Alone, lonely, and not sure what to do.

LegacyUser

Like the title says, I am not sure where to go or what to do.
Firstly, I am male, older(60), five years after a long term relationship ended. I have no friends - I had a few when in the relationship but they all seem to have dropped me. I do have children who are all abroad and, while i do talk about every forthnight, I can't really talk to them about how lonely life is for me.

I live in a fairly isolated area , a few neighbours who i hardly see. Days would go by when i wouldn't even talk to anyone. Then i will go to the shop just to make human contact.

In the last year or so, I have gone between wanting to do something about it and just giving up on life. I am writing this after a very bad couple of weeks and I seem to be coming around again to do something about it. But i am not sure what I can do.

I have never been good at making contact. When I was younger I make contact through penfriend or contact ads in papers but they seem to have disappeared. And the internet seems to be made up of contact sites for young people only but maybe I am missing the more relevant ones.

I know I need some human contact in my life - not necessarily a relationship at my age, but something more than I have now. I don't know if anyone has gone through this and can offer any advice. Clubs and volunteering don't work, at least for me, but I have tried both.

Thanks for reading .

Hemerodrome

Any chance there's a Men's Shed near you? Can't post a link, sorry.

miamee

Hemerodrome wrote: »

Any chance there's a Men's Shed near you? Can't post a link, sorry.

http://menssheds.ie/
There you go.

OP, how come clubs and volunteering didn't work for you? They'd provide some human contact at least - more than you'd get buying a loaf of bread anyway

Do you have the option to make a drastic move like selling up and moving to a more populated area?

Volunteering or any meet ups will at least give you a reason to be in town, around people and perhaps find out about more things happening that would interest you. You won't find out about them by staying at home. You're still young enough to get yourself up and out, assuming there's nothing stopping you doing that like an illness or disability.

Perhaps take up a new hobby? My dad is a couple of years older than yourself and plays golf several times a week as well as bowls in the summer. Through playing those he has made friends and new contacts in the clubs, playing matches, fundraising for the clubs etc.

Perhaps making plans to travel to visit where your children now live would be a good focus at the moment too?

You have plenty of options to explore, if things seem a bit overwhelming start with small changes and see how you get on

Addle

lonelyman wrote:

In the last year or so, I have gone between wanting to do something about it and just giving up on life.

They're your options.
Only you can make the change.
Be proactive.

DoozerT6

miamee wrote: »

http://menssheds.ie/
There you go.


Do you have the option to make a drastic move like selling up and moving to a more populated area?

Perhaps making plans to travel to visit where your children now live would be a good focus at the moment too?

You have plenty of options to explore, if things seem a bit overwhelming start with small changes and see how you get on

Definitely consider the above points, lonelyman

I know you mentioned volunteering - if you're anywhere near Dublin, you could contact Alone and volunteer as a befriender with them - there are many older people who are as lonely, if not lonelier than yourself, with nobody to talk to. At 60, you're still a spring chicken and if you're fit, healthy, and have your own transport there's lot you could do to make other people's lives a little brighter, and at the same time giving your own life some purpose and feel like you're making a difference.

Even if you're not near Dublin, I would imagine that any local charity, be it human or animal-based, would be glad of an extra hand, specially if you're available during weekdays when many other volunteers are at their own jobs. Something that takes a regular commitment might benefit you, whatever it may be.

Is there a choir (church or non-religious/competitive based, depending on what you like), local amateur dramatics group or something you could join? If you're retired, is there any possibility of a part-time job?

Loneliness can be very disheartening, and I wish you all the best. Even in a city like Dublin, getting up the motivation to get out and do things can be hard to muster, so I do get where you're coming from.

Good luck.

Neyite

OP, I appreciate that it's only virtual interaction but there is an Oulwans 'n Oulfellas forum here where there would be other members younger and older than you chatting away. A lot of forums have occasional meet-ups so O&O might too.

I think its really good that you are recognising that something needs to change - if you are able bodied, maybe have a car, and a bit of spare time, you could volunteer with organisations that help the elderly, or the homeless. Doing helpful or kind things for others who need it more can feel lovely.

