Worried I'm just tight

LegacyUser

Xmas rant alert but i seriously need someones opinion. I'm not rich. I'm not poor either. I plod along pay check to pay check, just about at times. I have a hobby. It costs money every month. To afford this I rarely go out drinking, cinema, dinners etc. Its part of my monthly outgoings now. Its not going to kill me, my hobby, in fact it will make sure I'm around for a long time to see my kids get really old so I can annoy their backsides!! I also quit smoking! I also have kids, these kids need presents and as their only parent I pay for that too - out of the same sized paycheck I get every month, that as previously stated I just about survive on.

Now I also have siblings, adults, who think I should give up my hobby in order to be fair and buy "a good gift" - one that costs more in other words for one of them. Now don't get me wrong here. I buy great gifts, thoughtful or useful, never just random purchases I really think about them. On the other hand I can't always afford presents-at other times of the year or different occasions. I do my best but I can't make something out of nothing. Sometimes there is just nothing left in the budget, what budget, there's nothing left in the wages!

Turns out my family are rather uptight about gifting! I'm rather uptight about eating or starving. So I'm afraid if its a battle between a gift and food for my kids, guess who wins and guess who ends up the bad guy for not buying a gift. This wouldn't happen at Xmas I'd make sure whoever I'm buying for gets a gift, as well as nieces and nephews, who I think are slightly more important to buy for, I'm not totally heartless! Also if I had it I'd buy them all presents! Id be the first to dole out the lotto win, if I won, if I could afford to do lotto!!!! But the issue now is they want more money spent and think I'm being tight cos I will pay for my hobby but may not be able to pay the amount they want on a present.

Am I being really selfish here? Should I give up my only outlet in life to please my siblings? This is really causing me great stress and I honestly just do not know what to do.

LegacyUser

Xmas ranter wrote: »

Now I also have siblings, adults, who think I should give up my hobby in order to be fair and buy "a good gift" -

How did this come up and what did they actually say? I ask because I find it hard to imagine family members having the brass neck to say something so plain as "give up your hobby, buy us more stuff". Are you positive you haven't just let feelings of guilt turn to into something you're projecting onto your family?

Neyite

When siblings become grown up's and have their own kids, its time to call a halt to the gift-giving to every last person IMO.

I know a family who have a Kris Kringle arrangement for all the adults and a budget of €100. Another family don't give gifts to the adults at all bar chipping in for a present for the grandparents. Some buy for all the kids, not the adults, another family only buy for god children (but it works out that every child has a godparent in the family so they all get one iykwim)
Thankfully my siblings are similarly minded to me and don't expect presents - they too have other things the money could be better spent on.

Gift-giving should be about what you can comfortably afford. To have to modify your life, or give up something when you are already very careful and making ends meet in order to give all your siblings an extravagant present is nuts.

Like you, I have a hobby I love. It keeps me sane, that little bit of me time in the week. I rarely go out, or spend much on myself. I don't get my hair done often or get other beauty treatments and shop in Pennys when I have to. I don't buy takeaway coffees or glossy magazines. So I spend very little on me except for funding my hobby and I'd laugh in the face of anyone who expected me to forgo the last little luxury I enjoy to give them a pricey gift at Christmas.

I'm on your side on this.

intheclouds

Thats just plain weird.

Are you seriously saying that adult siblings have told you how you should be spending your own money?

How would they even know how much or little you spend on your hobby? Its not something Id have a clue of regarding family (or any other adult bar my husband) - Im not privy to the finances of other adults.

I find it exceedingly odd that they would know that much about your finances.
I find it exceedingly odd that on the back of knowing how much money you spend on a hobby, that they would then tell you to be spending that money on them!

Tell them to feck off and that you will spend your money as you please!

