurrence. Some weeks aren't as bad as bad as others. I've just tried to bring it up with him in a civil conversation but he is after losing the rag and doesn't see that he drinks too much. His response was "2 pints of Guinness, a bottle of wine and 2 cans of Orchard Thieves is not excessive" (he had 2 pints of Guinness in a pub on our way home from a days shopping, the majority of the wine and the Orchard Thieves he drank whilst sitting downstairs by himself as I went to bed at 11pm). Tried to explain about the previous few days but he's not listening.

Am I in the wrong here and is that normal behaviour or is it excessive drinking? In no way does his drinking affect his work.

Two cans of Guinness, two cans of Orchard Thieves and a whole bottle of wine is about sixteen to eighteen units in a single day. The recommended upper limit for an adult male is 21 units in a week. The recommended daily limit is four units. His alcohol consumption is excessive, and any healthcare professional would tell him so. The behaviour you're describing is not that of a person with a healthy attitude to alcohol consumption. He drinks four times the recommended daily maximum and doesn't even regard it as unusual.

meeeeh

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

If it is affecting his behaviour or how he functions in life then it is a problem regardless of the quantity. From your OP however I do not see any evidence of this. One or 2 a day is actually considered a healthy way to drink. Much better than binge drinking in 1 session.

The guidelines are 3-4 units for men daily. A 0.75 bottle of wine has 10.5. Frankly anyone who is guzzling down any alcohol they can find alone in the evening is on the shortcut to alcoholism regardless how much they drink in one sitting.

Pawwed Rig

meeeeh wrote: »

The guidelines are 3-4 units for men daily

But the OP does not outline excessive drinking other than the 1 day where he had the wine and cider and to be honest listening to some of the chat from the younger guys I work with her bfs alcohol consumption would be fairly moderate. The big point is that it is not affecting his life or his relationships other than to the point where the OP is worried about him. Unless there is something I missed in this thread??

Drinking alone is a personal choice. I often watch a movie and have a couple of beers on my own. Can't see how it is a short cut to alcoholism.

meeeeh

He needs a drink after an argument. That is using drink as a crutch.

Pawwed Rig

meeeeh wrote: »

He needs a drink after an argument. That is using drink as a crutch.

The OP never said that though? The word need was not used with respect to their arguing so reading it in is a misrepresentation.

Eric Cartman

the quantity isn't worrying, if he was a college student id call that light drinking , if he's under 30 id say its standard enough. The drinking alone is a little concerning and using it as a crutch after an argument certainly is.

would I say he has a problem - no
would I say the using it as a crutch could turn into a problem - yes.

might be worth him talking to a professional about dealing with problems, but I wouldn't be sending him to AA anytime soon.

meeeeh

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

The OP never said that though? The word need was not used with respect to their arguing so reading it in is a misrepresentation.

To quote OP:

He will sit downstairs and drink by himself. He turns to drink if we have an argument.

Pawwed Rig

And???

Where is 'need' there. He may do it as he knows it annoys her. Be careful reading in things that may not be there.

meeeeh

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

And???

Where is 'need' there. He may do it as he knows it annoys her. Be careful reading in things that may not be there.

Oh come on.

Look it's fine, you think that his consumption is fine I think he is using drink as a crutch.

I actually come from a family where wine was drank every day. We would drink it with main meal, a unit or two per person. I would still do that but my partner doesn't drink that often and the bottle would go off before I would drink it. However I also had two grandfathers who both needed a drink to relax. They weren't drunk every day but that doesn't mean they didn't have a problem. I'm not saying op's partner is an alcoholic but he's the prime candidate to become one.

Augme

Doesn't really matter what other people think. If it's a problem for you then it's a problem. I couldn't live with someone you describe. He sounds a bit immature and his relationship with drink would be too annoying. At this stage it seems unlikely he's going to change so you now need to decide if you're happy to keep going the way things are.

intheclouds

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

The OP never said that though? The word need was not used with respect to their arguing so reading it in is a misrepresentation.

He turns to drink after an argument and needs a drink or two after a night out to "settle himself".

He loses the rag if it is brought up and he has consumed alcohol 8 days out of 10, on at least one of those days skating up close to the the maximum number of WEEKLY units recommended for men just in one day.

I dont know how familiar you are with alcoholism or alcoholics but I can promise you - the above IS a problem. Ask any health care professional. The sheer quantity and frequency is more than is healthy and the reasons for drinking are also a worry. Drinking alone isnt a good plan either despite claims that one or two beers are grand with a movie - that misses the context of what is being described spectacularly.

Part of the problem with alcohol abuse in this country is the cultural attitude of minimising real problems.

Shrap

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

to be honest listening to some of the chat from the younger guys I work with her bfs alcohol consumption would be fairly moderate.

Maybe! Considering we're a country full of alcoholics in denial. Many, many thousands of people in Ireland drink every day and probably have a dependency, but would totally and categorically deny being alcoholic. We have this attitude that it's not a problem because everyone is doing it. Aside from the significant health risks and financial stupidity, in many cases that's true. We're masters at holding our drink and for the most part, we're funny drunks not messy drunks.

However, in answer to the OP's question "Does my boyfriend drink too much?", yes is the answer. If it's a personal issue for her that he does, then she should consider her options. Trying to change her bf's attitude to drink in this society (when if he's not actually getting "drunk" every day or causing mental/financial hardship) would more than likely be a waste of time. The other options are to ignore the drinking, or leave him and find a bf who doesn't drink so much.

zeffabelli

Well it sounds like there is a dependency, whether its full blown addiction hard to say...

People can go through phases where they need the booze for emotional bubble wrap...to lean on for periods of anxiety or who knows...

I think also its contextual, wine with meals is a different kettle of fish because its ritualised and part of a social cohesion, another kind of drinking can lead to alienation and isolation and then it's a bit different.

One of those grey murky areas....

But I'd read for now as a signal that he is very stressed about something...