Someone I know was widowed a few years ago and wouldn't really be one for social groups and the like, so they travel as much as they can out of their pension, especially during the dark winter months. They are currently doing a long haul trip, and had two european get-aways since September, they are happy to set off on their own but a few relatives usually go once they hear a trip is planned. Would travel interest you?

Some men in my neighbourhood around your age have formed a boot camp of some sort, I regularly see them in the local park getting fit, and presumably having a bit of craic too. It's really about finding something you like to do that might translate into finding people with similar interests to chat to.

bilbot79

Book clubs are good. Hardly anything to do with the book actually. I think the biggest factor is that you take action instead of sitting in your comfort zone alone

fussyonion

Definitely consider the Men's Sheds, OP.

My Uncle was really on a downer for a quite a long time since his wife died and had nothing to do most days.
Since joining his local Men's Shed, his life's changed.
He goes a few times a week, has a cuppa and a chat, helps build things, gets things made himself and it's really done him the world of good.

He made a few good mates, too, and they're all off on a fishing weekend when the season starts back up.
It's worth a shot and it's free too.

LegacyUser

I really appreciate all the replies. Thanks for taking the time.

Just some more background. I do volunteer work and I am in a club and I have taken classes. And I agree that they are all important and do add to the total of human contact.
But, most, possibly all, of the people I have met are there for a specific reason, not to make friends. So I do interact with people in this way but it is only on the surface. I do appreciate though that that is something.

I am planning on travelling in the next few months, money permitting. I was away over the summer and met one of my children. I have no problem travelling on my own .

Like I said originally, I am not good at meeting people, I tend to be retiring and quite. I suppose . Maybe this is just one of those dark times and things will look better in a few weeks time.

Thanks again

Rubberchikken

hi op
it's great that you're involved in activities in your area and i agree that there not always the best way to make friends. people tend to be there for a purpose i guess.
Alone do a befriending service that matches people who will call to the elderly in their homes and it's a great way to make contact/friendships if you are interested.
the travelling sounds great and i hope it works out. good luck

LegacyUser

Thanks for that.
I suppose what I really miss in my life is the relationship i had.
Tomorrow I will go into town and I will talk to a few people. I have booked a weekend away for a couple of weeks time so i have that to look forward to. But I had a partner all my life and I find it incredibly lonely not to have someone close to me anymore.

Thanks again for all the replies

Shrap

lonelyman wrote: »

I had a partner all my life and I find it incredibly lonely not to have someone close to me anymore.

Dude, my heart goes out to you. There's a lot of lonely people out there who's partners have gone from them and that does bring some dark days for sure. But you're vocalising your loss (even if just online) and that's a good thing because it makes it something real, that you can face into and tackle head-on.

I think you should take the bull by the horns and put it up to yourself a bit more. You seem to be articulate, wanting to talk and friendly (never mind quiet! that's a nice trait!) and to be honest, a lot of folks up online here must be similar or they wouldn't be talking on a discussion forum so much. What is stopping you from talking more either up here, or in a club/volunteering capacity? You say those places don't suit you for companionship because you weren't there to make friends......well, that to me rings a few alarm bells, namely, you were stopping yourself from getting too involved. A nice friendly person like yourself would have to hold themselves back from getting to know people, wherever you met them. Am I right?

Yes, you live in an isolated area. So do many in Ireland, that's not unusual. Getting out requires huge effort, especially in the evening and especially if you're not a pub goer. But I'll bet you anything that there's walking clubs, retirement clubs, drama clubs, adult education to learn something new.....any amount of things locally that making a small effort for (usually during the day) would get you in with other folk who are there for similar reasons. But you've shied away from these people for some reason.......what's the reason? Whatever the reason, it doesn't sound like it's working for you lonelyman. You might want to look at it a bit.

Go find some more life for yourself - and turn nothing down (that's the important bit).

Dellnum

You have to get out and join clubs and classes whether you like them or not, as it is the only way you will meet people. Sitting at home won't work. It takes time to form friendships and it won't be done in a week. You could join a dating agency on the net for your age group. Best of luck.