LegacyUser

Sounds to me like your family have put a price target on gifts, but the target is above what you can afford. In that case I'd spend what I could afford on a thoughtful gift and if it didn't reach the target then so be it! Tell your siblings to think of the price like the speed limit.. It's the maximum you're allowed go, but it's not a target that you have to aim for! Also suggest to them that the target be lowered so then everyone gets a gift of fairly equal value rather than someone feeling hard done by because they spent €100 but only received €30... (Talk about the "spirit of gift giving"!!)

Point out as a single parent with children your priority has to be your own lives month to month and that it is not reasonable to expect you to give up an activity that is a benefit to you all year round just to be able to give them the gift they think they deserve once a year!! Talk about a sense of entitlement!!!!

If they don't agree to lower the price for everyone, then leave them to it. They'll eventually accept that you don't splash the cash on them. Before I had my own children I was stupid buying for every niece and nephew (on my husband's side.. Not even my own!!) And all crappy little presents, because they were so many of them! When I had my own children my priorities changed. I suggested Kris Kindle or buying for Godchildren as mentioned above. I was told no "my kids love getting loads of presents" :rollseyes: So I just stopped buying for them! I'm sure they were all talking about me, but so what! They still all buy for them all .. Even though many "the kids" are now in their 20s.

Yakkyda

Don't, worry about too much, the fact that you're a little stressed about it, shows that ye aren't tight. Genuinely tight people don't give a rats ass about what people think.
We started doing the Kristen kindle thing a fair few years back, a limit is set, job done. That said, I do get my ma, da, nanny and sisters kids(3) something small aswell. My brother and two sisters don't expect anything from me, I don't expect anything from them either.

Although in the extended family (quite a few kids) the past few years there was a whip around for the kids (€20 or so) the idea behind it being rather than all the adults getting the kids something individually(and then there's a mountain of even more toysl, they get one big item from all the family. I chipped in for a couple of years as I had it(situation much changed since) but now the whip around still happens but everyone's gone back to getting them the little bits and bobs aswell! Defeating the original purpose. I've opted out the past few years as a consequence. I don't think it makes me tight and besides as I'm now outta work I don't really have it. It's not a whole lot tbh, but I don't have much to give either. I too like food in my belly and a warm roof over me head. Leccy for the lights etc is nice too!

If they really want the "good" fitbit or whatever, just give whatever you were going to and tell they can make up the odds themselves. If you haven't got anything to spare, let them know your kids and you come first. They should never make you feel guilty about that ever.

You sound like your doing a cracking job, keep your hobby, give the kiddos the Christmas you want to give them and enjoy it. It'll all blow over. And no, you're not tight!

dori_dormer

My sister likes to put a budget on the gifts we give each other. She's all about spending exactly X amount on a person. I think it's a control issue and also she's decided what's fair and generous, so it makes her feel good. Everyone else agreeing with her also makes her feel good. She likes to be the boss.

I've told her I'll spemd whatever I like on whoever I like. She's put a budget of 50 on siblings. If I see somethign great for 30 that's what she's getting, or 60, it's the way the cookie crumbles. You won't hear her complaining if her gift is over budget!

I can understand when you are teenagers or early 20s and parents want to make sure you're fair so they give a budget but grown adults control their own budgets. Only place I can see it needing to be fair is if you are all contributing to a large gift for one person.

Do your thing, ignore them. You don't give a receipt with your gift so they'll never know.

jimgoose

The siblings in question sound like a bunch of immature berks. What kind of person expects that someone makes any sort of sacrifice like that in order to get them a bloody Christmas present? I'd give 'em short-shrift if I were you.

zoobizoo

What we do with the in our family is put a limit of €40 for a present x number of kids divided by the number of adults.

Eg, €40 x 6 kids / 10 = €24 from each adult. That was agreed upon by the adults who were parents as they didn't want their children getting 10 extra presents that they didn't need.

The adults do a Kris Kindle to the value of €100.

It means that we each only have to spend €124. We can then top it up for God children and maybe getting the parents something.

