Just can't rouse myself

LegacyUser

It's time I did something and maybe this can be the first step.

Everyone has their personal disasters, I get that, but I just can't seem to shake myself and move.

During the boom I had a flying business, a beautiful girlfriend whom I loved dearly, a family I saw often, and regular outings with friends. Life was good.

But I had mental health issues. I am a manic depressive since I was 17. It's all built around low self-esteem and I tend to place perfectionistic demands on myself and others.

The boomtimes ended and there was very little work. I decided I would go back to college and get a high flyer degree. I was chasing some idea of gaining status. I began to get stupid, hanging around with younger people I seemed to lose my grip on reality, seemed to regress in time and my desires followed suit. I ended my relationship and basically embraced juvenile college life, I would struggle back and forth between my old life and new life reading textbooks and acting foolish for the affections of women ten years younger than me, which caused a lot of grief.

Slowly I went broke, and when finished college moved to the UK as there were no prospects. I put my head down and worked for next to nothing way beyond what was asked of me, thinking it would get me places, but no. I returned to Ireland briefly for a few months but couldn't get work, found all of my friends of old had moved on, into relationships and other things. My family had all dispersed also, in short I felt like a ghost of yesteryear walking around the places I grew up. I availed of work in the UK and left again.
My ex has never left my thoughts over the past 7 years. So much so that I fell out with one of my family members over her. Truth is I deeply regret pushing her away. Something just always stopped me from getting back in touch, I think it was the stupid idea in my head promising that the next new challenge would bring new opportunities for love into my life. And in truth there were many opportunities and a few relationships but nothing compared to what we had had.
Anyway I sent her a Valentines card last February. Heard nothing. Sent her a facebook message recently, nothing. Sent some pictures from old, nothing. I don't think she's married or anything, but maybe in a relationship.
I met an old mentor when I was in Ireland whom I had known when I was a teenager, and he said to me that I had totally changed, that the team captain of old was very far behind his peers, to cop myself on, snap out of it, and go grab someone before it's too late. His words really scared me, but I'm just totally stuck, just miss the closeness and trust and attraction we had very much.
I don't know how much longer I'll keep running away thinking things will change and I'll fall into love with someone else. It's the one problem I can't fix and I'm ashamed of that. I let her down so much and I just want to put things back and have a normal life with her.
I'm aware that I probably am not letting myself enjoy life and take advantage of opportunities and try with someone else, but I just can't seem to break out of it. Spending years alone with strangers can wear you down.
Wondering if anyone can relate or could help me to be strong again.

missjm

Well, first off, stop sending your ex girlfriend messages. By not replying she's been pretty clear she's not interested and just leave it at that. You yourself need to focus on the present and the future and not the past. Everybody moves on, you lose some friends, keep some but generally drift apart to some degree. From what I'm reading, you seem to be unsure of what you want to do and have a desire for your old life back. That's not going to happen as it's in the past.

Focus on what you want to achieve, where you'd like to be. Set yourself some short term goals so it doesn't seem out of grasp. Join a few clubs of things that interest you so you meet like minded people and start developing new friendships. What you're old mentor said to you, I wouldn't pay much attention to. It's not good advise to 'go grab somebody before it's too late'. First off, it's never too late. Secondly, you need to be comfortable and happy in yourself before you enter into any relationship and right now you don't come across that way.

Try to take the above advise but most of all - go easy on yourself. You seem to be overthinking a lot and blaming yourself a lot. We all do tihngs in life that we regret and we all wish we could go back and change them. We can't, but we can learn from them and grow from them.

Idle Passerby

I think your looking at your previous relationship with rose tinted specs because the rest of your life hasnt panned out the way you'd hoped. She obviously has no interest in renewing contact with you.
Sending the valentine card and old pictures as a way to renew contact was disengenious in my opinion. Your attempting to jump back in where you left off 7 years ago without even any preliminary platonic reconcection. Its transparent that you are licking your own wounds, not asking how she is or what shes doing with her life.
Try to build yourself back up again. Your ex has moved on with her life by now, shes not the answer to your unhappiness.

bilbot79

Your ex just represents to you what a wholesome Sunday dinner at your mums place represents after being on a 7 day bender. Unfortunately even if you did get back with her you'd just get bored and dump her again.

Yearning for what you had before is not the answer, you need to reinvent yourself

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies. To be honest I was expecting the type of advice given. I've heard it a thousand times but I just struggle with it.

I've been a manic depressive for over 20 years, I am managing it ok as I have worked hard at it. I suppose this is really a result of a current dip in mood.

Idle Passerby, I didn't know how else to contact her, it's not like I'd be in Ireland just walking down the street and bump into her, I'm a bit peed off now that it could have appeared insincere. It also has my brain doing overtime that I can fix it and be more genuine... I just don't want to accept she's gone for good. I did ask after her but when there was nothing I presumed that was it, and a part of me thought well she'd probably like the (two) photos for future reminiscings sake.

I don't see her as a fix for unhappiness, I know how hard I would need to work to mend things and help her to love me again. Rationally speaking, I am much stronger now than I was back then, I'm just still crazy about her, and yes I do regret breaking her heart. But MissJM you're right, I need to get back out there and expand my opportunities again. As I said, I basically busied myself for years with work and stuff but the time just eked away and in that time I guess her feelings sailed. I should mention there were times over the years when she expressed interest in renewing things (through friends)... but I just didn't. Ya don't know what ya got til it's gone.