introducing new partner

poppy_crystal

Hi,

how long should one wait before introducing a new parter to kids? How much say can the ex husband have (unamicable separation, not a very nice man, control freak, emotional abuse etc). separation took a few years, which only got finalised at the start of this year but the marriage was over a long time before he agreed to let it end. I fell into a relationship with a friend a bit afterwards and while all is going absolutely brilliantly i'm starting to think about telling the kids if my new partner is ready to do that. my ex however wants me to be alone and miserable for the rest of my days so is posing a difficulty as always!
What to do?

Sleepy

Your ex has no real say in it tbh.

I'd be in favour of waiting until a relationship was solid before introducing partners to the kids. How long this is, I can't tell you and tbh, neither can anyone else. For some, it can mean waiting a year, for others a couple of months. I've never thought it a good idea to introduce kids to a string of partners though so IMO, once you know it's a long-term relationship, rather than one that has the potential to be a long-term relationship then it's time to make introductions.

zeffabelli

I think you should talk to him and give him a lot of reassurance.

However, before doing that, I think you should do your best to reduce resentment first if there is still acrimony.

So step 1. Reduce resentment. Make ammends. This might take time...as in a year or so.

Step 2. When you have established peace.... prepare him for your boyfriends presence in his childrens lives. Frankly this is only courtesy as whomever you choose as a partner will be their primary male role model, especially if you have sons.

If he is not on board you are putting everything at risk and looking at trouble.

superstepmom2b

How old are your children and how long have you been living apart? If this has not been at least a year living apart and your children are young or teens I wouldn't introduce a new boyfriend just yet. They are likely to be still coming to terms themselves with their parents being seperated. I'm in a relationship with a man who is seperated and he introduced me to his daughter far too early. She was very young and was fine I was introduced as daddy's friend. His ex however went spare. And we've had all sorts of problems as a result of that for a long time. After the initial introduction it was close to a year before I.could be there on his access days (she would refuse access if I was there).

So in my view having been the new partner I would advise not introducing a new boyfriend until your at least a year seperated... Living separately and with your partner at least 6mts to a year. What's the rush? I know your very happy which is great to see after a painful seperation but you have to think of your children. And a lot of emotions will be stirred up if you bring a new man into the house. They will feel like dad is being replaced. When you do introduce them I would introduce as your friend at first. Get him.to bump into you all somewhere and then gradually build up time and the introduction. Regardless of how you feel about your ex you need to set that aside. I would tell him you plan on telling the children after x amount of time about the new partner and also how you will introduce them. And ask that when he finds a new partner he does the same.
I also wouldn't have your new partner stay over for quite a few months until your children know him well enough.and I would discuss all of this with the ex. He may or may not agree with it but at least you are taking his feelings into consideration and more importantly the children

Good luck with the new relationship and also introducing him to your children.

Remember... Regardless their happiness comes above yours and your ex husbands and how you feel towards each other needs to be set aside when it comes to them

poppy_crystal

i'll be living apart a year shortly after xmas, i'm legally separated over 2 years, marriage ended long before that, it will be 9 months with new partner after xmas, kids are 6 and 10 and pestering me to get a boyfriend because they are worried that when they are at their dads that i'm all on my own and no one to mind me lol! its a catch 22, i dont want to be too invested with a new partner to find that there is a problem between him and the kids cos obviously if it comes down to choosing then there is no choice, i dont think there will be to be honest, my kids are generally good and my partner is very good with kids so it should in theory be fine, its just the unreasonable ex who is going to be the problem because he doesn't like being not in control of everything