~Don't give up something as important as a hobby you love for the sake of others' expectations.

ash23

If there's an agreed amount being spent on the gifts, just let them all know that you will only be spending x amount so they should only spend x amount on you.

Originally all of my siblings used to buy for each other with a €50 limit which cost everyone €200. We then agreed to only buy for one with a €100 limit. Myself and one sister were short on cash so agreed to buy for each other with a €50 limit. The following year we agreed the same with a €30 limit.
Things improved and we got back in with the others who had reduced the amount to €50 too and this year we aren't getting any of the siblings presents at all.

Just put your foot down and if they don't agree to the reduced amount, opt out of the presents altogether. They'll get over it.

bp

I dont buy for my siblings, only their children (there are only two). My husband's side on the other hand have a rake of them (18 year's down) and we used to spend 10e per child but that was 100e and we didn't have any kids at the time.

10e didn't get much (especially for the older kids) so we don't buy for his nieces and nephews at all (and they don't buy for ours) - my oh is the youngest by a fair amount so he couldnt afford gifts when they were younger.

You aren't tight, you are a good parent and need your hobby - parents need an outlet too.

Also kids have too much these days - I remember new pjs being a treat :-)

iusedtoknow

There are technically 20 people I need to buy for plus 6 on the wife's side for kings day.

We don't. Our family have a policy of one set of siblings buying for another sets kids and as a joke giving a chocolate bar to the parents. Since we don't have kids, we get the money that would have been spent to go to charity. As a couple we only spend 100 on each other.

For the family in Spain, as it is much smaller we usually give Kings day, and it is usually smaller toys..nothing extravagant - we also buy a leg of Serrano ham for the mother in law. In total we spend around 600 maximum every year.

Gifts at Christmas for us are symbolic, nothing more.

You need to stand up to your family and not even explain why you are doing it. You're not being selfish, spent what you can on Christmas and enjoy your hobby!

HelgaWard

I don't think you sound tight. You sound sensible and responsible, which is exactly how a single parent should be. Honestly tell your siblings that they are being materialistic and shallow and that it is the thought and gesture of a gift that is important not the price tag. I think it is very important that you maintain your hobby. You work for your money and are more than entitled to spend some of it on yourself.

PinkLemonade

Maybe you do spend a ridiculous amount on your hobbies, but as long as there's gifts for your children and parents it's really none of their business, you don't owe your siblings a gift.

Unless your showing up empty handed to their house every Christmas and eating your way through a banquet I don't understand how they have the audacity to question the price Of the gifts you give. Its the rudest thing I've heard on a while.

PressRun

Neyite wrote: »

When siblings become grown up's and have their own kids, its time to call a halt to the gift-giving to every last person IMO.

I know a family who have a Kris Kringle arrangement for all the adults and a budget of €100. Another family don't give gifts to the adults at all bar chipping in for a present for the grandparents. Some buy for all the kids, not the adults, another family only buy for god children (but it works out that every child has a godparent in the family so they all get one iykwim)
Thankfully my siblings are similarly minded to me and don't expect presents - they too have other things the money could be better spent on.

Gift-giving should be about what you can comfortably afford. To have to modify your life, or give up something when you are already very careful and making ends meet in order to give all your siblings an extravagant present is nuts.

Like you, I have a hobby I love. It keeps me sane, that little bit of me time in the week. I rarely go out, or spend much on myself. I don't get my hair done often or get other beauty treatments and shop in Pennys when I have to. I don't buy takeaway coffees or glossy magazines. So I spend very little on me except for funding my hobby and I'd laugh in the face of anyone who expected me to forgo the last little luxury I enjoy to give them a pricey gift at Christmas.

I'm on your side on this.

I agree with this.

There's no gift-giving between adults in my house. I just think that when you get past a certain age, you shouldn't really be expecting gifts, tbh. Two of my siblings have young families that are still in the Santa Claus phase of life, so that's where their money goes, naturally, and I've no problem with that. I couldn't even really think of anything I would want anyway. Usually all we do is chip in a bit of money to go towards buying food and drink for the Christmas period so we can have a real big feast.

I think your siblings are being unreasonable, OP. You shouldn't have to give up your hobby or leave your own children short-handed or whatever it is in order to please your siblings who, imo, are past the age of asking for presents. Is gift-giving a big tradition between the adults in your house?

astonaidan

So christmas for us at home is pretty much spend what you could afford, we did kris kringle for a few years but we stopped it now as we rathered getting a few small gifts over one big one. When we had kris kringle going I never participated I was a single guy making money and living at home so I used to buy everyone a gift, it was the only time I bought presents and it made happy to do it.
But my circumstances have changed in that I have a place with my girl and a baby on the way, so where I will still buy all my siblings something I wont be spending 100 euros on each gift and I wont be getting nieces/nephews anything. But they understand, like no point spending what you cant afford thats just madness

Annasopra

OP no you're not being selfish at all. Your siblings are being selfish demanding better more expensive gifts and demanding you give up your hobby.

Turtle_

I'd turn it back on them.

"yeah you're right, giving gifts between us that you obviously aren't gone on is an awful waste of money. It's silly at our age with all of us having kids to provide for and nieces and nephews to give to at Christmas that we're still doing this nonsense of presents we don't really want or need, isn't it? I'm glad you brought it up far enough in advance of Christmas that I haven't already gotten you anything!".

Seriously, OP, knock that rubbish on the head. If they mention the hobby again, laugh at them. "you aren't actually seriously saying I should give up my ONLY outlet just to buy you stuff? Seriously? Haha, would you like me to drop by and scrub your floors and wash your windows while I'm at it?"...

Spanish Eyes

There's a lot to be said for Thanksgiving in America really. No presents, just presence and enjoying family and food and grog.

A question... does anyone really remember who bought what for them last Christmas? It is all a commercial advertiser's dream. The squeeze is put on to buy, buy, buy.

TBH it's each to their own. Some like to buy gifts for everyone, some don't.

In our family we made the sensible decision (IMV) years ago not to buy birthday presents for siblings just a scratch card or two in the birthday card. Everyone is so relieved.

Same thing for Christmas. Just for the under 18s and no more than 50 euro each child. After 18 it's over! Siblings and outlaws and in laws are not in the picture. Again, everyone relieved.

Think about all the stress that's stopped and the credit card bill in January too!

Honestly, I think anyone who has a problem with the value of gifts, or any gifts at all has a problem lurking somewhere.

If you get on with family they don't give a sh!t really. As long as we can meet up and have a laugh, what's not to like?

I haven't bought a Christmas present for donkey's years. Just give the moolah to the kids in a card. Bliss almightly. And as they grow up the bill will reduce too!!

LegacyUser

Christmas brings out the worse in some people. They expect gifts for everyone but have no idea that for some people spending or giving a lot of Christmas gifts is just financially imposible.

At the moment I am not working. I started to put money aside a few months ago and picked up a few things on offer or sale. A few weeks ago I noticed the sales online/in shops.
On one thing I saved 40% and somethings with 50% off them. I got 3 paperbacks for £10 on amazon - one of these books is for a friend of mine who told me I must read abc.
I had a budget and I stuck to it. I decided to give presents to close freinds and a few people I know.

In regards to family we do a kris kindle for the adults - we get one person to spend x amount on. We don't buy the children presents at Christmas but we give them things for there birthdays.

I was speaking to a freind of mine recently and she was doing the same as me. The reality is that most people are trying to manage on less money than they had a few years ago. The cost of living has gone up but wages have stayed the same.
It is very selfish for your family to expect you to give up your hobbies to buy them presents. For some people a hobbie keeps them in contact with other people, gives them an outlet or something to look forward to.
In your family case I would tell them that you can't afford to buy them presents this year but you don't expect anything from them either.